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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on January 28, 2006, at 19:46:27
Saw my T and he was so nice. I guess I looked at everything I took to be "bad" about what he said and felt like he was blaming me for feeling depressed. I had severe anxiety b4 I saw him bec. I was so afraid he'd be completely annoyed with me, but he wasn't at all, he never has been.
Unfortunately my depression is coming close to an all time low. Today I've been very stuck in negative thinking, and all I could hear this afternoon was my mother's voice shaming me for behaving that way. (she's dead, but not gone from my head) Then I was thinking I just didn't want to be around, and trying to imagine how life would be for various people - husband and kids esp. How embarrassing it would be for my kids, how difficult it would be for my husband, how hurt they would all be.
So, I keep thinking "this will pass", and I know it will, but it hurts so bad. Sometimes I think it just won't get better of all the things I've done wrong, and how much time I've wasted.
I can't tell my husband stuff like that, he just doesn't get it at all. He hugs me, and thinks that makes it "all better". I really feel sorry for him for having to put up with my cr*p. I try to keep my T in my head bec. he was so calm and reassuring last week.
Thanks for listening,
fw
Posted by alexandra_k on January 28, 2006, at 22:41:40
In reply to Overreaction **Trigger**, posted by fairywings on January 28, 2006, at 19:46:27
> So, I keep thinking "this will pass", and I know it will, but it hurts so bad.I'm sorry. It really really sucks to feel that. I understand the feeling. And I hate it. More than anything. And it can be hard to know how to make it better :-(
> Sometimes I think it just won't get better
It will. It is so hard when rationally you know it will pass, it will get better... But emotionally... It surely doesn't feel that way :-(
I'm sorry. I wish I could do something or say something to help. I don't really know what to say... Except that I spend a bit of time in that place too and it is no fun :-( And I understand that :-(
> I can't tell my husband stuff like that, he just doesn't get it at all. He hugs me, and thinks that makes it "all better".It is hard. He probably doesn't know... What else he can do to help.
(((((((fw))))))))
I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by LegWarmers on January 29, 2006, at 0:55:22
In reply to Overreaction **Trigger**, posted by fairywings on January 28, 2006, at 19:46:27
>
> So, I keep thinking "this will pass", and I know it will, but it hurts so bad. Sometimes I think it just won't get better of all the things I've done wrong, and how much time I've wasted.It can and will get better, it really can/will. For me when I get thinking on time it really takes a toll on me, try not to let yourself think about. I know its so hard, let yourself accept where you are at this moment and look at what you can do in the future.
>
> I can't tell my husband stuff like that, he just doesn't get it at all. He hugs me, and thinks that makes it "all better". I really feel sorry for him for having to put up with my cr*p. I try to keep my T in my head bec. he was so calm and reassuring last week.
>
> Thanks for listening,
> fwIm sorry its so hard right now
(((FW)))
Posted by James K on January 29, 2006, at 12:22:41
In reply to Overreaction **Trigger**, posted by fairywings on January 28, 2006, at 19:46:27
Damn, when I go from not thinking about it at all, to having it in the corners of my mind, to considering the implications, I know I'm starting to go down. Please be careful.
I told my wife one time I'll never be able to do any of the things I wanted or am capable of until my parents are dead. Well they've moved away. and no change. And it hasn't helped you.
We don't have to live this way. It isn't fair. I know you're in therapy and are experienced. Your message just touched me.
James K
Posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2006, at 13:36:09
In reply to Overreaction **Trigger**, posted by fairywings on January 28, 2006, at 19:46:27
It sounds like you're taking the beginning stages of a journey, and the beginning is usually the toughest, isn't it? That's what they say, anyway. I remember feeling the way you do and having the discussions you're having, and I got away from that place and you will too. It took me a few years but once the journey was started I didn't want to stop, life is too important to give up. Keep coming here if it helps you move forward, I think the battle's worth the results, really. I remember crying and thinking everybody was better off without me. But I had to do the fight for myself, because I wanted to know if it was possible, before I completely gave up. I think it is possible, now, because it was hard, it's a hard fight, there's nothing easy about any of it, but then that's the way it is for life anyway, if you're not spending it in front of the TV! Most people really don't want that, it's when you start waking up to life that it gets painful, dealing with stuff you never dealt with before. I hope you don't mind me offering my support like this.(((fairywings)))
Posted by gardenergirl on January 29, 2006, at 15:43:51
In reply to Re: Overreaction **Trigger** » fairywings, posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2006, at 13:36:09
FW,
I'm glad you are able to keep your T in your head and heart. That's such a comforting thing. And hopefully soon he will start to speak louder and with more impact than your mother.You have nothing to feel shame about. You are loved.
