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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on February 18, 2005, at 3:27:32
Anyone read any of Jennifer Weiner's stuff? She's one of the best fiction writers out there, IMHO. She's got a line in her latest book, "Little Earthquakes" that I can really identify with. Something about how just when you think everything's secure, you get shaken up. And how there are fault lines everywhere, even though we can't see.
It's 1am, and I'm up, pondering how things are going to go from here, and how I'm going to get through. I had a moment of incredible weakness about 5pm today, wanting to call my T (who I guess is no longer my T??? I don't know) and just hear her voice. But I talked myself out of it (maybe she's eating dinner, etc). Will I cave in and call tomorrow? Who knows. I want to give myself permission (she said it would be okay) but I'm torn between being stoic and being dependent.
I didn't realize how dependent on her I really was until I got that call from her on Monday. I'm so afraid. And angry too. At her, at my school, at anyone who had anything to do with this. And I feel absolutely cheated. It's SO NOT FAIR. I get SO JEALOUS when I read about people getting to stay with a T for YEARS as opposed to the 8 crappy months I got with T1, and the 4 months I got with T2. I'm sorry guys, but it's true. Who decided that I'm so strong that I can bear this?? Who decided that I don't deserve stability??
I'm mad at T1, too, for no apparent reason except that he left me as well. And he ENCOURAGED me to go back to treatment, and this is what happened!!! SO WHAT if he didn't know what was going to happen. He shouldn't have left me in the first place!!! I still NEEDED him.
I feel so utterly lost. What do I do now? Helplessness is such a horrible thing. I will be helpless in this meeting I attend with the VP, because after all, the damage has been done. All she has to do is sit there and make like she cares and then when I leave, it won't matter. Because the damage is done! Why am I even doing this? I'm so scared they are going to tell me that this is my T's fault, or that I should just find another T, that they won't understand and that it'll be like talking to my dad all over again. I'm afraid I'll cry. I can't cry, whatever I do.
At least I still have a recording of T2's voice on my machine. I wish I had one of T1, or even his voice mail. God, I feel so cheated! I feel like I'm regressing back into grief for him. Does he think about me? Does he wonder how my treatment is going? Would he want to know what a disaster it turned out to be?
Posted by LG04 on February 18, 2005, at 4:35:54
In reply to Little Earthquakes (Life Sucks Eggs), posted by messadivoce on February 18, 2005, at 3:27:32
i too am awake, at 4 a.m., but for no good reason.
i feel so much for you.
calling your therapist2 is not being dependent AT ALL. it is OBJECTIVELY not being dependent. you had a relationship with this person, an intimate one. and you had one phone call from her to tell you that she is leaving...there is not a person in the world who would say that is adequate. OF COURSE you want to speak with her again. if nothing else, then for closure. you are a human being, not a robot.
i encourage you not to hold back from calling. that's just adding to the damage and hurting yourself more. it's the one thing you do have control over right now. you can call her. she said it's okay. it's too much to end the relationship with a sudden phone call. it's not about being stoic vs. dependent. it's about treating yourself with the respect you deserve. clear and simple. it's about being human.
and maybe you two can figure out a way to meet several times to do some processing, a place to express your feelings about this, and an attempt at an appropriate ending. maybe in a small room in the library or somewhere public but yet where there is privacy. can you afford to pay her? if not, maybe she'll work something out with you.
don't leave it like this. it's not good for you. it's not a healthy way to end. i'm sure she knows that. it's not good for her either! therapists also need closure. she sounded upset when she called you, remember? i'm sure this doesn't feel good or right to her either. but therapists generally don't call clients. it's a boundary thing. we call them. call her and ask her in what ways she is able to be available to you right now. meetings, phone calls, emails, what are your options? there are always options. right now you feel totally powerless. but there are options. find out what they are.
i don't know anything about therapist1, how it ended or anything. but if calling him feels like a real option, then consider that too.
i would really push the people at the meeting to provide a means for you to have closure with your therapist. it is truly their responsibility to make sure you receive this. it should have been a part of their plan to begin with. they needed to plan for all contigencies, with their students as top priority. and if they refuse, go to the next higher up. write a letter to the school paper about it or call the paper so a reporter can do a story on it. i am sure the health services will not want publicity on this. getting the media involved can be very effective.
