![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on April 3, 2006, at 13:43:09
My husband and I recently switched marriage counselors, which is all to the good. We'd been going in each week and spinning our wheels, without getting any closer to the underlying issues. And after the intro session and two real sessions with the new one, well, it's different...
It's very frightening to me, because it triggers those deep fears that it really is all my fault, that I'm the problem, and that no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to get it wrong. Probably at least some of you know what I mean -- those fears that are so deep you hardly admit them to yourself? Those are coming up in a big way. And the little coward in my soul is saying, "Wait! No! I can't do this right now, let's put it off until later, maybe I can do it then..." But I know that there is no "later," that this has to happen now, if it's going to happen. It's very frightening, though.
And I've had some bad experiences the past few years, as some of you know, which is making this even harder on me. I'm so afraid that the things those people said were true, so I'm bending over backwards to be as far as I can figure out how to be from what they said about me. I'm NOT interrupting my husband, no matter how much I want to. I'm NOT responding with excuses for everything my husband says. I'm NOT saying what I feel, and I'm NOT saying what I'm afraid is not the real truth -- which is that I'm more depressed again and just not functioning very well. Of course, one of my fears is that I just don't function well, and never will, and the depression has nothing to do with it. But that's a story for another post...
Anyway, in the MC sessions, we've brought up two sort of conflicting issues: that he feels as though he can't bring up things that bother him, and I get to make all the decisions in our family; and that I don't feel as though I can bring up things that bother me, and he makes all the choices in our family. Well, OK, that I feel as though I have to ask permission about a lot of things, since he doesn't make all the decisions. So, in that sense, the new MC is seeing in action that I don't speak up, that I do take these things on. That's probably not a bad thing, for her to see the issue in action. And my T thinks (and I agree) that having the focus be on my husbands needs and desires at this point is probably good, in that it helps get him more engaged in the process, since it looks like being about getting his needs met. And, since he doesn't ever speak up when he's upset about something, and it does come out in more passive agressive sorts of ways, it's good that he's speaking up in there.
But oh man oh man -- it sure as shooting doesn't feel good to me.
The picture being painted of me does not feel anything like the way I see myself. After hearing about me, from his perspective in there, I feel so pathetic and so hopeless. In fact, the other day, I actually found myself starting to think things about, "there's no point in continuing to struggle, this is just too hard..." That's not something I had been thinking for a while now. NOT good.
And then I had my individual session a couple of hours later. This, of course, came up as an important topic... My T lectured me about how I have to open up, that's the point of being there. That I have to take all of me in there. And I know that. But I'm too scared. Not just a little -- a whole lot. I'm afraid that if I do speak up, they're going to tell me that I'm wrong, that I'm *in the wrong,* and that I'm going to have to work harder at it all, and that it's unfair of me to want more from my husband. That's too frightening for me right now. And, as a result, I'm doing my best not to want anything, not to need anything from him. To be able to do everything I need myself. Kinda like why I learned to change the oil in my car...
So, what do I want from you, The Babblers? I don't know that I actually want anything from you. But it's comforting to think that some of you will relate to what I'm feeling, and it's even more comforting to know that you care.
Thanks for reading this far.
Posted by fallsfall on April 3, 2006, at 14:06:37
In reply to New marriage counselor - lecture from my T (long), posted by Racer on April 3, 2006, at 13:43:09
((((((((((Racer))))))))))
Try to give it some time. These things take time. It doesn't have to be resolved this afternoon. It sounds very confusing, and I understand your terror. But maybe some of the terror is because it IS confusing, so you don't know what you should do and what you shouldn't do. At least those situations are terrifying for me.
My therapist talks about untangling things - I always think of a mess of string that has knots all through it. But I have faith that he can help me sort it out and untangle it without cutting the string. But it does take a little time.
I'll send you some patience **Patience**. Did you get it?
Love
Falls
Posted by Gee on April 3, 2006, at 15:16:09
In reply to Re: New marriage counselor - lecture from my T (long) » Racer, posted by fallsfall on April 3, 2006, at 14:06:37
(((Racer)))
It's sounds like such hard position to be in. I find it hard to speak up for myself at anytime. But that being said, sometimes it's gotta be done. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take it slow, and celebrate the babysteps.
Posted by AuntieMel on April 3, 2006, at 15:23:43
In reply to New marriage counselor - lecture from my T (long), posted by Racer on April 3, 2006, at 13:43:09
"I'm afraid that if I do speak up, they're going to tell me that I'm wrong, that I'm *in the wrong,* and that I'm going to have to work harder at it all, and that it's unfair of me to want more from my husband. That's too frightening for me right now. "
Well, I sure get it that hearing that could be a blow to self confidence.
But - if (just IF) your worst fears are realized, isn't it better to know? Wouldn't it be better to have a plan than to be in limbo?
Or - it could turn out that your worst fears are *not* realized.
It's a win-win as near as I can see.
Posted by Racer on April 3, 2006, at 15:44:38
In reply to Re: New marriage counselor - lecture from my T (long) » Racer, posted by AuntieMel on April 3, 2006, at 15:23:43
>
> But - if (just IF) your worst fears are realized, isn't it better to know? Wouldn't it be better to have a plan than to be in limbo?
>NO! lol I think it's much better to keep my head in the sand, so that I don't have to see it...
Seriously, though -- I really am feeling cowardly about this. My T tells me I'm too hard on myself, and all I can think of is, "she just doesn't know..." Of course, she also has some practical suggestions, but my husband has said no to all of them.
Right now, I just noticed that when I think about this, I feel very similarly to how I feel when I get faced with CBT things. Part of me starts to suck back, so that I can just hold everything in without breaking, and another part of me just wants to give up, because no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough... Hm... That might be a good topic to talk about this week...
Thanks, all!
Posted by fairywings on April 3, 2006, at 16:11:04
In reply to New marriage counselor - lecture from my T (long), posted by Racer on April 3, 2006, at 13:43:09
I had two questions when I read your post....since it's important right now for the focus to be on your husband's needs and desires...would he benefit from individual couseling in addition to the MC?
And since you're struggling so much right now, and this seems to be triggering you in such a big way, and the MC doesn't know you well, would it benefit you to have some sessions with your T, the MC, and your husband?(((Racer)))
fw
Posted by AuntieMel on April 4, 2006, at 14:56:21
In reply to LoL! You're braver than I am... » AuntieMel, posted by Racer on April 3, 2006, at 15:44:38
No poo there.
I'm a world class sucker-inner.
It's always easier to give advice to others. Usually it's things I know I should do, but can't.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.