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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:11:23
This is the 7th time in 7 months - twice because he'd overbooked. Do you think 7 times is excessive? Twice it couldn't be helped - his dad died....I'm not completely callous. But I really needed to talk to him tonight. I'm really hurt that he cancelled again. Am I over reacting?
Also, I wrote him a note a few weeks ago. He had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned something in the note. At our appt. the note was clipped to the front of my file. He said he never got it. He said someone else must have opened it and clipped it to my file. His asst. is the only one who could have opened it, but when I talked to her today she said he DID get the note, that no one else opened it, and she said he HAD read it. It was sitting on his desk, and she knows he'd read it. She knew exactly what I was talking about, so she must know that he got it and read it.
I feel so let down, like I can't depend on him, and now maybe I can't believe what he says - or maybe he's just too busy - he's hard to get in to see. I don't want to start all over with someone else - he's the 2nd T in a year, but I feel like he's let me down too many times. I'm really hurt, and I don't want to keep going through stuff like this. I admit it, I'm hurt, I feel unimportant, insignificant, and I'm having a temper tantrum.
Why did I get myself into this? I never thought I'd end up feeling this way. Now I feel like it's just another opportunity to get hurt. I want to quit so I don't have to keep going through this, but thinking about quitting feels like ripping my heart out.
I do feel like I've made some strides recently, but between him cancelling again, and feeling pushed to "move on" I'm just questioning if it's worth it. Is this a bad fit, or am I over reacting, or what? Do things like this send anybody else into a tailspin?
I feel so incredibly stupid, weak, and overly dependent.
fw
Posted by one woman cine on May 2, 2006, at 13:46:34
In reply to T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:11:23
I'm sorry he cancelled, you must be really disappointed. Consistency in therapy is so, so important & when that "consistency" aspect fails, its painful. I think that a therapist should consistent in terms of time, in fact its part of the therapeutic agreement. You both show up and work for the allotted period of time and work. & I think if there are other inconsistencies within the relationship, it can leave you feeling unsure and unsafe.
But, sudden things do come up that can't be forseen - things happen from time to time that can't be helped and it unfortunately causes distress. Did he give you any advance notice? (I hope he did.)
Maybe you can tell him how you feel. Whether you are feeling disappointed (or hurt or whatever) & you can work through it together. Feeling helpless and dependent sucks, but sometimes those are the best feelings worth examining in therapy. Don't give up on the therapy yet.
> This is the 7th time in 7 months - twice because he'd overbooked. Do you think 7 times is excessive? Twice it couldn't be helped - his dad died....I'm not completely callous. But I really needed to talk to him tonight. I'm really hurt that he cancelled again. Am I over reacting?
>
> Also, I wrote him a note a few weeks ago. He had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned something in the note. At our appt. the note was clipped to the front of my file. He said he never got it. He said someone else must have opened it and clipped it to my file. His asst. is the only one who could have opened it, but when I talked to her today she said he DID get the note, that no one else opened it, and she said he HAD read it. It was sitting on his desk, and she knows he'd read it. She knew exactly what I was talking about, so she must know that he got it and read it.
>
> I feel so let down, like I can't depend on him, and now maybe I can't believe what he says - or maybe he's just too busy - he's hard to get in to see. I don't want to start all over with someone else - he's the 2nd T in a year, but I feel like he's let me down too many times. I'm really hurt, and I don't want to keep going through stuff like this. I admit it, I'm hurt, I feel unimportant, insignificant, and I'm having a temper tantrum.
>
> Why did I get myself into this? I never thought I'd end up feeling this way. Now I feel like it's just another opportunity to get hurt. I want to quit so I don't have to keep going through this, but thinking about quitting feels like ripping my heart out.
>
> I do feel like I've made some strides recently, but between him cancelling again, and feeling pushed to "move on" I'm just questioning if it's worth it. Is this a bad fit, or am I over reacting, or what? Do things like this send anybody else into a tailspin?
>
> I feel so incredibly stupid, weak, and overly dependent.
