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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 28. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 13:17:31
When I sat down, he asked my how I am feeling, and I said nervous.(which I am normally not) I said there is something I need to tell you. He listened to me nicely. He then said he will honor my wishes as much as he can. He said he would stop talking the social stuff that didn't have anything to do with therapy. (small talk) He did say that he uses disclosure probably more than most T's especailly if it shows he can relate to the client. So I think he got the message.
Then he brought up termaination, luckey me. He asked me if I thought we did good work together, and I said yes. So we talked about that, the same stuff I have heard before. Well he asked what I thought we needed to work on. It almost seemed that he was in a way saying, hey, didn't we do good work , why are you complaining on HOW we did it.Everything was okay, a little strained, I was looking at the clock, LOL (which I think I have never done before) But near the end I brought up what his friend told me at the gym, that I wouldn't play Carniage Hall. I said you can send the bill to him since his friend is trying to mess me up.
Then I asked him why he told me that this guy was his friend. Was I suppose to avoid this couple, or was he giving me a heads up. He seemed to get a little defensive about it and said that he didn't mean anything by it. I said that I am not the one coming to them, they are coming to me and talking to me. He said I can talk to them ( a couple), and that he didn't want to mess up my social time. Then he said, just don't talk to me. He said it kinda of joking, but I told him, well you suck! I looked right at him when I said it too. I don't know how he took that comment because it was time for me to leave.
I get the impression he is a little miffed about me questioning him about stuff he has said and done. I feel bad that maybe he is a little ticked, but I needed to do this for myself. But I do feel so sad, like I lost something, but I guess it wasn't mine to have anyways. I guess I am feeling a little angry too, I am not sure whybut sadness is what I feel the most. So any ideas anyone?
Posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2006, at 13:40:19
In reply to Well I told him, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 13:17:31
Good for you for following through.
I wonder if it's not so much that he's miffed at you, but rather mad at himself, now that he knows how his self-disclosure affects you?
Way to go, girl!
gg
Posted by muffled on May 4, 2006, at 14:00:44
In reply to Re: Well I told him » happyflower, posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2006, at 13:40:19
Posted by daisym on May 4, 2006, at 14:32:46
In reply to Well I told him, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 13:17:31
What you did was really, really hard. I'm proud of you. You are taking what you learned in therapy and using it.
I'm guessing what you said stung a little. So your therapist might be trying to take it well, but as GG said, is upset with himself. It is always hard to hear things like this, no matter how enlightened we are or how confident. But as a friend of mine says, it is an AFGO -- Another F***ing Growth Opportunity! And I'm guessing that you are sad because you "hurt" him -- made him unhappy, upset, defensive, whatever word you want to put here. And it never feels good to have to tell someone we care about something they don't want to hear.
Are you worried that you aren't the "favorite" client anymore because you were hard on him? I know I do.
But you did the right thing. And I bet he is proud of you too, for standing up for yourself.
Be gentle with yourself today.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 14:53:56
In reply to Re: Well I told him » happyflower, posted by daisym on May 4, 2006, at 14:32:46
That if I can't have a small piece of his cake, then don't tempt me with a taste of the frosting. Yes , it is orginal, LOL But I didn't mean it as "having a piece of his *ss" though.
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 14:56:03
In reply to Well I told him, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 13:17:31
when he said don't talk to me, was F*CK YOU! , insead if "You suck".
I guess I am feeling a little miffed myself.
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 15:01:55
In reply to Re: Well I told him » happyflower, posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2006, at 13:40:19
Thanks GG,
You are probably right, he is mad at himself, especially since I was the one who had to enlighten him. But why does it feel like I am the one losing here? This whole situation sucks big time, ya know?
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 15:03:09
In reply to Goto run, but RIGHT ON!!! you the bestest HF!!! (nm), posted by muffled on May 4, 2006, at 14:00:44
Thanks Muffy for your continued support through out. How are things for you? Are you still f*cking mad? I hope you are better. ((((Muffy))))
Posted by B2chica on May 4, 2006, at 15:07:07
In reply to and what I should of said, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 14:56:03
please please please don't think to hardly on this. if your like me the more i'd think about it the more i'd regret it or second guess what i did was right...but here's to let you know i think this was a long time coming! and Rightfully said.
just remember, if nothing else, you had concerns and some hurt feelings and you above all else EXPRESSED THEM! yay for you.
i think what you did was wonderful and maybe he didn't react as well as he could have, but you may have caught him off guard, his little HF actually stood up after being stepped on...surprise!
but my guess, if he's half the T you say he is, your next session will be great and hopefully he will support you on what you were able to say and how you said it.
and ya, about his last comment i think in all honesty "f#ck y*u" is much more appropriate!
;^)GOOD FOR YOU HF!
LOTS OF (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))b2c
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 15:19:01
In reply to Re: Well I told him » happyflower, posted by daisym on May 4, 2006, at 14:32:46
Hi Daisy,
I know I did what was right, but it hurt really bad to do it. I still feel like I have lost something with him because of what I said. But I did stand up for myself, and I guess I gained a little bit of convidence in myself to do what is right for me.
