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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 51. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on February 18, 2005, at 15:48:15
Two days ago I thwarted another suicide attempt.
I made myself throw-up and up and up.
First given Librium at a young age, now, years later on Xanax, E-XR, thyroid med, and trazodone for sleep.
Suicide attempts began prior to E.
I am hypothesizing about the benzos ... as couple wks back up'd from klonopin to Xanax.
Three disturbing issues preceded this, Wednesday. It is Friday.
I will post as soon as get remnants of this crash in some order. cf
Posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2005, at 17:44:23
In reply to Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by corafree on February 18, 2005, at 15:48:15
Corafree,
Please take care of yourself.
We are here ready to listen when you want to talk about it.
Are you safe now?
Falls.
Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 19:47:37
In reply to Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by corafree on February 18, 2005, at 15:48:15
Have you talked to your IRL support team? You must be in a lot of pain, and you deserve some support in real life as well as, of course, here.
Posted by Speaker on February 18, 2005, at 20:39:17
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2005, at 17:44:23
Posted by Shortelise on February 18, 2005, at 23:37:59
In reply to Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by corafree on February 18, 2005, at 15:48:15
Posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 1:53:29
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 19:47:37
Posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2005, at 9:29:52
In reply to Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by corafree on February 18, 2005, at 15:48:15
Sweetie,
I'm glad you make yourself throw up. I know you have been going through such a difficult time. I imagine you have been stressed and strained to the gills. Please make sure you keep talking to people who are supportive. And keep posting. And remember, I am always just an email away.(((((cf)))))
gg
Posted by corafree on February 19, 2005, at 11:09:06
In reply to (((((Corafree))))) (nm), posted by Speaker on February 18, 2005, at 20:39:17
Thank you fallsfall.
I'm so deeply sad.
In my life it seems there is nothing I haven't done or run into.
I feel scared of everyone.
I pray to do what God would want me to do.
There is a man here ... but I have seen bad things in him. There is another one there and have seen them there also. There, in a person extending friendship, I have seen bad.
My heart is overwhelmed w/ so much sadness. I only trust my children and this safe place. Not my therapist, not right now.
My T 'rapped my knuckles', so to speak, about missing first DBT homework/group in module INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS after I'd told her it felt like mathematics and I felt very uncomfortable. Any understand?
Plan long shower and try go out today. again, cf
Posted by corafree on February 19, 2005, at 11:22:32
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2005, at 17:44:23
(((F)))
Yes, posted, closed, and saw that I had opened, think, third post.
ALIVE, one moment feel so light wind could carry me away; another moment, and I'll try stay w/ this one, feel my feet on the floor ... and that's good for now, cf
Posted by corafree on February 19, 2005, at 11:29:47
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 19:47:37
(((Dinah)))
What is an IRL team?
In my DBT, we are not allowed to have any contact w/ others in DBT re: anything negative.
Did not tell P; would not know who I was anyway.
Did not tell T in DBT. Did not tell these people what I did. I've no $ for inpatient and do not; absolutely would not; trust state with my health.
I told my daughter and she came over yesterday w/ a meal, did dishes, picked up things; and we talked.
tks cf
Posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2005, at 13:12:06
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » fallsfall, posted by corafree on February 19, 2005, at 11:22:32
>My heart is overwhelmed w/ so much sadness. I only trust my children and this safe place. Not my therapist, not right now.
>My T 'rapped my knuckles', so to speak, about missing first DBT homework/group in module INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS after I'd told her it felt like mathematics and I felt very uncomfortable. Any understand?You sound like you could use some support!
I'm sorry that your therapist's reaction felt unhelpful to you. Can you tell her how that made you feel and react? You need to have her on your side. In order to feel like she is on your side, she needs to understand what you are going through.
I did the DBT skills training. There were sections that were completely foreign to me, and other sections that seemed so easy. I guess that my upbringing taught me some of the stuff, but skipped other stuff completely. It was hard to work on the sections that seemed so strange to me (Mindfullness was - and still is- completely beyond me). But I knew that the hardest sections, the ones that didn't make sense to me, or made me react with "Yeah, right! I'm going to do that???????" were the ones that I needed the most. It reminds me of when I used to help teach ice skating, the kids (or adults...) would say "But I can't do that!" and I would reply "That is why we are working on it".
