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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 43. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 20:58:28
Does any of your guys Ts ever talk about inner child stuff? How do you feel about it?
In recent weeks, my T has talked more and more about it, and as she does, I feel like she's losing me more and more. Not that I dont understand it.. I do. I just cant connect to it on an emotional level. There for a few weeks, I felt like I was finally hitting emotions (after a year) but as soon as we took this turn, I lost it.
Last session, I was talking about how someone implied recently that I'm whining, and how I'm so afraid that maybe he was right. I'm feeling very guarded about how I speak now. Anyway, her interpretation about the whining was that it's my "inner child" who needs something and is acting out the only way it knows how. She says I shouldnt ignore it and its okay to be acting that way, if I am indeed whining (she wouldnt say whether she thought I was or not, but by the conversation, I guess she agrees). I kept trying to say that I understand that my inner child is probably hurt and wounded.. however, I'm not 5, so even if it is wounded, its not okay to whine. I need to find a better way to deal, and basically, that means tell it to shut up and deal with the hurt as an adult. She disagreed. Unfortunately, the session sort of ended there.
I can see how we all may have an inner child buried within us that holds onto the hurt and pain from our childhoods... but I'm not a child, and I just feel like I have to deal with things as an adult now.
The harder she tries to convince me or use this interpretation of things, the less connected I'm feeling to her. It's just too abstract for me. But I dont know if I can tell her that. I worry way too much about hurting her feelings (and she knows that).. but also, when I have told her what I need or what isnt working in the past, nothing really has changed. That makes me wonder if I'm the problem.. am I just bad at therapy? She really is helpful most of the time.. anyway. That's off topic.
Just wondering about any of your alls experiences with this. Do you like it? Think its crazy? Anything?
Posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 23:02:05
In reply to inner child stuff, posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 20:58:28
I'd guess you're not whining.... Maybe you have all these feelings inside, but they don't feel acceptable. No, you're not 5, but knowing your not 5 doesn't make those feelings go away. They might come bursting out all over the place. Maybe they're kind of dormant. Maybe if they are, you don't want to meltdown in front of someone?It sounds like appearances are really important, ( I know they are for me.) and maybe you feel like you have to maintain the "adult" at all times. Do you have kids? If you do, did any of them ever throw temper tantrums? Don't you ever feel that way? Even just a little?
Maybe I'm way off base, but maybe your T thinks you're coming around to some of those feelings. Maybe she sees that kid peeking out from behind the place you were beginning to feel a few weeks ago.
Have you asked her why she keeps harping on it? I hope she can tell you. But don't dismiss it too quickly....I got really defensive with my T about the inner child thing and he completely dropped it. Wish he hadn't bec. now I'm feeling it and SO afraid to show it! bleh.
fw
Posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2006, at 0:08:20
In reply to Re: inner child stuff, posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 23:02:05
Hi,
My T does not use the term "inner child", but he does talk about how some feelings and reactions are "old" and represent unmet needs from the past. I admit I have had similar reactions to being faced with those needs cropping up again. I would often judge it as "immature", yes "whining", or "stupid". Yet he always respected them, and he helped me use the feelings to figure out what was going on now that was triggering the old need. Experiencing his reaction and his intepretations seems to make it easier for me to feel that it's okay to have that five year old part of myself in there. And she's also the part of myself that still likes to hear the sound of the leaves crunching under my feet in the fall, who likes to slide across the hardwood floors in stockinged feet when no one else is home, and who says silly things to the dog, so it's not all bad. :)Of course, it's taken awhile to feel okay about it. And now that I am approaching termination in therapy, I'm sort of regressing to the stage where I'm being judgmental to myself again. But as my T says, I recognize it now, which is good.
At any rate, I think it's possible to look at stuff from childhood and how the needs can still exist within us, without necessarily calling it an "inner child". I tend to refer to it as "old" versus "now". Could it be just that phrase, which can be over-used, that's off-putting to you?
