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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 16, 2007, at 22:02:04
I have the instincts of an injured cat.
When I'm hurt I want to run into deep seclusion.
The LAST thing I want to do is to make contact with someone who can make me feel better.
I just want to listen to solo Bach and feel connected with the dark side.
I guess I'll give her a call in 5 mins. i'm having disturbances of consciousness. i don't feel like i know myself.
llurpsie = 0
ptsd = 31 point each for flashbacks, mood instability, and suicidal ideation.
i don't even care enough about me to post much. y'all might write something nice. not sure that's what I want right now.
hiding.3 mins left to go
whose hands are these? they don't even belong to me.
why should she call her T? not even her hands. raging f*cking loony (not in the money sense neither)because i don't know how to lick my own wounds no longer. do i trust her? oh whatever.
Posted by sunnydays on February 16, 2007, at 22:07:21
In reply to talking through crisis *trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 16, 2007, at 22:02:04
Oh, Ll. I get the feeling. There is such a depth to it. PTSD seems to know how to suck the life right out of you. Hang in there. It sucks, but it will get better. I'm trying to avoid writing things that are too nice, but I'm giving you a safe Babble hug anyway.
((((((((((Llurpsie)))))))))))
Hang in there. Breathe in. Breathe out. Call. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat as needed.
sunnydays
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 16, 2007, at 22:48:01
In reply to talking through crisis *trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 16, 2007, at 22:02:04
Llurpsie 0
PTSD 5now officially in seclusion. not making any more attempts to ask for help.
gonna grit my teeth. actually not even necessary. apparently this body that doesn't belong to me doesn't really have feelings either. I tested it.
problem- nobody has ever been there for me consistently. except for myself. little llurpsie who walks home from 1st grade by herself at age 5. some days in the dark, 'cause I waited for mom to pick me up. she said she would.
but that's okay. I always knew how to figure things out. that's 'cause there used to be a happy ending. I'm not seeing the happy ending tonight. I refuse to. gonna ride the wave of dark feelings.
the extra 2 points belong to
flat affect
dissociation&depersonalization (how could I forget my favorite friends?)okay. hands have better things to do. If I were brave, I'd take a pill and go to bed. Instead, I feel like I want this to be me a little longer. Maybe I'll understand a little more. At least I'm not afraid of anything. )))fear(((
I just realized that that last paragraph sounds really dark. relax. no permanent harm will be done. wish I had a violin on me, I'd be diving right into Bach G minor Sonata. More like melting, than diving, actually.
I wonder if it's a delusion that I get closer to the truth the longer I hang out in the darkness.
probably.
There is some truth to the present too. I just choose to ignore that at the moment.
Posted by Daisym on February 16, 2007, at 23:00:53
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 16, 2007, at 22:48:01
Now is a good time to write and rage. Let your thoughts come and capture them. There is truth in the feelings, and truth in the words. It hurts in a way that I've never been able to describe -- that physical weight that sits on your chest and makes it hard to breath, and think. The pain makes it impossible to reach for help, especially when your little self remembers how awful the disappointments were. Better to try to contain it yourself, to stuff it, to bear it, to live through it.
But there is help now. You aren't completely alone. You can reach out to your therapist. And to us.
It sounds like you've entered a crisis phase. In the books this chapter is titled, "Don't kill yourself when you feel like this." I think often that the pain should kill you -- but it won't. And I've been at the point where I would do almost anything to make it stop hurting, to push away the flashbacks and the memories. I don't want to know what I know. But there is no way to unknow. So wait it out, take care of yourself as best you can.
I'm so sorry. I hear the hurt in your words and want very much to help. So I'm sending you a warm thoughts and sleepy energy. Please post tomorrow.
Posted by Declan on February 17, 2007, at 0:54:05
In reply to talking through crisis *trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 16, 2007, at 22:02:04
Hey Lurps
A radio announcer here who got cancer said that JS Bach (Well Tempered Clavier and Art of Fugue) was her consolation.
I am ashamed (always ashamed anyway) to say that I have not listened to the Strauss double whatever concerto (I try to be good...failed again).
...and of course you are an animal.
I'm sure good music was as good for me as psychoanalysis, but hell...good music is really something.
