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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on July 4, 2005, at 14:52:59
So I have been wondering about some thing recently.
Why do we like Ts so much, and not others who display the same qualities??
For instance -if you take a quality, then plenty of peole have it. Like insightful - lots of babblers here have it. Wisdom - there is more wisdom in babble than my T had - kindness/gentleness/caring/affection - I am getting it from different people here.
Even in real world, my husband is actually quite something.. he is humorous, kind, gentle (atleast in the past few months).. and I know lots of my colleagues who are like that - smart, funny, kind and sweet..
So what is it that makes someone who they are?? And what makes people like them?? Is it just these qualities like insightful, wise, kind, affectionate, caring - everyone here is like that - so what distinguishes a T?? Really, I don't think I had ever this kind of affectionate, warm, and insightful rapport with my ex T or my current T as I have with babblers here..
Posted by Tamar on July 4, 2005, at 16:04:13
In reply to What makes people like their Ts and not others??, posted by pinkeye on July 4, 2005, at 14:52:59
> So I have been wondering about some thing recently.
>
> Why do we like Ts so much, and not others who display the same qualities??
>
> For instance -if you take a quality, then plenty of peole have it. Like insightful - lots of babblers here have it. Wisdom - there is more wisdom in babble than my T had - kindness/gentleness/caring/affection - I am getting it from different people here.
>
> Even in real world, my husband is actually quite something.. he is humorous, kind, gentle (atleast in the past few months).. and I know lots of my colleagues who are like that - smart, funny, kind and sweet..
>
> So what is it that makes someone who they are?? And what makes people like them?? Is it just these qualities like insightful, wise, kind, affectionate, caring - everyone here is like that - so what distinguishes a T?? Really, I don't think I had ever this kind of affectionate, warm, and insightful rapport with my ex T or my current T as I have with babblers here..I think the main difference with a T is that we don't know much about them. And I'd bet my house that Ts who are insightful, wise, kind, affectionate and caring at work can sometimes be thoughtless, imprudent, irritating, distant and inattentive at home.
The great thing about babblers (IMO) is that people here are willing to be themselves, within the constraints of anonymity. And people are willing to accept each other's weaknesses. There aren't many commnuities in real life where it's possible to be both so open and so accepted. I guess that's why I like it here!
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 16:27:05
In reply to What makes people like their Ts and not others??, posted by pinkeye on July 4, 2005, at 14:52:59
I'm not sure your basic assumption is true. My relationship with Babble as a whole is as important to me as my relationship with my therapist, and I am equally distraught at anything I percieve as a threat to it.
I will admit to the truth that I don't become totally vulnerable to individual Babblers very often because I've learned the hard way that Babblers come and go, for various reasons of their own. It's been my pattern in life to be the one who doesn't leave. My life has been so stable, by design, and by my own pathology, that I never leave anyone. Friends move on from me. And it hurts. I've learned to shield myself from that hurt.
But there are individual Babblers who have proved themselves to be long term friends that I can count on to be there, and I have become vulnerable to them. There are people that I not only *like" probably better than my therapist, but that I have given the power to hurt me nearly as much as my therapist. It's that latter part, giving people the power to hurt me, that I consider to be the greatest vulnerability and sign of trust that I can express.
I'm not sure how much I "like" my therapist. Probably I wouldn't like him nearly as much as many Babblers, or real life people.
You know how there are some people that you just feel attracted to? They possess qualities that you admire, and you'd just like to get to know them better? My therapist isn't really one of them.
What he does have is a certain quality of calmness that he is able to radiate, and certain other personal qualities that I find helpful to me when I'm in distress. And I gave him the power to hurt me long before he had proved himself worthy of it. Fortunately it turned out ok. That's the main difference that I see. I guess he has more power to hurt me than anyone else, including my husband, but darned if I know why. It isn't because I like him better. I guess it's because I've turned him into my port in the storm. I have a habit of personifying qualities in a person, and I've personified safety in him. I personified happiness in a dog who died long ago.
Probably not wise, but I seem to do it anyway.
But that's not the same as liking him more than I like others with similar qualities.
Posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 16:30:00
In reply to Re: What makes people like their Ts and not others?? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on July 4, 2005, at 16:04:13
I think you're right, Tamar. As I'm getting to know my therapist more, I'm beginning to truly incorporate those negative things that I always knew about him into my internal image of him. And I think that that extra layer of reality might be making him less valuable to me. :)
There's something to be said for allowing projection.
Posted by pinkeye on July 4, 2005, at 18:27:50
In reply to Re: What makes people like their Ts and not others » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 16:27:05
I actually love babble and babblers :-)
But what I meant was, we don't pine for them or long for them..
Posted by happyflower on July 5, 2005, at 8:33:54
In reply to Re: What makes people like their Ts and not others » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on July 4, 2005, at 18:27:50
I think T's don't get emotionally involved with our problems, they make seem like they do with support and all that, but they do keep themselves out of our problems. They always have us as the focus, we don't even ask about their life and their problems. If it was a personal relationship it would be kinda of selfish of us to depend on someone to always be there for us, but yet they don't count on us to be their for them.
T's have personal problems too, but they ARE emotionally involved in them. They get hurt, mad, act like jerks, pout, and all the stuff we do in our personal relationship. T's can't stay objective as easy when they are in the problem. I am sure if they try to use their "therapy " on their wives, the wives problably say stuff your therapy crap, I am mad, you have been a jerk, but I am not your crazy patient, so shut up with all the therapy stuff. lol I bet T's have a harder time with their personal realationships.
I know a lot of people who have the same neat qualities as my T. But these personal relationships I know some of their faults too and past histories. But I think with our relationship with our T's we mostly see their good side only.
Posted by Jazzed on July 5, 2005, at 10:54:20
In reply to What makes people like their Ts and not others??, posted by pinkeye on July 4, 2005, at 14:52:59
I think some of it, for me, is just their manner. I'm not necessarily talking about just my current T, but it's been my experience that they appear to have what I want - they're calm, rational, easy going, together, better educated than I am, and not afraid of everything that I am. Maybe they're not that way in RL, but that's been my perception of the ones I've seen.
My husband is also that way. He would have been the perfect T. When I have problems, and go to him, he is always calm, very rational, understanding, reassuring, and very intuitive. And, best of all he can hold me and love me. But, he doesn't have time to play shrink with me, and I don't want that from him.
Jazzy
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