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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on February 17, 2005, at 20:41:37
For those of you who've followed this mini-drama....I had my third date with the second woman last night (after basically -- although not perfectly -- ending things with the first woman on Sunday). It was a little disappointing. She was kind of distant physically. Like when I kissed her. And I didn't know why. She explained that she wasn't feeling well (female problems) but that she still wanted me to sleep over. So I did. We mostly talked, mostly about sex, and we laughed a lot. So, despite my disappointment about the sex part, it was pretty fun. But there was a hard part. I felt too vulnerable and needy, I think.
And today, I'm feeling horribly depressed. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she had so much nice stuff, and such a nice apartment, and she has a career, and basically seems to have her sh*t together, and it made me feel incredibly inferior. I know this sounds silly but it's really upsetting and poisoning my hopes about her. I *really* like her though.
And now she's going out of town and I'm feeling bad about myself and depressed and lonely, and there's this other woman who really, really likes me and wants to see me. How can I say no? I feel very scared and insecure, and I feel like this would make me feel less vulnerable, if I sleep with the first woman and remind myself of how *she* was making me feel (which was: uneasy but also very good about myself). I think it would really make me feel safer. I feel too scared. (I also really *like* #1, don't get me wrong. Don't think I'm a total *ssh*le.)
I'm so confused. I'm a wreck. I think I might also be getting sick.
Help?
Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2005, at 23:38:15
In reply to Dating update (help?), posted by crushedout on February 17, 2005, at 20:41:37
But I know nothing of relationships. I've been with the same guy for a quarter century.
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 0:39:44
In reply to Dating update (help?), posted by crushedout on February 17, 2005, at 20:41:37
This is so not good. Third date and look how intimate you already are, I mean, sweetie, no wonder you feel so upset about her lifestyle, you've exposed your vulnerable self to her physically in some ways, certainly emotionally, and you don't really know who she is yet. How can you trust her to accept you? Don't beat up the relationship by getting intimate too fast, it's maybe bad advice and I hope I didn't offend you but it is after all only just my opinion. ((Crushedout)) I'm watching your drama unfold, thank you for letting us in on it, I'm giving you lots of psychic support.
Posted by anastasia56 on February 18, 2005, at 6:25:24
In reply to Re: Dating update (help?) » crushedout, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 0:39:44
this may sound a bit glib but i don't mean it to be. people do the dating around thing all the time...going out with two until they decide who they want to settle down with. so although i completely understand how you would like to come to some decision regarding these two women, it really is very early in the game, so to speak. why should you have to?
Posted by crushedout on February 18, 2005, at 9:48:33
In reply to Re: Dating update (help?) » crushedout, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 0:39:44
Well, you may have a point (and you certainly did not offend me). But it's not that I slept with her so much that worries me (although maybe I should do things more slowly -- I've just never been that way). It's more giving up the first woman for her that makes me feel vulnerable. And I gave up the first woman *because* I slept with her, so .... hm, I guess in a way they are related. I dunno. I can't turn back the clocks.What should I do now? I've made plans to see the first woman this weekend. 'Course she's kinda freaked out and probably doesn't trust me at this point, but, well...aiyaiyai.
Posted by sunny10 on February 18, 2005, at 9:54:40
In reply to Re: Dating update (help?), posted by anastasia56 on February 18, 2005, at 6:25:24
a completely different take on your post, but here goes...
could it be that you are mistaking her material things for her having her sh*t together "more than you"? We are all complicated way deep inside. Perhaps you are only punishing yourself by comparing yourself against her. Maybe her life isn't all sunshine and roses, either.
I think that you could be a little down on yourself right now and that could color your perceptions of what you see about her. Everyone seems so much more stable than we are when we are questioning ourselves, in my opinion...
And the girls are right. There is no commitment yet between the two of you. It is too early on.
Relax and let yourself enjoy the good things about her.
Keep us posted,
sunny10
Posted by crushedout on February 18, 2005, at 10:05:34
In reply to Re: Dating update (help?), posted by sunny10 on February 18, 2005, at 9:54:40
Thanks, sunny. Everything you say is right on. And I realize there's no commitment, that she hasn't asked me to be "faithful" to her and that I have no obligation to. I just didn't want to mess things up by "two-timing" her right off the bat, in case something *did* develop between us.
But I think that thinking that way may be making me feel too vulnerable.
And her apartment and career and "stuff," and me feeling inferior because of it, that may be a separate issue, actually. You're absolutely right that I shouldn't compare myself to her, but I do, and I feel truly horrible. My T pointed out that this probably has nothing to do with her (which is kind of what you're saying, too, I guess) and was just my own insecurity (and low self-esteem?) rearing its head.
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 10:55:17
In reply to Re: Dating update (help?) » sunny10, posted by crushedout on February 18, 2005, at 10:05:34
Low self-esteem is a devil that dogs so many of us, isn't it. It chews at our heels and eats at the fabric of our being. Slay that monster. Slay it, baby.
And see whoever you want to however many times you want to and don't worry about whether #1 trusts you, that's not the issue. Her trust is her problem, she needs to work on that herself. You haven't done anything untrustworthy, you're just trying to feel your way honestly.
Posted by sunny10 on February 18, 2005, at 11:04:55
In reply to Re: Dating update (help?), posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 10:55:17
made a great point, there!!!
Posted by gardenergirl on February 20, 2005, at 6:33:06
In reply to Re: hear,hear -listen to Susan47, she's, posted by sunny10 on February 18, 2005, at 11:04:55
crushed,
Just kick me if you don't want to hear an interpretation, 'k?But reading about your struggle with letting go of woman #1 while you are beginning with woman # 2 sounds a bit familiar to me. It reminded me of when you were beginning with a new T, but were still undecided about your old T. Is it hard for you to end relationships and let go? I know there can be a feeling of security knowing there is somebody else "waiting in the wings". But it also seems to lead to lots of confusion.
Again, just tell me to buzz off if this isn't something you are looking to hear right now.
And also, I agree with the other posters who all had wise things to say.
Take care, sweetie.
gg
Posted by crushedout on February 20, 2005, at 10:24:32
In reply to Crushed....this reminds me of...., posted by gardenergirl on February 20, 2005, at 6:33:06
Hmm, I hadn't thought of it, gg, but now that you say it, it seems glaringly obvious. I do think there's something to it - specifically, the part about it being hard to let go of someone. But beyond that, it's hard for me to think of how else the situations are similar (other than the obvious: two women, overlap, whoa! - seeing one while still technically seeing the other and then deciding to drop the first one because I don't feel like I can see both at once! ok, this is freaky).
Ok, you're definitely onto something. Thank you for your brilliant insight. Not entirely sure what to do with it, but it's something to chew on.
Posted by crushedout on February 20, 2005, at 10:37:01
In reply to Crushed....this reminds me of...., posted by gardenergirl on February 20, 2005, at 6:33:06
Crazy. Right down to the T1/T2, woman #1/woman #2. Either there's a parallel or I just go around numbering everyone.How could I not have realized this already?
I still don't know what any of it means.
This is the end of the thread.
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