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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:32:07
Sorry for two posts in a row, but different subjects.
Group last night was among the hardest meetings we've had. There were only three of us. One woman started out saying she had been really angry all week, and and anther said she had been really mad at her mom on Mother's day because her mom and sister had a whole huge discussion about anal sex and it triggered her off. She talked about her abuse in a way she hasn't before. Pretty soon someone was crying, and there was so much sadness in that room. I had to say that this anger stuff must be in the air, and I shared what we had worked on in therapy. It was hard to admit that I want my own mother to hurt. It was hard to hold back the tears of a shared pain. And it was hard to hear someone talk about how this would stop happening if everyone would stand up and talk openly about being abused. I found myself feeling afraid, like my secret was going to be exposed against my wishes. And I felt sad that I didn't have the courage she has around this. I wanted to argue against being a sign-carrying survivor, but who am I to say what is right for her? Maybe she is right. If more of us had told, perhaps these horrible things would stop happening.
I figured out that one of the hardest things for me about group is that the therapist has a way of inviting out the younger parts of me but at the same time admonishing that the adult stay present and in charge. She wants us to acknowledge the needs and pain of this younger part but it feels shameful too...because I can be so easily taken over and I feel small, and vulnerable. Little Daisy has felt unwelcome by me a lot lately. I just reread my journal page from last night and clearly those were her words and feelings on the page. She despairs of ever getting her needs met, or of finishing telling the stories. She lives in that place in me that hurts an awful lot of the time, and she wants reassurance and comfort and space to come forth again. It just doesn't seem like the right time, especially right now as I struggle with how my mom felt about her (me). So I let her write and tell me things I already should know. Not surprisingly I had nightmares last night. I woke up in a cold sweat, having tossed Little Daisy off a bridge. The minute I let go I regretted it, but I couldn't retrieve her. I screamed and screamed and the dream switched to me having anal sex with my dad. The screaming was me, inside my head. And then it switched again and I was crying on a good friend's shoulder. I woke up confused, depressed and disoriented.
I don't know what I'm looking forward by going to this group. I told my therapist that Wednesday's were becoming too much - first therapy with him, then group. I think I need to give up one or the other. I need help knowing what the value of going to group is going to be. It seems to me that I went hoping that someone had the secret answer to escaping all this pain, but that hasn't proven to be true. There is a powerful pull to keep going, but at the same time it is exhausting. I need advice. Or maybe I need to be the man in the mask, "Somebody Stop Me!"
Posted by bent on May 19, 2006, at 4:44:19
In reply to I think I hate Wednesdays -- trigger, posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:32:07
Hi Daisy. I dont have much time to write to but I just wanted to you to know that I understand some of what you are feeling. I am not very good with dreams but I am wondering if you will tell your T about it? I assume the group you go to is for survivors of abuse? I can understand a group being too much right now. I personally dont know that I could ever handle being in a group setting. This website is my 'group.' :-) I hope you keep working even though it is exhausting. Its tough I know.
Posted by fallsfall on May 19, 2006, at 12:17:26
In reply to I think I hate Wednesdays -- trigger, posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:32:07
There is a powerful pull to keep going
This means something. This means that some need is being met by the group. Isn't it unfortunate that sometimes things get harder before they get easier?
Notice that you were distressed that you had thrown little daisy off the bridge. You don't WANT to lose her. Keep that in mind. And the connection between losing little daisy and your father - don't let him silence her... Help her fight to be heard. It would be so sad for her to be lost. Keep her with you.
You are doing very hard work, but I think it is valuable.
I'm here if you need me. Always.
Falls.
Posted by zenhussy on May 20, 2006, at 1:11:51
In reply to I think I hate Wednesdays -- trigger, posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:32:07
your ongoing dedication to this healing work WILL lead you through to the other side......as to what that other side looks and feels like only you will know.......but you're closer now than when we first crossed paths a couple years back.
your courage is most admirable.
--zh
p.s. never was able to sleep the night before group therapy night...even though so much was gained from being in a group therapy situation for the two or so years nothing can change how difficult and scary that work was.
you're a champ!
This is the end of the thread.
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