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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by starloree on April 25, 2006, at 15:34:05
that is the exact word my T used. let me explain:
the reason i started going to therapy is cause i was always yelling at my husband over little things. i have never yelled at anyone else in my life, it started when i got married, i found out later how ill suited we are for each other, we are seperated right now. anyways so, in the beginning, i would be upset with something my hubby did, then ASK him (not yell) to do it differently, or to DO it, or NOT do it, whatever it was. i would ask him nicely. but then, he usually ended up doing it again and again, not maliciously, never (husband is one of those "toosweet" guys, not a mean bone in his body), but he has a weird memory problem we don't know and can't afford to find out. so after awhile of him forgetting, i would have to keep on asking him over and over and again!!!!!it got annoying, so i started yelling at him, then after a while, started yelling at ALL the small things he did that bothered me. that is why i started therapy, it was getting out of hand. and my T, whom i have been infatuated with for the past two months or so (well, less so since he finally answered a few questions, is he gay, married or have a gfriend, and if he found me attractive, he has answered them, and haven't been as obsessive lately :) ). anyways so we were talking this past monday and he said something like "well, can you see how RIDICULOUS these things are??" i was so upset. when i get angry though, i cry, so i tried not to cry, but he could tell i was upset with that remark, but i was pissed off. how can he know exactly how it feels to have to always repeat yourself, to constantly have to tell your husband, who is nothing more than a CHILD, the things that he SHOULD know, that are common sense things? the main reason i have a problem dealing with hubby's memory (personality?) is because i grew up in household where my feelings were always denied or shunned. i wans't listened to ever at my home. and his memory prob makes me feel not listened to. and my T knows this, i TOLD him this. and here he goes, and tells me these things are RIDICULOUS!!!!!! i know his intention wasn't to make me feel like this, and he IS a grad student, so i shouldn't automatically think he would know better, but there i go!
thank you for all who read this, i just needed to let it out, can't talk to him til next monday, and by then, maybe i won't find it as important to talk about, plus we are going to start working on some DBT/ACT/and other stuff like mindfulness, we are doing a little bit of everything.
thanks again
starloree
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 16:50:18
In reply to Ridiculous, posted by starloree on April 25, 2006, at 15:34:05
Hi Starloree,
Do you think he might have been testing you? He wanted to make you made to see how you would respond? I could be wrong though.
My DH drives me crazy. I thought the lack of common sense was because he is Polish and you know all the old jokes, right? Well I don't know how someone so intelligent (book smarts) can be soooo dumb when it comes to the most simplist things. I admit I lose my temper too, when he either hasn't listened to me and does somthing stupid or just being plain dumb when it comes to things.
Soooo if you don't mind, what did your T say to your questions? It seemed to have helped your attraction.
Posted by starloree on April 25, 2006, at 17:20:12
In reply to Re: Ridiculous » starloree, posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 16:50:18
Well, he told me that he wasn't gay, wasn't married and didn't have a girlfriend. see, he is only about a year and half older than me, from what i gathered, is a grad student at my university. and also, he did tell me that he found me attractive. because i had told him in previous sessions that that question also weighed heavily on my mind, if he found me attractive, cause the guys i like usually end up not finding me attractive,or they are unnattainable (as is abvious in this situation!) and i told him, during the session i got my answers, that usually when i had a crush in high school, at least i found out the answers to my questions, i could ask around, to see if anyone knew if my crush had a gfriend or not, and you usually always found out in high school (which was quite a few years ago for me, seeing as how i am 23 now) if your crush thought you were cute or thought you were disgusting (and i used that word disgusting when telling my T) and he said, after he answered my other questions "and i don't find you disgusting, i DO find you attractive..." and then i said, well that's good to hear! and then he smiled and shook his head and said "well, no..." and i told him i knew nothing could happen,so i wasn't getting my hopes up. but i have found a certain peace since he answered my questions. although i do think of him still, and still want to hang out with him outside the office, hold his hand (they look so beautiful, i tell you!), and kiss his cute lips which look exactly my size....i don't think of it as much as i used to, it used to TORMENT me.
hope that answers some questions. :)
starloree
Posted by Racer on April 25, 2006, at 18:59:42
In reply to Re: Ridiculous, posted by starloree on April 25, 2006, at 17:20:12
And I could easily be wrong.
