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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 12:32:06
I have been reading the posts recently about termination - either by quitting or sadly, by being terminated by one's T.
I have felt so disconnected from my T for the past few months. I have not been going regularly, but even when I was seeing him weekly, it just didn't seem liked we clicked.
He is a good T. Kind and gentle. However, I just cannot seem to open up to him about what is bothering me. It just seems like what is the point.
My T is the ideal T for me. He seems to know how to approach me and I really appreciate it. However, it just seems like we don't mesh lately.
I don't want to quit T, but I don't want to go in either. Any suggestions? I am losing a lot of sleep over this.
Thanks.
Posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 12:36:12
In reply to Disconnected with T, posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 12:32:06
Have you ever had a good therapy relationship with him? Have you ever felt really connected? Is it something you've lost, or something you never had?
Posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 12:44:40
In reply to Re: Disconnected with T » rockymtnhi, posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 12:36:12
I feel like he understands me, but I have never been able to let him close to what I am feeling. I don't let anyone close. I wanted to change that with him but I could not bring myself to do it.
We have had a good relationship in the past, but it seems to have dessentigrated (sp?) and it is very troubling to me.
I need closure, but I don't want T to end.
Posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 12:50:05
In reply to Re: Disconnected with TDinah, posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 12:44:40
It sounds as if you're ready to move on, but it's scary to think of change?
Forgive me if I'm misreading here.
But it doesn't sound like you're longing for a more meaningful connection. It sounds like you're in a relationship that just doesn't work for you anymore, but you're grateful for past help, and you like the person involved, so you're reluctant to let it go.
If I'm totally misreading, and what you want to do is to increase the connection, that's entirely possible to do, with a lot of hard work.
Posted by Shortelise on July 4, 2005, at 13:15:44
In reply to Disconnected with T, posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 12:32:06
Could it be you are ready to go to a new place in therapy and you are looking for a way to get past this inability you feel to get close?
You can tell him, or you can write it down. What would happen if you said to him, I feel I can't tell you the things I need to? What would happen if you asked him to help you talk about these things, asked him if there are ways he knows of that might get you past this block?
You could tell him everything you wrote here.
Sometimes we need a break, and it sounds like you've had one, and maybe now you're ready to go in and start on some more intense work.
There you are - Dinah and I have very different ways of seeing this!
ShortE
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 4, 2005, at 13:44:09
In reply to Disconnected with T, posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 12:32:06
Why did you decide to see him less often? Were you feeling better or was it a $ reason or something else?
EE
Posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 13:54:18
In reply to Re: Disconnected with T » rockymtnhi, posted by Shortelise on July 4, 2005, at 13:15:44
Most likely we're in different places right now.
I think I'm particularly aware of my tendency to stick with things that are no longer as helpful to me, or as interesting, or whatever it may be. That's both a good and bad quality in myself. It's good because I'm a loyal and committed friend, spouse, therapist client, and to some extent, employee. It's good because it leads me to stick through natural ebbs and flows in a relationship.
But it's bad in that in makes me vulnerable to extreme distress when others change. And it's bad in that it probably keeps me from growing and becoming all that I can be.
I think right now, I'm acknowledging the bad side of that quality more than I have in the past. So I tend to see things from that perspective.
I suspect that only the parties involved can really search themselves and see if it's an opportunity to grow together, or an opportunity to grow apart.
Posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 17:44:15
In reply to Re: Disconnected with T, posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 4, 2005, at 13:44:09
> Why did you decide to see him less often? Were you feeling better or was it a $ reason or something else?
>
> EE
I have been terribly busy with work so I HAD to take a break. But also, I wasn't really using my time wisely in therapy because I was not talking to him. I was not being fair to either one of us. He wanted to help me but I wouldnt let him close enough.
Posted by Shortelise on July 4, 2005, at 17:47:14
In reply to Re: Disconnected with T » Shortelise, posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 13:54:18
There is nothing about this board I appreciate more than the difference in the way we see things. It's absolutely the most vlauable thing for me. It's like trying on clothes. Somtimes the most unlikely feelings fit, the ideas that I would have thought were far out are, when I try them, have some validity for me.
