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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 10:44:11
Hi guys. I am mostly a lurker around here although I feel like I know everyone from reading posts several times a week. I feel like I can relate to many of you as I have major maternal transference to my T of 3.5 years.
My T and I have talked about this transference many times over the years, sometimes more detailed sometimes talking around it as it causes me great anxiety. Today was the second session in a row that I have brought up my wondering about how she is with her family. How jealous I am of people who have good relationships with their families and parents who hug their children and its so natural. I told her I sometimes wonder if she is that way? She talks to me about how I see her as a mother figure and how inside I long for her to be the parent I want to fill the holes in me. I understand that but I dont think I feel that way literally.
But after today I am not sure I can take anymore. I cant stand how much my neediness has increased recently and how much it hurts. Its like everytime I see her the pain comes flooding back when I leave. I dont cry in session, I play it cool but today I was crying before I got to my car. I wanted to run back to her because it hurt so much. But at the same time I am telling myself I need to stop seeing her. If I distance myself from her the neediness and the pain will go away. I dont see any other way of dealing with it. I dont know what to do with the pain, and she cant mother me, she cant hug me, she can only give me an hour each week. It seems like the only way the pain will subside is to put space between us. I have cried all the way back to work, telling myself to call her and leave a message about how confused I am, how I dont think i can take it anymore, and how the pain is so bad right now. Or maybe I should wait until the next session, a week from tomorrow. Thats a long time to sit with this and debate on whether it will hurt more to leave or stay. I dont know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent.
Posted by happyflower on January 3, 2006, at 11:02:13
In reply to what to do with the pain, posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 10:44:11
Hi Bent,
I can feel your pain coming through your post in your words. I hate the feeling of needing something that you can't really have. I wish I could go back to my childhood and change everything, but I can't.
I would call your T (if they allow it) and tell her you need for her is growing and it is making you upset. Is there something else going on in your life where you might be needing her more that usuall?
For me, I have found, it is too tough to sit with those feelings. It is better to call, it will make you feel better. Good luck. Thanks for coming out of lurkerland! :)
Posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 11:30:02
In reply to Re: what to do with the pain, posted by happyflower on January 3, 2006, at 11:02:13
Thanks. Not many people in my life understand, I think thats why I read here so much. Just before the holidays I was really dissappointed in my mom, which is not unusal. I have always had to be my parents parent meaning I feel like I want a parent now. I know my mom loves me and wants the best for me she just isnt a good mom and doesnt know how damaging she is to her children - even tho we are all adults now. But back to what I was saying...I think over the holidays it really hit me. That I need to see my mom for who she is and that means I might just have to let go of that longing of wanting a better mom. It was almost like something is dying in me that i never really had in the first place. I guess I will have to grieve this like a loss. But anyway, maybe this is what's made me want to latch on to my T so much. Of course I havent told her about any of this. She is very open to phone calls (i think I have called her 6 times in 3 years) but sometimes my feelings are best expressed through writing. I am wondering if writing her a letter would help. Part of me wants her to know how much I am hurting right now though! But at the same time another part of me is saying just quit, then it wont hurt.
Posted by happyflower on January 3, 2006, at 11:47:02
In reply to Re: what to do with the pain » happyflower, posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 11:30:02
Hey, Bent, glad you are posting, we have a lot in common. I had to grieve what I didn't have from my parents. I always used to say how can I grieve something I didn't even know I was missing. Well now I see how it messed up my life. I grieved really hard not having anyone who really cared about me growing up. It is a dark place to go. It sounds like you are there.
You have been when with your T a long time, I am sure part of needing her is that you really need to talk about this grieving. I think the holidays bring up a lot of this stuff at least for me. Seeing all the joy in my kids eyes make me realize that I didn't have it like they do. I don't have any fond memories of my mom, no really fond memories of Christmas. I must have been a sad little girl.
Writing helps me too, I need to start to do more of that. My T will read what I write and it tells everything right out, without him having to anything. Please call your T, grieving what you are is very hard and painful. Can you get another appointment? It is okay to need your therapist. I need mine more than I can have. It hurts. I hate it too. It makes me want to run away. But I have learned it isn't what is best. Call your T! :) Let me know how it goes! :)
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 12:27:18
In reply to Re: what to do with the pain » happyflower, posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 11:30:02
I think this is a huge opportunity for you, and you definitely should not run away. Telling your therapist about your realization about your mother, and linking that to your increased need for your therapist is soooo important.
It does hurt to care, no matter who you are caring for, and it maybe hurts more in a professional relationship. But living life without the attachments that cause the pain doesn't sound very fulfilling to me.
Explore this with her, and one day you might find yourself in a more comfortable sort of attachment.
