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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lookdownfish on June 2, 2006, at 15:47:05
I haven't posted here for a long while, but I would like to share here my experience of ending therapy.
I have been in psychoanalytic therapy for three years. The reason I went into therapy was for depression and an overwhelming longing for a mother-figure that was resulting in painful infatuations and was basically taking over my life. (see "In Session" chapter: Dreams of the Perfect Mother, that's me). Not surprisingly I developed a very strong infatuation and attachment with my therapist. This was very difficult and painful, but provided a safe environment to discuss the problem.
I have been planning to leave, well almost since I started. I was very afraid of becoming too dependent. But after about 2 1/2 years I felt that the depression problem had pretty much been nailed and that I was much better able to cope on my own. So we planned an ending. That was about 6 months ago. Then 2 or 3 weeks before the scheduled ending I discovered my husband's affair. This was completely out of the blue and a big shock. My therapist was not at all happy about me leaving when something so devastating was happening in my life. I wanted to have her continued support, but I felt ashamed about having to ask to extend beyond the planned termination date. Anyway, thankfully, she insisted that this was not the right time, and so we agreed to carry on.
Then some months later, my husband and I seemed to have improved things and were having some fairly productive relationship therapy. So my therapist and I planned the ending again. Then a couple of weeks before that date, our r/ship therapist announced she was quitting. This was another bombshell to deal with at a time when I had planned to terminate my individual therapy. I was beginning to think I would never be able to leave as something bad would always get in the way and make it impossible. However, obviously I wanted to process the ending of the couple therapy with my own therapist and wanted her help and support with this. I felt a bit feeble for not being able to end on the agreed date, but we decided to postpone the end date by a few weeks.
So today was not going to be the last session, since we had agreed to postpone. But during the week I changed my mind. All week I have been tearful whenever I have thought about leaving her and that would be soon anyway, whether today or in a few weeks time. I have spent so much time contemplating the loss of her and preparing for it, that I felt I couldn't drag it out anymore. So today I told her that I would like to make today the last session. I was in tears for half the session and completely failed to express my gratitude to her, or to discuss all the textbook things one should, like what has been achieved, what has not been achieved, etc. She suggested to me that I decrease the frequency of sessions, or come back in a few weeks for a review. But I felt that would not really be a meaningful ending for me and that I needed to face a final goodbye. I also felt strongly that my life was somehow on hold until I could terminate the therapy.
So with me snivelling and sobbing in a very unattractive way, we said goodbye for the last time. I had to go for a drive for a while to sort myself out so when I got home to my children there wouldn't be any awkward questions. I feel a bit unsure now about whether I have done the right thing. I thought I would feel liberated and relieved, but at the moment I'm feeling a bit shaky.
Thanks for listening.
lookdownfish
Posted by muffled on June 2, 2006, at 16:01:22
In reply to Therapy ending, posted by lookdownfish on June 2, 2006, at 15:47:05
Goodbyes. I TOTALLY suck at goodbyes. I usu just slink away.
IMHO I would be inclined to taper a bit rather than quit cold turkey.
Then you can get some reassurance now and again, and then you can say the things you want to say.
I don't think it would be showing weakness or anything.
But thats just inexperienced me.
((((((LDF))))))) if you want them.
Muffled
Posted by pseudoname on June 2, 2006, at 16:24:13
In reply to Therapy ending, posted by lookdownfish on June 2, 2006, at 15:47:05
lookdownfish,
Welcome back. When I was with the Babble group was in Toronto 2 weeks ago, I asked people if they knew what had happened to you. So I'm glad to see your post, even though of course I'm very sorry you're in that situation.
At the moment, I can't think of a germane response, but I wanted to say hello.
Posted by lookdownfish on June 2, 2006, at 16:38:55
In reply to Re: Therapy ending » lookdownfish, posted by pseudoname on June 2, 2006, at 16:24:13
Hi, thanks for remembering me.
don't be sorry. I'm not. I think I'm glad, but it's a bit soon to tell.> lookdownfish,
>
> Welcome back. When I was with the Babble group was in Toronto 2 weeks ago, I asked people if they knew what had happened to you. So I'm glad to see your post, even though of course I'm very sorry you're in that situation.
>
> At the moment, I can't think of a germane response, but I wanted to say hello.
Posted by bent on June 2, 2006, at 18:13:59
In reply to Therapy ending, posted by lookdownfish on June 2, 2006, at 15:47:05
Hi lookdownfish.
I could feel the pain in your post. I'm sorry this is so hard. I cant imagine having the strength you did to be able to leave. I entered therapy for the same reason you did about 4 years ago. And like you, I had begun planning to terminate with my T until finding out my fiance had an internet porn addiction. So I am still in therapy with the same T. My depression has improved but as recently as today I was crying about needing a mom. Mine is around but has been emotionally unavaiable to me for many years. Were you able to work out any of those problems in your therapy? I feel like there is no end. I am so glad that you stayed with your T when things got 'rough'. Dont feel ashamed about it. Its ok to need our therapists, even though some times it hurts to need. Be strong, and if you find that in a few weeks you are still in pain, I hope you call your T.
Posted by Daisym on June 3, 2006, at 1:42:33
In reply to Re: Therapy ending » lookdownfish, posted by bent on June 2, 2006, at 18:13:59
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I think about you and wonder how things are...
Endings are typically bittersweet. Giving up one thing as you move to another must create a swirl of conflicting feelings. My guess is that you will settle down and move into the next phase of your life, bringing everything you learned with you as you go forward.
But you know, I think we all need people to lean on, sometimes intensely and sometimes less so. And sometimes we get to hold people as they lean. It is human to need other people. There is nothing weak about that. In fact, it seems to me that you were wise to keep your supports in place so you could make it through some tough times. And if you think of it like that, going back when/if you need to, should be OK. Sort of like when my kids call me when they can't figure something out, or just need to hear my voice on a bad day. I don't think, "geez, you are all grown up and moved out, so figure it out yourself." I always think, "I'm so glad you felt you could still call me. I'm honored to hold your feelings."
Be well.
Daisy
Posted by lookdownfish on June 4, 2006, at 13:17:10
In reply to Re: Therapy ending » lookdownfish, posted by bent on June 2, 2006, at 18:13:59
I think I did work it out. I feel a bit raw about it all at the moment, so it's hard to be positive. But I hope I have partly resolved the longing for a perfect mother - just through talking about it, and having a greater understanding of why I am like I am. I have learnt to value the relationship with my T and that my needs can be met without having an all-consuming impossible mother / child relationship. Hopefully I can take comfort from the emotional support that is already on offer from my friends and family, instead of searching for what I can never find. This is all good theory though, I guess in practice I'm still not sure if the problem will come back again. If its not working out though, I will go back. Thanks for your thoughts.
This is the end of the thread.
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