Declan
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 17, 2007, at 14:02:36
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger*, posted by Daisym on February 16, 2007, at 23:00:53
thanks you guys,
um yeah, so I'm just a bit "unstable".
but I feel better today. not well, but better.
my brain feels kinda broken tho.
thanks for well-wishes. trying to keep out of trouble. i think i know what the triggers were. there were multiple triggers superimposed on neurochemical instability, so it's not so straightforward.
all i know is that there was a break in my conscious experience.
I took my sleeping pill last night and even slept an hour before lunch. that's 10 hours insgesamt.
now I guess I'm gonna knit a bit, cause my brain's too broken for dissertating.
-Ll
p.s. Daisy- I didn't have the will to write my feelings. I didn't WANT to feel better. I just wanted to feel myself. or something like that. i did write an email though. thats something.
Posted by widget on February 17, 2007, at 14:47:20
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 17, 2007, at 14:02:36
I have been there. It is beyond words. I was afraid, very afraid I would be stuck there. Thank god, I wasn't. Hope to not get there again.
My psychiatrist says we need to develop a way for me to know there is a way out when I feel this way. This is a goal. I know he didn't have the answer just the need to find one. Hope your brain is on the mend. Did you think it felt like a broken heart? I did.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 17, 2007, at 22:13:38
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger*, posted by widget on February 17, 2007, at 14:47:20
> I have been there. It is beyond words. I was afraid, very afraid I would be stuck there. Thank god, I wasn't. Hope to not get there again.
> My psychiatrist says we need to develop a way for me to know there is a way out when I feel this way. This is a goal. I know he didn't have the answer just the need to find one. Hope your brain is on the mend. Did you think it felt like a broken heart? I did.yep. felt broken alright. and today still feels kind of dull. like there's no sparkle. like I'm just going through the motions...
I think pharmacologic and psychologic changes are in store for me.
my T called me today to check in. that was nice of her. i managed to tell her how hard it was for me to even call her office phone and leave voicemail. I told her that I HAD her home phone #, but that I still couldn't manage to call it. I only called her one time before during crisis and she was helpful. This one was different though. I didn't feel like helping myself at all, I only wanted to hurt myself.
back to the drawing board...
Posted by scratchpad on February 19, 2007, at 21:24:52
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 17, 2007, at 14:02:36
Llurpsie, how are you?
Scratchpad
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 19, 2007, at 22:58:26
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by scratchpad on February 19, 2007, at 21:24:52
Well,
in retrospect, that was the most psychotic I've ever been. I felt yuck on saturday, great on sunday and yuck today. I'm going to consult with professionals this week. like T and pdoc, and see what they decide to do with/to me.I feel like a lab rat though. I really really *hope* that I never ever ever have another crisis like that one again. Definitely very scary. Quite different from the depressed "i can't stand the pain, i want it to end" crises I've weathered in the past. more like "i can't stand the fear/ i don't know who to trust/ i can't make the bad thoughts and nightmares go away/ i can't find a safe place in my mind from my own self-destructive instinct"
And yeah, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I cut myself. superficial, but very very methodically. I would have done worse, but the cutting seemed to suffice.
Hanging in there though. My neurotransmission is very unreliable these days. Never know when I'm going to feel well enough to leave the house. Some days I don't have the option of wallowing in my psychologic/somatic misery...
thanks for asking though. If you knew me, you'd never know how raving I was on friday night.
-Ll
Posted by scratchpad on February 20, 2007, at 9:26:41
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger* » scratchpad, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 19, 2007, at 22:58:26
(((Lurpsie))) It sounds like it was a really frightening time for you. I tapered off of Lamcital 4 weeks ago and I'm still experiencing altered responses to stressors and stimuli. My T thinks I'm still in withdrawal. Luckily I've been prescribed Xanax to help deal with the worst of the symptoms. (Oh, and I'm in the process of finding a new pdoc.)
Take good care of yourself.
Scratch, formerly ClearSkies
Posted by Honore on February 21, 2007, at 7:15:48
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by scratchpad on February 20, 2007, at 9:26:41
Lurpsie you still out there?
How you doing? Glad to see you posting.
Honore
Posted by muffled on February 25, 2007, at 0:24:53
In reply to Re: talking through crisis *trigger* » scratchpad, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 19, 2007, at 22:58:26
>thanks for asking though. If you knew me, you'd never know how raving I was on friday night.
Its a wonder isn't it?
How we can get SO off our nut, then we seem to climb back on?
Dunno.
Its a wonder.
This is the end of the thread.
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