Ok, I guess there something I do appreciate more here - compassion. But the diversity of view is oh so important.
ShortE
Posted by cricket2 on July 4, 2005, at 18:54:51
In reply to Disconnected with T, posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 12:32:06
How long have you been in therapy with him?
I know that when I started therapy for the first six months (the honeymoon I guess they call it) I felt connected and understood. I didn't share anything all that deep and didn't really trust him all that much. But I liked him and liked listening to him and for me that was a major breakthrough.
Then slowly I started feeling less and less comfortable. I got quieter and quieter in therapy. The connection felt less and less. I felt a little voice in my head saying to him "come closer." But it felt like we just didn't click as you said and I began to dread therapy more and more. Actually I still do dread it but that's another story :)
But during all this time (and this was years - I'm not sure how I stuck it out - well actually I didn't always stick it out, I quit, I didn't show up for sessions sometimes) something was happening inside me. Maybe it was a connection, a real connection that grew (not an oh I like you because you're smart and seem to like me fake connection) and I almost had to become mute in therapy for that to happen.
Perhaps this is not at all what is happening with you and your therapist but I wanted to share just in case you might recognize something.
The one thing that helped both of us during that mute, unconnected phase was my dreams. Even though I felt dread at the prospect of seeing him (and I'm sure he must have felt the same sometimes) my dreams showed something else.
So have you had any dreams about your therapist lately? Anything you can bring to him to help you both figure out what is going on?
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 5, 2005, at 0:39:45
In reply to Re: Disconnected with T, posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 17:44:15
Have things calmed down enough with work so that you could see your T every week? I think that would be a huge part of reconnecting. When you don't see eachother at least that often you spend so much of the session catching the T up on what has happened in your life.
So, in a perfect world, you could tell your T that you are feeling disconnected from him right now and you want to come in every week. You could also say that you'd be interested in any impressions that he might have about why you might be feeling this way. I say in a perfect world b/c it all sounds so easy in theory, but can be so hard in reality. What do you think? Would any of this be possible?
Best,
EE
> > Why did you decide to see him less often? Were you feeling better or was it a $ reason or something else?
> >
> > EE
>
>
> I have been terribly busy with work so I HAD to take a break. But also, I wasn't really using my time wisely in therapy because I was not talking to him. I was not being fair to either one of us. He wanted to help me but I wouldnt let him close enough.
>
Posted by antigua on July 7, 2005, at 12:23:25
In reply to Re: Disconnected with T » Shortelise, posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 13:54:18
Excuse me for jumping in, but I stick with people, places and things long after they are beneficial, maybe even detrimental, to me. I have such a hard time with these boundaries, of protecting myself. I find it very frustrating that I can't "see" clearly, that my abandonment issues prevent me from recognizing when it's time to move on. What usually happens is that I am left, so the damage is two-fold.
I'm working on trying to recognize this pattern before I get involved, but it's really difficult with the people, places, etc. that are already part of my every day life.
Has there been anything that has been particularly helpful to you in dealing with this?
thanks,
antigua
Posted by rockymtnhi on July 8, 2005, at 10:23:31
In reply to Disconnected with T, posted by rockymtnhi on July 4, 2005, at 12:32:06
I appreciate your feedback. I saw my T yesterday and did not bring up wanting to quit. He brought up how much he thought that I was struggling and how he wanted to be there for me. I told him how I was having difficulty letting him get close and he said that he wanted to help me with that. I felt so overwhelmed after I left. He is trying to help me but I still feel disconnected. Maybe it is easier for me that way.
It is nice to know that the struggles we have in therapy are shared with other on this board. Thanks for your help.
Posted by Dinah on July 11, 2005, at 20:16:47
In reply to Re: Disconnected with T » Dinah, posted by antigua on July 7, 2005, at 12:23:25
I wish I could tell you. But it's just been a sudden realization to me, a stunning one at that, that this is true of me.
I've always cherished my stability.
This is the end of the thread.
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