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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 13:21:17
Thirty years ago, today, I was going to kill myself. I was 18 years old, depressed and felt that I was a complete failure. I wrote a suicide poem in lieu of a note. I still have it.
I didn't go through with my plan, because I told myself that I can be a success. I can be fully independent and never have to depend on anyone for anything. Career success became my obsession.
Two years ago I landed a job that used my brain and paid well. I bought a new house and two days after I moved in was forced to quit the job. I went into a major depression and decided to activate my suicide plan. My T threatened to call 911. I ended up signing a no harm agreement and talking to her everyday- a see, I'm still alive call. Ex pdoc put me on a major dose of Effexor XR and between that, my T and you guys I got through the crises.
I was supposed to start an online class today which my obsessed brain thinks will finally get me that coveted career. Something's not working as all I get when I log in is a message saying I'm not enrolled in any classes.
I have, yet another, job interview on Tuesday. It's not what I want to be doing, not related to any education I've had or if I can get online will have. It's for a mindless job, but one that pays much better than my current mindless job. Economically I need to earn more money, that's a reality not part of the career obsession.
I know, I know. Get over this career obsession. I'm going to go do some gardening, today, instead of the class. I'm going to try hard to remember that career isn't everything, but that seems so impossible, especially today.
I am still alive, 30 years later, and I will eventually get it through my head that I have some good qualities. One of which is an obsession with pulling weeds!
Poet
Posted by Jost on June 11, 2006, at 15:38:04
In reply to 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 13:21:17
Hi, Poet. Do you still write poetry?
Jost
Posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 17:28:08
In reply to Re: 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by Jost on June 11, 2006, at 15:38:04
Hi Jost,
I'm not as prolific as I once was, but when I can muster up thoughts that aren't just the ususal bash myself ones I do write poetry. There's a few on the writing board, if you're bored.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2006, at 17:30:39
In reply to 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 13:21:17
I think I understand better now, Poet.
I think I can see why career is so important to you, especially on this day.
I wish I knew what to say. I only know that I wish you peace and happiness and joy with all you have. Whether it comes from an employer being perspicacious enough to grant you a job you'll love, or if it comes from a difference in perspective and priorities and realizing how wonderful you really are just for being you.
Posted by annierose on June 11, 2006, at 20:52:04
In reply to 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 13:21:17
>>>I can be fully independent and never have to depend on anyone for anything.<<<<
I know that feeling very well. It is my life mantra. My T wants me to let go of some of that. And I find that slowly (and I mean very slowly) that giving up independence can be very freeing.
I'm thinking of you and wish you well on your job interview. I don't know your field of study, but is it possible to work part time in that field?
It's nice to hear that you like using your brain. I find the older I get, the more I resist having to learn a new skill or think of a new way to do things. I've been getting brain-aches at work (too much thinking).
I'm glad you're still here. Your posts always make me smile.
Posted by muffled on June 11, 2006, at 21:21:39
In reply to 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 13:21:17
Posted by happyflower on June 12, 2006, at 10:06:50
In reply to Re: 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by annierose on June 11, 2006, at 20:52:04
((((((Poet)))))))))) Wow 30 years and there is one thing you are still living, and didn't give up, that is a wonderful accomplishment.
Life is still hard though, but if you can do it, so can I.
Posted by Poet on June 12, 2006, at 18:40:23
In reply to Re: 30 Years Later ( trigger) » Poet, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2006, at 17:30:39
Hi Dinah,
At least, what I'll call my anniversary, wasn't on a work day. That would have been too much to handle.
I finally got go linked to the online class, so that makes me feel better. Though that nagging worry that it'll be for nothing because nobody will hire me is running at a rapid pace.
The interview got got changed until Wednesday, which is probably better because I see my T that day. I suspect I'll need her.
Thanks for understanding.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 12, 2006, at 18:42:46
In reply to Re: 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by annierose on June 11, 2006, at 20:52:04
Hi Annierose,
I definitely still want to be able to use my brain, even if it's only for things that crazy me thinks will get me that elusive job.
I'm hoping once I complete more classes that I'll be able to get a job in the field, but that's a long way off.
I'm glad I can make you smile. I hardly ever smile, so it's good somebody can!
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 12, 2006, at 18:44:19
In reply to Hey Poet, alive and kicking!!! I am glad your here (nm) » Poet, posted by muffled on June 11, 2006, at 21:21:39
Hi Muffled,
I'm mainly kicking myself in the head, but I am alive.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 12, 2006, at 18:47:50
In reply to Re: 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by happyflower on June 12, 2006, at 10:06:50
Hi Happyflower,
My T tells me I'm a stubborn old mule. I can't take it as an insult because it fits me. I am stubborn and that's probably what has kept me alive.
We can both do it, even if it makes us seem like we're running in circles, at least we're moving.
Poet
Posted by antigua on June 13, 2006, at 9:31:31
In reply to 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 13:21:17
Posted by Poet on June 13, 2006, at 18:15:31
In reply to I'm glad you're here! (nm), posted by antigua on June 13, 2006, at 9:31:31
Posted by Racer on June 14, 2006, at 23:51:46
In reply to 30 Years Later ( trigger), posted by Poet on June 11, 2006, at 13:21:17
I haven't had a chance to catch up, nor to read all your responses yet. But what I wanted to say didn't want to wait.
Poet, I'm very glad that you didn't follow through on your plan 30 years ago. It may be selfish of me, but I'm fond of you, and I would have missed out on getting to know you.
There are few enough folks I can say that about, too.
xoxo
Posted by Poet on June 15, 2006, at 9:10:45
In reply to Re: 30 Years Later ( trigger) » Poet, posted by Racer on June 14, 2006, at 23:51:46
Hi Racer,
Thanks. I am really full of self hatred today and your words actually made me smile a little bit.
Poet
This is the end of the thread.
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