> fw
Posted by gardenergirl on May 2, 2006, at 13:59:09
In reply to T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:11:23
How awful for you. Seven times in seven months does seem excessive. It certainly would feel excessive to me, even if each time it was an understandable reason. Although frankly, overbooking you twice is not cool. If it's his policy to overbook in order to protect himself from lost income from no-shows and cancellations, he should tell you in advance. If it was a mistake, he or whoever does his scheduling should make efforts to ensure it does not happen again. I know I was mortified when I did that accidentally once. I've almost had it happen again, but fortunately, in reviewing my schedule for the week, I caught it in advance and called. I know I've got to double check now in order to prevent that from happening again.
And about the note, I'd tell him how you perceive his response and what it means to you. It's hard to share painful feelings about a T with a T, but it's quite often a useful thing in the therapy.
And yes, experiencing a "break" in the therapy relationship has sent me in a tailspin before. It's an awful feeling. I hope it passes soon for you.
gg
Posted by ClearSkies on May 2, 2006, at 15:16:43
In reply to T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:11:23
I had a T who did the same thing to me - double booked, or else would book an appointment with me and wouldn't be there. I told her that her time mis-management was personally insulting, and that she gave the impression that my time with her did not count. She gave me a puzzled look, then moved on to another discussion. *I* moved on to another T. One to whom my time is worthy.
ClearSkies
Posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 15:47:39
In reply to Re: T cancelled AGAIN!!! » fairywings, posted by one woman cine on May 2, 2006, at 13:46:34
Thanks OWC,
I am incredibly disappointed....very hurt, and you're right....that's what it is....there's no consistency - makes me feel like I don't matter. I hate so much that I ever got into this...I never imagined I'd ever feel so bad about a stupid canceled appt.! I never imagined feeling so dependent on a relationship....I hate it! Why did I ever get myself into this? It wouldn't matter to me if my dentist or gp canceled on me, why does it hurt so much that he cancelled on me?
I guess I shouldn't be so hard on him, I know things come up. He's a nice guy, but now every time I have an appt. I wonder if he's going to cancel. No, he's never given me advanced notice.....always had someone call the same day to cancel. I can understand when his father died...and the appts that were connected to that, but not when he overbooked. If I cancelled the same day....I'd have to pay.
I'm also really hurt because he couldn't even bother to call me back. I talked to his asst., and she said she'd have him call me, but I guess it's his policy not to call. I asked once before for him to call, and he didn't.....I know he's busy, and if he called every patient who asked, he'd spend all of his free time calling people....but he cancelled on me....not just once but 7 times!
Thanks for your email OWC. Feels good to be validated, and have some reality checking.
fw
Posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 16:02:13
In reply to Re: T cancelled AGAIN!!! » fairywings, posted by gardenergirl on May 2, 2006, at 13:59:09
Thanks GG,
I thought it wasn't normal to cancel that much....my pdoc has never cancelled on me in over a year, but I know that's probably unusual.
I'm positive the overbooking was an accident. He has appts. back to back, but doesn't overbook. It's hard to get in unless you book at least 3 weeks to a month in advance. It's good you understand how painful it is, and want to make so much effort to avoid it, I'm sure your patients appreciate your thoughtfulness.Not that my T isn't thoughtful, he's always given me his ear, and never rushed me. That's another reason why I'm so conflicted....I don't have any right to be mad at him. I just am so hurt I don't even want to face him again....my answer to avoiding all my feelings is to quit. I know it sounds so juvenile, but I feel like I don't matter, and I'll just be another dusty file in the back room, he'll never know I've decided not to come back, and that hurts so much. I feel like I can't even write him a note to tell him how I feel because I have absolutely no confidence he'll be the one to open it, if anyone else's prying eyes will see it, or if he'll even read it. He told me no one else reads the notes he gets, but if that's true his asst. wouldn't have known what note I was referring to, and she did - that makes me horribly uncomfortable!
Thanks GG, I'm glad you told me it even hurts for T's to have their appts. cancelled. Gives me some hope it will pass, I'll survive, just like everyone does.
