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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
I'm reading "The Road Less Travelled", and Dr Peck says that for talk therapy to be successful, patients must be completely open and honest about themselves and their experiences to their therapist. There are parts of my past I don't ever want to revisit, much less reveal. It makes me thing I'm just wasting my time and money in therapy, given that I'm never going to talk about it. Has anyone else ever run into this situation? Is it possible to get *ANY* benefit from therapy if you're not willing to be 100% open and honest?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2005, at 20:40:17
In reply to is complete honesty essential?, posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
You might feel that way now...
But you might change your mind over time.
You might come to see that talking about it with someone could help.
And that you trust them enough to be able to talk about it with them.Complete honesty is probably the ideal...
But it can take a while to want to get there...
And then it can take a while to get there...I find there are degrees of stuff I don't want to talk about. Some of it I think 'no way' and some of it I just find Very Uncomfortable. If I share a little tiny bit of the Very Uncomfortable then it doesn't feel so Very uncomfortable any more. I think trust is something that comes over time. if little risks turn out okay then bigger risks can seem smaller. Does that make sense?
Posted by namaste on February 11, 2005, at 20:41:23
In reply to is complete honesty essential?, posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
I opened some doors and it was too painful. So me and and my T closed them for now. you will be open when you are ready. Though I think you need to be honest. When an issue is difficult for me, it is always better to have the strength to talk, Ts have heard it all!
Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 20:42:55
In reply to is complete honesty essential?, posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
Does it have any bearing on the issues you're working with now? Does it have an ongoing negative impact on your life?
If the issues you don't wish to be honest with are causing you a problem, obviously it would be better to work on being comfortable enough to share them so they can become part of your therapy.
If the past is past, if they have no bearing on your issues today, if they truly aren't affecting you, then that might be different.
I have one thing that I won't mention to my therapist. It's nothing that concerns my therapy, I have no real problem with it, my husband knows and has no real problem with it. The only reason it's important is that I don't want to mention it. But my overall feeling is that it's ok not to mention it. And I've been honest about not mentioning it. Or maybe not revealing it. Clearly I've mentioned that it exists.
Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 21:01:07
In reply to is complete honesty essential?, posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
Of course you should continue with therapy even if you are not 100% honest. I feel it would be better if you can be 100 % honest, but if not, that should be fine - if you can get meaningful work done with the rest of the issues. But do try to be as honest as possible with other issues.. that is why you are going there for - to show the real you. No point in faking that one. You get plenty of other people and oppurtunities to fake in life.
If that one thing you are leaving out is going to impact the rest, it might be better to open it after you get comfortable enough with your therapist - if you ever feel like it. Of course that is what they are for - to be able to tell anything and everything without feeling ashamed, guilty, need to please etc.
> I'm reading "The Road Less Travelled", and Dr Peck says that for talk therapy to be successful, patients must be completely open and honest about themselves and their experiences to their therapist. There are parts of my past I don't ever want to revisit, much less reveal. It makes me thing I'm just wasting my time and money in therapy, given that I'm never going to talk about it. Has anyone else ever run into this situation? Is it possible to get *ANY* benefit from therapy if you're not willing to be 100% open and honest?
>
Posted by Shortelise on February 11, 2005, at 22:12:23
In reply to is complete honesty essential?, posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
There is a chldhood series of events that I have never shared with my T, and I never will, but therapy has been terrifically helpful anyway. My T knows there is this thing, and the only time I have had a dissociative episode is when he pressed me a little about it.
Nope, I am not going there. It was bad, but I feel so much better that it no longers hurts.
ShortE
Posted by daisym on February 12, 2005, at 0:18:49
In reply to is complete honesty essential?, posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
I agree with everyone else -- you can benefit from therapy if the thing you don't want to talk about isn't the issue you are working on. Basic CBT concepts basically say, the past is the past. Deal with the present.