And I know it's hard to say things to our T's that we fear might hurt their feelings. It's human nature, afterall (at least I believe it to be), and it shows that you care about her, which is good. And when you feel that doing this in the past has not resulted in change, that makes it harder. But as someone who's been on the other side of the room, I can tell you that I do want to hear from my clients when they feel I'm not connecting or if they don't feel I'm being helpful. At the moment, I can't really think of a time when I felt really bad about feedback from a client, although I'm in a pretty positive mood today, so... :) So, I guess I'm saying it ought to be okay to share your thoughts and reactions with your T. I hope it is.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 8:35:12
In reply to inner child stuff, posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 20:58:28
I think the important thing is that you tell your therapist how what she's doing is affecting you. That perhaps it's a matter of semantics, or perhaps it's a concept that doesn't resonate, but that you find it offputting. And that you realize that it might be helpful to many clients, but that you'd rather she at least use different terminology to see if that would help.
That really shouldn't hurt her feelings. You aren't criticizing her so much as you're clarifying your needs.
Posted by Poet on May 4, 2006, at 9:19:57
In reply to inner child stuff, posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 20:58:28
Hi wishingstar,
My T was really into having me interact with my four-year-old inner child. I was supposed to talk with *her.* Make her feel safe. I bought her a fairy wand and a stuffed bunny, but really can't help her feel safe, because adult me doesn't feel safe.
<<however, I'm not 5, so even if it is wounded, its not okay to whine. I need to find a better way to deal, and basically, that means tell it to shut up and deal with the hurt as an adult. She disagreed. Unfortunately, the session sort of ended there.
I call four-year-old inner child *the brat.* Adult me wants to tell her to just grow up and get over it all ready. I haven't talked about her in therapy in a long time, but I acknowledge she exists and can feel her, so to speak, when I get sad or angry.
I can also acknowledge being able to feel like I did at other childhood ages, but it's four year old me that seems to need the most attention. Anyway, I do think it sound crazy, but I have that fairywand and bunny, so I guess it's okay to admit there is a part of me that feels like a four-year-old again (or is that still?)
Poet
Posted by daisym on May 4, 2006, at 13:53:05
In reply to inner child stuff, posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 20:58:28
I don't know whether you are working on old trauma's or not but it is often the case that very young feelings and behaviors become encapsulated and then show up when triggered. My therapist doesn't use the term "inner child" much, but we do a lot of work actually speaking directly to age states. These are split off parts of me that feel very young. I am shocked at how "real" these parts of me are.
And I am horribly judgemental of these parts, overlaying lots of "shoulds" and "supposed to" stuff on my adult self. But if I can set that aside, I find that I learn a lot about myself by letting those parts come forward and speak more freely. Try it, if you can. It provides a certain type of relief. But it can also be frightening to let go like that.
I agree that you should try to tell your therapist that this approach isn't working for you. There are so many paths to take to the same place, it would be sad to get stuck on the road to healing.
Posted by muffled on May 4, 2006, at 13:53:59
In reply to Re: inner child stuff » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 8:35:12
Hi,
Well for me, when I finally was able to recognize my 'Kid', we fought like crazy!!!! I took me quite awhile, and some help from babblers, to realize that this 'Kid' is REALLY a kid and I needed to relate to her in that way. I kept trying to be adult with her and she kept having hissies. Now we mostly get along. And no, I don't condone her when she gets bad behaviors any more than I would accept the behavior from a real child. But I treat her as a child, and she has grown and improved and her behavior is much more socially acceptable. I treat her as kindly as I am able, and from an adult mother perspective. This has worked well for me in my relatioship w/my inner kid. I actually love her now (I find it hard to admit that, but I do) and she is part of me..so....I guess I love part of myself too. Weird.
Anyhow, dunno if I way off base here, but thats my thots.
My T is opposite of yours, she NOT into inner kid stuff!
LOL! go figger?!
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by curtm on May 4, 2006, at 14:42:09
In reply to inner child stuff, posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 20:58:28
>> The harder she tries to convince me or use this interpretation of things, the less connected I'm feeling to her. It's just too abstract for me.
** That is like a double-edged sword for me because if you are trying to help me through listening to what I have to say, I will whine (poor me.) If you are trying to help me by suggesting what what might be best for me to do/change, I will get defensive and flippant.
My pdoc is also my therapist (to me.) I have never gotten defensive with her, partly because she has an uncanny ability to read my personality and know not to tell me what's best for me. She has earned my trust and respect. She just listens, nods or shakes her head, then prescribes medicines.
