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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 11:51:58
I shared my little epiphany with my T on Sat. I would have thought it would have given us much to talk about, but we hit a dead-end pretty quickly.
As a bit of backstory, I have maternal issues. I have trouble having any sort of relationship with women without longing for something more. It's led me to some pretty bad places over the years. Who my T is lends itself really well to this sort of transference. She's just at the right age and all that.
I shared this and she encouraged me to long for her. That's really confusing for me. It's kind of like offering a thirsty person water and then telling them they can't have it. I can't figure out any other reason for this other than she knows she can control our relationship so that's things don't get out of control and she would rather I long for her than someone else that might lead me to another bad place. That's all I got.
I've been dealing with this my whole life and now that I know why I long for these women, it hasn't helped as much as I would have hoped. I want to find the "off" button, but I guess there isn't one.
Posted by Speaker on February 15, 2005, at 15:30:01
In reply to Longing for my T, posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 11:51:58
I don't have any insight for you but I do know how hard it is to long for someone. I'm sorry this is so difficult for you! Take care of yourself.
Posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 16:50:02
In reply to Longing for my T, posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 11:51:58
There is no magic switch on/off for these feelings. It was build over years of thoughts and feelings and it will take some time to resolve. All you can do now, is try to understand the motives behind why you are doing it, and try to see if it works for you now, and if it doesn't, what correct behaviour you can now learn to minimise the impact. But what she is doing is right. The whole therapy model is supposed to recreate a scenario for you and to help you go through it once more wiht a different outcome. I had trouble relating to men and my experience with my therapist has resolved a lot of the conflict for me - mostly through recreating (unintentionally it happened for me) and living through it again and being able to learn with confidence that the other party is commited to letting you learn and help you. I have to say, my relationship with my husband is much better now, because of my relationship with my therapist (ex).
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 16:52:43
In reply to Longing for my T, posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 11:51:58
Your T might be trying to encourage trust in the relationship, trust in her, but pushing it a bit too fast for you. Maybe tell her exactly what you're thinking and feeling about what she says to you?
Posted by Dinah on February 15, 2005, at 17:40:32
In reply to Longing for my T, posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 11:51:58
In my experience, my therapist giving me permission to have such an intense attachment to him lessened the intensity. Sort of like how you cling to something that's pulling away or out of grasp more than you do to something that you know will be there to cling to.
Maybe that's your therapist's experience as well.
Posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 22:41:37
In reply to Longing for my T, posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 11:51:58
Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful respones. There was some things in there I hadn't even considered. I didn't feel that she was doing anything wrong, I mean within the bounds of the relationship. It just feels wrong. I know that, and I guess we're going to have to work through that. Thanks again, you guys rock!
Posted by daisym on February 15, 2005, at 23:42:05
In reply to Re: Longing for my T, posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 22:41:37
This is such a tough thing to struggle with. We talk about it in therapy over and over again. I say, "it feels wrong" -- he says, "who is that talking?"
For me, I know that the longing is about a rescue fantasy that can't happen. The attachment feels wrong because it leaves me vulnerable to another potential hurt. But I also know that the attachment has been absolutely necessary to go as deep as we have.
I'm glad she has allowed your attachment and met your longing with such openness. Too often we hear about therapists who get nervous about these feelings and shut clients down or worse, transfer them.
I guess the next question is what to do with this longing. I'll be interested to see what she recommends for you.
Posted by thewrite1 on February 16, 2005, at 10:17:37
In reply to Re: Longing for my T » thewrite1, posted by daisym on February 15, 2005, at 23:42:05
Yeah, I have no fears about her bolting on me. I've tried pretty much everything to make her do that, and it hasn't happened yet. I'm thankful that I got such a great T. I've read about some of the other problems people have had and I don't know if I'd have been able to push forward in those situations.
Posted by LG04 on February 17, 2005, at 1:40:53
In reply to Re: Longing for my T » daisym, posted by thewrite1 on February 16, 2005, at 10:17:37
i know exactly what you are talking about. i had so many unhealthy, actually excruciatingly painful relationships with certain people in my life b/c i'd develop intense transference/longing for them and of course they had no idea how to handle it and it always ended in disaster. these relationships were so painful for me.
with my current/ex-therapist, i developed the same kind of longing/transference. for the first time, i was actually able to discuss these feelings with the person i was having transference with, and at the same time knowing she would keep me safe, not hurt me, and help me understand where they come from. she wasn't freaked out by them and she understood that the feelings aren't really about her. the place to work it out is in therapy, not with untrained people. it's too intense.
it's still painful of course to have these feelings of longing/transference towards my therapist, no matter what, or no matter to whom they are directed, the feelings are painful. but at least i have hope that i can work it thru with her and not have it keep happening again and again in "real" life. and having the longing for her keeps my other relationships more healthy b/c all the longing is directed towards her and not others.
this is what both my therapist and my friends tell me when i say, "i can't do this anymore. it hurts too much to have these feelings." they encourage me to stick with it b/c the feelings are inside of ME and they will simply get directed toward someone else if not my therapist. and since the safest place to direct them is towards my therapist, i need to try to keep with it and hope it will eventually subside if we talk about it enough and i let the feelings out finally.
good luck. it's hard work but they say it's worth it. i sure hope so.
LG04
Posted by thewrite1 on February 19, 2005, at 11:09:37
In reply to Re: Longing for my T » thewrite1, posted by LG04 on February 17, 2005, at 1:40:53
Thanks so much for your reply. I understand that's how it's supposed to work. I just wish it didn't make me feel so bad, with the shame and the "This is wrong" feelings. I guess that's all part of working it out, though.
This is the end of the thread.
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