I would bet that you aren't the only one in the group who feels uncomfortable with Interpersonal Effectiveness. I think that one thing that I saw work in my DBT group was that each person would start each section wherever *they* were. And people were at all different places. As we went through a section, some people would just barely get the general idea, whereas other people were working on the finer points. But it needs to be completely acceptable for you to say "I don't understand" or "I can't in a million years imagine doing that". And then you work from there. Even if you go to the group and listen and try to get it, but all you can say is "I don't understand, but I'm trying to listen". That is all they can expect sometimes. If you listen to the other people in the group, they might say something that makes it possible for you to understand.
As adults, we aren't used to learning brand new things. It has been really hard for me to look at something and say "I don't know about this" - I expect that since I'm grown up that I should know everything. Well, duh, it doesn't work that way! It has taken a lot for me to accept myself in times when I don't understand things. And I had to accept that myself before I could admit to others that I didn't understand. And, amazingly enough, when I say that I don't understand something, people are generally very willing to go through it again and help me understand it.
I really hope that you can let your therapist and DBT therapist know what is going on with you. If you are now safe - if the danger has passed - can't you tell them what happened? So they can help you figure out how to deal with a similar situation in the future? Is there one of your professional helpers who you know really does want what is best for you? Or at least talk to us. You can't keep this all inside yourself.
>Did not tell T in DBT. Did not tell these people what I did. I've no $ for inpatient and do not; absolutely would not; trust state with my health.
You need to talk to your therapists about the fact that you are not comfortable telling them certain things. I know that is really hard to do, but it is SO important.
>I told my daughter and she came over yesterday w/ a meal, did dishes, picked up things; and we talked.
I'm glad your daughter can help you. Let us help you, too.
Posted by corafree on February 19, 2005, at 17:34:17
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2005, at 13:12:06
Managed to watch movie, eat, go outside and smoke straight up to the lady that says 'smoke is coming into her house from mine' (I smoke inside) ... but if she wants me to stand outside and let it rise right to her front door, ... am I being mean?
Have appt. @ 5, just hair wash and style, but think your caring gives me strength to go.
Keep getting out of bed, stay up as long as can, then back, so much anxiety; curl up w/ my late Dad's blanket.
Cannot reach children yet.
No, there isn't anyone who 'really knows me and cares' that I can truly trust, besides the children.
I'm sandwiched in this condo between a 'your smoke is coming in my house' lady above; and a 'guy turned bad' next to me!
I guess I'm paranoid, but I'd never hurt them, they'd never hurt me, why should I care, I know all that; still feels like I fear them.
cf
Posted by corafree on February 19, 2005, at 21:48:11
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2005, at 13:12:06
I asked my daughter to come over and spend the night w/ me. I think I'm in shock because she said 'I'm Done!' I must be in shock. I don't know what to do. I feel nothing. She must have thought this attempt was a cry for help; it was not. cf
Posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2005, at 23:45:14
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » fallsfall, posted by corafree on February 19, 2005, at 21:48:11
Cora,
It is important that you find a way to get professional help. You need to work towards being able to have resources who can help you.
Friends and family are wonderful and essential, but they do not replace the professionals. There are things that friends and family cannot do that you need. They can't do these things because they love you. I have tried to be the ultimate support for a friend, but I cannot do it - it isn't good for me, and it isn't good for her, either. You need to have someone helping you who understands what you are going through, and understands what you need to get to the other side of it.
If you are in DBT, then there should be a 24 hour phone number that you can call. DBT stresses that they want you to call so that they can help you use the skills that you are learning in the group. They know that you won't always know how to use those skills - that you will need help in figuring out what skill to use how in each situation. So they encourage you to call them when you are having trouble.