Take care,
gg
Posted by happyflower on January 29, 2006, at 17:41:17
In reply to Re: Overreaction **Trigger**, posted by gardenergirl on January 29, 2006, at 15:43:51
I wish I could make the pain go away. I really do, I just don't know what to do or say.
Have you looked into EMDR? I lot of your past stuff is tramatic stuff that EMDR works great and much faster than just therapy. Plus you don't sit with the feelings as long either. Is your T familiar with it? I could ask my T for a referral if you like in your area. When do you see your p-doc? He needs to know that the meds are not working, and you do need something to help you along with therapy. Please email if you like. I wish I could help more though, but I can listen if you like. Take care, my pal.
Posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2006, at 17:55:13
In reply to (((((((FW))))))))), posted by happyflower on January 29, 2006, at 17:41:17
Posted by fairywings on January 29, 2006, at 23:40:52
In reply to (((((((FW))))))))), posted by happyflower on January 29, 2006, at 17:41:17
Thanks Alex, LW, James, GG, Susan and HF, you're all so thoughtful.
T also says accept where you are. and it helped to think his voice might someday be louder than my parents, that would be awesome. I guess the beginning is hard because you start to see things as they really are/were. Can EMDR help with things in general, or do you have to have a specific situation you're working on? When I start to think, the stuff starts swirling around and I can't zero in on just one thing, it all starts to hit me at once. I will talk to pdoc bec. I worry abt my blood pressure going up and chasing the anxiety w/pills.
James, I moved away 10 years ago, and it helped a bit to put some distance there and not have contact very often, but even when they died I still hear it and see it. T says they can die but you have to bury them. I guess that's in line w/what GG said - one day his voice might be louder. I'm sorry you're feeling stuck too.
Thanks for caring,
fw
Posted by Susan47 on January 30, 2006, at 0:56:44
In reply to Re: (((((((FW))))))))), posted by fairywings on January 29, 2006, at 23:40:52
> Thanks Alex, LW, James, GG, Susan and HF, you're all so thoughtful.
>
> T also says accept where you are. and it helped to think his voice might someday be louder than my parents, that would be awesome. I guess the beginning is hard because you start to see things as they really are/were. Can EMDR help with things in general, or do you have to have a specific situation you're working on? When I start to think, the stuff starts swirling around and I can't zero in on just one thing, it all starts to hit me at once. I will talk to pdoc bec. I worry abt my blood pressure going up and chasing the anxiety w/pills.
It might be anxiety making your thoughts swirl around. Don't worry about the EMDR, just go and make a connection with a therapist who does practice it, has all the proper certification. I went to a woman and I'm glad I did, because it does take a bit of trust in the process. It was hard, it's true it was hard to bring up specific emotions from past things but a good EMDR therapist will prepare you for that eventuality by giving you a lot of suggestions that will keep you comforted throughout the process. She'll be there with you throughout, walking you through it and helping to keep you safe. It's really very effective.
Posted by Damos on January 30, 2006, at 15:46:29
In reply to Re: (((((((FW))))))))), posted by fairywings on January 29, 2006, at 23:40:52
Dearest Fairywings,
I know it hurts real bad right now, but please keep fighting for you, because you will get there I just know it, and you're so worth fighting for. Just wish it didn't have to hurt so much and be so hard for you.
Guess for us getting through our stuff is like what distance runners experience with 'hitting the wall'. It hurts like h*ll to push through but there is something on the other side of the pain - something more.
I know you have the strength and the courage to get there FW I really do. Hope our love and support can help get you there.
Thinking of you,
Damos
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