Yeah, I am sure he is not thinking too nicely about me right now. I know he has a huge temper and he is a little angry right now maybe not directly at me, but at what I said, and how I interpreted his self disclosures. I still think he likes me though.
But today I was talking about that next week is my 20yr anniv. of getting drunk for the first time and I KNOW he probably wanted to say something about himself then, I could see he was struggling some today.
I still look back and can't believe I told him that he sucked, I am like where did that come from? But when he said don't talk to me, it kinda set me off. Why did he say that, doesn't he know that I know that already? Was he trying to hurt me even though he said it kinda of jokely. But yet even though it was jokely quality to it, it felt like he was saying, well up yours happyflower or you hurt me then I am going to hurt you too.
I think I did hurt him today, even though he won't let me know it. And since he didn't talk about himself today, I talked more than ever did, heck I was even looking at the clock, because time seemed to stand still. I guess I shouldn't over process all of this, but it is hard to accept all it. Thank for your support, Daisy, it means a lot. Any other advice for this poor soul?
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 15:26:30
In reply to Re: and what I should of said » happyflower, posted by B2chica on May 4, 2006, at 15:07:07
> please please please don't think to hardly on this. if your like me the more i'd think about it the more i'd regret it or second guess what i did was right...but here's to let you know i think this was a long time coming! and Rightfully said.
Yup, you are right! I do tend to overthink these situations.
> just remember, if nothing else, you had concerns and some hurt feelings and you above all else EXPRESSED THEM! yay for you.Thanks, I guess that makes me feel a little better.
> i think what you did was wonderful and maybe he didn't react as well as he could have, but you may have caught him off guard, his little HF actually stood up after being stepped on...surprise!HeeHee! I might have caught him off guard. HMMM> Happyflower used to adore him, and now I am saying enough is enough, cowboy.
> but my guess, if he's half the T you say he is, your next session will be great and hopefully he will support you on what you were able to say and how you said it.
I think you might be right, it seems like after a hard session, especially after I have had to confront him on something, things do become better.
> and ya, about his last comment i think in all honesty "f#ck y*u" is much more appropriate!
> ;^)HeeHEE! Thank you! I wish I could of thought of that then, but "you suck" did get my point across. How dare him say, don't talk to me!!!
> GOOD FOR YOU HF!
> LOTS OF (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))Thanks for all your support B2 and I love hugs too! :-)
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 15:33:27
In reply to Well I told him, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 13:17:31
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 16:44:01
In reply to Re: Well I told him » gardenergirl, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 15:01:55
> But why does it feel like I am the one losing here?
And boy, do I understand.
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 16:55:17
In reply to Good for you!!! » happyflower, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 16:44:01
He goes I am glad to see that they are not allowing strollers and dogs in the race. Because he says that makes him angry to run around them and he doesn't like dogs barking at him.
Then I said well then I will bring my pet mouse to run with me (knowing he has a phobia of mice). HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Then he said he will bring his cat to eat my mouse, then I said, nooooo, because you told me about your whimpy cat who can't even catch a chipmunk. HAHAHAHAH! And he thinks he doesn't think I know anything about him. Well this time it bit him in the butt. DO I sound angry? Maybe if i see him at the gym I WILL squirt him in the face with my waterbottle, heck maybe I should just dump it on his head! ( he said I couldn't dump water on him) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 16:56:33
In reply to Good for you!!! » happyflower, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 16:44:01
Posted by orchid on May 4, 2006, at 16:58:12
In reply to Well I told him, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 13:17:31
I can understand how you feel. You are quite very brave for having said what you said.
I think also that you are little bit p against a no win situation here. If he stops talking to you about himself, you will feel more hurt I think. I think that is wherer the sadness and the feeling of having lost something comes from. It is very understandable that you feel this way. And on the other hand, if he continues telling you about him, it would make him feel bad that he is not obeying your rules, and it might be like teasing you further. It is a no easy answer question.
I personally feel he should continue to treat you friendly, and involve a little bit of his self in the therapy going forwards, since it has already begun rather than abruptly stop telling you anything about him.
Also I felt a little disappointed at his reply to you. He should have probed your feelings further, asked you what makes it so difficult for you, tried to understand the depth of your feelings, and explained the rationale for him treating you the way he did. I think he got little defensive, and it is not very good for a T to do that when you were feeling very vulnerable yourself. Also he should have understood how sad you must be feeling and how conflicted you would be, and should have tried to empathize more with you. And maybe even apologize for causing you this confusion.
Also I think it is little bad taste to bring up termination in this session. It would have made you feel more hurt, and I guess a little bit *punished* for your openness. And not to mention that he tried to push the responsibility on to you - like asking you not to talk to him. It really sucks. And I am glad you told him that.
It could have been handled better by him.
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 17:18:38
In reply to Hey, want some more passive aggressive stuff?, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 16:55:17
I know what car he drives and I know where he parks it (maybe he shouldn't of told me that either! HAHA Any volunteers? ;-) Sorry to vent so much today!
