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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cecilia on July 3, 2005, at 5:36:25
A few days ago I read an article a woman wrote about her experience with rTMS at the same clinic I had (unsuccessful) rTMS at last year. Of course the treatment worked great for her, or she wouldn`t have written the article. It just took me back to 18 months ago when I had the treatments, sleepless and alone in my Vancouver hotel, hoping so desperately it would work, but having no belief that it would and of course it didn`t. But the part of the article that left me most upset was where she talked about how 4 friends came up for the weekend after her first week of treatment. How does someone who`s chronically depressed have 4 friends? (Well, actually she had at least 5, because she talks about seeing another the following weekend). It just makes no sense to me. Are some people just such incredibly good actors that they can make friends despite severe depression? Even if they can fake the social skills, where do they get the energy? For me, even if some pill, some therapy, some treatment were to magically work (and I`ve tried nearly everything) I don`t see how it would change my life in any way; I`d still be ugly and friendless with an empty, pointless life. Some of the stuff you read about depression just makes no sense to me. (Like on the Beck depression inventory where they ask whether you`re feeling ugly. I AM ugly. (I`m not stupid, I have a mirror.) There`s no pill that going to make me delusional). Maybe if there had ever been a time in my life when I wasn`t depressed I could understand, but there hasn`t been. After my ex therapist made it clear that I was unhelpable after 7 years of therapy, I was actually considering ECT and went to a shock doc for a consult. He said that when people are depressed they forget the times they haven`t been. Just how clueless are these pdocs? Did he really think I had all these happy memories that had just slippied my mind? I mean, I hadn`t HAD the shock treatments then (and chose not to, or at least knew I would never have the courage to choose to, which is the same thing.) I don`t really have a question (other than the philosophical one about why there`s so much suffering in the world.) Just venting I guess. Cecilia
Posted by Shortelise on July 3, 2005, at 14:21:39
In reply to Very depressed after reading article on rTMS, posted by Cecilia on July 3, 2005, at 5:36:25
I wonder about this too. For me, it's migraine treatments. I guess there are people who get relief from Excedrin Migraine, but I might as well just drink the water I use to take it for all the good it does me. Other treatments that people tell me about that worked for their aunt Lizzie, well, believe me, if taking two aspirin, drinking a cup of coffee and masturbating worked for all migrainers, it would be a different world.
Actually, RTMS is, I believe, also used for migrainers.
Cecilia, I don't know how chronically depressed people manage. WHen I a depressed - luckily it's recurrent, not constant - there is no hope, no solution, no help ever, anywhere at all. To live with that constantly must be hell. I am so sorry for you.
You know, I imagine that if you think you are phsycially ugly, then you might be. And I respect your ability to see it. But what's funny about the "ugly" thing is that I have always, always found beautiful things about people who might be considered unattractive. My young niece has the most beautiful hands. Another has skin that's so soft! And yet another has a way of moving, despite her weight, that is grace itself and fine to behold, and she wears draping clothes of gorgeous fabrics. ANd the other there was a guy who walked by who had a way of looking, I don't know how to desrcibe it, but he had such a wide open look to his face when he looked. I love these things of beauty in these people and admire them more than I do the beauty of an entirely lovely creature, even in strangers on the bus.
Your experience in Vancouver sounds heartbreaking. I wish it were more like the article, and that your life had somehow been transformed. I think depression alienates us. There are plenty of homely people who live lives that are not full of lonliness and desperation. THe depression is the difference.
I wish I could make a difference.
((cecilia))
SHortE
Posted by Poet on July 3, 2005, at 14:22:28
In reply to Very depressed after reading article on rTMS, posted by Cecilia on July 3, 2005, at 5:36:25
Hi Cecilia,
It's okay to vent here. I hadn't heard of rTMS so I looked it up. You tried something that you hoped would work and it didn't. That isn't your fault. Everybody is different, what worked well for the author of that article, didn't for you.
It's like meds. I lucked out and when Paxil kicked out, Effexor XR helped. It's not for everybody, but it works for me. rTMS isn't for everybody either, like ECT. You are brave for actually considering it, it scares me.
My therapist does all sorts of different energy techniques (I hope this doesn't get relocated to alternative...) and I do feel a little better, but it's not like I suddenly feel great. Some people do, I don't. She just has to find what combined with talk will make me feel a lot better.
Wish I could give you the magic formula to what will work. Posting helps me a lot, keep posting, we're here for you. Online friends count as friends and we don't care what you look like. Though I met a bunch of people in Chicago and nobody was ugly like they said they were. Except me. That mirror doesn't lie.
Poet
Posted by Susan47 on July 3, 2005, at 14:35:29
In reply to Very depressed after reading article on rTMS, posted by Cecilia on July 3, 2005, at 5:36:25
I laughed out loud when I read what you said about being ugly. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It's not easy looking into the mirror, is it, especially when you see so many gorgeous younger people, women especially. It makes getting old on top of all of that even worse. I have a terrible time with it. Wish I didn't. Wish I lived on a boat in isolation from all of that. Wish I could live totally in my head.
I know what you mean about depression and making friends. I don't think I don't know how this woman had four or five friends. All I can think is that maybe before her treatment she didn't really know or see that they were friends, maybe before the treatment did it's work on her, she didn't think she had any friends, then after the treatment, bang, she realized that yes, I have a lot to offer these people I just wasn't being myself because I was depressed and now I'm not so they are my friends, I can see that now? Maybe you have friends or potential friends too, and can't see that in the depression. I hope you find something that works for you, what else have you done?
Posted by Shortelise on July 4, 2005, at 13:16:23
In reply to Very depressed after reading article on rTMS, posted by Cecilia on July 3, 2005, at 5:36:25
Posted by Susan47 on July 4, 2005, at 19:44:48
In reply to Re: Very depressed after reading article on rTMS » Cecilia, posted by Susan47 on July 3, 2005, at 14:35:29
Posted by Cecilia on July 8, 2005, at 6:47:12
In reply to Yes, how are you Cecilia? (nm), posted by Susan47 on July 4, 2005, at 19:44:48
Thanks for your replies, Shortelise, Poet and Susan. I wrote a long reply a couple of days ago but it disappeared into Cyberspace. July is a very hard month for me. I hate summer anyway, and I`m coming up soon to the 8th anniversary of the day my failed therapy ended for good in a huge stupid argument. I spent 7 years (and $41,000) in therapy and 8 years since grieving its loss. In other words, I`ve spent 15 years of my life obsessed with a woman who I`m sure is happily living her life with never a thought about me. I must truly be crazy. And incredibly selfish, to still be so concerned with my own personal pain, with all the horrible things going on in the world. Cecilia
Posted by Susan47 on July 11, 2005, at 23:07:00
In reply to Re: Yes, how are you Cecilia?, posted by Cecilia on July 8, 2005, at 6:47:12
What was the stupid argument? Maybe you were really ready for therapy with this person to end, but all the grieving and all the thinking you've been doing about it in the meantime is so terribly sad. I grieved over my ex-husband for a good six years or more while raising our son alone, it was madness, I spoke to him in my head every day, I was completely engulfed in the utter despondency of rejection. And I was angry, horribly angry with him and not allowed to be, because he would never accept anybody's feelings. Is it kind of like that? It's a madness of sorts, definitely.
This is the end of the thread.
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