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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 18:40:18
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 18:36:39
And I feel sorry for myself that I ever thought he would be able to understand and help me.
I am sorry I ever tried to open up and trust and heal. It is totally not worth it and it is not possible.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 18:49:35
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 18:40:18
And why should I feel bad? It is him who should feel bad. If I were a therapist, I wouldn't terminate my client especially long term ones like that. I would never ever have done that to anyone of my clients. He should have had little more common sense than to abruptly send one mail one day and temrinate and vanish.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 19:01:20
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 18:49:35
He really needs to learn a lot if he ever wants to become a therapist again and treat long term patients like me. OTherwise, he is going to cause more harm than help in the end. He needs to understand about emotions, transference, how significant it is and everything.. and how important it is to talk about emotions and childhood and let the client heal instead of just asking to cope up with the world now. Maybe they didn't teach him all this in college, but he has more exposure, he should know more. He messed up my termination, but I am thinking I should send him an email of what he did wrong so that he doesn't do it to the future clients. Otherwise he is just going to cause havoc in other patients.. ATleast I was the first long time woman patient he had (perhaps the only one), if it happened to other people in India, they wouldn't have had even as much info as I have about all this.. it would have been a disaster. They wouldn't have been able to recover at all. Atleast I have so much other info and support and understanding about transference.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 19:06:36
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 19:01:20
And I honestly don't think many clients puts as much effort as me in understanding things and trying to heal.. And even with so much of effort on my part, if he didn't handle the termination right, what to say of other less motivated clients? They would have just commited suicide if terminated so abruptly.. They would have just totally given up on life.. Even with so much of undersatnding about transference, I find it so hard to accept it.. what to say of less informed patients?
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 19:21:49
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 19:06:36
And I really think I tried my best.. I don't think many people put as much effort as me.. He messed it up.. he should have given me atleast 3 months warning, and asked me to slowly terminate, and he should have given me little bit of after tmermination support. I would have done much much better if I had had that considerate approach instead of this hardcore abrupt termination and pick up yourself I don't care what you do attitude. That is what really got to me. I didn't mind that he terminated.. but just that he terminated so abruptly.. that totally sucked. And he didn't reply when I told him I felt bad.. what kind of person would do that? If he felt I was a nuisance, he could have had little more courtesy to tell me before hand.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:43:42
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 19:21:49
oh.. why should I blame him for my own problems and transference.. I am so emotionally immature nobody could ever help me anyway. why just blame him alone.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:46:23
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:43:42
I should really not live.. I make everyone's life around me miserable.. my parents, my husbands, my own, and now I am blaming my ex T also.. I really don't know how to live.. I wish I can die soon. I really dn't know how to be simple and happy.. I am so very complicated..and messed up. And I don't think there is any point in continuing to live this way.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:51:08
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:46:23
babblers - don't get concerned over me.. I won't do anything stupid..
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:53:33
In reply to forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:51:08
I want to leave babble.. I don't know if I can.. but I desperately want to leave. I keep coming back here.. almost like push and pull.. I am a miserable person.. and I don't feel like I belong here.
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 20:54:26
In reply to forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:51:08
> babblers - don't get concerned over me.. I won't do anything stupid..
Well I am concerned about you pinkeye. I just wished I knew what to say to make you feel better. I care about you and I hope you will be all right. (((((pinkeye)))) I feel really sad about this.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:59:19
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 20:54:26
don't worry about me. it is not worht it.. I have given up on myself. I don't think it is ever possible for me to be happy or even decently not miserable. I have always been like this, and am always going to be like this. there is really no use anymore and no hope for me. I will just have to live like this.. I have really tried.. believe me I have.. no effect. not even a little bit.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:00:53
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:59:19
I am just not born with it.. it is something I never had, and it is something which I will always lack. I don't think I can ever be a happy person. not with anyone or anything. and no amount of therapy or trying will change that.