I think a lot of it boils down to the value of 'trust.' If she doesn't earn your trust, how will she earn your respect? By trust I mean be loyal to your needs. You shouldn't have to be careful what you say and you shouldn't be afraid to tell her what you need and expect from her.
My outlook on it is that my pdoc and I are getting therapy from each other.
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:28:10
In reply to Re: inner child stuff, posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2006, at 0:08:20
Reading your response really helped a lot. You're right, I think in many ways, it is the wording that I'm having trouble with. I hadnt realized that until now. Inner child just sounds so abstract and mystical to me.. but old pain is something I can relate to. I never felt whiney until a week ago.. I'm a psych grad student and my counseling professor refered to me as being whiney (not in those words, but that's how it felt) after watching me be a client on tape (I'm sure you're familiar with all the taping.. yuck). I'm considering emailing him to tell him it hurt my feelings, but now that the semester is over, I'm not sure if its worth it. Plus, he may just file it away into the "whiney" category with everything else.
I see my T again on Monday and I may try to talk to her about the wording. It may just do the trick. Thanks for the suggestion!
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:31:37
In reply to Re: inner child stuff » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 8:35:12
you're right, it shouldnt hurt her feelings.. but I'm just so afraid it will. I guess what I'm really afraid of is that it will and she'll react negatively towards me. She has responded to me a few times lately in ways that have felt a little short and uncharacteristic of her.. I'm probably just imagining it, but who knows. Growing up, I was always okay with silence and lack of feelings.. assumed my parents loved me, etc.. until one day that was proven wrong in a big way. So I'm terribly afraid of what my T might be thinking, since I never know.. I'd never seen a "blow up" coming. 99% chance it'll never happen, I know.. but it's still scary.
I think I may talk to her on Monday about using different language and see if that helps. Something a little less magic-sounding would probably work. Thanks for the suggestion.
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:36:09
In reply to Re: inner child stuff » wishingstar, posted by Poet on May 4, 2006, at 9:19:57
Oh boy, that sounds so difficult to me! It's great that you have been able to do it. I can see how that would be very comforting. I have a weird habit of picking random stuffed toys or other things to "take care of".. I havent told my T that, but I guess that is the little child coming out. As I'm writing this, the thought went through my mind "I dont want her to know about that habit.. then she'll be partly right." Whoa, stubborn much? :)
Thanks for sharing your experience with this.. the more I read about how other people make sense of this for them, the more comfortable I'm feeling with the idea. Thank you.
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:40:07
In reply to Re: inner child stuff » wishingstar, posted by daisym on May 4, 2006, at 13:53:05
The weird thing is, there really wasnt a lot of trauma in my childhood. A big lack of emotion and connection definitely, but no abuse. One large incident that really had an affect when I was 16, but nothing before that. That's another reason why I feel like the 5 year old shouldnt be whining.. the 5 year old didnt experience anything all that bad to begin with. So it just feels whiney.. not like I'm working through old stuff. But for some reason, it does feel real. I very much want someone to love me and take care of me. And I think thats what the 5 year old is screaming about.
It's hard to let go of the shoulds. I'm very intellectual and read journal articles/books on therapy issues I feel bad about and proceed to quote them in sessions. I probably drive my T crazy with that! But you're right. And I am going to try and let myself feel it more without being so judgmental. I guess it cant hurt.
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:43:00
In reply to Re: inner child stuff, posted by muffled on May 4, 2006, at 13:53:59
Want to trade Ts for a week or 2?! I could use a break from all this. I'm just kidding on the trading.. I love my T, most of the time.
I like your point about how your kid had fits when you tried to be an adult with her. My T talks all the time about acting out and temper tantrums, and I think that's what I'm doing too. I teach 4 year olds, and I know that I work well with them. Too bad it's so hard to treat ourselves the same way sometimes. Ugh.. all this is just so hard. But your and everyones insights have been so very helpful. Thank you.
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:48:45
In reply to Re: inner child stuff » wishingstar, posted by curtm on May 4, 2006, at 14:42:09
> ** That is like a double-edged sword for me because if you are trying to help me through listening to what I have to say, I will whine (poor me.) If you are trying to help me by suggesting what what might be best for me to do/change, I will get defensive and flippant.