Right now you are having trouble. Please let them help you. I understand that you are scared that they can't be trusted, but in actuality, they are the people who are best able to help you. You may not always *like* the help that they give all the time, but there are reasons that they do what they do.
Have you read "Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder"? It is the text that goes with the Skills training manual for DBT. I found it really helpful in understanding what some of my own struggles were about.
I am worried about you. If you are not safe, then you need to do something to keep yourself safe. I understand that you want your daughter to keep you company, but it sounds like she is finding that a bit overwhelming. She loves you, and wants you to be OK. So, please, do what you need to do to be OK - for your daughter, if not for yourself. Either call the DBT number, or go to the hospital. Or at least make a promise that you will be OK until tomorrow. Watch a movie, go to bed, chat with a friend online.
You are reaching out (you posted here...) - please reach out to professionals who can help you.
Falls.
Posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 0:32:12
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2005, at 23:45:14
Falls - The phone # at DBT is 911. I also have chronic pain and am not entitled to receive my pain meds in any of the hospitals that I know of ... I've gone through this before. I tried to get into one that I know of that has a detox unit where prescriptions can be dispensed, pain meds - narcotics; then you spend your days attending behav. health unit, just get your meds at detox unit. But when I call re: this problem, I get the run around. I will try call CONTACT again, for about the 3rd time in a couple years ... all other times beds full at this particular center, and the person who answers is confused re: pain med dispensation. I'll be paying $800.00 out of my SSD of $800 for the rest of this year and into next. There are no behav.health/chronic pain ctrs. and if there were I could not afford them. Thank you so much. I know you are right. It's just not so easy when I have to deal w/ chronic pain - well, it's impossible ... cf
Posted by gardenergirl on February 20, 2005, at 6:51:26
In reply to Re: (((((Corafree))))) » Speaker, posted by corafree on February 19, 2005, at 11:09:06
I do understand, cf. I've been using some of the DBT skills modules with clients, and I feel embarrassed sometimes that they seem very simple. I try to keep reminding myself and the clients that these are skills to be *built*, and some of the foundation stuff maybe stuff they already know, but we have to lay the foundation anyway.
I'm sorry your T came down hard. I suppose maybe she was concerned that this might become a pattern and she wanted to nip this in the bud?
Or is she a nun? ;-) (sorry, Catholic school image)
Take care. Is your family still around, or did they return home?
gg
Posted by fallsfall on February 20, 2005, at 9:31:43
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » fallsfall, posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 0:32:12
I'm sorry that your DBT program doesn't have an emergency phone number. Calling 911 is *not* the same.
In my area, there is a therapy organization that has a 24 hour number called "Emergency Services". This is the same group that sends a therapist to the hospital if you go to the ER. Anyone can call this number - whether you get therapy from them or not. They can talk to you on the phone a little and give you suggestions, rather than just send an ambulance to pick you up. Is there any such thing in your area?
I think you need to discuss with your therapist the fact that you don't have a reasonable emergency plan. Knowing what to do in an emergency is a critical part of a safety plan. If you have no options, then you have no safety plan. Please work with your therapist to figure out what makes sense for you and your situation.
How are you doing today?
Posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 16:35:54
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 20, 2005, at 9:31:43
I called my State insurer's behavioral health organization. While speaking with a woman about my situation, two policemen woke up my section of six part condominium complex. You know, they pound on the door, push on it, then shine a flashlight, and start speaking loudly. I quickly asked them to please be quiet as my neighbors, I feel, are very nosey.
It's alright; guess I didn't use the correct wording in speaking on the phone. She must have felt that I was currently giving thought to harm myself.
I am still tired.
The BIG PROBLEM here is as follows:
I have chronic back pain and have a prescription for Percocet three times a day.
I live in one of biggest cities in United States. The woman I spoke with did not know of ANY unit that would allow me to take my narcotic. She said I would just have to go and find out. Some of you may know how that goes.
A day or so w/o maintenance Percocet and I would be in certain withdrawal.
