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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jonh kimble on February 4, 2005, at 0:03:53
For years I havent been living at all because im so caught up in feeling shameful. For example the other night I asked somebody if they could sharpen a pencil for me as they were next to it and they laughed at me just a bit, and right there, all my motivation, joy, self esteem was sucked out of me as I hung my head in shame, SHAME!!!!!!! I have to be perfect all the time. I know this is wrong but I have no idea what to do about it. im not living! i cant talk to anybody, im so friggin nervous, i seriously cant carry on a conversation at all and tonight in my dorm i just got a job to make sure the halls are clean and these guys playing ping pong after hours said "oh well put it away, dont worry." Like a wimp (tho I was terrified) I said ok and sure enough they didnt put it away. Im a @%!$ doormat, no one talks to me unless its out of pity. I feel like I just have to be a complete a#$hole just to live a normal life, or i dont want to live at all. Please anybody share your thoughts
Posted by mair on February 4, 2005, at 6:10:42
In reply to self sacrificing, shame, shyness, posted by jonh kimble on February 4, 2005, at 0:03:53
John
You know that very few of us see ourselves as others see us. Your notion that people only talk to you out of a sense of pity may be skewed.
On the other hand, you seem to be struggliing with the fact that what your own thinking about yourself is so different from how you might be presenting yourself to other people. So you might be able to act like it's ok for these guys to say they'll pick up after themselves, when you're really feeling like a doormat for letting them take advantage of you. (I hope I'm not being presumptuous here) I think trying to live a divided self puts a huge amount of pressure on you and does lead to shame. I think the shame comes because so much of what you're feeling and thinking about yourself gets played out in your head only and never gets expressed. When this happens you not only deny yourself the opportunity for alot of positive feedback, but also give yourself too many opportunities to place a negative cast on everything you say and do. It's what I call living inside my head, a state with which I'm all too familiar.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about this stuff? I'm assuming there's a counselling service at your school. If you're not talking to someone, I think it would really help you on alot of different levels. Being able to express some of what you're feeling to someone else will reduce your sense of isolation, and your sense of shame might also be reduced if you have the perspective of someone with a more detached perspective. I know it's probably not easy to even think about sharing some of what's going on in your head. I don't know about you, but I cycle around to being ashamed of my shame so there are so many layers that have to get peeled off to get to the heart of things.
BTW, has this gotten worse since you went away to school?
mair
Posted by Dinah on February 4, 2005, at 10:25:07
In reply to self sacrificing, shame, shyness, posted by jonh kimble on February 4, 2005, at 0:03:53
Shame has been a major shaping force in my life as well. And it continues to be.
I wish I had the answer but I'm just slogging away with my therapist trying to catch onto something that will mean something to me.
Do you have a therapist to slog away with?
Posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 19:41:45
In reply to self sacrificing, shame, shyness, posted by jonh kimble on February 4, 2005, at 0:03:53
Maybe you could start with an anti-depressant, if you're not already on one, to make you see there's a better side to living, and counselling with someone you trust, or therapy, to get a better view on things. It doesn't sound like any of your feelings of shame are based on anything outside of yourself. People snicker and are rude all the time, you can't take it personally, it's anathema to your soul. Don't let your soul be destroyed by the thoughtlessness of others. Young people and very old people can be especially immature. Don't take it to heart. You're much better than they know.
This is the end of the thread.
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