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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by vwoolf on August 8, 2006, at 10:04:11
Hi all, I began to write about this somewhere else and it made me realise I really am bothered by something that happened the other day, so I'm starting a separate post to deal with it.
I was at a party the other day and overheard two people talking about my t who is going through a divorce at the moment. They described her as grasping, mean and unfair. As soon as I realised where the conversation was going, I left the room in a total panic and found myself full of fury for the two gossips.
I spoke to her about it on the Monday. I told her it had bothered me only a bit. She asked me if there was anything I wanted her to disclose. I said no, I didn't want to know about her financial settlements. And in fact I don't. I then wrote her a poem:
She struggles but
Towards me has integrity.
I have never known anything like it.Thoughtful. Considerate. Kind
It is hurtful to hear
Others don’t find her so.I know that between us
There is an honesty
Of a kind they do not know.I know so little about her
Yet infinitely more
I would sense anything less than honest.So why does their opinion rankle?
Do I doubt my truth?But it is still worrying me. I don't feel as if I can trust her any more. It coincided unfortunately with her broaching the subject of an increase in her fees. She has held them firm for three years, even though I have repeatedly told her she should increase them. She now says she will soon have to put them up to a more realistic level. Which is perfectly reasonable and honest. When I am with her it is fine, but outside therapy I keep seeing her face curl into a mean, rather cynical grin.
I feel very confused about it all. I desperately want to trust her. She says that I will have to learn that she is just an ordinary person who makes mistakes and is not always perfect. But I find myself falling into either/or type thinking, and it really upsets me.
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2006, at 11:03:01
In reply to Therapist integrity, posted by vwoolf on August 8, 2006, at 10:04:11
Divorces usually polarize friends along party lines. The people you overheard may or may not have been speaking the neutral truth.
Does she have kids? It sounds like she's just trying to make enough money to live comfortably. If she's raising her fees, she's probably not making out like a bandit in the divorce. If her fees have been lower than they should be for years, she's probably not money hungry in general.
Many women have a decreased standard of living after a divorce. And my therapist has been honest with me that therapy is not a terribly lucrative career. At a guess I'd say she's more anxious than full of avarice and greed.
On the other hand, they're human. I'm more than aware that my therapist cares quite a bit about money, and the finer things in life. For some reason, I tend to find at least most of his flaws endearing.
Posted by vwoolf on August 8, 2006, at 11:48:15
In reply to Re: Therapist integrity » vwoolf, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2006, at 11:03:01
Hi Dinah, we haven't spoken for a long time. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I've been telling myself all these very things for days now, and in fact it's what I told her yesterday as well. But still I can't help feeling that I can't quite trust her anymore. Not like before. Perhaps it's a necessary shift, because before I was seeing her through rose-tinted glasses. But I find it hard to just see her as a normal person with both good and bad parts. In my mind, either she's completely kind, generous and caring, or she's mean and false. I can't integrate the two.
Posted by antigua on August 8, 2006, at 13:32:27
In reply to Re: Therapist integrity, posted by vwoolf on August 8, 2006, at 11:48:15
The feeling that you have to describe her one way OR the other, not the mix of the two--is there anyone in real life that you might have done that for? Maybe you're being triggered??
just a thought.
antigua
Posted by vwoolf on August 8, 2006, at 13:48:18
In reply to Re: Therapist integrity » vwoolf, posted by antigua on August 8, 2006, at 13:32:27
Hi Antigua, thanks for the suggestion. I know this is called splitting - seeing things and people as all good or all bad - and is a typically borderline trait. It's also something we all do in early childhood. I think I labelled myself "bad" as a small child to explain why I was abused, and my parents were "good". I couldn't have tolerated the idea that they might be "bad" - in fact I still have trouble seeing anything bad about my mother at all, even when she does things that are really hurtful to me. Let me give you an example that came up yesterday in therapy - there is a family heirloom that has been passed from mother to daughter in our family for hundreds of years. I am my mother's only daughter. A few years ago she bequeathed it to my niece, her granddaughter. I never said a word because I believed secretly that I was so "bad" that I didn't deserve it. I simply could not criticise my mother's behaviour. So, yes, I have always split in this way. But I thought that with my t I had set up a new, different kind of relationship. I suppose you're right, I'm just repeating old patterns again. Sigh. Will I ever break the cycle.
Posted by vwoolf on August 8, 2006, at 14:34:50
In reply to Re: Therapist integrity » vwoolf, posted by antigua on August 8, 2006, at 13:32:27
Actually, Antigua, I think you've hit the nail on the head. It never occurred to me that this was transferential stuff to do with my mother. I have felt so loving towards my t, while at the same time expecting her to reject me. And never tolerating any criticism of her. It explains the fury I felt when I heard the two people at the party saying harsh things about her. I've always felt like that when peole criticised my mother. Amazing. Thanks for the insight.
This is the end of the thread.
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