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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
First, the good. Recently, I'm sure most of you are aware, I experienced a series of triggers. The subject was triggering itself. Or at least, that's where it began. And in the process, I discovered so much about what happens to me when I am triggered, that I feel as if I am transformed. Upon entering into those earlier discussions, I still did not know just what was wrong with me. After years of therapy, and some major efforts, I still didn't know.
But then, suddenly I saw it. I knew it when I saw it, too.
In discovering that I had an ego state disorder, arising from childhood experience, and falling under the more general rubric of post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic.....in discovery alone, I also discovered healing. Imagine that. The act of catharsis and the eureka itself were one and the same event.
So, I come to you now in gratitude, that all of you here have contributed to my success. Pfinstegg stands out, but I don't mean to select or identify. I am utterly grateful for the insight I have developed. Sometimes, merely sharing an idea, moves the whole thing along.
However, it comes upon the shoulders of others, as well. That is the bad news. There were innocent people, both observing and creating my catharsis, who carried away more than they brought to the conversation. To those individuals, I wish to convey my most sincere apologies. I did not know what I had in me. If I had known, I never would have let it happen. I am so very sorry that I was so overwhelmingly vocal about my experience.
I could not ever have said this before, but I can say it now.....It is possible that I may never again be triggered into dissociation. Before, I could not have said that. But, now I can. {Aside: That is not a challenge, 'kay?}
I've always posted under my real name, because I could not bear the idea that I would ever be thought of as trying to hide from or bury my responsibility for all that I say. I only just discovered that I spoke with multiple voices. Those voices were distinct entities, having their own personality, vocabulary, and even memories. I didn't know what was happening to me, what was coming out of me, but it was mine. I just couldn't ever leave any doubt about that.
I don't know how to apologize to individuals who don't have their babblemails on....but I am sorry I made so many people witnesses to my recovery process. Recovery, it surely was, though. And I am in debt to you all.
Lar
Posted by B2chica on May 2, 2006, at 12:45:35
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
sorry so much for your pain, but it sounds like you are improving and have really crossed a threshold on an uphill climb. that's very good news.
i'm afraid i don't have any wise words but i can appreciate such heartfelt honesty and am sure others here appreciate it too.best wishes
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:19:38
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
Hi Larry,
What an incredibly heartfelt and sincere apology. I'm glad you're able to post again. I missed you.
I'm so glad that you've had such insight, even at some cost. It sounds like you went through some really bad times going through this process. I wasn't hurt by you, so I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm just glad you've been able to take steps forward after all these years of effort.
So, now what do you do? Is there more therapy, a good therapist who can help you deal with the issues you know about now?
((((hugs))))
fw
Posted by gardenergirl on May 2, 2006, at 13:51:30
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
Lar,
It's wonderful to see you post again. Even more, I'm so happy for you about your growth and the healing you described. Thank you for sharing it with us with such honesty and eloquence.Warmly,
gg
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 2, 2006, at 15:44:43
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
Larry, I'm so happy to read what you wrote, and to know that you are well along on the road to healing and integration. I am quite a thorough Babble reader, and I must say I never saw anything hurtful or harmful written by you. You contributed SO much valuable information, but this is something different- I think you are really talking about integrating tremendously painful memories and feeling-states into your adult self. I have, and still am, doing the same thing. When we are doing that, I thinks it takes all the energy and courage we can muster, but it's so much better afterwards, isn't it?
Posted by littleone on May 2, 2006, at 21:16:40
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
I'm so glad you posted here Larry. I'd been worried that that incident would have been the last straw for you and caused you to leave. I'm so happy that you gained such valuable insight from what happened. You deserve good things.
> In discovering that I had an ego state disorder, arising from childhood experience, and falling under the more general rubric of post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic.....in discovery alone, I also discovered healing. Imagine that. The act of catharsis and the eureka itself were one and the same event.
May I ask how exactly you've found it healing? eg you've learnt to communicate with your parts, or you've learnt how to soothe your parts or meet their needs or other things entirely. If you'd rather not answer that's fine, I was just trying to understand better how you've taken steps to heal.
