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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34
I just taped a note, along with my rent check, to my landlord's door, telling them that I'll be moving by the end of the month, and telling them the truth about why...my eating disorder, the treatment center, my sister wanting me to stay with her out of concern, etc.
As soon as I taped it, I started to cry. Why does it feel like a "confession?" Something shameful and yucky. And I'm going to miss living in this area so much. I hope to come back up this way soon, maybe in the Fall with a roommate, but I fear once I leave things will conspire to prevent me from ever returning. And I really don't want to live with my sis and her girlfriend (I almost hope I get into this treatment center just so I can spend some time away for the summer and possibly lessen the time I live with my sis. How screwy is that?).
Then I started to think: What if this is all in my head? The crying, not eating, depression, etc. Maybe I just need to suck it up and GROW UP, and make myself find a job and support myself like everyone else? Maybe my "inability" to function right now is nothing more than my being a spoiled lazy child in an adult body? I mean, how do you know?
And I still miss my T, but it's better. I realize I needed her (or felt I needed her) too much and maybe it's better that I'm thrown "out of the nest" so-to-speak. It still hurts though and it's frighteningly scary (although the way it was done caused unnecessary pain, I think, and I'm still upset over a lot that we hadn't discussed, but again, I need to examine my own reactions and feelings and, if they are what I think they are at the end, I'm going to have to write to her at some point and share my thoughts with her, even if I never hear from her....but that's way in the future). But I still miss HER very much, and I think of her often, and what we shared, and how we never discussed it and what might have been now if we had...and I think all of that hurts so much more. And I'm so afraid she's already forgotten me, and that anything I might have meant to her in whatever way has started to become less-defined for her, like a smudged chalk drawing, and eventually time will wipe it away for her all together; that hurts the most. :-(
I just wish I knew if this "breakdown," or "hit-bottom" or whatever it is that I THINK I'm experiencing is real, or if it's just an adult-level tantrum? I feel like I should just push through it. I feel like I should just push myself to do things and deal with life, such as it is. "Get busy living or get busy dying," I guess (from The Shawshank Redemption). I have the other plan all set, written out even, step by step. Maybe I don't need any more "treatment," maybe whatever is "wrong" with me is just ME, and either I can live and function with it, or not....?
I don't know. I wish I knew that what I'm going through now is normal and real. Part of me thinks it is, considering. The therapy I've had I think has (successfully?) torn down most of my insides, and maybe the essence of who I was (or who I constructetd to protect who I was), but unfortunately it ended before anything could be rebuilt. My eating is a mess, my sleep is a mess, I'm isolating and depressed. But again, how much of that is because I'm letting it happen?
I don't know, sorry....I don't want to keep writing in circles. I just wish I knew for sure. I just wish things were different. I just wish I could talk to my T one more time.....
Thanks for reading/listening. I'm sorry for posting these silly rants of mine (I hate that I take up space, yet I let myself take up MORE space with posts like these....I feel like I annoy people with the way I am, yet, again, here I am posting a potentially annoying post.....Ack, I could drive myself nuts going back and forth and round and round like that).
Thanks everyone, just for being there.
SV
Posted by happyflower on May 30, 2005, at 18:38:32
In reply to maybe it's all in my head, posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34
>
....?
>
> I don't know. I wish I knew that what I'm going through now is normal and real. Part of me thinks it is, considering. The therapy I've had I think has (successfully?) torn down most of my insides, and maybe the essence of who I was (or who I constructetd to protect who I was), but unfortunately it ended before anything could be rebuilt.You know," Rising Violet", that I feel this way too. I have so much uginess inside that I am afraid that when it will come out, what will be left? I don't know if you read my poem on the writing board, called Scared to Feel the Pain, but it is mostly about all of this. Who am I going to be? My pain and shame is all that I have known. What if I change, will my husband not like the new me, will my kids reject me, how do I start over living with a new me? I am scared.
> I don't know, sorry....I don't want to keep writing in circles. I just wish I knew for sure. I just wish things were different. I just wish I could talk to my T one more time.....
>You might feel better if maybe you did write your T on how you are feeling. Even if she doesn't respond, I bet it might help you heal. It helps me to write down all the painful stuff, then I can really see it, then I can get rid of it all, or try to. You are such a sweet person, I bet your T thinks fondly of you, even if she will never admit it.
> Ack, I could drive myself nuts going back and forth and round and round like that).