Could he have been trying to redirect you from the specific to the general? For instance, in one marriage counseling session, my husband and I managed to get bogged down about how he set the table for breakfast! It was a flash point for me, and it drove me crazy that he didn't pay any attention, didn't care, etc. And the whole time our MC and my husband were talking about that, I was sitting there seething, and thinking -- "there's a larger issue here..." After all, in the larger scheme of things, it probably doesn't really matter whether the knife blade faces the plate or not, or if the fork is on the right. But what does matter, is that I feel as though someone hears me when I speak. (Obviously, same goes for my husband. And I do try to listen to him.)
So, that would be my question. Could you have been so focussed on the specific issue you were discussing that you couldn't see the larger, more general issue(s) involved?
Hope that helps.
Posted by starloree on April 25, 2006, at 19:40:24
In reply to Here's my take on it... » starloree, posted by Racer on April 25, 2006, at 18:59:42
>the main reason i have a problem dealing with hubby's memory (personality?) is because i grew up in household where my feelings were always denied or shunned. i wans't listened to ever at my home. and his memory prob makes me feel not listened to.
that's from my post above, so yes, the issue is not being listened to, as i said. also, it wasn't only the small things i yelled at my husband about. an example of one of those moments where it wasn't a small thing is when my husband went snowmobiling (christmas day) with MY WALLET in his back pocket. it is a clunky, big wallet. not hard to miss. he went snowmobiling with it, and of course, lost it. I HAD TO FIX THE WHOLE SITUATION, because he has no sense of accomplishing things, getting things DONE, i have to take care of everything. he makes the money, sure, but i do everything else. so if i ask him to do something, i would put my faith in him to do it right, and of course, every time i put my complete faith in him, he let me down, he always needed me to take care of it. i don't want a child, i want a man, one who can think for himself. sorry i am going off on a rant again!!! i have no one to talk to but T, so i talk as much as i can, gievn the right opportunity!
thanks!
starloree
Posted by madeline on April 26, 2006, at 6:26:55
In reply to Re: Here's my take on it..., posted by starloree on April 25, 2006, at 19:40:24
When I first started going to my T, all I wanted to do was sit there and talk about how much I hated men. I would get sooooo mad at my T for not agreeing with me, but he never did.
I wanted him to say that yes, men are pigs and that I was an amazing generous person for putting up with these foul beasts that had hurt me over and over again. But not once did he say anything along those lines.
I would tell him that he was supposed to validate everything I thought and felt and make it okay. But he never did.
And he was right. Men were not the problem, the way my history caused me to view men was the problem and THAT's what needed to be worked on.
It sounds as though your husband's behavior is triggering some very old feelings that you have, and these old feelings are probably what you need to work on.
I learned that by simply trying to rally support that men were awful, or, in your case, that your husband is awful, really doesn't solve the problem. It would have made me feel vindicated, yes, but I would have felt "right" and still have all of the issues I had.
It sounds to me that your therapist is trying to move you toward dealing with your root issues and not the way they are manifesting in your relationship with your husband. For me, it was best to let my T help me make that move.
That being said, I probably would have been irked at the whole wallet thing myself. Getting all that sorted out is SUCH a pain.
Posted by Racer on April 26, 2006, at 10:59:42
In reply to Re: Here's my take on it..., posted by starloree on April 25, 2006, at 19:40:24
I can see that the wallet thing would be infuriating -- and I have a fried PC waiting for me to get fixed courtesy of my husband, so I *do* understand -- but did you notice that you got very worked up in telling about these things? And you only responded to the part of my post that relates most directly to your husband?
That might be what your T is trying to help redirect you away from. Both the holding on to the anger, and the focus on what your husband is doing/not doing.
Here's the thing: you can't do anything to change your husband's behavior. All you can do is work on your own response to it, and improving your coping skills so that you don't get so upset by it.
And while you may not believe it now, it does make a difference. My husband is working on his station behind me right now, and it feels so nice to have him so close to me. His memory hasn't improved, he's still quite oblivious in many ways, but I've learned a lot about coping with him. Mostly, not to expect certain things from him, and that anything that really matters to me has to be up to me. It's hard, sometimes, because I wish someone would do some things for me (like making me Jell-O after I had surgery last month), but it just ain't likely to happen with him. And, once I accepted that, and stopped trying to make him live up to expectations that were totally foreign to his nature, I got much happier, and fell in love with him all over again.
Which doesn't mean I don't wish he would vacuum...
Anyway, I'd bet that the energy you put into being upset about your husband just in the time it took to write that post would be enough energy to fuel your studying for your next final. Maybe your T is trying to help you refocus that energy away from what you can't do anything about (ie: your husband's behavior), and towards something that you can (ie: your coping strategies).
This is the end of the thread.
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