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:05:25
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:00:53
Pinkeye, please don't give up on yourself. I feel like you are my friend and I feel your pain so much and want so much for it to go away or transfer it to me, so I can take it away. Yes, you do matter, to me. Maybe I am not enough for you , but I have grown to really care about you. Please don't let me down, I need you! I am just in tears over this.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:07:49
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:05:25
oh no.. don't please feel bad. I should never have posted that here.
I am sorry. I am really not goign to do anything stupid so don't worry.
I will perhaps become allright by monday
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:13:27
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:07:49
> oh no.. don't please feel bad. I should never have posted that here.
> I am sorry. I am really not goign to do anything stupid so don't worry.
> I will perhaps become allright by mondayCan you call your current T for support? When is your next appointment? Please lean on us and your T when you need us, that is what we are here for. WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!! Even when you won't let us, we care!
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:15:11
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:13:27
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:25:32
In reply to I CARE PINKEYE, I CARE PINKEYE, I DO!!!!!!! (nm), posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:15:11
thank you happyflower. I feel better.
Posted by shrinking violet on June 17, 2005, at 21:33:24
In reply to thanks so much!! » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:25:32
{{{{{{pinkeye}}}}}
You are not stupid. And I understand the "push and pull" all too well. I know how much you're hurting right now, how agonizing and achingly deep it is, especially when you can't get the answers from the one person you need them from. That in itself is so hard.
Please stay safe, and reach out if you need to, in whatever way will help. My offer for babblemail still stands.
Take care sweets, you're very valued here,
sv
Posted by sleepygirl on June 17, 2005, at 21:33:46
In reply to Babble is triggering old feelings again and again, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 15:46:29
Pinkeye!
Hey, you're right, it's incredibly painful, it was too abrupt. It doesn't mean you can't try again though. It's a messy business getting attached, it's difficult, it's painful, but it can be worth it. I'm SO sorry it went so badly for you. I know it's hard. Please don't blame yourself. We do the best we can. Keep writing, get it out. It will get better slowly.
Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:37:12
In reply to Re: Babble is triggering old feelings again and again, posted by sleepygirl on June 17, 2005, at 21:33:46
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
In reply to YOU MATTER!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!! (nm), posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:37:12
thanks everyone. Don't worry about me. I will definitely stay safe.
Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2005, at 21:50:25
In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
But I'm sorry to hear you hurting so much. I hope our conversation the other day didn't add to that. My choices and my priorities are just mine.
((((Pinkeye))))A pox on terminating therapists.
Posted by Deneb on June 17, 2005, at 23:44:40
In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
Try listening to some cheerful music...
Dance a little...
Pretend you're a one person rave :-)Try distracting yourself from your problems for a while. It might work.
Deneb
Posted by 10derHeart on June 18, 2005, at 0:08:46
In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
Thank you for writing this, for promising us, but even more, promising yourself. Make sure you remember how much we love you, and remember your husband does, too. Your T.would certainly want to support you if the thoughts of wanting to die become more scary or real.
I've stayed out of this thread. I struggle with what to say, because I know how triggered you've been getting. Trying to figure out some way to be helpful without mentioning too much about my own situations with T's, past and present. I fear I'm not skilled enough of a writer to do it. But I have to try to maybe give you what I see as a much bigger picture.
If it's any comfort at all, I'd say 95% of what you've written above, about what your ex-T. should have done, and what all T's should do and NEVER do - in handling termination is right on the mark. I feel like I can say that with some authority, because I've really had the complete opposite of what you're stil enduring now, as far as choices a T. makes on how to handle termination. I will NOT post any further details - I can't bear thinking of unecessarily hurting you.