>
>I believe I am also going in circles, I have a big session tommorrow and I am scared. Now that my T has taught me to "feel", my emotions are going in circles and I don't know how to make it stop. It was easier to stuff down my emotions. "Feeling is hard". I applaude you for your honesty and your feelings, not everyone can be honest about what they are feeling. I guess feeling is part of living, but it is so hard. I guess I am babbling too much today, so I will slow down, lol. Shrinking Violet, I think you expanded your roots(with therapy), and with a little of fertilizer (your bad feelings) will make you grow stronger. All you need now is a little of sunshine and you will be the prettiest strongest flower ever! :)>
Posted by Jazzed on May 30, 2005, at 19:04:15
In reply to maybe it's all in my head, posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
I have to read this with more thought before I respond, but I want you to know your thoughts and feelings are all valid. Don't discount yourself. I am thinking of you. I will respond when I think I can do it with more thought.You are truly cared for SV.
Jazzed
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2005, at 20:38:41
In reply to maybe it's all in my head, posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34
I think we all think that, probably often, at least sometimes.
I haven't found my efforts to soldier through all that effective. I generally just use coping strategies that aren't good for me long term in order to get through the day, short term.
You're young. Now seems the perfect time for you to learn better coping strategies. I wish I had, years ago. My life might have been a lot different.
Posted by Jazzed on May 30, 2005, at 22:07:31
In reply to maybe it's all in my head, posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34
First of all, I think that you question your inability to "suck it up", and your desire for treatment say a lot. I don't think you'd question either if you had the ability right now. I agree with Dinah, you need to learn coping strategies now, take the time to get yourself together while you're still young, so you don't waste so much time later.It's very understandable that you don't want to live with your sister and her friend. Who wants to go from their own apt. to living with a relative and no privacy. Plus, if you feel you're being taken care of, to any degree, then that's difficult to deal with too, esp. if you're dealing with depression. You want to feel like an adult, but dont' feel capable right now. That's okay, take the time you need to get there.
I can't imagine your T has forgotten you. Remember we rub off on them too. Not to the same degree we have feelings for them, but it does happen. How can they not be affected by us?
Do what you feel you need to do, your ideas all sounded reasonable. She might not feel it's appropriate to respond, but I'm sure she'll be touched in some way.I don't agree that you don't need treatment. There has to be something to make you feel better. You just haven't found the right combo yet. I hope you get into the treatment center so you can get to feeling better. You have to get some nutrition, you have to sleep, no wonder you feel depressed! Take care of yourself, don't doubt yourself. This is NOT the way it's supposed to be, and hopefully you'll get to feeling better once you're back in treatment!
You are not annoying, you're in PAIN! You're huring, and you need friends to listen and respond to you, to tell you that you're feelings are valid. Can you reach out and call your T?
I know it's scary as hell, but she can't call you, you have to make that first step.Keep us posted!
(((((((Hugs))))))
Jazzed
Posted by Jazzed on May 30, 2005, at 22:09:23
In reply to maybe it's all in my head, posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34
BTW, are you on any meds right now? Sounds like you need something to help with the mood, and something to help with the sleep. Are nights most difficult?
I felt this same way when I was younger. Have faith that it can improve. I got good therapy, and the right meds, and worked out of it. I hope it works for you too.
Jazzed
Posted by JenStar on May 30, 2005, at 23:15:06
In reply to maybe it's all in my head, posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34
hi SV,
first, you're NOT annoying! :) I don't think anyone here would think that. I hope you don't really feel that way!I thought the quote you put was interesting - something like "get busy living or get busy dying." I think that's a great insight. You mentioned several times that you might like to "suck it up" and get on with life. I guess the question is, suck WHAT up? If you're having an adult tantrum, why? What about your life is so unhappy?
I think things are all in our head, but that doesn't mean they're imaginary. I think brain chemicals and levels alter mood quite a bit.
It just sounds like you're very dissatisfied or unhappy with some aspects of your life and you want to change them. What would the "ideal life" look like for you? How far away is it? Is it within reach?
JenStar
Posted by Poet on June 1, 2005, at 19:18:10
In reply to maybe it's all in my head, posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34
((((((SV))))))
You are not annoying. You are trying to understand feelings, fears, and frustrations and letting them out here is okay. Very okay.
You are struggling to cope with many changes and decisions and it's no wonder you feel like you are going around and around in circles.
I understand coping mechanisms, all mine are physically or emotionally hurtful. Posting on babble is a way to cope, too, a positive way. So I guess not all my ways to cope are bad.
Keep posting. I promise to keep reading.
Poet
This is the end of the thread.
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