![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on June 4, 2005, at 19:55:41
In my last session, I raised the stuff about how I don't understand why he won't give back the knife he took (when he knows I have another one to use anyway) and why I hate him having it so much. Why I feel like I have to get it back (when I would never use that knife again anyway 'cause it's too blunt).
He explained that he won't give it back because that is like condoning the si. That it would send a message that it is fine for me to cut.
And it made me realise that the reason I want him to hand it back so badly is because his handing it back would prove that he didn't care about me.
But isn't that exactly what I *do* want from him? For him to care about me.
In that same session, I'd also raised that there's been a lot of stuff lately that I've written/drawn for him and he doesn't mention it at all. And how upsetting I find that.
And he said something along the lines of how he has to be careful about the stuff we talk about. I know there's a fine balance between support and digging in therapy. And I know that when he digs too hard I spin off into a fog. I go away. I always have therapy amnesia, but at those times I can't even remember stuff an instant after he's said it.
I said that I didn't like the idea of him having to treat me with kid gloves. He said that's not how it is. It's more like by digging too hard it's being unnecessarily cruel and damaging. I said that I'd rather he just say it all and get it all out there. "But it wouldn't be all out there because you wouldn't remember it anyway"
So I hate the way he has to protect me.
But isn't that exactly what I *do* want from him? For him to protect me.
I hate this push/pull. It drives me crazy.
Posted by Poet on June 5, 2005, at 11:55:40
In reply to Push Pull (slight si trigger), posted by littleone on June 4, 2005, at 19:55:41
Hi Littleone,
I *do* want my T to care about me, I just can't get myself to admit it. Everytime she says she cares about me, I tell her don't. She tells me I can't control her feelings (no surprise I can't control my own either.)
Do you want the knife back as a way to feel more in control? (GOOD that you are not planning to use it!)
Digging too hard is cruel and damaging. Can your T stop pushing so hard, especially when you go into your therapy amnesia? Maybe you could remember little bits rather than big pieces?
Push/pull drives me crazy, too. Therapy drives me crazy(ier.)
Poet
Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 12:33:31
In reply to Push Pull (slight si trigger), posted by littleone on June 4, 2005, at 19:55:41
It is possible you just want to accelerate the process - by getting it all out and then throw your hands up and say it is all too much for me and go back to your old style. Many of us get comfortable with our style of living - even if that involves negative ways of living and cutting etc. And we desperately miss it and would give anything to go back to it. But the key is to try the alternative very slowly so you give yourself time to get comfortable with the new way of living before you let go of the old one. I think that is what your T is trying to - to take you slowly through the process. But you are trying to accelerate it (and I guess with the ultimate aim of saying it is all too much and revert back to your old style. Our minds tend to do that. Only being watchful would take you away from it.
Posted by littleone on June 5, 2005, at 16:10:25
In reply to Re: Push Pull (slight si trigger) » littleone, posted by Poet on June 5, 2005, at 11:55:40
> I *do* want my T to care about me, I just can't get myself to admit it. Everytime she says she cares about me, I tell her don't. She tells me I can't control her feelings (no surprise I can't control my own either.)
Oh, this made me laugh :) I too am not in control of my own feelings, but still try to control other's feelings. When it's happening it's not funny, but when you write it like this it is.
It really drives me crazy the way I yearn so badly for him to like me, to care for me, to protect me. But when he does, it drives me away. Or I try to find ways to prove he doesn't - not deliberately. It's all an unconscious thing. Sometimes I'd like to grab my unconscious and yell "What are you doing? This is crazy stuff!"
> Digging too hard is cruel and damaging. Can your T stop pushing so hard, especially when you go into your therapy amnesia? Maybe you could remember little bits rather than big pieces?But I always think that holding stuff back and keeping secrets is cruel too. Especially now that I understand that's a part of dysfunctional families. I thought being more open would be healthier. Drives me nuts. Sometimes I think therapy is just one big paradox after another.
> Push/pull drives me crazy, too. Therapy drives me crazy(ier.):) After saying it drives me crazy, I was going to put a line in my post saying "Ha! I'm already there!"
You know, sometimes I think I prefer the term crazy. My T calls his clients "patients" and I just loathe that so much. It makes me feel like I'm sick. Crazy sounds like lots more fun :)
Posted by Daisym on June 5, 2005, at 19:02:17
In reply to Push Pull (slight si trigger), posted by littleone on June 4, 2005, at 19:55:41
I think some therapists prefer patient because it goes with healing...vs. client which tends to sound a bit more business like. Mine uses patient, I use client.
For me the push/pull happens because being cared for is so loaded. I *want* him to care -- but what is the price of that caring? I *want* to believe he won't hurt me, but that hasn't been my past experience. I *want* to let myself accept his caring unconditionally, but I don't trust myself.
My therapist is very fond of saying that undoing those lessons takes a long time. You didn't get this way overnight and you can't just undo it by sheer intellect and will in a few weeks or even years.
I think while it is crazy making for us, they are very used to it and don't take it personally. It is part of the process of trusting.
Posted by Jazzed on June 5, 2005, at 21:34:33
In reply to Push Pull (slight si trigger), posted by littleone on June 4, 2005, at 19:55:41
Maybe you just need to adjust to going slower. I'm sure he'll get to all the stuff in good time. I agree that it would seem irresponsible on his part to offer you back the knife. Let it go. Let it be symbolic on your part as trusting him to guide you.
Jazzy
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.