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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 14:18:34
thing to deal with? I saw him again today and we just look at each other, it is like we can't keep our eyes off each other.
I am so torn, it is so nice to see him, but yet is is hard, because it is a reminder of what I can't have.
It is like he is saying the right things, but yet his actions don't always say the same thing. I believe he is giving me mixed signals, like everyone else has said.
I even came to the gym later today than normal so I don't run into him. Well don't ya know it he is coming in late today.
Now he is running the same race as me, it is getting weird. I just want to say F*ck those rules of yours, you say them but you don't mean them! Sorry for my vents lately, I am just really stuggling with my relationship with him. Why does thing have to be so complicated, why can't things just be as they are ?
I hate this. ***&&&%%%$$$$$$$$$
Posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 14:25:48
In reply to Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest, posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 14:18:34
Posted by daisym on April 24, 2006, at 17:27:36
In reply to Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest, posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 14:18:34
Sometimes I hate it too. I think if you really think you are getting mixed signals, bring it up. Because often talking it through either makes the feelings more OK, or helps them dissipate. I have a hard time charging in and doing this, but eventually I'll let my therapist know I have a question about something. And he might be surprised at how I've taken something, or might own up to it, and explain why he did X or Y or Z.
In my own head, I think these feelings make it harder to live with someone who doesn't respond to you in the way you need. It makes you super lonely to be aware that you need caring for and your SO doesn't/can't do it. I think loving your therapist in a deep, special way is different than lusting after them. Lust doesn't hurt. But the awareness of how deep you can feel for someone "you can't have" does. It hurts a lot.
Eventually you have to figure out how to channel the feelings and the needs elsewhere. And yet preserve the deep connection of the therapy relationship for support and safety. It is tricky and I haven't figure it out yet.
Mostly I just wanted to say, "I agree: X@##$^&*(#$!"
Posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:15:51
In reply to Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest, posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 14:18:34
I think Daisy's post was right. We can feel the possiblities in the therapy room, how conversations can go, how the other person respect's our point-of-view, how they respond when we're angry, etc. etc.
And from those experiences, we can begin to generalize in real life settings. We can raise the bar of our expectations, how we want our loved ones to treat us, respond to us, meet our needs.
It's painful. It's takes a really long time. And in the process, we feel so vulnerable, so naked with our ugliness, that it scares us to death. During all the those uncomfortable moments, we realize our T's are still listening, still comforting us, that we are indeed worth more. In the end, because I always like happy endings, our core self changes. It's healthier.
Posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 18:45:22
In reply to Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest, posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 14:18:34
One thing which I did which might be of help, is to try to get deep into your feelings. And see if they are there for a reason, other than the obvious ones of genuine liking and appreciation for a person who helps you and who seems to share so much in common with you and who seems to like you.
In my case, it turned out to be related to my relationship with my dad quite a lot. And that piece of information was THE REAL BIG help in moving on (atleast to a good extent). Whatever I felt, I found out that the real root of every feeling was the sense of needing approval from an authority figure, and every other feeling I felt when dug deep down boiled to it. If you can possibly identify a deep down need in yourself which your therapist is satisfying for you, I think you can work from that point.
And on the side, I do think as others here, that your therapist is sending you lot of mixed signals, and am worried that it will hurt you in the long run. Maybe he isn't really aware of it, or doesn't know how to control his emotions, but I think nevertheless, mixed signals always end up hurting the patient the most irrespective of any feelings on the part of the therapist. And I think you should bring it up to him now, to prevent yourself from getting hurt in the long run.
I don't know if you will approve of this kind of suggestion. And am worried if you might think of this as a form of disapproval. But it isn't. I am telling you what I did to recover having been in the same boat and from what I think would really help you.
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 8:21:19
In reply to Re: Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest » happyflower, posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 18:45:22
> One thing which I did which might be of help, is to try to get deep into your feelings. And see if they are there for a reason, other than the obvious ones >
I haven't come up with anything yet, I have dug deep down, nothing has come to me. All I know is that I felt something for him when I first met him, a feeling I have only felt for grandma, and an old friend who died after HS. It is a deep feeling that I feel that goes all through me. It is like he is inside of my being. This was before I even knew anything about him.
I think my T is sending me mixed signal or maybe I am reading him wrong, I am not sure which one yet. But I know I do need to talk to him about it. It is hard because our lives are getting so intertwined with each other and with other people. So it isn't a cut and dry situation, nor is it a normal T and client situation. But I know I could get hurt, so I am trying to be careful. Thanks Orchid for your advice.
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 8:23:04
In reply to Re: Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest » happyflower, posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:15:51
Thanks Annie,
I am trying to get the point you talked about , it is so hard and feels like such a long journey.
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 8:29:55
In reply to Re: Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest » happyflower, posted by daisym on April 24, 2006, at 17:27:36
> Sometimes I hate it too. I think if you really think you are getting mixed signals, bring it up. Because often talking it through either makes the feelings more OK, or helps them dissipate.
I know you understand, Daisy, probably more than most. I know I need to talk about this, but it will be so hard, and a big risk of getting hurt. But then again, I am feeling hurt anyways.> In my own head, I think these feelings make it harder to live with someone who doesn't respond to you in the way you need. It makes you super lonely to be aware that you need caring for and your SO doesn't/can't do it. I think loving your therapist in a deep, special way is different than lusting after them. Lust doesn't hurt. But the awareness of how deep you can feel for someone "you can't have" does. It hurts a lot.
I think you said everything right there! I KNOW you know what I am going through, just from reading that paragraph.
