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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 22, 2005, at 18:43:11
Can that really be?
If you recall, I went into a deep depression after having to go to my birthplace for a funeral. I was triggered, suicidal, ready to crash. It alienated me from my T -- I blamed him (wrongly, I know) for my raw, exposed state and inability to handle the situation. I really should not have -- he called me when I was out of town, offered to be on the phone while I was at the cemetery, and checked on me while I was on the road.
I withdrew, as I always do, to protect myself. (Sorry I've been MIA here too.) He was persistent, and I just showed up when I returned and did very little besides quietly sob in sessions. I made a huge case for quitting -- that the overwhelm was harmful, that it made me worse, etc. I really do have a good case, but a habit of quitting. I did say I would leave responsibly, continue to see the pdoc, whatever helped him be OK with my decision.
The result was a 6 page single-spaced document outlining what I've gained from therapy, all of his insights and feelings about me, why I needed to persist. I was touched, but it wasn't enough. Another document followed -- this one was tough. I've never known my sweet, laid back, accomodating T to set any kind of rules, boundaries, etc. This document said I had to comply to a formal exiting plan including several more meetings in which I have to fully explore and explain my motivations. I cannot miss any of the sessions. If I miss, he will come looking for me, which could include him actually showing up at my house or calling 911 due to my chronic suicidal ideation. He was merciless and unyielding. He was uncharacteristically tough and said, "You're not allowed to quit under diress. You are too important to me." He also explained his heavy-handed approach as acting in my best interest and that he was protecting my wounded part from my defeatist, invalidating cynical part. In this time, I did not answer a check-in call (there was a misunderstanding on time), and he called my husband looking for me. Yes, I feel very, very cared for -- he leaves no doubt, but this has all been hurtful too.
I caved last night. He called and I was in a painful space, and we connected in such a wonderful way. I guess I was happy to have my old T back. I was so overcome that I told him I loved him (I'm super-reserved, so this was a shock to both of us), and he became very emotional and very appropriately expressed his feelings for me too. Everything melted, and I told him that I am so lost, unstable, such a mess, that I didn't want to think anymore and I wanted him to tell me what to do. I surrendered and feel better today. Last night was the last without horrible flashbacks since my travel and I attribute it totally to our connection.
I do feel emotionally battered, though, and he has taken away my easy option out of the pain. He was right, though, that if I persist through the pain, there is connection and healing on the other side. I just always lose sight of that.
Posted by LG04 on March 22, 2005, at 21:28:29
In reply to Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit, posted by Aphrodite on March 22, 2005, at 18:43:11
that's an amazing story. does it make you feel secure that he does that? (won't let you quit?). my therapist is so big on giving me as much power as possible in our relationship that if i say i am going to quit, she might call once to try to convince me not to but mostly she'll just say she respects my decision. i think if she responded like your therapist, i would feel much safer, much more "surrounded" by her somehow as in a safety net, and i wouldn't have to go back and forth all the time about should i quit or not. (i also have a hard time staying in a relationship when i've been really hurt.)
i would be so incredibly touched to get the kind of document your therapist gave you. that is a very special thing. and i do agree with him, that before someone quits, there should be a mandatory several sessions to explore why. by that time, the person probably wouldn't want to quit anymore. and if they do, it's probably the right thing.
LG04
Posted by Skittles on March 22, 2005, at 22:31:22
In reply to Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit, posted by Aphrodite on March 22, 2005, at 18:43:11
I'm sorry it has to hurt so much, but I think what your T did was wonderful and I think he was right. I wish my T felt the same way.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 22, 2005, at 23:17:17
In reply to Re: Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit » Aphrodite, posted by Skittles on March 22, 2005, at 22:31:22
Oh wow, what amazingly intense experienses you have been through lately. What an amazing T you have. I'm in awe. And I'm so glad you were able to reconnect and that you had a night free from flashbacks. I hope that continues.
(((Aphrodite))))
gg
Posted by Shortelise on March 23, 2005, at 0:29:15
In reply to Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit, posted by Aphrodite on March 22, 2005, at 18:43:11
Aphrodite,
I matters a lot to me that you are breaking through, that you are finding the strength to let yourself be cared about in a way that changes you, changes your world. I admire you, and I feel for you.
I am on the sidelines, in a little skirt and bobby socks shouting "Go Aphrodite! Yea Team!"
Hugs
ShortE
Posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 5:06:18
In reply to Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit, posted by Aphrodite on March 22, 2005, at 18:43:11
Your therapist obviously cares very much, and I think it's wonderful that his helping is seeping through to you and having a healing effect.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 23, 2005, at 6:56:49
In reply to Re: Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit » Aphrodite, posted by LG04 on March 22, 2005, at 21:28:29
> that's an amazing story. does it make you feel secure that he does that? (won't let you quit?). my therapist is so big on giving me as much power as possible in our relationship that if i say i am going to quit, she might call once to try to convince me not to but mostly she'll just say she respects my decision.
I think my T is very much like yours in general -- the first couple times I quit, he respected my autonomy and my decision while still leaving the door open. However, he came to realize that I quit during flooding and distress and that I come back only when on the verge of a major episode. I think he figured out the pattern and was afraid that I was always cutting it too close and making things worse by suffering alone.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 23, 2005, at 6:57:27
In reply to Re: Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit, posted by Aphrodite on March 23, 2005, at 6:56:49
Posted by Aphrodite on March 23, 2005, at 6:59:14
In reply to Re: Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit, posted by gardenergirl on March 22, 2005, at 23:17:17
> I'm in awe. And I'm so glad you were able to reconnect and that you had a night free from flashbacks. I hope that continues.
>I think the freedom from flashbacks is the greatest gift of all. The meds I take for it are not reliable. Those flashbacks really interfere with my functioning. Thanks!
Posted by Aphrodite on March 23, 2005, at 7:00:20
In reply to Re: Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit » Aphrodite, posted by Shortelise on March 23, 2005, at 0:29:15
>
> I am on the sidelines, in a little skirt and bobby socks shouting "Go Aphrodite! Yea Team!"
>
Thanks! I've never had a cheerleader before! I appreciate your support. I think I may be coming out of the funk. It must be those socks of yours:)
Posted by Aphrodite on March 23, 2005, at 7:01:37
In reply to Re: Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2005, at 5:06:18
> Your therapist obviously cares very much, and I think it's wonderful that his helping is seeping through to you and having a healing effect.
Thanks! It's only taken a year and half for it to start working. Sigh. What a struggle for just a couple of nights of peace. But it's certainly better than nothing.
Posted by rubenstein on March 23, 2005, at 9:26:17
In reply to Re: Apparently, it's forbidden for me to quit » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on March 23, 2005, at 7:01:37
YOur therpaist sounds great
please take care of yourself
you will get through this
I will be thinking of you
rubenstein
This is the end of the thread.
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