pretend this is happening to a close friend. what would you advise that person? maybe that will help you. i am so hard on myself but with others, i am much more gentle and kind, which is how i should be with myself. are you that way? if so, pretend this was happening to a fellow Babbler. what would you suggest?
the jealousy makes complete sense. good for you for getting it out. anything you feel makes sense. it's such a triggering situation. and anger, well i am furious and it's not even happening to me. you are right. it's not fair.
take extra extra good care of yourself right now.
hope you can go to sleep, it's real important right now to get enough sleep. being overtired will multiply your emotions by 1,000. play some soothing music, take a hot bath, light a candle, anything to calm your thoughts enough so that you can sleep.thinking about you,
LG04
Posted by sunny10 on February 18, 2005, at 10:03:00
In reply to Re: Little Earthquakes (Life Sucks Eggs) » messadivoce, posted by LG04 on February 18, 2005, at 4:35:54
I agree with LG04. Go ahead and call. T gave you permission herself, right?
Another thing you might want to think about to help yourself is to ask T whether she is going into private practice. If she is, and you cannot afford her rates, perhaps she can refer you to a colleague who works within your coverage parameters.
A referral is usually a better match than looking someone up in the phonebook or getting assigned a new T.
She may not have a referral. That will be disappointing. But you will have tried and will not feel as helpless as you would if you simply let things happen to you. I did that, let things happen to me and didn't advocate at all for myself. Doing nothing made me feel even worse than hearing "no".
Just my 2 cents, feel free to ignore me if it doesn't feel right for you. What works for me doesn't always work for everyone else...
-sunny10
Posted by messadivoce on February 19, 2005, at 2:04:37
In reply to Re: Little Earthquakes (Life Sucks Eggs), posted by sunny10 on February 18, 2005, at 10:03:00
As I said in an above post, I broke down and called today. She seemed glad to hear from me. I asked about seeing her again and she told me that she wasn't sure of the rules about seeing clients when a T doesn't even have formal practice. She said that if the two of us were to meet, it would have to be "legitimate and professional." So from that I take it that we cannot just meet for coffee. Which is good and bad, I guess. I don't know if I'll get closure, but at the same time, her boundaries are still there.
She told me that other people have inquired about seeing her privately, and she is going to look into the details of having her own practice. She said, laughing (so good to hear her laugh!), "Well, I need to put some energy towards a job search anyway!"
It has been suggested to me that I start over with a new university T. However, I am 2 months from graduating with a degree, so I'd hardly get in there, and we'd be done. I know I could not spill everything again right away to a new person, it takes me a long time. Right now I'm just trying to take an hour at a time.
Posted by mair on February 19, 2005, at 6:34:59
In reply to My T, private practice, etc, posted by messadivoce on February 19, 2005, at 2:04:37
I'm really glad you called her. Regardless of the circumstances around her leaving, it sounds as if she wants to do the right thing for you and maybe some of her other ex clients.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 7:33:44
In reply to My T, private practice, etc, posted by messadivoce on February 19, 2005, at 2:04:37
There are probably some legal things she needs to take care of to see patients privately, but if she can manage it, I can understand your desire to do that rather then start all over with so little time remaining. At least you'd have a proper termination process.
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 19, 2005, at 16:57:18
In reply to Little Earthquakes (Life Sucks Eggs), posted by messadivoce on February 18, 2005, at 3:27:32
> Anyone read any of Jennifer Weiner's stuff? She's one of the best fiction writers out there, IMHO. She's got a line in her latest book, "Little Earthquakes" that I can really identify with...
I'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature at this site:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon
The first time anyone refers to a book, movie, or music without using this option, I post this to try to make sure he or she at least knows about it. It's just an option, though, and doesn't *have* to be used. If people *choose* not to use it, I'd be interested why not, but I'd like that redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks!
Bob
Posted by messadivoce on February 19, 2005, at 17:11:26
In reply to Re: double double quotes » messadivoce, posted by Dr. Bob on February 19, 2005, at 16:57:18
This is the end of the thread.
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