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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shortelise on March 19, 2005, at 12:42:31
I dreamt I was in my shrink's office with him, except he was a cross between him and the shrink I saw when hospitalised for one year 32 years ago (today is the anniversary of the date I went in and came out exactly a year later.) We were talking intensely, and I was feeling one of my oldest feelings: angry loss and helplessness in that loss. I know this feeling so well! I wanted to somehow get from him what I need, wanted to make him give it to me - to tell me I don't have to terminate, that I can stay and bring my feelings to him when I need to.
I was wearing a dress, a pale floral number - I never wear dresses - and socks - one was black and the other was white.
But he would not budge. It was ten after one, I didn't know how long I'd been there, didn't know when was time to go. He said we'd gone over, and so I started to gather my things, but changed my mind, said I didn't need them and left his office.
There were people in the waiting room, and they all looked at me.
I was walking away down the street and his receptionist came after me. I brushed her off, and walked to the ocean. There, I climbed on the rocks, high up onto a ridge of rocks that paralleled the shore in a narrow strip. I crawled along the top, so afraid, vertigo, but I kept going, trying to decide if I should just fall, but afraid of falling.
I eventually came to the end, a town. I hoped I could take a bus back as I couldn't face crawling back on the rocks.
ShortE
Posted by gardenergirl on March 19, 2005, at 19:09:04
In reply to dream, posted by Shortelise on March 19, 2005, at 12:42:31
Wow, this sounds very vivid. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with terminating with your current T?
gg
Posted by Shortelise on March 20, 2005, at 1:04:47
In reply to Re: dream » Shortelise, posted by gardenergirl on March 19, 2005, at 19:09:04
No doubt it is about termination.
I am struggling with wanting to manipulate him -- or to try to.
Ugh
SHortE
Posted by Pfinstegg on March 20, 2005, at 11:15:35
In reply to dream, posted by Shortelise on March 19, 2005, at 12:42:31
Your dream is so poignant. It seems to capture the intense feelings of loss over termination which we all have, or have had, when we've had a wonderful, meaningful relationship with a therapist- and have to leave it behind. Your struggling along the rocks, not wearing your usual clothes, feeling scared, alone, and as though you weren't sure you were able to bring the real, precious you with you when you're no longer with him- it seems as though your dream just captured the essence of this most heartbreaking,overwhelming passage in life.
From your earlier posts, I know you feel you have gained so much from your therapy experience. I think you even said a while ago something like. "watch me!". meaning, I think, that you felt you'd gain even more health and strength in the future. Is there any way to make the termination less painful? I'm not anywhere near that point yet, but my analyst has indicated that he does very gradual terminations, with "return rights" any time someone feels they need them. I'm expecting that my own will be very, very gradual, and that I'll probably always be checking in.
One of my nieces, also suffering from the Complex PTSD and csa which has run rampant in my family, has completed many years of therapy, and has grown so much- it's a joy to see how full and rewarding her life is now. (Before, it was a complete disaster) When i complimented her on all that she has accomplished, she looked at me with a twinkle in her eye, and said, "well, you know, if I start to feel overwhelmed or depressed, I can go back to my wonderful therapist for as long as I need to- but now, it's usually just a few visits, and I'm back to feeling good." She terminated about eight years ago.
Posted by Susan47 on March 20, 2005, at 12:08:48
In reply to Re: dream » Shortelise, posted by Pfinstegg on March 20, 2005, at 11:15:35
Your sister's story is inspiring, Pfinstegg, thank you so much for sharing it. What she's doing, where she's at, that's where I want to be headed as well.
I'm so incredibly sad today about the last T. I just want a hug, I want to give a hug and get one, it'll never happen, life is terrifying sometimes in its emotional cruelty.
Posted by Shortelise on March 20, 2005, at 12:47:44
In reply to Re: dream » Shortelise, posted by Pfinstegg on March 20, 2005, at 11:15:35
Thanks Pfinstegg.
I am beginning * beginning * to digest the idea of termination, beginning to be able to get past wanting to throw a tantrum. My next appointment with my T is in early April, and I have always found that the less I see him, the less I think about him. Missing him heavily last only about a week, then it settles. At times over the past six years, it has returned in waves of loneliness, of need, of all of those things we all know too well. Right now, though, I feel ok.
In that dream, I meant him to think I was going to kill myself - that was why I left all my things in his office. The threat of suicide is a huge manipulation tool with psychiatrists/therapists - they aren't willing to take chances around it. And my mind is so devious that I have found myself wondering what he would do if I killed myself, wondering so much that it occurred to me to ask him. Ha! "If you make me leave I'll kill myself." Nice, eh? I won't kill myself. Spring is here and despite some profound sadness, I'm having a pretty good time.
So, I have to live through this without reverting to trying to manipulate. It will be slow, I will insist on that. I am so curious to see how I'll feel after my next appointment with him. Will all of the hurt return in full force? And I know it's hard for him, that he doesn't like to see me suffer, and he continually explains that a good therapist, like a good parent, wants us to live independent lives.
He has said I can go back as I need to, that he'll be there for me.
What hurts most is a feeling of rejection. It's childish, comes from way deep down in the memory of my heart. My head knows it's not true, but my heart confuses it with memories.
I am glad for your niece that she has been able to crawl through the muck and get on with a good life. It takes courage and a good support system. Something tells me you're a big part of that.
Thanks again.
ShortE
Posted by Tamar on March 20, 2005, at 18:54:27
In reply to Re: dream » Pfinstegg, posted by Shortelise on March 20, 2005, at 12:47:44
> He has said I can go back as I need to, that he'll be there for me.That’s good, isn’t it? I suppose it’s a bit like having good parents who want us to be independent: they give us a safety net so we know they will still support us.
> What hurts most is a feeling of rejection. It's childish, comes from way deep down in the memory of my heart. My head knows it's not true, but my heart confuses it with memories.
I can understand that feeling! Have you talked to your T about your feelings of rejection? A sense of rejection does seem to be a very natural response to ending therapy, and usually seems to be connected to the problems we’ve been working through. I think it’s probably quite important to talk about that with your T when you’re coming up to termination.
I was struck by the motif of clothing in your dream. It seems to me (not that I’m an expert) that clothing represents the way we present ourselves and perform ourselves in the world. That’s especially interesting since other people were looking at you. Are you worried about whether you are going to be yourself? It sounds very much like a dream about needing support and trying to make it on your own. In a way, it’s good that you got to a town after crawling on the rocks: maybe you feel deep down that you are able to be yourself enough to survive. Does that make sense?
Tamar
Posted by Shortelise on March 20, 2005, at 23:34:36
In reply to Re: dream » Shortelise, posted by Tamar on March 20, 2005, at 18:54:27
Hmmm... I like the idea of clothing being how we present ourselves. So,there I was in a pale floral print dress that in reality would make me look rather like an escapee from Apalacia in the 1930's. One black sock, one white sock and no shoes.
I don't know if I am worried about being myself. I don't think so.
I am sure that the socks are about black and white thinking, and also, on another level, about the shadow self, the good and bad of me, and I worry about wearing both on the outside.
We've talked ad nauseum about rejection and I'm sure we'll talk about it some more. It makes me cry.
Thanks Tamar! More good food for thought.
ShortE
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