BUT...it occurs to me that it takes an enormous amount of energy to avoid something and this energy might be best used elsewhere. And the fact that you are worrying about it means it lives below the surface and is present enough to pull at you. So, perhaps instead of telling yourself "never" you could put it "over there" and see if it becomes important at some point to talk about. Sometimes we keep wishing someone would recognize something in us that we just can't bring ourselves to tell. This is what happened with me, in my therapy. I was surprised that it came up at all, and shocked that I actually needed to talk about it.
Is this something really in your past, or is it just so hard to talk about that you get overwhelmed?
Posted by gardenergirl on February 12, 2005, at 8:56:19
In reply to Re: is complete honesty essential? » DustBuster, posted by daisym on February 12, 2005, at 0:18:49
I think you could talk to you therapist about how there is something that you don't feel comfortable sharing. Talking about not talking about something can be very helpful. I found it helpful to me in deciding whether I wanted to share something, whether it likely would be helpful to share it, and to alert my T that his response would be important to me, so he had to be "on his toes" so to speak. This conversation could also help you to know how your T values honesty and openness.
I would try talking about it from this angle and see what happens. You can still choose to keep it to yourself. Your T has to respect that, in my opinion.
Good luck,
gg
Posted by Pfinstegg on February 12, 2005, at 11:06:59
In reply to Re: is complete honesty essential?, posted by gardenergirl on February 12, 2005, at 8:56:19
i think WE benefit most if we are as honest as possible. In analysis, you do make a commitment to say everything that comes to mind; there are often things that I feel unable to say that we talk *about*- why they are so hard, etc. But I eventually always end up saying them, and I feel I benefit tremendously from working through the guilt, fear, shame which made them hard to talk about in the first place.
So, I guess the ideal goal, probably never totally realized, is to say *everything* Then, there is the *unconsvious* (newly acquired, of course, in my case!) No-one is ever going to get all of that out , but, to the extent that you can get even some of it out, it's even MORE helpful. The only way one can do that is to really let go.
Posted by Aphrodite on February 12, 2005, at 11:29:09
In reply to is complete honesty essential?, posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
I have talked to my T about this very subject, and he is of the opinion that it isn't always necessary to be a complete open book. I am reserved and private, and therapy is a completely new experience for me in talking about myself so much. So, my T believes that I need to keep some things to myself because I feel more comfortable that way. Too much disclosure for me could cause a completely opposite reaction and cause me to run and/or be retraumatized. He is very patient about this and does not push me beyond what he thinks I can handle.
In addition, my T is trained in EMDR and other alternative therapies (hypnosis, energy therapies) and in EMDR philosophy, there is a protocol that as you process something, you do not have to completely relive the details. You can keep that to yourself during EMDR and only report on the emotional words ("This thing I'm thinking of causes me despair.") and the bodily sensations that go along with it ("I feel a tightness in my chest when I think of this thing.") Doing so feels like enough, at least for me. There is a lot of research about trauma therapy, most notably by Bessel van der Kolk, which says that talking about traumatic events in explicit detail can cause retraumatization. There is a movement to do things like EMDR that process the event without having to fully disclose and relive. I do believe I am one of those people easily retraumatized by disclosing, so these techniques are very helpful for me.
Having said that, there are some things that my T feels like need to be "said" in order to be processed and healed. We pick and choose these things. In order to be able to handle that *at all* I have to be hypnotized. That is really the only way for me as I am nervous and a bit high strung;) During hypnosis, which I always completely remember, he does resource installation in which we do visual imagery to bury the sadness and anxiety sometimes in the sand, or in a box in a closet, or something like that before he brings me fully back to the present.
Just thought I'd share some of the alternatives to full disclosure because it is a problem for me in therapy, and I think we're finding good ways around that defensive mechanism I have to keep things to myself.
