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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 21:15:32
Second post in a row.. I tried to combine them, but it's just really a seperate issue. It didnt flow. Sorry.
I think I want to quit therapy. I think the reason its not "working" isnt my therapist.. its me. I'm not sure my issues are something that any therapist can help me with right now.. I'm just too messed up right now.
Basically, I complain all the time that I dont do the things that I want to do (mostly, have any kind of social life). It's not because the opportunities arent there.. I just dont take them. I see them, consider them, and let them pass.. then I'm mean to myself for doing it. Then if I try to tell myself to be nicer to myself, I'm mean to myself for excusing my behavior. No matter what happens, I'm negative about it. But the catch is, it's all under my control. I COULD choose to change it, but I dont. I truly feel like I just CANT.. but obviously its within my control and I can. I can choose to go out to dinner when invited. I just dont. I've talked about it a million times in therapy, but gotten no where really.. because I'm not sure there is anywhere to go, if that makes sense. It's just me being stupid. And I think my T is starting to feel frustrated and lost with it too.. maybe thats why all this inner child stuff is coming up (see my last post).
What if the only reason I do all this is for attention? I dont know. Maybe it is?
Regardless, I feel like I'm wasting my time in therapy. I'm looking for something (I dont know what) but it's not coming, and it's time to be an adult and make better decisions for myself. Stop whining. I really dont know if there's anything that being in therapy can do for me right now.
What I REALLY wish is that she'd stop trying to figure everything out and interpret everything and just be with me. Just let me hurt and care that I'm hurting, without having to connect it to what happened when I was a kid (not all that much) or anything else. Just for awhile anyway. My counseling training tells me that a bit of that would lead me to be ready to make more changes.. but I'm not sure. Here's where the attention piece comes in. Is attention really all I'm after? What makes me think I'm so special that I deserve that? I dont.
I even tell her all the games I know I play and what I know will work with me (for example, I told her that if she uses words more intense than the ones I use - like angry rather than annoyed - that pushes me into the emotional realm real fast, which is my goal). But it's like she doesnt hear any of it. I feel like I'm lacking some continuity in many ways with her. But the thing is, continuity and directing what we talk about is MY responsibility. So maybe I just need to stop waiting for her to help me.
$180 is a lot of money to pay for 4 hours of attention a month.
The more I think about this, the worse I feel, because I know I'm putting myself in this hole, and there's no one to blame but me.
Posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 23:09:12
In reply to im doing this to myself, posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 21:15:32
What aren't you getting in other relationships that you get from your T? Having someone listen to us, and give us their undivided attn. for an hour a week feels SOOOO good.
I've had the same arguments with myself, and kicked myself for the same reasons. Do you think she leads you into the more emotional places because she's trying to get any defenses down? Just a thought.
fw
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on May 3, 2006, at 23:27:08
In reply to im doing this to myself, posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 21:15:32
You sound so conflicted in this post. You go back and forth abt blaming yourself and your T. It might be the perfect post to show her. Perhpas she could answer whether she can provide for you the support that you need or whether someone else might be a better match for you.
Also, do you take meds? It might be something to consider trying (or tweaking, as the case may be). The part of your post that makes me think that is that you talk abt things that you'd like to do and have opportunities to do, but can't. Maybe some support from meds could put you in a place to make some changes.
Re: your above post. I think that many of us don't connect very well w/ the inner child discussion. There is nothing wrong with that (either way) but it might be a sign that another T would be a better fit.
On the other hand, how long have you been w/ this T? Did I read above that it has been 1 yr? If it has been a while, perhaps there are a lot of things that have been working? It is a lot to think abt.
Best,
EE
Posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2006, at 0:16:49
In reply to Re: im doing this to myself, posted by Emily Elizabeth on May 3, 2006, at 23:27:08
Hi again,
Reading this post, it sure sounds to me like depression going on. Of course, that might not be news to you.It's so easy to beat ourselves up for not doing things we know we should or could do. But experiencing depression is like having a bad case of the flu in a way. You know how when you have the flu, you just can't do anything, even basic self-care at times, because you're so debilitated? Depression is debilitating. It saps away our initiative, drive, pleasure in doing, and positive thoughts. I'm not saying you're disabled, but when you say that things are within your control, I only partly agree. I don't think it's helpful to think that nothing's in your control, but I do think that it can help to be a little easier on ourselves, and to realize that depression does interfere with our ability to fully engage in all that moves us.