Posted by Anneke on January 3, 2006, at 13:35:54
In reply to what to do with the pain, posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 10:44:11
Bent,
Oh I resonate with your post...I have an appointment with my therapist this evening and am dreading it because of the pain I know I'll be in when that hour is over. And yes, I've talked about it a lot with her and sometimes the feelings get a less intense and I begin to think, "Oh, great, I'm finally getting over this" only to find myself back in the intense phase again. And every time I bring it up, I'm afraid she's going to reject me. She never does....she's wonderful about it. But, today I'm feeling like if I bring it up AGAIN, this will be the time she'll say "Enough already, get over it!"
Sorry I don't have any real advice, only reassurance that a lot of us feel this way. I have to go pick up my kids from school...I'll try to post later. Keep us posted and call if you can. In my opinion, the only thing worse than the feelings are having to sit with them for a week. Or can you e-mail? Good luck and do something nice for yourself....something a mother might do. Anneke
Posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 14:03:14
In reply to Re: what to do with the pain » bent, posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 12:27:18
I see what you mean. Like we are on the edge of something big. I have talked before about sorta grieving the loss of the mother I never had, but I had never really looked at my mom and thought ‘you will never be what I need – I must be what I need’ until a few weeks ago. That’s a scary thought for me. If I work on letting go of that longing for my mom, how do I let go of all the curiosity and assumptions that my T is a wonderful mother? I don’t even imagine that she the mother I want. I don’t want her to be my mother. I just wonder what kind of mother she is to her kids. But even tho I am not putting myself in the picture I guess I am still seeking out those qualities in her. Maybe that’s part of what hurts.
Posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 14:08:58
In reply to Re: what to do with the pain, posted by Anneke on January 3, 2006, at 13:35:54
Oh I understand what you mean. I felt today that my T was thinking that same thing - enough already, get over it, we just talked about this last week! And here I thought I was being brave bringing up something hard two weeks in a row. I felt like she kept moving away from my neediness to her and talking about my neediness to my fiance. Hello? I wanted to talk about my neediness for her!! Argh! Thanks for the support.
Posted by rs on January 3, 2006, at 15:07:22
In reply to what to do with the pain, posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 10:44:11
Hi and I also am a lurker which I feel gulity about but feel that I jump in on folks here.
May I tell everyone I find much support from all of you and appreciate all the honesty.
What you wrote about sounds like I do right now. Matter of fact I wrote my T a letter that I was not going back etc. The attachemtn is awful. I cannot handle it. But I do go this evening.
I was speaking to him on the phone last week. Yes I take full responsiblity on this one because I called him between a session. He ended the conversation with another name. i brought this up in session. He was honest. He said he just got off the phone with his girlfriend. He calls her sweetie and that is what is called me. I was like floored. Hurt. Jealous that someone is that important. Angry etc. Like he was not with me at all during the conversation.
I also feel T is getting tired of me talking about this all the time. Will again this evening.
Again thanks for sharing.
Posted by LadyBug on January 3, 2006, at 16:16:27
In reply to what to do with the pain, posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 10:44:11
Do call!!!! Been there, done that, and you need to call. I've been there more than I care to say and it hurts!!!!!! But to run away from it won't get you where you want to be. So hang in there and keep working through it with your T.
LadyBug
Posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 17:56:51
In reply to Re: what to do with the pain » bent, posted by rs on January 3, 2006, at 15:07:22
I understand the jealousy you are talking about. My T one time slipped out something about her daughter. I was so angry and jealous! How could she have a daughter!! And one only 5 years younger than me! I have grown to accept this now but my T is careful not to talk about her kids at all since I freaked out about it. What happened on the phone with your T would be very unsettling. I am so glad you were able to bring it up though. And I am glad your T was honest about it. I am sure your T, just like mine, isn't tired of talking about the same thing, even tho it can feel like it. Hope your session goes well this evening.
Posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 18:02:20
In reply to Re: what to do with the pain » bent, posted by LadyBug on January 3, 2006, at 16:16:27
Thanks for the encouragement. I have been writing some and i think I might hold off on calling. I think I am going to put this writing into a letter for her - one that i will have to read in the session though. But thats ok. I am not as upset as I was earlier but still feeling a lot of that pain and wondering if I am just better off without her. If I feel I need to call her I will. Thanks!
Posted by jammerlich on January 3, 2006, at 20:25:47
In reply to what to do with the pain, posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 10:44:11
I'm sorry it has to be so difficult and painful. I wish it weren't that way. It seems like, if all was right in the world, that once we understood where the feelings come from, they would finally go away!! I mean, WHAT in the world is it going to take??
But please try not to quit. I'm not sure it will work the way you're hoping. Granted, I did not leave my T by choice, but all the maternal feelings are STILL there, as strong as ever, a whole year later. I'm beginning to think the only way to really get through them is to stick it out. Though I may be the exception rather than the rule.
Please try to talk to her about it and do your best to let her know when you feel like she's trying to push you in another direction. See what she has to say about that. She may not know how to handle it or her orientation might not place much emphasis on it and those are important things for you to know.
Take good care.
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