Posted by Pfinstegg on February 12, 2005, at 11:56:24
In reply to some other alternatives . . . » DustBuster, posted by Aphrodite on February 12, 2005, at 11:29:09
Yes, you are right. There is definitely such a thing as being re-traumatized by telling in too much detail, or, I guess especially, with too much painful emotion. I think I forgot about that! My analyst is extremely gentle and patient, and I think he really trusts me not to talk about things before I'm ready- and himself not to push..Still, all the alternative things which your therapist does sound really good. You can express what feels safe- both detail and emotion-and benefit. Then, later, if you feel safer, you might express more. Sorry for forgetting about that!
Posted by Aphrodite on February 12, 2005, at 12:15:33
In reply to Re: some other alternatives . . . » Aphrodite, posted by Pfinstegg on February 12, 2005, at 11:56:24
Oh, I hope you did not take my post as criticism. I completely understand and agree with what you and your analyst do. I was just suggesting some other things if that didn't feel right for DustBuster. Additionally, I, like you, have frequent contact with my therapist, which helps with disclosing hard things. I don't know the original poster's therapy style or schedule, but I think it would be very difficult to disclose such hard things and have to wait a week to be able to process the aftermath. In that case, perhaps some of the alternatives may be more beneficial.
I think it's a case by case thing. I am definitely working toward being able to say more in session, but I have had to be able to have self-soothing and other support in place to do so. To that end, I've reluctantly begun meds which I have to say have helped with sleep and flashbacks, meditation, which helps me be alone with my thoughts, and yoga which keeps me centered in my body and helps in helping with where the trauma is stored in my body. Talking, then, has become more managable but still not easy or natural for me at all.
Posted by Daisym on February 12, 2005, at 13:17:45
In reply to Re: some other alternatives . . . » Pfinstegg, posted by Aphrodite on February 12, 2005, at 12:15:33
I think my therapist has described it this way: If you *remember* something and don't disclose due to fear or anxiety or worry about how the other person will hear it, then you are essentially keeping another secret. This is, of course, applicable to abuse victims. We talked about emotional abandonment yesterday. If I keep things from him, (like I did my mother), the fact that he *doesn't* know really doesn't matter to my younger self. In her state of attachment, she thinks he *should* know...so if I don't tell him what I'm thinking about, I'm re-enacting. It is complicated but it makes sense. I think I shared that he told me last week, "you need to tell the stories and have someone help you hold all of this. I want to be that someone." It was exactly the right way to say it.
All that said, he doesn't push, except to call me on self-editing. I open my mouth and close it, or stop in the middle of a sentence and he will say, "what were you going to say...or....finish that...or it's OK, go ahead and tell me."
I think it is pretty well documented in trauma recovery that if you don't eventually tell the stories, your body continues to hold them. EMDR tells the stories in a different way, I think. But I think they are still being told.
Again -- I'm not saying every little thing needs to be told to your therapist. Past transgressions, etc. But if you are holding it back, then it is a good sign it is important.
Posted by namaste on February 12, 2005, at 14:30:23
In reply to Re: some other alternatives . . ., posted by Daisym on February 12, 2005, at 13:17:45
My T and I opened a few doors of child trauma and it was very painful so we shut them again which was OK with both of us but now I know how hard those feelings are and I can appreciate how they affect me today. Same with spousal abuse, we don't really have to go there, we can stay in the present. My T says I will share when I am ready if I want to.
Posted by DustBuster on February 12, 2005, at 15:33:27
In reply to Re: some other alternatives . . ., posted by namaste on February 12, 2005, at 14:30:23
Thanks everyone, for all of your answers. You've answered my basic question, and I will stay in therapy. You've all helped me a great deal, and I really appreciate it.
Posted by Angela2 on February 14, 2005, at 15:23:34
In reply to is complete honesty essential?, posted by DustBuster on February 11, 2005, at 20:32:35
I think you should be able to open up when you are ready. If you are not having conflict involving that now, it doesn't make sense that you'd have to talk about it now. Other people will probably say something diff...
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