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 17:32:13
In reply to Re: Well I told him » happyflower, posted by orchid on May 4, 2006, at 16:58:12
Thanks Orchid,
I do think he explained himself somewhat but I do think we should of talked about my feelings more other than me just saying that it is conflicting and it hurts not to talk to him when I see him. Maybe this will get discussed later.
It was kinda like I said stop disclosing, and he said okay. and that is it. Maybe he needs to let it sink in too. (it probably did catch him off guard)Normally when he bring up termination, it does seem to set me off a lot of times. But this time it didn't, I do agree with what he says about it. I am not hurt about it, I know it is going to happen soon. He could be thinking (and I am guessing here) that maybe we are getting too close to work together. Or is like he just wanted to know if I think we can still work together. I know we have done good work togehter, we both agree on that. He says I am doing well and he thinks I should think about termination or maybe taking a break sometime soon. But he is going to leave it up to me.
Thanks Orchid for your support and kind words.
Posted by muffled on May 4, 2006, at 18:05:02
In reply to Re: Well I told him » orchid, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 17:32:13
You my hero!!!
Dump water on him!!!!!
DARE ya!!!!!
HA!
LOL HF.
You really are special,
hope you know that.
Muffled
Posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 20:03:25
In reply to YA!!!GO for it girl!!!!, posted by muffled on May 4, 2006, at 18:05:02
I wonder if it will be ackward seeing him at the gym? I wonder how he will be.
Posted by Karolina on May 4, 2006, at 23:08:22
In reply to Well I told him, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 13:17:31
Good job!! That's really great you let him know how you feel, I know that was a hard thing to do.
I remember you saying that your T and you kind of had a chemistry, like an attraction to each other, so I can see how hearing what you had to say could have made him get defensive. Because he has an interest in you, he probably enjoyed talking about his personal life and feeling a special connection to you by disclosing things to you about himself...but it's kind of like a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, it *does* feel special to have your T be comfortable enough to share his personal life with you. It deepens the connection/bond in the relationship. But on the other hand, it's painful, because of the stupid boundaries he tries to keep about seeing each other outside of sessions, after he has been so open and shared things about his personal life.
It might feel like a loss because you may find yourself wanting him to open up like usual and now he says he will agree not to. I don't know what I'm trying to say but i still think you did the right thing by being honest with him about how you felt. But I think it was rude of him to say 'just don't talk to me' and I would have wanted to say 'F*ck you' too!
Maybe he can find a happy medium, to not become all clinical and 'too professional' all of the sudden, but not go back to his old ways either, but just to keep things friendly (like orchid had said) but in a way that is still both comforting and beneficial to you.
-Karolina-
Posted by madeline on May 5, 2006, at 6:56:42
In reply to Well I told him, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 13:17:31
I understand the loss that you feel. In a real way it is like you "broke up" with him, and that IS sad, it is a loss.
But it is okay. You did what you had to do to keep yourself safe AND continue the good work you have been doing in therapy.
I understand why he got a little defensive too (and I think you do too), hearing something like that is never easy - even for a trained professional and his ego probably got a little dented, but, being a professional, he will come around.I'm very proud of you.
Maddie.
Posted by Poet on May 5, 2006, at 8:58:29
In reply to I think I feel better now that I have vented BUT, posted by happyflower on May 4, 2006, at 20:03:25
Hi Happyflower,
I think it will be awkward, but more so for him. You really have the upper hand, you can just run past him and ignore him.
I don’t have a big dog to go in circles around him at the race and I don’t think I can pee on his car (shy bladder.) I am a pretty bad driver and would be happy to accidentally run over his foot as ge gets in his car.
Poet
Posted by muffled on May 5, 2006, at 12:15:56
In reply to Re: I think I feel better now that I have vented BUT » happyflower, posted by Poet on May 5, 2006, at 8:58:29
Posted by happyflower on May 6, 2006, at 8:41:37
In reply to Re: Well I told him » happyflower, posted by madeline on May 5, 2006, at 6:56:42
> I understand the loss that you feel. In a real way it is like you "broke up" with him, and that IS sad, it is a loss.
You know I didn't think of it as a breakup, but yeah, it is kinda of like that. I am now remembering the look on his face after I told him, he was hurt, he couldn't hide that. I even feel bad because I don't think he was feeling very good either that day. I hope he heard the part when I said that I like him a lot and really enjoy talking to him about stuff that doesn't have to do with therapy but I don't want it if I can't have it outside of therapy.
Maybe he will have time to think about the situation more. I think when he said "don't talk to me", he was kinda saying it "laughing" but maybe it is him seeing how ridulous it seems. Maybe now that I have drawn up my own boundries, he might be willing to be more reasonable in his own boundries.
Now if I can just get his hurt look out of my mind, I will feel better. In a way, I do want to run into him at the gym to see how he reacts. I hope he will not ignore me. Gee, it does seem like I broke up with him. :-(
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