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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:35:32
...after two weeks. that does make it hard. i was supposed to try and keep a note of stuff that i thought of during the week. to be able to take them along so that we would have something to talk about. but i forgot. and where my head was at... i couldn't think of a lot to say.
i think i talk about babble too much. i think she might be starting to get pretty interested. now i worry a bit that she might start reading here. i don't feel happy about that. not happy at all :-( not sure why...
maybe because im not sure im not sure. im not sure whether i can do this whether i can do this with her.
i cant seem to stay in one place at one time. i cant even be there with her when i am with her im partly here or partly at work or partly in the past or partly anywhere else but there.
we talked a bit... about my parents. about what my childhood was like. not so nice. not such nice feelings. about how i thought i stuffed / dissociated my thoughts feelings etc because they were unacceptable. had to or my mother would find out about them and id be punished. bout how i used to ruminate a lot on how i didn't ask to exist i didn't ask to be born and about how i feel that way a lot.
i always grew up knowing that i was never wanted as a person. my mother had me because my father used to complain about how he didn't have anyone to carry on the family name. he wanted a son so my mother had me. they started fighting when my mother was pregnant. they agreed (or my mother made my father promise) to stay with us until i was 16. but he left when i was 7. and she used to be quite open about telling me that i wasn't worthy of human company and i wasn't even good enough to have kept my father around :-(
hmm.
i really want to ask her for a hug...
but im a bit scaired to.
dont know whether it is good for me or not.
i wish i could just hold onto her and cry.
but im not sure thats a good idea :-(
she offered me a hug when i was in hospital.
ive asked her for one since then and she was ok with that.
but im worried about asking...
i dunno...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:50:12
In reply to therapy today..., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:35:32
i don't know that i can do this...
i mean... she is nice enough. but i dont know. i cant tell if it is because i am seeing something there... that it isn't really safe to be doing this with her......or whether it is just my resistence.
i dont know
i have no idea
but its her or nothing...
:-(
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 21:00:56
In reply to therapy today..., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:35:32
time for bed time for bed
i dont know who im kidding
im not ready for this
cant do this
just cant do it
i dont want to remember this stuff
i dont want to know
it does me no good :-(
Posted by gardenergirl on July 31, 2005, at 21:15:45
In reply to Re: therapy today..., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 21:00:56
Alex,
It must be so hard to have such limited resources. And of course you would be nervous and ambivalent about engaging with her. You've been burned before. You've had someone say to your face you were not wanted (at least if I read that part about your mother correctly). That must be so incredibly painful. OF COURSE you would be scared to be in therapy!!!!That said, can you just give it a tiny chance? Can you go for support versus working through stuff? It seems that going less than once per week would not be conducive to working with childhood issues such as yours. But it can help with support. And maybe as you develop trust in her, you could add tiny pieces of working through?
((((((((((alex))))))))
sweet dreams tonight.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on July 31, 2005, at 21:16:38
In reply to Re: therapy today..., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 21:00:56
I got your babblemail, and I was really really touched by it. I will reply, but I need a bit to do it justice.
Thank you.
gg
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 21:42:11
In reply to Re: therapy today... » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on July 31, 2005, at 21:15:45
I think maybe its hard because i really am very wary of females. ive had female cbt therapists before and liked them and got on well enough, but maybe thats because they never really wanted to talk about childhood stuff or anything like that. just in the now problem focused kind of stuff. or applying skills to my daily life. i remember now that my cbt therapist used to try and get me talking about the voices a little... and i remember now how i used to go round and round in circles wanting to talk about it and then needing her to back of and round and round we'd go...
we are supposed to be having weekly sessions from now on. maybe i do just need to be careful to take things a bit slow. i guess its hard for both of us. its hard to know how much is too much until it really is too much.
>I was really really touched by it.
thank you :-)
i'm glad to know i didn't freak you out... i was a bit worried about that (AFTER id sent it... typical <sigh>) so that is good to know and please dont feel that you should respond. i know you are busy... and it can be hard to know what to say... and just what you said there was fine :-)
Posted by daisym on July 31, 2005, at 22:28:08
In reply to therapy today..., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:35:32
Alex,
You sound so lost and young today. I wish things were easier for you. I guess you are going to have to accept that some parts of you are scared and other parts need comfort. Take it slow like you said.