I feel like I'm just full of hurt and self pity right now, and it does feel awful.
fw
Posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 20:31:23
In reply to Re: T cancelled AGAIN!!! » fairywings, posted by ClearSkies on May 2, 2006, at 15:16:43
>>She gave me a puzzled look, then moved on to another discussion.
OMGosh! That was totally clueless!
>>*I* moved on to another T. One to whom my time is worthy.
How long were you with her? Did it still hurt to move on?
I guess I'm being too hard on him. I make him sound heartless. I"m just really hurt because I really needed to talk to him tonight, so I felt really let down. He's always given me plenty of time, just like he does with all of his clients. I think maybe feeling so emotionally invested feels very threatening to me. I can't let down my guard and be vulnerable with anyone, so when I'm hurt it comes out as anger.
Now I don't want to face him...because I'm hurt and I know I won't be able to admit it, or access the feelings I'm having right now. I'm such an idiot!
Thanks CS...sorry you had such a crappy T. Glad you were able to move on.
fw
>
> ClearSkies
Posted by wishingstar on May 2, 2006, at 20:55:09
In reply to T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:11:23
fairywings, I dont think youre overreacting at all. And it is in no way overly dependent to expect to see your T when you are scheduled to (or to get upset if that does not happen). I think everyone else has made good comments, but I just wanted to add my agreement. For me, trust is a HUGE issue and I'd be very hurt and afraid if my T did that. So no, I dont think you're overreacting one bit. And honestly, I think its okay to have a temper tantrum over this (as long as you arent throwing things at your T!) Sometimes I think its okay to let the young part of ourselves out in those ways.. you know? However, I also dont think it necessairly means that he's a bad fit for you.. but it does sound like something that needs to be brought up to me. Maybe he doesnt realize how much it affects you? I often think my T doesnt really "get" how much her actions/words affect me, both positively and negatively.
I hope you're able to talk to him about this next time you see him. I know how hard it is when you're really looking forward to a therapy appt and something happens last minute.
I hope this makes sense.. I'm sort of on another planet tonight but just wanted to drop you a line.
Posted by muffled on May 2, 2006, at 22:53:36
In reply to T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:11:23
(((((((((((((((FW)))))))))))))))))
Your T may have his good points but he is also a complete *sshole.
7 Times!!!!!!!!!!! Thats nuts if you'll pardon the pun.
me and tamar need to come and pee on his car.
And no notice.
I think you should tell him that we all here at babble think he's a dink and needs to get his act together.
I would be SO way screwed up if my T did that.
He needs a good *ss kicking into reality.
Sorry if I ranted, but REALLY.....
You take good care FW and stand up for yourself.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on May 2, 2006, at 22:54:54
In reply to Re: T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by muffled on May 2, 2006, at 22:53:36
Posted by sleepygirl on May 2, 2006, at 23:04:35
In reply to T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:11:23
yeah...that's a lot of times, that'd upset me too
bring it up, it's important
sorry you're feeling bad :-(
Posted by ClearSkies on May 2, 2006, at 23:27:50
In reply to Re: T cancelled AGAIN!!! » ClearSkies, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 20:31:23
I went through 4 Ts in 6 months. The 1st one retired her practice, the 2nd one was the one with the time problem; also she never seemed to be able to grasp the issues I was struggling with. So leaving was a relief, except for (groan!!) having to start ALL OVER AGAIN with a new T. The 3rd one made inappropriate disclosures about her personal life, and encouraged me to join her church. I ran away quickly from her (and later found out that she'd even lost her license by the time I was seeing her!). The 4th one, for me, is a charm. We have the same expectations and she's excellent at reading my moods, often before I'm totally aware of them.
Each bad experience taught me more about what I wanted from a therapeutic relationship, and what didn't suit me at all. I think I'm pretty picky, and it has been important for me to learn that when a therapist is not working out well for me, I'm better off finding another one rather than twisting my head around to try to make an awkward fit better. Therapy *has* to be a safe place for me, especially when we're working on particularly triggering things.