> I could not ever have said this before, but I can say it now.....It is possible that I may never again be triggered into dissociation. Before, I could not have said that. But, now I can. {Aside: That is not a challenge, 'kay?}Could you maybe explain a bit more what you mean here? I'm certainly not doubting you, please don't misunderstand me, I'm just having trouble understanding why you feel this way. I guess a part of me is kind of a bit upset that you've moved forward so much in such a relative short period of time and I'm just going nowhere. I'd really like to understand a lot better what's been happening with you while you were gone.
I'm really happy that you're feeling a lot better now and understand yourself better.
Posted by AuntieMel on May 3, 2006, at 12:06:04
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
I am *so* happy to see you here.
A big virtual air hug from me until I can give you a real one (air hug, that is)
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 3, 2006, at 14:51:14
In reply to Re: Yippee » Larry Hoover, posted by AuntieMel on May 3, 2006, at 12:06:04
> I am *so* happy to see you here.
>
> A big virtual air hug from me until I can give you a real one (air hug, that is)That's us, smiling.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 10:21:09
In reply to Re: Good news, and bad news » Larry Hoover, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:19:38
> Hi Larry,
>
> What an incredibly heartfelt and sincere apology. I'm glad you're able to post again. I missed you.Thank you.
> So, now what do you do? Is there more therapy, a good therapist who can help you deal with the issues you know about now?
>
> ((((hugs))))
> fwMore therapy? I dunno. My therapist is retiring in a few weeks. I've been seeing him for, like, forever. I told him that I could be his "icing on the cake" client. A huge success, to take with him when he leaves. He thought that was a lovely idea.
I really have no idea what comes next. Other than taking on the world on its own terms. Don't be too surprised, if you hear my name in 3D land.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 10:42:21
In reply to Re: It's all Good News!, posted by Pfinstegg on May 2, 2006, at 15:44:43
> Larry, I'm so happy to read what you wrote, and to know that you are well along on the road to healing and integration. I am quite a thorough Babble reader, and I must say I never saw anything hurtful or harmful written by you.
Thank you.
> You contributed SO much valuable information, but this is something different- I think you are really talking about integrating tremendously painful memories and feeling-states into your adult self.
Precisely so. Maybe Humpty Dumpty didn't need king's horses and king's men, but instead, a good therapist.
> I have, and still am, doing the same thing. When we are doing that, I thinks it takes all the energy and courage we can muster, but it's so much better afterwards, isn't it?
Yes. It was worth every moment spent in preparation. It was worth every moment of terror, during. It was worth facing the aftermath. I only wish there was less of the latter.
I have a confidence in self that I never knew before. I have a fair bit of work ahead just getting used to the New Me®.
Also, there are ripples. Like space/time has been disturbed. Very brief moments of visual/auditory tremors, accompanied by a moment of apprehension. Quickly over. I take them to be "adjustments", like you might do with Velcro that didn't quite stick precisely where you wanted it.
You were the first person I ever saw use the phrase "ego state disorder", and you asked me to try it on. And it was the most useful idea of all. Thank you. Thank you for having the courage to publicly express an intuitive feeling.
Lar
Posted by ClearSkies on May 4, 2006, at 11:22:11
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
Larry, first a big old ClearSkies brand of bear hug... maybe it's more like a puppy hug:
(((((((((Lar))))))))))
And I wanted to share that I too have had an epiphanous (is that a word? It is now) experience recently with my PTSD and triggering. I posted some of it on the Politics board, but I can't be bothered to link to it.
Even though my experience did not involve Babble - except for getting some very helpful and thoughtful suggestions from folks here - I mention it to you as a "me too!".
Can I say that it's already been a life changing experience? I think that I can actually say it. And I can say that this process definitely has been assisted by my participation at Babble, my therapists' work with me, and my medications. Somehow, at some time, the inner workings of my mind started to be able to string this gunk together and I'm getting to where I understand so much more about myself trauma, my triggers, and how I might be able to move forward.
CS
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 11:55:42
In reply to Re: Good news » Larry Hoover, posted by littleone on May 2, 2006, at 21:16:40
> I'm so glad you posted here Larry. I'd been worried that that incident would have been the last straw for you and caused you to leave. I'm so happy that you gained such valuable insight from what happened. You deserve good things.