There are some centers in the states that treat both, but I live alone, on Social Security Disability alone.
thankyousoforlookingoutforme ((F))
cf
Posted by B2chica on February 20, 2005, at 18:24:41
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » fallsfall, posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 16:35:54
Cf,
i am so sorry to hear you in so much pain (physically and emotionally). i am very glad it was 'thwarted'. good for you. you are strong.
please hang in there, help IS out there.
please keep us posted.
b2c.
Posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 21:23:47
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by B2chica on February 20, 2005, at 18:24:41
I hope you are right ((B2chica)).
No interest in my physical or emotional health; my family of origin, and now, at my utter devastation, MY OWN CHILDREN; BREAKS MY HEART.
This site really is keeping me going. I'm wiped out. I don't know what I'd do w/o it.
I haven't rec'd a call from anyone this long weekend, getting dark, starting to feel bad again. I really am wondering what to do now.
I don't think we have exchanged posts before ... appreciated, especially under such circumstance.
cf
Posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 21:27:38
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 19:47:37
Hey again Dinah.
Did you answer and I missed it? See I am repeating myself here and there.
The IRL team? (IRL?) You will not hurt my feelings if there is something that I am not receiving w/ my therapy, that maybe I need.
againthanks, cf
Posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 21:40:45
In reply to Re: (((((Corafree))))) » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on February 20, 2005, at 6:51:26
Oh gg; Sun eve and feeling bad.
My mother spoke w/ me just a minute at my call two eves back. She started to talk down to me and I hung up on her. If she says something negative about me personally, I wouldn't be able to forget it.
She owns three properties here. One was my Dad's. It is in a 55+ park, a single wide. At this particular community, when I've been there, no one even comes out of their houses!
Today, as I was listening to classic rock; I don't think I'd fit in gg!!
See, the thing is, she bought it, she didn't like it, plainly wasn't good enough for her, and then my Dad bought it from her, but of course it is hers now.
When I called her, I said pls help me w/ some security mother; crying after Raina (my daughter and sweetest supporter) had just told me 'No more!'
I/m afraid my daughter, Raina, and her husband blame me for an early miscarriage a couple mos back.
GG, believe me, I don't know why, but I don't look my age, look early 40s ... pls don't think I'm being vain ... it's just weird - maybe because I haven't laughed enough in my life!
I am scared to feel I'm being put out to pasture.
(((((((gg))))))
I know you'll forgive my verbage, punctuation, etc.
You're the best. cf
Posted by fallsfall on February 20, 2005, at 22:26:18
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » fallsfall, posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 16:35:54
You can call the places to find out where you can be properly taken care of. I am certainly not advocating that you get admitted somewhere and *then* find out if you can take the Percocet. Clearly any benefits for your mental health would be undermined by the physical issues if you cannot continue the Percocet. I have to believe that there are places that can help you. Perhaps if you found a Partial Hospitalization program - where you would be home in the evenings, but have support during the day - you could be in charge of your own medications but still get the emotional help you need? I don't know. But somebody does. You could call your local NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill), perhaps they would know of a resource. Certainly ask every therapist and psychiatrist you meet with.
It is so clear that you want help. Your determination will be an invaluable resource.
Hoping you can find the answer,
Falls.P.S. IRL = In Real Life - meaning real people in your life, not online people
Posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 22:57:39
In reply to Re: (((((Corafree))))) » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 21:40:45
i'm so sorry you are going thru this period. i thought i had read a long time ago that you were in phoenix. if that is indeed where you are phoenix has a program called "Access' which i believe is fairly all inclusive for lower income individuals. just thought i'd throw that out there just in case you live there.
ana
Posted by corafree on February 21, 2005, at 8:00:24
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 20, 2005, at 22:26:18
Great ideas/explanation.
I do know of some partial hospitalization programs, and will give NAMI a call.
As far as IRL peeps (Where have I not been?), taking time to try properly express and/or correct myself is not one of my better skills. So, not a lot of 'IRL' going on here, and that brings interpersonal effectiveness to mind.
Maybe while reviewing my people skills, I'll rely on my determination to carry me forward.
Thank you so very much, cf
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