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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Glydin on July 12, 2006, at 8:38:14
I didn’t really know where to pose this question so, I’ll ask it here.
At what point does support turn into enabling as it relates to on line interactions? This question has plagued me for a while and has to do with several situations have found myself in over the years. It boils down to me finding a behavior pathological (what do I know?) and reaching out with my well meaning suggestions (Again, what do I know?) and either seeing them rejected, ignored, excused away and the like and the behavior continues. Now, I realize it is me who is finding the pathology but I guess my real question is: Once you’ve tried reasoning as you define it and being set as to "this is a problem", does continuing to give attention, however well-meaning, become a means by which the behavior is getting supported and even enhanced? And does walking away simply make sense?
Any insights would be appreciated.
Posted by curmudgeon on July 12, 2006, at 14:01:16
In reply to Support vs. Enabling - a dicey concept for me, posted by Glydin on July 12, 2006, at 8:38:14
Hi, Glyden:
I, too struggle with the same question. It's an aspect of PB that often troubles me. In the past when I've been "unsupportive", my posts have been met with a good deal of animosity. Although I realize that some people are "sensitive" and/or "vulnerable" (I use the quotes because these are subjective terms), I often feel that alternative opinions can be helpful. Unconditional love is a great healer but a true friend tells you the truth.
Posted by Glydin on July 12, 2006, at 17:02:21
In reply to Re: Support vs. Enabling - a dicey concept for me » Glydin, posted by curmudgeon on July 12, 2006, at 14:01:16
It is a question for me. I don’t think about help versus hurt in a situation until I see a protracted situation with the same postings and the same responses and the same postings and the same responses. I have noted most folks do bow out of a situation as a normal progression due to frustration. What I wonder is about the bigger picture and maybe the agenda. If attention to the behavior is a benefit then ANY attention - good, bad, neutral, trying to help or blasting away - may serve the purpose. If well intentioned suggestions don’t have and impact, could well intentioned ignoring have an impact?
I have tried to understand and have a somewhat open mind, but some behaviors I absolutely can’t grasp as being okay according to my sensibilities - which really only matters to me. But, after trashing it about over and over, what are we *really* doing by continuing to respond? I dunno, I really don’t.
Posted by Racer on July 12, 2006, at 23:46:13
In reply to Support vs. Enabling - a dicey concept for me, posted by Glydin on July 12, 2006, at 8:38:14
I'm facing a situation in my real life like that -- is responding at all reinforcing the behavior? -- and it's quite upsetting. I don't know the answer, but I'm working on setting boundaries.
For instance, I choose whether or not to answer the telephone (thank you, Caller ID!). If I have time and energy to listen, I answer.
I have chosen to be fairly honest, not to offer sympathy (I think this is a bit of a sympathy junkie), to express my unwillingness to listen to absurdities, and to reiterate certain pieces of advice, no matter how little they're attended to, simply because they are my authentic reactions. "If you're not noticing a difference now that you've stopped your drugs, that's not a sign that you don't need meds so much as that those weren't the right meds." "If he's abusive, why do you want to move in with him? You can't have it both ways, and you know that he is abusive." "It may be accurate to say that GWB was appointed by the Supreme Court, but when an intake worker at a psych ward asks who the president is, it's still wise to say GWB, rather than being clever." Et cetera.
On the other hand, no matter what I do, no matter how firm I stand at my boundaries, I still feel HORRENDOUS about it all. I still feel as though I'm not doing enough, that if only I would step in and come through and be Good Enough, this would improve. So, feelings won't necessarily keep up with behaviors.
Online? I've gotten frustrated in some cases by the sort of thing you're describing. I try to check in with myself, "Am I feeling frustrated when I take the time to answer, and my input is not acknowledged? Am I feeling upset when that happens? If so, do I have the strength to be upset by it right now?" If the answer to the last one is no, and the answers to teh first two are yes, then I try to step back. But when I do, I also try to SAY something about it. "I've answered you in the past, and I feel frustrated when I see you ask for the same thing again. Therefore, to avoid feeling frustrated, I choose not to respond to you right now."
I don't know if benign neglect would be helpful, but letting someone know that you're making the choice not to respond might...
Hope that helps. I'm feeling a bit incoherent today...
Posted by Glydin on July 13, 2006, at 7:11:31
In reply to Dunno, but... » Glydin, posted by Racer on July 12, 2006, at 23:46:13
> I'm facing a situation in my real life like that -- is responding at all reinforcing the behavior? -- and it's quite upsetting. I don't know the answer, but I'm working on setting boundaries.
>~~~ I am too. I like to think I'm better at that in RL than I am with public on line stuff. I'm not sure the reason for that. I'm trying to figure that one out. I also struggle with WHY do certain types of behavior bother and irritate me so. That's not a bad thing to explore for me and I'm trying to work past the first response of: "What the___".
Ah, it if wasn't deep analysis of THAT, it would be somethin' else. (Smile)
BTW, you make perfect sense to me.
This is the end of the thread.
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