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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 8:00:35
I'm having a really hard time right now. I saw my therapist last night and we talked about how unhappy I am and how therapy isn't going to make me happy. It's my marriage that's making me unhappy and until I'm out of it therapy isn't going to do what I'd like it too. I'm so down today it's all I can do to get ready for work. I want to crawl back in bed and stay there till Monday. I'm working towards a plan to get out of my marriage of 22 years. It's hard. I told my therapist yesterday that I don't even want to live anymore and the feeling is getting worse everyday. I have 2 darling girls that need me and I need them, but the feelings of leaving it all behind including them is getting stronger to where I dont even care. Could I take some time off work and get my life together? I know there's not a dang thing anyone can do for me. This is my issue. The only place I have to relieve any of the pain is in therapy. And it tears me apart as it did last night. My therapist is going on a retreat today for the weekend with the other therapists in her office. So she isn't available after this morning if even that. She told me to leave a voice mail for her before she leaves. I want to but I don't want to tell her how awful I feel right now. I hate my life and I want to be done with it. Don't tell me to seek help, I won't do anything dumb even if I feel like it. I'm just hurting more than I can bare. I'm in tears writing this. How in the heck am I gonig to make it through the next few hours let alone the day? I work with great people, but they aren't aware of all the pain I carry. I can't take it anymore. I want my T to put her arms around me and tell me it will be ok. But no hugs. She said I am in her heart, I know I am, but she isn't going to take away this pain.
LadyBug
Posted by Daisym on May 12, 2006, at 11:58:14
In reply to Feeling lower than dirt, posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 8:00:35
I feel your hurt and sadness. You write beautifully.
I think I wrote your post two years ago, a year ago and 3 months ago. Leaving a marriage IS a process and so very hard. Therapy can't replace the life you have to live but there are so many times when I ask if I can hide under his desk for the rest of the day. Or can I please have the keys to the office for the weekend. He doesn't even have to be there, I just need my safe place. He tells me to take him with me and I think you can do that too -- just imagine your therapist holding you close in her heart and giving you strength to begin to make decisions.
Sometimes you have to leave a marriage while staying in the house. You begin to stand up for yourself a little at a time. You model for your girls what is and isn't acceptable. You are hiding your pain from your friends, but would you want your girls to do that? It has been among the hardest lessons of therapy for me learn to lean (a little) on friends. I started here and now have a few IRL people I can call and go to. I still want my therapist the most, and he knows that, but it has helped to reach out. One of my big fears was that by learning to self-soothe, by reaching out to friends and by standing up for myself, I had to give up my therapist. So far this isn't true. He is still shoring up the background so I can do these things.
You will figure out what comes next. But for now, pick one thing that you want to have control over. Those thoughts of checking out are scary. They are the symptom of how desperate you are to escape, in any fashion, the hopelessness. You have to make a plan to save yourself, just like you made a plan to end it all. A while back I gave my therapist a thick piece of rope, you know, like a dog toy? I was planning on using these pieces of rope in a presentation for Directors, about being at the end of your rope and how to cope with problem employees. I was telling him about the activity and he surprised me by wanting to keep "my" piece -- the end of MY rope. He said because then I had to go through him before I could reach the end of my rope and he would pull me back. Who can you give your rope to this weekend? It helps to think about that.
I'm not around a lot this weekend but I'll check in on you. Take good care. It will get better.
Posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 12:56:54
In reply to Re: Feeling lower than dirt, posted by Daisym on May 12, 2006, at 11:58:14
Daisym
Thank you so much for your post. You hit the nail on the head with the way I am feeling. I left my T a message this morning just before work and told her I wasn't ok and I know there is nothing she can do. She called me and left me a message and told me she wished she could wrap me in a blanket and give me a hug. I wish she could too. She is away for the weekend and in a place where I'm pretty sure has no phone service at all. She said I would be in her heart and she would like to hear from me on Monday what I'm thinking about and where I am.
Sometimes your T sounds so much like mine. I do agree that you have to leave while still being in the home. I'm doing that a little at a time. I need to be able to hold on to something in order to get me through the sadness I feel. Right now it is my therapist, not so much therapy itself. You know how it is.
I am going with some friends tonight. There are 4 of us and we do have a lot of fun. Two of them are lesbian and two of us are straight. But we have so much fun together. Diversity I guess.
Thanks Daisym. I know your further along this path than I am and you know exactly how it feels and what I'm going through. I will check back here over the weekend too.
Hugs and Appreciation to you Always,
LadyBug
Posted by fairywings on May 12, 2006, at 13:44:48
In reply to Feeling lower than dirt, posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 8:00:35
((((Ladybug))))
I'm so sorry the feelings are so overwhelming. I wish I could just put my arms around you and let you cry. I worry about you not going to work because then you have more time to think about all the hurt you're feeling. Maybe over the weekend pulling the covers over your head and thinking about your T might be some solace. Keep thinking about those precious girls and how much they love you and need you.
Is there anyone nearby who could just sit with you, just lend an ear, or a shoulder. Wish I could.
fw
Posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 14:06:03
In reply to Feeling lower than dirt, posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 8:00:35
I am very sorry you are going through this much pain. I know how bad it is to have a bad marital state.
Is there any option of making your marriage work again? Was it good before the affair? If it was good, then maybe you two can prevail through the rough weather.
It is extremely hard to leave a marriage - even if that of an year, not to say after 22 years. It truly would be devastating.
I hope you are safe during this weekend, and that your friends give you a break from this pain.
Also when I was in a bad marital state, some different focus helped me - like music or something else entertaining. It might lessen the pain for the time being while you work out on a long term solution.
Posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 14:18:27
In reply to Re: Feeling lower than dirt » LadyBug, posted by fairywings on May 12, 2006, at 13:44:48
Fairywings
Thanks for the hug and thanks for understanding the pain. I will hang on to my girls, in my heart that is. And I will hang on to the knot I have put in the end of my rope.
Thanks for caring. I apprecaite it a lot. I've been at work today and though things are a bit slow and the day is dragging, I can look forward to hanging out with some good friends tonight. Not ones that I confide it though. But lots of fun!!!
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 14:28:45
In reply to Re: Feeling lower than dirt » LadyBug, posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 14:06:03
Orchid,
You know the marriage has been really hard for the past several years. Back in 1997 my husband got into a severe drug addiction and things have been a battle ever since. It just keeps adding up and he keeps kicking me harder emotionally and the affair just tipped me over. I was thinking it would be better to stay together than it would to get divorced, but then the affair was more than I could bare. It's been almost 8 months and my feelings are still hurt and hateful. I don't think there is enough left to turn things around. I'm already alone even though we are still in the same house. My girls want for me to be happy and so do I. My T feels like the marriage has indeed failed. But it is a process I must work on. And the pain of wanting out of it so much and not being able to get out as fast as I'd like too feels so hopeless. I deal with depression and it can make it more difficult for me during times like this. Thanks for understanding and caring Orchid.
LadyBug
Posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 15:04:37
In reply to Re: Feeling lower than dirt » orchid, posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 14:28:45
I am sorry to see that he has been this way for a long time.
Well, I guess then the option left is really a divorce isn't it.
It surely must be hard.. My thoughts are with you.
Be very careful when you plan for a divorce. Build up as much of a social network as you can, make your finances strong, learn to build your self esteem, and then develop plenty of hobbies before you take the final leap.
Other option would be to try to get your husband to a T so that he can become a better man. Is that even an option?
Prayers would help. I have personally felt many of my prayers have been answered if my requests were genuine. And it might also give you hope.
Posted by fairywings on May 12, 2006, at 17:13:56
In reply to Re: Feeling lower than dirt » fairywings, posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 14:18:27
I'm so glad you're going out! Have a blast, and try to put your husband out of your mind for awhile.
Hugs,
fw
Posted by happyflower on May 12, 2006, at 21:37:47
In reply to Feeling lower than dirt, posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 8:00:35
I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but if you are in a marriage like mine, than nothing really helps for long.
My kids are pulling me through my unhappy time within my marriage right now. Fairywings gave you some great advice on how to build yourself up before you finally leave him if you deceide that is what you are going to do.
I am working on that too, but it is more like a 5 year plan for me. But I don't know if I will be able to last that long in my marriage without totally losing myself.
I am glad your T said such nice caring things. She will help you, and your friends at Babble too. It isn't easy, it is like giving up on a dream that you had for your life. It sucks, it really does. Ladybug, just lay on my petal and I will keep you safe, dry and warm in the thunderstorm. ((((ladybug))))
Posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 22:27:40
In reply to {{{{{{{Ladybug}}}}}}, posted by happyflower on May 12, 2006, at 21:37:47
Thanks HAPPYFLOWER
I will come and lay on your petal's to stay warm and dry from the tears.
This is a hard weekend with it being mothers day. I'm not up to doing much with anyone but my girls but I did hang out with my friends tonight. We had a great time!!! Sure love those friends when you need to forget about life.
Thanks for understanding.
LadyBug
Posted by llrrrpp on May 12, 2006, at 23:06:23
In reply to Re: Feeling lower than dirt » Daisym, posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 12:56:54
I'm so happy that you have good friends to hang out with. Sometimes it's good to have buddies who aren't intimately involved in all the problems. That makes it easier to leave the troubles behind for a little while when you hang out together.
Peace, and good night.
Posted by LadyBug on May 13, 2006, at 0:28:57
In reply to Re: Feeling lower than dirt, posted by llrrrpp on May 12, 2006, at 23:06:23
Thanks for that, you are so sweet! I needed that. I don't tell my friends any details, it's too hard when they seem so happy in their relationships. They know I want out of my marriage, but that's about it?
I came home tonight and watched a movie, a chick flick, by myself or should I say, with my dog. She's a buddy too. And we had treats together.
Now I'm off to bed. I'm beat so I hope to sleep in a little bit tomorrow.
Good Night and Peace.
LadyBug
Posted by happyflower on May 15, 2006, at 20:19:58
In reply to Re: Feeling lower than dirt » llrrrpp, posted by LadyBug on May 13, 2006, at 0:28:57
I saw some ladybugs in my flowers the other day and I thought of you! :-) Life is sort of funny sometimes.
Posted by LadyBug on May 16, 2006, at 14:17:33
In reply to How are you doing Ladybug?, posted by happyflower on May 15, 2006, at 20:19:58
Oh I hope the ladybug was looking cute! I'm doing ok, things are still the same but my extreme sadness is somewhat better. I know I'm suffering some depression at the time. It stinks as I have no energy. I want to crawl in bed and stay there, but I can't, I have to come to work, but that's probably good. Otherwise I'd really slip downward. I'm supposed to go to my T. on Thurs and I'm so wanting to cancel only because what we talk about makes me want to die, litterly die and not live again. I get so hopeless talking about my marriage and my situation. My husband was a jewel for mother's day and so it confuses me to pieces.
Thanks for asking and I'll fly by today and sit on one of your beautiful petals. By the way, what color are you? (what color of flower?) Just wondering.
Hugs~~Happy/Beautiful/Flower
LadyBug
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