I have to know that the person who is helping with my treatment has the same goals and standards that I do. For me that means - both of us showing up for appointments. Both of us being present for appointments (not the same thing, eh?). Both of us comfortable with asking for clarification from the other.
CS
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 3, 2006, at 10:10:32
In reply to Re: T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 16:02:13
I just want to say that I think you definitely have a right to be angry with your T, FW. What he is doing is not right and he, as a T, should know that better than anyone. I don't think you should excuse this behavior. I'm not saying you need to send him packing (that's for you to decide), but you should definitely let him know how hard this is for you and that he needs to figure out a way for it not to keep happening.
(((((((((((Fairywings))))))))))))
Posted by Poet on May 3, 2006, at 11:40:21
In reply to T cancelled AGAIN!!!, posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 13:11:23
Hi FW,
I don't think you are at fault. You definitely aren't stupid, weak or overly dependent. Your T is inconsiderate. Cancelling for a death in his family was understandable, cancelling five other times for no good reason? Unexcusable.
If my T overbooks, she gives the bumped client a free session. She hates it when it happens.
I wish you could find a T that treats you with the respect and care that you deserve. Maybe it is time to find someone new. You should be seeing someone who wants to work with you and doesn't say he didn't get a note that's right in front of his face. Argh. I'm sending him a cyber slap on the head.
Poet
Posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 14:07:49
In reply to Re: T cancelled AGAIN!!! » fairywings, posted by Poet on May 3, 2006, at 11:40:21
I never felt so much like I needed help and advice, and it makes me cry to know I could count on all of you to help me and validate me.
Wishing star...I have so much trouble with trust too, and bec. I feel like such a baby now....for throwing a temper tantrum, I know there's NO way I'd be able to admit to him how I feel...even though I also know it's exactly what I should admit! I'm not allowed to be vulnerable! And part of being a baby is knowing I'm just another #, I'll get filed away, and he'll go on...but I'll hurt. I hate the heavy investment in all of this! I know I need to go back...I know I need to be vulnerable..I know I need to let him see this side of me, but I don't think I can show my face in there now. I"ll just put up a wall, like I always do...because I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to stay, I want to go back, but I also want to distance myself and run away!!!!
His asst. did say the cancellation was an emergency, and I know there was a major thing that would have taken him away, and it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect it was something he wouldn't attend to....which is another reason I feel like such an idiot and don't want to face him.
No, I know he would NEVER imagine how this affected me, bec. it's SO out of character for me...this is ver much a part of the "real" me - a side he's never seen. A side no one has ever seen except my husband, and that was just recently.
Poet, thanks for the cyber slap - LOL That really picked me up! ; )
Muffy, thanks for making me feel validated.
CS, the thought of starting over is too much...I don't know how you did it 4 times!!! But I"m glad you found your T.
TG, I wish he knew how hurtful it was to me, even though I know, rationally he wouldn't have cancelled yesterday if it wasn't really an emergency. I know it's so juvenile of me to throw a fit...even though he doesn't know I threw a fit. I just can't go in there and let him know there's this side of me, even though that would be the best thing for me to do! I wish I didn't care, I wish his opinion didn't matter, I wish I didn't feel so invested, I wish I'd never let him "in"!
SleepyG, Thanks....I don't want to go back, I don't want to quit, I hate it all , it hurts too much either way!GG: if you're still reading this.....what would you do with someone like me....I"m so afraid to go back and have my little temper tantrum, or show my face, or admit this is how I really feel. All of this hurt has come out as anger before.....I still don't want to show the vulnerability. I'm so afraid I'll just feel worse if I let down my guard!!! And MOSTLY I"m afraid that he doesn't care about me....I'm just another client. Rationally I know that's the way it is, and that's the way it has to be, but I don't want to feel so insignificant and unimportant. (and I hate it that I can't put it in writing and send it to him bec. now I know his freaking asst. will read it and know what an idiot I am!!!) G**! Where did all of THIS come from!!!!???
Thanks for the cyber hugs!
Thanks so much for making me THINK....and put this in words. Sorry to drone on and on and on....
fw
This is the end of the thread.
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