And I second what emily elizabeth said about maybe your T's approach is not the right one for you right now. There are more active and present-focused ways to deal with problems emotion-focused and insight-oriented. Perhaps you'd feel more connected to a CBT orientation?
gg
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:11:54
In reply to Re: im doing this to myself, posted by Emily Elizabeth on May 3, 2006, at 23:27:08
You're right.. I am feeling completely conflicted. Part of me just wants to blame my T for everything, but I know that its partially my fault too. I dont know if I could show this to her.. the "realness" and emotion in what I wrote is past the level I'm able to show to her at this point. Talking with any sort of emotion is incredibly difficult for me. But I am going to try my best to tell her everything, even if it does come out a little more intellectual-sounding. That's another issue.. I wonder if my lack of emotionality makes her think thnigs are fine, even though I tell her it's there and I cant express it. Blah.
Medication is a funny topic. So funny I want to cry! I've been trying and trying to get on anti-depressants for the last month or so. I took them in the past, but its been awhile. Unfortunately, I dont have insurance so I cant see a regular pdoc. There is only 1 sliding scale clinic in town, and I worked directly with the psychiatrist for awhile (I was a case manager), so he's out. I dont meet the financial requirements to go to the regular free clinic in town. I'm a graduate student and my university provides med management through the counseling center, but they wont let me use it because I dont have a therapist at their center.. but, they wont let me have a therapist there because its time-limited therapy. Argh! I've contacted everyone I can think of, and even made a small scene at the health center, but no luck. I wish wish wish I knew a way to make that work.
I've been seeing my T this time around for about 9 months.. but only started coming every week in Feb, when things got harder. However, I saw her for about 6 months a year or so ago too. I guess you're right about it helping some.. I have definitely learned to be more honest and tell her what I need from others (but not from her yet). I guess my therapy feels like its been mostly a maintenance thing in the last few months, when I really want it to feel like progress. I guess I really should be happy with what I have.
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 22:18:38
In reply to Re: im doing this to myself, posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2006, at 0:16:49
I agree.. it is definitely depression. I suffered through a very serious depression about 6 years ago and was okay until around Dec, but things have gone down hill again. I'm all too familiar with what may be to come.
I really appreciate the flu analogy and what you said about depression being debilitating. You're right.. but it's easy to forget that and blame myself anyway. Even now, there's a big part of me that says "yes, but it's STILL your choice!" But part of me knows it's partially not as well. I think I'm independent and take care of myself (dont let anyone else) to the point that it hurts me in the end.. and this is just another example. If I cant get my butt in gear and do what I need to do, what good am I? But part of me knows better. It helps to hear someone else reinforce that though. Becuase I AM trying.
Yes.. I think CBT may be a good thing for me. My current T says she uses CBT techniques, but I dont think it's her big focus. Switching to someone else just seems to be a monumental task and way too scary, as I'm sure you all understand. This summer, I'll be out of town for 8 weeks and hopefully seeing a T I saw years ago. She was wonderful and did more CBT (as I remember) so I'm hoping that'll be a good experience.
Posted by wishingstar on May 4, 2006, at 23:15:36
In reply to Re: im doing this to myself » wishingstar, posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 23:09:12
Boy I've written you a lot of stuff lately.. hope you got the babblemail.
I think its completely the undivided attention that I'm thriving on with my T. I'm partially afraid that that's the only thing keeping me "sick".. the need to have her attention in that way.
I guess my frustration with her is really not that she's pushing me emotionally, but that she's not most of the time. I think she is personally more comfortable with insight and intellect than emotions, as am I.. so we stay in that land most of the time. However, the inner child thing is obviously emotional, and you're probably right, she is probably just trying to get me to open up the emotions.. but it still feels so technical to me for some reason. I often think that if she'd just say "wow, you're really hurting arent you" I'd just fall apart right there on the spot. I guess this is a lesson in asking for what I need. Dont you hate these "therapy lessons" sometimes?
This is the end of the thread.
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