Keep posting here. And if you are uncomfortable with the possibility of her reading her, ask her not to. I'm sure she will understand and respect your privacy.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 23:58:33
In reply to Re: therapy today... » alexandra_k, posted by daisym on July 31, 2005, at 22:28:08
Hey Daisy,
>I guess you are going to have to accept that some parts of you are scared and other parts need comfort. Take it slow like you said.
yeah. except that f*cking terrified captures it better... i think i remember... i think i remember some stuff around talking about this stuff with a female t before. i ended up dissociating a lot in sessions. used to curl up into a ball and sit there... apparantly someone would have to carry me out of the room and put me in the staff tearoom or something for a couple hours till i snapped out of it... i remember that now. just a bit. yeah, i will tell her that i can't talk about this yet. on the upside we did talk about it a little and im okay. didn't go anywhere. so i guess that means that i am getting a bit better :-) still... must remember not to push so hard. its just hard. its just hard for rational me who finds this all so very silly... but i need to be nice to myself.
and yeah. comfort. she gives great hugs. i wish she would just hold me... but then i don't know that that would work... and i wonder about what i might want from her next... and about whether there might be a slippery slope and i think that probably isn't such a good idea... but then i'm finding it hard to feel attached to her too. i think thats why she has been alright about giving me hugs. because she has been trying to get me a bit more attached to her. i guess it has worked too. just a little... but yeah. comfort.
but i've still got my arms firmly around your neck, remember???
(see im weightless so im no trouble)
:-)
> Keep posting here. And if you are uncomfortable with the possibility of her reading her, ask her not to. I'm sure she will understand and respect your privacy.yes. i think i might ask her not to. i don't think she'd break that. or if she did then she wouldn't tell me! LOL! still... that would be a relief. i talk about things here that there is NO WAY i could discuss with anyone IRL.
you take care too.
Posted by damos on August 1, 2005, at 1:53:42
In reply to therapy today..., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:35:32
Hey precious girl. Don't know that I can add much to what GG and Daisym have said. My heart breaks for you in so many ways Alex, just so many ways.
I think you need to talk to her about why you need to go slow and not push these things too hard. Like what you said in your last post. From what you've said about her before I think she'll understand. Honestly, unlike old 'washer face' I think she really does want to help. I think she's probably still just trying to work out how, like we've talked about before. She's probably feeling just as scared as you are, and like a blind person feeling her way in an unfamiliar place, she's gonna bump into stuff and have to back up unless someone helps guide her through.
Maybe doing some centering/clearing exercises at the start of each session might help with the sense of 'being there' - just a thought.
Just know, you're welcome to collapse into my arms and cry your heart out any old time you feel like it.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
Posted by pinkeye on August 1, 2005, at 13:29:24
In reply to therapy today..., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:35:32
Hi Alex,
I am so mad at your mom.. on your behalf. I really hate it when mothers can't tell their kids that they love them. I mean, if you can't tell your kid you love her/him, why even bother to have one??I am really sorry you had such a bad childhood. You didn't deserve it.. Nobody deserves being told by their mothers that they are not worthy. Even if fathers abuse us, it is bearable (compared to abuse by mothers).
I feel really bad for you.. and that you are hurting like this.
I hope you will allow yourself a second chance in life, and that you would reach out and get the love you need from either your therapist, or other people. And show your mother, that you DO DESERVE. And besides, what your mother did, has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is her own complications that she took out on you. It was not your mistake.
((Alex))
Posted by antigua on August 1, 2005, at 14:41:39
In reply to I hate mothers who can't tell their kids they love » alexandra_k, posted by pinkeye on August 1, 2005, at 13:29:24
I don't think I'll ever believe that having a father who abused me should ever be considered "bearable"
Sorry, I just reacted very strongly to that.
antigua
Posted by pinkeye on August 1, 2005, at 14:44:28
In reply to Re: I hate mothers who can't tell their kids they love » pinkeye, posted by antigua on August 1, 2005, at 14:41:39
I am sorry it triggered you so much..
I was speaking from my own experience, and didn't mean it as universal.
For me, if my mother had abused me, I would have reacted with 10 times more issues.
I always feel there is some innate thing about kids and mothers.. For instance, I feel many kids do fine without ever having a father, but hardly any kid does fine without mothers.
But it is **just me** and I know other people differ.Sorry if it triggered too much.
> I don't think I'll ever believe that having a father who abused me should ever be considered "bearable"
>
> Sorry, I just reacted very strongly to that.
> antigua
Posted by cricket on August 1, 2005, at 16:23:05
In reply to therapy today..., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:35:32
Hi Alex,
I know how hard it is. I know the going round and round.
I quite literally haven't talked about my childhood for years in therapy. Just couldn't go there. Couldn't remember. Couldn't function when I did remember. So now we've backed off and I wonder if we'll ever get back there.
Talked about voices, let them talk some, but I always back off of that too and we go back to the silence.
Maybe that's just the way it is.
My mother never wanted me either. She was 17 when I was born, still in highschool, not married. I was such a source of shame that she rejected me from birth.