>Wow, reading this line really hit me. I do something very similar! I want her to listen and let me whine, but then I get mad at myself and wont be real with her. But when she tries to come up with solutions, I get mad at her and dont feel heard, and wont talk. I dont think that I've ever been outwardly defensive with her (at least I havent felt like I have), but there is definitely a big internal battle going on where part of me just wants to walk out with a string of profanities and never come back. Other weeks, shes the greatest person I've ever met. Very black and white.
As you mentioned, trust is also a huge issue for me. I trust her with my thoughts, but not so much with my emotions. When I've told her I dont feel heard in the past, I felt like she sort of blew it off (oh, thats just transference.. etc). But the trust is getting better. One day at a time.
I'm glad you've had such a great experience with your pdoc. It's amazing how much one good therapy relationship can do. :)
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:49:29
In reply to inner child stuff, posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 20:58:28
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 23:11:25
In reply to Re: inner child stuff, posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 23:02:05
You know, I had a moment of fear when I first read your post.. the anaology you used (kids throwing temper tantrums and how I'd react to it) is EXACTLY what my T always uses to try to convince me! I thought.. oh no, could she possibly have read my posting? But a second later, reality come back. :)
I dont have any children myself.. however, I've taught preschool for several years (4 year olds) so I've definitely experienced my share of temper tantrums. I do feel that way sometimes. I havent asked her why she is so stuck on it, but maybe I should. It might lead to some good insights.
Posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 8:40:46
In reply to Re: inner child stuff » fairywings, posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 23:11:25
I thinks it's cool that you reply back to everyon, shows that you do listen and that you need people to listen to you. Sometimes I do that too when I really feel like talking.
As far as:
>> I have a weird habit of picking random stuffed toys or other things to "take care of"..
Maybe we should have a little "tea party."
Posted by Poet on May 5, 2006, at 9:00:04
In reply to Re: inner child stuff » wishingstar, posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 8:40:46
If it's the Madhatter's tea party count me in!
Poet
Posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 10:28:29
In reply to Re: inner child stuff, posted by Poet on May 5, 2006, at 9:00:04
OK. We are having a "tea party," but you need to pick which character you are going to be...I'm sure they will go fast, so be on the ball!
We'll let all the characters come, even if they weren't there in the story, OK?Here's the list of characters:
Alice
Mad Hatter
Caterpillar
Cheshire Cat
March Hare
Queen of Hearts
Tweedledee
Tweedledum
The Walrus
The Carpenter
White Rabbit/Dodo
Alice's sister
Doorknob
Bill (I don't remember him)
Bird in the Tree
King of Hearts
The Rose
DormouseReagy, set, go!
I choose the White Hare. He is always late. and he babbles.
Posted by B2chica on May 5, 2006, at 11:15:53
In reply to This is going to be fun!, posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 10:28:29
although it's a tough choice between the mad hatter and the cheshire cat, i must say i'm feeling abit like a doorknob lately. so i'll be that.
b2c.
Posted by zazenduck on May 5, 2006, at 11:26:07
In reply to This is going to be fun!, posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 10:28:29
I'll be the walrus cause I know the song
I AM the walrus
I am the WALRUS
goo goo ja joob goo goo ja joob
Posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 11:39:07
In reply to This is going to be fun!, posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 10:28:29
I chose the White Hare, but it might be the White Rabbit. I'm not sure. Oh well, you know what I mean. "ooh, Im' late, I'm late."
Posted by wishingstar on May 5, 2006, at 11:49:17
In reply to This is going to be fun!, posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 10:36:27
ohh, great.. can I be the dormouse? I dont really know any of the characters, but he sounds like he'd be a cute little guy. :)
Posted by ClearSkies on May 5, 2006, at 11:58:06
In reply to This is going to be fun!, posted by curtm on May 5, 2006, at 10:28:29
I'll be the dormouse since that's what I usually am!
CSThank you Curt
Posted by ClearSkies on May 5, 2006, at 12:15:44
In reply to Re: This is going to be fun! » curtm, posted by wishingstar on May 5, 2006, at 11:49:17
Oops, a cross-post. I was going to be my mousey self, but maybe I'll be Tweedledum.
or Tweedledee.
I can't decide now :-(I see a thread consolidation coming our way...
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