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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 16:10:27
I saw him when I came into the gym, he didn't see me yet. But I avoided looking at him the whole time. Normally when we see each other we make a point to say hi, and it is nice.
So I didn't make eye contact with him at all. I feel kinda of bad, but I have too much on my mind and I didn't want him to look at me or I would have lost it. Plus I was angry, maybe not at him, maybe at myself for my stupid nieve thoughts about him and our relationship.
I just didn't want to be "nice" to him today.
So do you think my T is pissed at me now?
Posted by caraher on May 1, 2006, at 17:01:06
In reply to I couldn't look at my T today, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 16:10:27
I doubt he's pissed... he must understand that we all have our ups and downs and knows better than to take offense.
Posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 17:21:54
In reply to I couldn't look at my T today, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 16:10:27
in my marriage. My DH nows wants to be a husband in every way but without talking about what he has done to me over the last year.
He tried to make the moves on me this weekend while I was sleeping. He started to kiss me and I woke up and I thought I could do it, but I couldn't, I don't feel anything torwards him anymore but hurt and disgust. I went down stairs crying and sleep on the sofa. I told him to never do that again, told him he needed therapy, and a condom too. He has avoided me since then.
I guess his affair is over, he has been home a lot more than he has over the past year. But how can he just pretend like everything is okay and try to have sex with me? It is the last thing I want right now.So this is part of why I don't want to look at my T today. I feel like a loaded gun. I can't talk to him except for my session. So he isn't my friend, so why should I even try to be nice to him and say hi? He doesn't care about my life except for the 50 min. I pay him to listen. So why bother say hi? He isn't my friend, he isn't my friend, he isn't my friend. I am thinking very seriously about cancelling my appointment this week. I am sick of therapy and sick of him. Actually I am thinking about quitting totally.
You know it kinda pisses me off that he talks about his life, things that have nothing to do with me. Like concerts he goes too. What does that have to do with me and my therapy? It seems like he is using the hour to talk about himself and his life too much. Because the day after the concert, if I see him I want to ask him about it, but I can't because we are not in his office, and we can't have a social relationship, so why does he tell me this stuff? I am beginning to resent what I thought was him treating me special and telling me about his life. But yet it hurts because it can't be that way outside of therapy. But yet I really do like talking to him because we have so much in common and I really like him. Well therapy should be about me not him. I shouldn't know these things about him, if I didn't then it wouldn't hurt me when I want to talk about it outside of therapy, but can't. So I am angry at him for doing this to me, almost suducing me because he acts so social in the session like friends. But the thing is it should be more about me than a give and take of a friendship. He is using me for whatever reasons, but yet puts the reins on when I want more, or at least what he is getting from me. I feel so confused about everything.
Posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 17:25:25
In reply to I guess a part of it could be because of a change, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 17:21:54
Posted by Karolina on May 1, 2006, at 17:49:59
In reply to I couldn't look at my T today, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 16:10:27
If you managed to avoid eye contact with him, but he saw you at a distance - then I think maybe he would assume just as you said, that you just have a lot on your mind or was distracted. But if he was around you a whole lot while you were there but you just kept looking at the ground while he was near by, then yea maybe he would wonder if you were feeling okay, since you do usually talk to each other. I don't think he would take it personal.
When I saw my T out in public one day, he had seen me walking into the place and he was like right there, and all I did was give him an icy stare. I didn't even mean to, I think it just freaked me out to see him somewhere other than his office. But we definitely exchanged eye contact and the next time we met for our appointment, he acted really hurt and kept looking at me like the way I had looked at him that day, kind of like giving that icy stare back, until I brought it up. We talked it out and his whole mood seemed to change. He explained that it was 'ok' to say hi to each other in public and I felt better. So that's good you at least didn't glare at him or look at him without saying hi (THEN maybe, he'd take it personal, like mine did) but just avoiding all contact was what I would have done too.
I understand how sometimes it's like all the baggage and feelings that come with the therapy can seem exhausting. Like you just don't want to deal with it/think about it some days. Maybe avoiding contact with him was your unconscious way of justifying the situation. Like maybe you were frustrated that you spend energy and time thinking about the relationship when you think that he doesn't care as much about it, so you didn't want to give him the satisfaction today of trying to be 'nice' or make the effort to say hi. I could be wrong, sorry I don't know if this helps!
-Karolina-
Posted by orchid on May 1, 2006, at 17:53:01
In reply to I couldn't look at my T today, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 16:10:27
I am sorry it is so painful for you.
Your T was wrong from the beginning to let you in too much. He should have really kept his boundaries intact and high, and not let himself slide it whenever and wherever he wishes and push it back up whenever and wherever he chooses. It was his job to realize how it would make you feel and stop that from happening. It sounded a warning bell to me even 6 months back I think. And it is sad to see it taking its toll on you.
I don't honestly know if it is possible to revert the effects now. If he starts keeping a very hight boundary now, you would feel rejected and punished and hurt more.
I really don't know what the right solution is now. I think since he started slacking it off, he should continue with that, and be kind of warm and friendly with you everywhere, and at the same time, work on focussing on your therapy more and help you grow. That probably would make you feel good, and will help you in your growth, and you might be able to accept one day that you really cared about each other, and will help you move on. In short, if he starts pushing the boundaries now back, it would hurt you even more I think.