Oh, I'm a little misty-eyed now. That's very sweet of you.
> > In discovering that I had an ego state disorder, arising from childhood experience, and falling under the more general rubric of post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic.....in discovery alone, I also discovered healing. Imagine that. The act of catharsis and the eureka itself were one and the same event.
>
> May I ask how exactly you've found it healing? eg you've learnt to communicate with your parts, or you've learnt how to soothe your parts or meet their needs or other things entirely. If you'd rather not answer that's fine, I was just trying to understand better how you've taken steps to heal.I understand why you're asking these questions. It's all very much a process, even the trying to describe it part.
My parts aren't apart any more.
Historically, the ego state transitions were transparent to me. I saw no evidence that they happened. The switch was seamless. It always was. Those others selves left no clues, save their words. And the lost time.
So, I built a scaffold. A cognitive perch from which to observe. Like a hunter in a blind. A hunter is only a hunter if game comes by. Otherwise, he's just some guy up a tree.
And I waited. The me part of me waited. It's like doing relationship work. You have to be in one to do it. I needed to see what happened to me, before, during, and after, a dissociative event. The clue for me, that finally tipped me off, was trying to figure out why those most florrid and immature and insulting comments were *added* during editing. With my implicit consent, apparently. It didn't add up, at all. Until I saw it happen. The recognition went both ways. The act of observing eliminated the fragment, because the "crack" between us disappeared.
I don't know if you do programming, but it's like what you go through when you're debugging. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. Then, it does. Like object-oriented programming, and a module isn't passing usable variables. It only works when the objects mesh properly.
My ex-fragments still need their needs met, but overall, my coping strategies are quite comfortable for them. After all, they have the same taste in things.
> > I could not ever have said this before, but I can say it now.....It is possible that I may never again be triggered into dissociation. Before, I could not have said that. But, now I can. {Aside: That is not a challenge, 'kay?}
>
> Could you maybe explain a bit more what you mean here? I'm certainly not doubting you, please don't misunderstand me, I'm just having trouble understanding why you feel this way. I guess a part of me is kind of a bit upset that you've moved forward so much in such a relative short period of time and I'm just going nowhere. I'd really like to understand a lot better what's been happening with you while you were gone.One thing is, the realization that re-integration was occurring, happened before I was blocked. It was an instantaneous recognition. This variable only comes in two states, and it changed states. 0 is now 1. If I took the time to look back at time stamps of the posts in question, I bet I could narrow it down to an exact moment in time.
Whatever it was, this variable that changed, it's analogous to a business being in the red, or being in the black. Certain conditions attach to either of those states. Before I saw what was happening during a triggering event, before I made that observation, I could not have predicted anything. I was still totally blind to what I might discover, if I ever did maneuver myself into the right place to see it. But once I've seen it, it is no longer a mystery at all. Because I've seen it, I can say that it *may* never happen again. I did not have the data to predict anything, before. Now I have data, *and* no more "cracks" between the modules.
> I'm really happy that you're feeling a lot better now and understand yourself better.Thank you. It's still a process. That part will never change.
I like to find the silver lining. I like finding shiny things amongst the muck and detritus of existence. I discovered that I am a living parallel processor. I have multi-tracking going on, all the time. It may be an obvious observation to others, but it feels different to simply know these things about me, now.
I hope I didn't just raise more questions with my attempts to answer, but it's okay if I did. I'm up for more questions, if you have any.
Hugs,
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 12:22:02
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
....for the kindness you've shown me. For seeing the good.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 12:25:06
In reply to Re: Good news, and bad news » Larry Hoover, posted by ClearSkies on May 4, 2006, at 11:22:11
> And I wanted to share that I too have had an epiphanous (is that a word? It is now) experience recently with my PTSD and triggering.
Yay! Double yay!
> Can I say that it's already been a life changing experience? I think that I can actually say it.
Yes. Yes you can. <major grinnage>
{{{{{{{{{{{{CS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 4, 2006, at 14:21:02
In reply to Good news, and bad news, posted by Larry Hoover on May 2, 2006, at 12:25:38
and to see you fighting and recovering..
Nikki xx
This is the end of the thread.
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