> Eventually you have to figure out how to channel the feelings and the needs elsewhere. And yet preserve the deep connection of the therapy relationship for support and safety. It is tricky and I haven't figure it out yet.Me either, let me know if you figure it out.
I am really grateful for you to help me even when you are going through a hell bigger than mine at the moment. Thank you so much.
> Mostly I just wanted to say, "I agree: X@##$^&*(#$!"Thank you for that! LOL
Posted by gardenergirl on April 25, 2006, at 8:36:20
In reply to Re: Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest » orchid, posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 8:21:19
> All I know is that I felt something for him when I first met him, a feeling I have only felt for grandma, and an old friend who died after HS. It is a deep feeling that I feel that goes all through me. It is like he is inside of my being. This was before I even knew anything about him.
My T has said many times before that one unconscious speaks to another. Taking that a bit further, I wonder if one unconscious can "recognize" something in another that connects them, even if consciously you can't identify it. Some might say it was souls connecting or even re-connecting. I'm not sure if I believe the re-connecting part, but I do relate to that feeling you describe of knowing someone without having gotten to know them.
The tough part is that this seems to make your therapy relationship confusing. It's nice to feel so connected with someone, but toss into the mix all the potential feelings, needs, wishes, etc. of a therapy relationship, and no wonder you feel confused.
Not that I have any solutions for you. Just empathy--and a hope that you don't get hurt.
Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 25, 2006, at 8:38:59
In reply to Re: Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest » happyflower, posted by daisym on April 24, 2006, at 17:27:36
> I think loving your therapist in a deep, special way is different than lusting after them. Lust doesn't hurt. But the awareness of how deep you can feel for someone "you can't have" does. It hurts a lot.
>I'm still seriously running away from awareness that I care for my T. I just don't want to face it, because I don't want it to hurt so much when I terminate. Of course he said my telling him this means I am facing it. Bah.
I don't want to.
gg
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 9:29:56
In reply to Re: Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest » happyflower, posted by gardenergirl on April 25, 2006, at 8:36:20
Some might say it was souls connecting or even re-connecting. I'm not sure if I believe the re-connecting part, but I do relate to that feeling you describe of knowing someone without having gotten to know them.
Wow! Thank you so much for putting my feelings into words! I am glad you know what I am talking about. And yes, it makes my relationship with my T confusing. I don't know what to do either, and I hope I don't get hurt more. Thanks for the empathay ( i can't spell)
Happyflower
>
Posted by orchid on April 25, 2006, at 14:44:45
In reply to Re: Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest » orchid, posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 8:21:19
I think you should tell him everything right now before it is too late. And ask him what he means and ask him to help you out with your feelings for you right now.
I think you are perhaps afraid of his reaction and are afraid that he might terminate you if he knew the full extent of your feelings, and are perhaps keeping a good part of it to yourself and are letting him see only the tip of the iceberg. But postponing it would hurt you IMHO.
Sooner or later, he might decide you have worked out everything you could, and are simply hanging in there because of your feelings, and he might decide to terminate. Also he could feel conflicted himself, if he is keeping you there to satisfy his desires, and he could end up terminating you. And it simply could get out of hand for himself and he may not know how to deal with it other than termination.
And once termination comes into picture, the chance of working out on your feelings for him diminishes greatly. He may not be so responsive later on to your feelings when he starts thinking of termination. And it will be hard for you to end up with unresolved and unworked on feelings.
I don't know if he would even do that, but I am simply saying from my experience. IT is better to let your T know the full extent of your conflict about this now than later, so that he can do something about it when you still are working together.
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 17:03:35
In reply to Re: Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest » happyflower, posted by orchid on April 25, 2006, at 14:44:45
Hi Orchid,
I know you haven't been around the boards for awhile, but I just did that a couple of months ago. I told him about my soul mate feeling and also about how I want a relationship with him after therapy.
What is interesting is that it has deepened our relationship but I think on both sides not just my feelings.
We are really getting into the nitty gritty of my emotions that I have had all my life, so I know and he knows that I am not ready to terminate. I guess you could say that we are in a very important part of therapy. The part that has taken me over a year, for me to share with him. He has even told me what I still need help with so we are not done yet.
I don't want to see anyone else, not after I have come so far , and I trust him more than anyone at the moment, he is and has helped me so much. We do great work together in spite of our feelings for each other. But I am sure our feelings will come to head eventually. I don't think he will hurt me intentionally, but I might get hurt not having him in my life after therapy, which will hurt no matter what. So I just need to plug away and I will get to everything when the time is right. I don't know if I am making much sense.
Thanks Orchid.
Posted by Tamar on April 25, 2006, at 21:15:16
In reply to Why is the T relationship sometimes the hardest, posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 14:18:34
Hey Happyflower,
I haven’t read the whole thread… I’m supposed to be doing something else… But I can relate to wanting to say f*ck the rules.
I suppose he’d say the rules are there to keep you safe… which sucks. I sometimes want to tell my therapist that I have my own rules to keep me safe; I don’t need his boundaries to protect me.
On the other hand… you do have his undivided and focused attention for an hour when you see him. I bet even his wife doesn’t get as much as that. Maybe she sits at home wishing she could be one of his clients just to be able to get his full attention. It’s impossible to sustain that intensity for long in any relationship.
I’d like to institute a National F*ck The Rules Day, in which we get to hug them and go for walks with them. Or, even better, I’d like to devise a whole new psychotherapeutic theory in which the aim of therapy is to develop a personal relationship between therapist and client. I guess then therapists would have to survive on welfare because pretty soon they’d be spending all their time with their new friends and they wouldn’t have time to do any paid work… But I think it’s possible to find practical solutions to these difficulties…
Gotta go check out that flying pig…
Tamar
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