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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on December 4, 2005, at 7:14:06
I have a question which I have struggle with for a long time in my life.
What does loyalty to a person mean? In a relationship? In marriage?
I always had a confusing thing about loyalty. Sometimes I just can't seem to figure out why a husband and wife need to be loyal to each other.
But sometimes, I have found myself feeling extremely loyal.
I don't even know what it means to be in love with a person. Really, many people seem to be interchangeable. How can one person fall in love with one person and think of that person alone throughout their life? But I have also found myself unable to replace people easily when I tried it.
I don't know how I would react if my husband flirted with other girls. It hasn't happened so far, and neither do I flirt with other guys, but my relationship with my T was one exception. But sometimes, when my friends seem to like my husband a lot, or he seems to like them, even though they don't flirt, I have felt lot of anger. But when I think about it, I seem ok with my hsuband even having an affair.
I am quite confused about this issue. Anyone wants to share their opinion? I don't know if I am naturally a loyal person or not. And does fantasizing too much about a person fall into the category of unloyalty? I know fantasizing every now and then is pretty normal.
I understand the question of loyalty to a husband doesn't arise when the feelings are about a T = since that is just the way it has to work. But does it justify the feelings? How would you feel if your husband felt that way if he went to woman T? I think I would have been devastated (if I hadn't understood transference).
Posted by orchid on December 4, 2005, at 7:21:54
In reply to What does loyalty mean?, posted by orchid on December 4, 2005, at 7:14:06
I am pondering over the idea of falling very much in love with my husband, and being loyal to him. I seem to really like him an awful lot these days. And I am even beginning to miss him when he is not with me.
There are lot of differences between us, so I don't really know if deep love is possible between us even if we both tried our best, but mabye a good amount of creating a rewarding relationship might be possible. But he is extremely possessive of me, and I struggle with the concept of how to be loyal to him as much as he seems to expect of me. He tries his best to be extremely loyal to me. But he admits it to me that he gets attracted to other women often (mostly a passing attraction when he happens to pass through some scantily dressed women) and so far it hasn't bothered me, because it was all passing attraction and all of them are women he doesn't even know well.
Posted by muffled on December 4, 2005, at 11:04:05
In reply to I should add why I asked the question, posted by orchid on December 4, 2005, at 7:21:54
Wow. Interseting question. My little brain don't work so well so my answer is short. Loyalty is sorta like you just stick with the other person thru thick and thin. You don't do stuff you think would hurt them in any way (or try not to anyways. You watch each anothers back. You take care of each other. No matter what.
Best I can come up with.
I will be interested to see others answers.
Muffled
Posted by one woman cine on December 4, 2005, at 17:19:30
In reply to What does loyalty mean?, posted by orchid on December 4, 2005, at 7:14:06
I think loyalty is an action not a thought. Thinking something isn't the same as acting upon it. I think emotions are like thoughts too; you can have negative emotions or affect towards someone, but it doesn't mean your disloyal. I think it means you just don't agree. Otherwise, every time you spoke up for yourself or said something maybe they didn't want to bear, could be construed as "disloyal". & then you would be in a kind of servile postion which no person should really be in.
As for sexual feeling or thoughts, that's perfectly fine too. We are sexual beings and should respect that. Attraction is part biology and part personality. You can't ignore your body.
But as I said, thought/feelings are one thing, action is another.
Posted by daisym on December 4, 2005, at 20:45:43
In reply to Re: What does loyalty mean? » orchid, posted by one woman cine on December 4, 2005, at 17:19:30
It might be semantics but I don't think loyalty, love or fidelity are the same things. I don't think loyalty applies well to individuals. You might be loyal to a product or political party or TV show. Which to me means you stick with it no matter what.
I think with people we have love, commitment, friendship (though I guess I see 'loyal' friend used often enough) respect, support, attachment, forgiveness and a whole bunch of other things. Love is one of those things that expands and contracts with time, shared experiences and reciprocity. I don't think it is disloyal to love bunches of people.
Fidelity implies exclusivity in your sex life with another person. I think the concept of marriage for most of us is a promise of this. But I think emotional fidelity is important to - keeping some of those needs of care and the need to care for- exclusive to your spouse. I think sometimes people give less of themselves emotionally to their spouse, even as they remain faithful sexually. I think sadly this can be as deadly to a marriage as having an affair.
Which is why the idea of therapy can be threatening to one's spouse. Sharing such intimacy with another person goes against this idea of emotional fidelity.
Maybe I got way off track?
This is the end of the thread.
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