As to the situation with your husband. I think it is normal to feel repulsive when they start to come around. And it is very understandable that you are mad at him, and want a sincere apology and honest answers from him before you relent.
But many men do not apologize, and neither do they feel the need to. I think they think if they start acting differently, it is enough, and don't see the necessity for apology. However, if it is not enough for you, I think you should stand up to your convictions, and ask him to talk to you about what happened, and stick to seeing a marital counsellor. I think it will end up helping your marriage in the long run. Don't give in and have sex, because then he will never learn and he might repeat the behavior.
Posted by Karolina on May 1, 2006, at 17:58:01
In reply to I guess a part of it could be because of a change, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 17:21:54
I would tell him all that...explain your frustration with him confusing you, about where his boundaries are exactly. Maybe being upfront and assertive and explain (in a nicer way but basically) - 'Look, this is MY time, not your's'.
I don't see anything wrong with talking about how you don't know what he really wants, how it kind of feels like a 'tease'..."be my friend in therapy, hear about my life" then "but I can't talk to you openly in public like a friend, it's strictly a therapeutic relationship and can never be anything beyond that"...that's not fair to you!!
Posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 18:03:42
In reply to Re: I couldn't look at my T today, posted by Karolina on May 1, 2006, at 17:49:59
Well I was doing some physical therapy exercises in the basketball court, while he was jogging around ( the indoor track goes around the court and workout room.) So he probably passed me 10 times and then I was at the checkout desk talking to one of the girls when he left and I didn't look at him. I guess for me, normally I am friendly and open, but I was being a jerk.
After the weekend I had, sometimes you don't want to see your T when you are trying to work out your stress especially since they can't be social to you in public. I guess I should take out my stress somewhere else other than the gym or my T might end up with a basketball where the sun doesn't shine.
Posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 18:10:06
In reply to Re: I couldn't look at my T today » happyflower, posted by orchid on May 1, 2006, at 17:53:01
Thats why I feel like quiting right now. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
It really hurts because I feel unlike most theraputic relationships, I feel I do know him and I really like him.I do know more than his good sides, believe me. He has also helped me so much but now I am feeling hurt. Now I just want to avoid him, but that hurts too. Seeing him will hurt too.
Posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 18:11:54
In reply to Re: I guess a part of it could be because of a change, posted by Karolina on May 1, 2006, at 17:58:01
Karolina,
You are right one target about how I feel. Maybe I should take your post in because you say it better than me.
Yes it is a tease and I have fell for it. Thank you so much!
Posted by madeline on May 1, 2006, at 20:37:50
In reply to I guess a part of it could be because of a change, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 17:21:54
I didn't know your husband had an affair. I'm so sorry. Humph!
There is a species of chimpanzee called the Bonobo chimps. These particular chimps have a lot of the same traits as human males, most notably, they like to have sex in order to re-establish intimacy in the hoarde. Human males seem to carry this particular trait, whereas human females require intimacy in order to have sex. A generalization, sure. But sometimes, you have just have to recognize the chimp-like behaviour in the males of our species too. However, he hurt you, you call the shots.
Now, does bonobo chimp behaviour apply to your therapist as well? Absolutely! Bonobo chimps, can become very excited when an attractive, outgoing female chimp is around. They will do somersaults, yell and scream and do all sorts of shenanigans to get her attention. It seems as though the more they forget themselves and their place in the hoarde, the more attractive the female chimps find the males. I see a direct correlation in your therapist's behaviour. Of course he likes you happyflower, probably a lot. Like the chimp, however, he may have forgotten his place in the hoarde altogether. A gently "whack about the head" with the proverbial termite stick should bring him back in line.
Express your anger toward him, I think he has it coming.
Also, I feel like a good cry too. I might just bawl all night. We can cry together.
maddie
Posted by happyflower on May 2, 2006, at 17:43:00
In reply to Chimpanzees, husbands and therapy - oh my!, posted by madeline on May 1, 2006, at 20:37:50
Thanks Maddie,
You know I had to stop crying because I was laughing so hard at what you said, I laughed so hard, I began crying again, but because it was so funny.
I love the part of GENTLY wacking him with a termite stick!
I have deceided to confront him about this. It will be hard because it isn't what I want or feel, I do enjoy him confiding in me, and like him very much. But since he set the boundries that we can't be friends, I want him to stop because it is too hurtful not to be that way in public. I need to say this, but I was kinda hoping like what Orhid said, that since he has already blured that line, why not just be friendly in public. Why should I treat him differently than anyone else in the gym? It seems to me there should be a compromise we could make since our situation is very unique, especially after therapy. For the last 10 months since I started working out at the gym, not once did I try to "do" therapy in public , I kept my distance other than to say hi, which is okay with him. It seems like he can trust my judgement in this a little more. Thursday will be tough, I have so much to talk about and I am afraid I will just sit there not being able to say anything.
Posted by Karolina on May 2, 2006, at 22:27:43
In reply to Re: I guess a part of it could be because of a change » Karolina, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 18:11:54
I'm glad I could help = )
Hope everything goes well
-Karolina-
Posted by muffled on May 2, 2006, at 22:39:43
In reply to Re: I guess a part of it could be because of a change, posted by Karolina on May 2, 2006, at 22:27:43
Sorry you a sadflower right now :-(
This is the end of the thread.
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