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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by madeline on April 23, 2006, at 9:35:28
Daisy,
I just read about you and your husband and just wanted to send my support and love. I know this was a tough decision, and I am here for you if you need to talk.
Just post or babblemail.
Take really good care of yourself right now. You are in my thoughts. I genuinely hope the best for you.
Love
Maddie
Posted by antigua on April 23, 2006, at 9:45:03
In reply to Daisym, I'm thinking about you., posted by madeline on April 23, 2006, at 9:35:28
If you need to talk, you know we are here.
Best,
antigua
Posted by happyflower on April 23, 2006, at 11:01:25
In reply to Re: Daisym, I'm thinking about you, too, posted by antigua on April 23, 2006, at 9:45:03
(((((((Daisy)))))))) You are so strong to do what you did, I wish I had that strenght to do what you have done.
Posted by milly on April 23, 2006, at 15:56:45
In reply to Daisym, I'm thinking about you., posted by madeline on April 23, 2006, at 9:35:28
Posted by Poet on April 24, 2006, at 8:50:31
In reply to Daisym, I'm thinking about you., posted by madeline on April 23, 2006, at 9:35:28
Hi Daisy,
I know you hate hearing how strong you are, but darn it, Daisy, you have so much strength and courage that I will risk a hard slap through cyber space for reminding you of it.
Take care. Please let us know how you're doing.
((((Daisy))))
Poet
Posted by LadyBug on April 24, 2006, at 14:48:53
In reply to Daisym, I'm thinking about you., posted by madeline on April 23, 2006, at 9:35:28
Daisym,
I hope we hear from you soon. It must have taken a lot of courage for you to leave. Does your T know? I know he can help you sort through this. Do you plan on going back? Or have you had enough. I'm in the same boat right now. Been married almost 22 years, been together for 24 years. It's a hard decision, but we all deserve to be happy! So I'm wishing you the best!!! Let us know how you are doing!
LadyBug
Posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 17:08:43
In reply to Re: (((((Daisym))))), I'm thinking about you., posted by LadyBug on April 24, 2006, at 14:48:53
Maybe you and me can also leave our husbands and we all can move in together. Perfect match,perfect garden, Daisy, Ladybug, and Happyflower!
But I don't know where we will live because I have a feeling we don't live close , and I don't know who would want to leave their T's and move.I don't mean to make light of the situation, I just wish I had the guts to do what Daisy did. My DH is worse than slugs, he is slug sh*t! (maybe not even that good)
Posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:22:25
In reply to Lets live together in a perfect gardenw/o DH slugs » LadyBug, posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 17:08:43
There is obviously a long story here but it is too hard to tell. The hard part is sorting out what all the motivators were/are. Would I have done this if I hadn't worked so much on myself in therapy? I think all the slow, little gains just came together and I realized as we entered into the ten year old fight that I was done. I didn't need to be there for the fight to happen. We could have taped it and just listened. So I said we needed a break. He agreed. But then I found a place, and made plans to move and he freaked out. I mean, freaked out! Tears, the whole bit. He didn't really "mean it." And he is so, so sad. And confused.
Me too. It feels like someone died. My therapist said gently today that essentially someone did. I did -- the old me that would put up with anything, do anything to keep the peace and maintain an equalibrium that was impossible without gravity boots. I had to save myself. He reminded me that way back when I first went into therapy I described my marriage as the two of us in separate swimming pools, drowning slowly side-by-side, neither able to save the other but I was trying like hell to throw my husband a rope. Today my therapist said I've let go of the rope out of sheer exhaustion. So now I have to tread water until I can actually pull myself out of the pool. But I only have to save me, so it feels a tiny bit like it might be possible.
In therapy we've talked a lot about how one of my biggest jobs is to give up saving my husband and let him do that for himself. It leaves a hole a mile wide and I honestly don't know how to not feel guilty about all of this. So, for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time, though sometimes it's more like an hour at a time.
My therapist tells me I can lean on him as much as I need to. Yet I didn't call him at all this weekend, or talk to him on Friday. He doesn't want me to close up and run away from my feelings. But it hurts to much right now to open up to any help or empathy. As I type this, the tears feel close. But somehow, I don't think I deserve to shed them. I did this. I chose this. So what am I crying about?
Posted by antigua on April 25, 2006, at 7:29:50
In reply to Thanks All., posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:22:25
Is your son with you?
antigua
Posted by antigua on April 25, 2006, at 7:43:55
In reply to Thanks All., posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:22:25
Ignore my previous message. That was personal and I shouldn't have asked it.
best,
antigua
Posted by fallsfall on April 25, 2006, at 7:57:32
In reply to Thanks All., posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:22:25
Yes, you chose this. But that doesn't mean that it isn't sad. Losing a marriage is sad, no matter how you feel about the marriage. You will need to grieve the loss of your marriage. It is OK to do that.
I know how hard it is to stop being responsible for someone who you have propped up for years. All I can say is that it has gotten easier for me over the years. And I'm glad I did it.
You sound like you are afraid to let yourself feel what you are feeling. Sounds like you are saying "I'm afraid to cry because I'm afraid I'll never be able to stop". You will stop. And then you'll cry again. but eventually it will get better.
I truly believe that this was a good decision for you. Lean on me.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 25, 2006, at 8:30:48
In reply to Thanks All., posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:22:25
Daisy,
It wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't care about your husband. You obviously do care or you wouldn't have tried so hard to save him. But you are right, he has to save himself. Sound familiar? I remember you posting something recently about how ultimately, you had to heal yourself. Actually, this might be the greatest gift you can give your husband--the freedom to take responsibility for himself. Not that you were holding him back. But placing the responsbility for himself squarely in his hands puts it where it belongs, whether he wants it or not.I'm sure this is going to be a mixed bag of intense emotions. It's okay to cry, to rage, to feel excited, to feel anxious, to feel happy, to feel loss, to feel whatever comes up. It's part of who you are. It's a complex thing. Of course, I imagine it might also be draining, so please take care of yourself.
I'm glad you are looking to us for some support and that you have your T.
Love,
gg
Posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 14:11:22
In reply to Thanks All., posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:22:25
You're crying because it is a loss of the hopes of having a good marriage. The marriage might have been lost a long time ago, but the hope wasn't lost until you left.
Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the hope of a good marriage. Hope is a very sad thing to lose.
And then when you've given that hope the respect and mourning it deserves, remember how many other hopes are left, and how many new hopes can be created.
Posted by annierose on April 25, 2006, at 15:14:06
In reply to Re: Thanks All. » Daisym, posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 14:11:22
Everyone said it so well. Read and re-read what they wrote. It's okay to cry and grieve, to feel guilty, to feel rage, to be relieved (finally) and then feel guilty again. It does get better. The long death of a marriage is still a death. And that takes time.
What I remember most about going through the divorce process was the sense of shame, that I failed. That I am a failure. With time I realized that we failed each other. It wasn't "my fault" or "his" (well, it mostly was). On a much lighter note (and shallow), I remember getting very thin because I couldn't stomach anything.
Sending you all my love,
gather up all your support systems,
take it each day as it comes.Love, Annie
Posted by Tamar on April 25, 2006, at 20:42:06
In reply to Daisym, I'm thinking about you., posted by madeline on April 23, 2006, at 9:35:28
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 9:20:10
In reply to Re: Thanks All. » Daisym, posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 14:11:22
> And then when you've given that hope the respect and mourning it deserves, remember how many other hopes are left, and how many new hopes can be created.
That was beautiful, Dinah.
Lar
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