I only mention it to be able to tell you - you've GOT it, pinkeye. You really do. You are right. When they do most/all of the things you describe, the client DOES heal and something really precious, resilient and wonderful is left over inside from that T's attitude and gentle care. Because you are so correct, so perceptive, so much a champion for all potential therapy clients out there, you could send that email if you wanted to. Of course, there's some risk he'd reply angrily one day, and that might be too scary to imagine. But, maybe not - he hasn't replied at all so far! Not suggesting it, just thinking that it's one way to turn this righteous anger outward, toward something, somewhere good and freeing. I hope to soon see you more free of this despair and more fighting for "the next step" for pinkeye.
The rage and hurt are at the root of so much. The suicidal ideation, IMO, often comes out of the progression we see (part of) here on the board. You feel sad and longing, confused, outraged, messed up, etc., all mixed in with a TON of anger. The anger just has no suitable outlet, so it goes inward. You want to harm something, hurt something (really ex-T and maybe your dad, sometimes) and it ends up with YOU - you are right there, and it's either impossible, or a huge conflict, to think of hurting T's or fathers. I know this pattern. I used to live it, too, over fear before a termination, and later other issues - but it was exactly like what you are writing. It ends up with us being able to *rationalize* (or should I say *irrationalize*) hurting ourselves as the only *logical* choice at the time. Anything to either stop this pain, or replace it with another kind of pain :-(
I wish I could replace it with warmth and acceptance and peace. I am praying for those things for you, pinkeye.
I don't know just how yet, but you are so smart and insightful, and have so much to offer. I feel like you should start a book or something. There is somehting in you from all this suffering and repeating of awful emtional states that is going to come together one day is a beautiful way. I really believe that. You'll be able to think back and realize you never could have_______[insert thing you are going to do in future] if you hadn't learned this stuff about therapists so completely and deeply the hardest way on earth - through personal experience.
I know. I know. When I talk like this, you must want to point out you didn't volunteer for this, and to let someone else become so wise through being hurt, not me. Not me. I have said that so many times. And I agree - sort of. But I figure, at this point, it's too late, in the sense this has already happened. We can't go back and fix his crappy termination technique. You can only go forward, to India, to working on your marriage, to even more support and learning with Babblers, to a better life you will have, to ??? who knows what? I know you are going to find your way. No one who works so sincerely and hard is going to be defeatd. Somehow, this is all going to be turned to good in little and big ways, maybe sooner than you think.
Maybe all of us - who've had every sort of T. termination from A - Z - horrible to wonderful, really ought to get together and write out our stories in detail, for possible collection into some kind of helpful book for T's and clients alike? A badly needed REAL - not theorectical junk - training manual. That is just one idea I get when my heart is (more often) breaking - or sometimes rejoicing - reading posts where the process has been bad, good, great, and all shades in between.
I'm thinking of stuff like this because I think - for you and me - we need as many places as possible to focus - to point ourselves toward and just take one step, two steps....less time for rumination and going back over the exact same things. Yet allowing us to incorporate them - especially the righteous anger - into something healing anyway. That way, we're not having to say - it was all useless, all pointless and for nothing in the rest of our lives. I'm probably being incoherent, but I hope you see my heart is in the right place.
Turning bad into good, pain into wisdom, sorrow into gladness, is what it's eventually all about.
I'm encouraged to hear you feel you might feel better by Monday. Hope it's even sooner. People here (me, too!!) find you a dear, wise, supportive friend. We really do need you, okay?
Posted by Tamar on June 18, 2005, at 11:41:18
In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
Pinkeye, I'm coming late to this thread but just wanted to say I like you very much and care about you, and I'm glad you're saying you'll stay safe.
I think your ex-T was very wrong to terminate you so abruptly: he has made things so difficult for you.
I think you are right when you say he doesn’t understand emotions. At least, he doesn’t seem to have understood how you would feel when he terminated you in that way. And I think you are right to be angry with him about it. You didn’t deserve it.
I know at times it can be hard to imagine ever feeling happy again. But eventually it will get a little better and you will be able to find some hope after all the despair.
Thinking of you and sending you big hugs,
Tamar
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