She says, "You were so ugly I couldn't stand to look at you. I couldn't even think of a name for you. A nurse in the hospital named you." :(
I never met my father.
Never knew who he was.
My mother said "if you were a boy, he would have wanted to meet you."Ugh. I guess we have a lot of the same issues.
It sounds like your T is willing to go round and round with you, as mine is too, no matter how many times I try to push him off the carousel :)
Alex, you are such a great help to me and so many others. I hope you get all the hugs you need.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2005, at 17:53:07
In reply to Re: therapy today..., posted by cricket on August 1, 2005, at 16:23:05
(((Cricket)))
> I quite literally haven't talked about my childhood for years in therapy. Just couldn't go there. Couldn't remember. Couldn't function when I did remember. So now we've backed off and I wonder if we'll ever get back there.
Yeah. I think I need to back off... Maybe... It isn't so very important to go there. I dunno.
> Talked about voices, let them talk some, but I always back off of that too and we go back to the silence.Yeah. Me too.
> Maybe that's just the way it is.Yeah. Maybe it is. Maybe thats just the process thats going to happen. Maybe it gets a bit better with time.
> Ugh. I guess we have a lot of the same issues.Yeah. It does... I think I read somewhere that people with DID tend to report a higher incidence of abuse from their mothers. I don't know how reliable that is or what (if anything) it might mean.
But I have been thinking... About security. Is what people want more than anything to feel safe - or is that just me? I mean... Thinking here of the different stages... Is it that most peoples issues go back to security / safety or do other people have different stuff there?
I dunno.
> It sounds like your T is willing to go round and round with you, as mine is too, no matter how many times I try to push him off the carousel :)
:-)
Yeah. I guess that might just be how it is going to be. And lets hope that if I accept that then it won't be like that anymore ;-)
> Alex, you are such a great help to me and so many others. I hope you get all the hugs you need.Thanks Cricket. You are a great help to me too. You and so many other Babblers too.
Hug to anyone who wants / needs one.
:-)
Posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2005, at 17:55:38
In reply to I hate mothers who can't tell their kids they love » alexandra_k, posted by pinkeye on August 1, 2005, at 13:29:24
Hey there Pinkeye. Thanks for your thoughts. I think... That she didn't tell me she loved me because of the simple point that she didn't. You can't make someone love you... You can talk about rights all you like but its silly because you can't just make someone love someone else.
But then there are loving behaviours. Treating people with respect and all that...
I don't know.
I think I have to leave this alone now.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2005, at 17:56:31
In reply to Re: I hate mothers who can't tell their kids they love » pinkeye, posted by antigua on August 1, 2005, at 14:41:39
> I don't think I'll ever believe that having a father who abused me should ever be considered "bearable"
No. It isn't something that you should have to bear either. I'm sorry.
(((antigua)))
Posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2005, at 17:59:22
In reply to Re: therapy today... » alexandra_k, posted by damos on August 1, 2005, at 1:53:42
Hey. Yeah, I think it will take some time to figure out what is okay and what isn't okay to talk about. It can be hard to find the middle ground. I know that I do need to look at stuff that is hard. But then I also have to be careful about the stuff that is a bit too hard at the moment.
I guess we'll work it out...
And I'd rather... I'd rather have the session I had than a session where I leave and feel like I've just had a 'general chat' that was superficial and... well... a bit pointless really.
I know I'll only learn to trust her in time, but I've been seeing her for a while now. Well work it out...
>
Posted by cricket on August 3, 2005, at 13:15:13
In reply to Re: therapy today... » cricket, posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2005, at 17:53:07
> But I have been thinking... About security. Is what people want more than anything to feel safe - or is that just me? I mean... Thinking here of the different stages... Is it that most peoples issues go back to security / safety or do other people have different stuff there?
My heart pounds a mile a minute every time I go to therapy. I feel like I can't breathe. I pass by the street sometimes two or three times because I am in such a fog. So safety is a big issue and therapy just feels dangerous.
Dangerous because I'm letting someone into places forever off limits, because I have so much hope riding on this...
ahhh, I can't go all the way there right now )-:So I venture forth a bit, talk a little about something scary, and then retreat for a few sessions. Perhaps it's your pattern too?
I do know what you mean about disliking general chats though. For me, I prefer silent sessions than that. Perhaps it has something to do with the fake front I had to put up starting with my mother and then just about everyone else. It feels too similar to that.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 3, 2005, at 14:37:57
In reply to Re: therapy today... » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on August 3, 2005, at 13:15:13
Oh yes, I hear you..
I just wonder whether trust is such a big issue for people in general or if its more that its part of our pathology...
This is the end of the thread.
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