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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
That's exactly, but EXACTLY, how I feel today.
The only way I can keep feeling hope is to keep toking up .. does twice a day, one joint a day, make me an addict? Anyone?
PLUS (so I don't get redirected by you-know-who) why am I the person who only always looks at the surface of things? Why can't I just read a book from cover to cover, instead of glancing through and going "I don't understand this anymore) at a certain point and giving up. And I HATE the way I look lately. I spent so much of my life thinking my looks mattered, even though I'm not the prettiest girl, I always tried to Feel pretty, you know... clean, well-presented, makeup hair, stylish, stuff like that. Now I can't seem to get my mojo back, I need to have the headset plugged in listening to croony music full blast and I'm not working because god darn it I don't really WANT to work right now I want to spend days and days and days just analyzing myself and talking to my T who's scared of me or thinks I'm just a silly little nothing idiot and why should it matter that I'm crying so much these days and whenI'm not crying I'm wailing deep down inside where it's just Unreachable, it's unreachable I can't get it but I need to keep trying, why oh WHY do I need to keep trying to grab it and pull it up, it keeps sinking into the goo god D*mn it it keeps being sucked back into the mass the icky black gunk of something I can't get at I just can't get at it I NEED To get it because I WANT a life, a real live d*amn LIFE d*mn it.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:58:28
In reply to Addicted, Ignorant and just plain Stupid, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
I'm going nuts. Is this the drug? It cannot be that, it doesn't explain the life depression, today it hit me, the magic number three just showed itself and I saw myself, fat little girl, I was the fattest baby, and I was really homely. Very homely. Very fat, huge pinchy cheeks huge brown eyes tiny little smile mouth.. big fat curl on the forehead .. but worried, so very very worried, so crying and frowning and getting quiet. Quiet, quiet, quieter all the time. I just can't keep it in anymore. I'm so lucky that I can type fast....
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:59:38
In reply to Re: Addicted, Ignorant and just plain Stupid, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:58:28
I need you to read this with me, I need you to understand it, I need to know I'm not alone here. Please don't let me be alone here. Where are you? I'll take anybody right now, please, anybody....
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:00:27
In reply to I NEED you here., posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:59:38
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:08:35
In reply to Addicted, Ignorant and just plain Stupid, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
when I was seeing my T, Friday night was always the night I would lose it completely. It was like the weekend was here he was gone forever I lost him he died i'm alone now there's no reason to live how can i get him back? it's partly that and more it's more, it's about doing it all in private, the tears and the ugliness and the fear all contained in here my small apartment...i always wanted him here, always wanted him with me....
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:12:05
In reply to Addicted, Ignorant and just plain Stupid, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
because so much has happened this week, inside me, and he needs to validate it all for me, he makes my life worth living because he reflects it all back to me, sunny you were right, he said I defeated myself, he said that too, I set myself up he said, for failure...i don't remember what it was about, what it seems to have been a theme of some kind...and sometimes I lose it, the music changes, and I have to wait to have it come back, sunny you were right, it's a cycle, it's a cycle and i don't really Want to stop it, because it works, it's working for me right now in my life and i've learned coping skills to keep it contained, it doesn't interfere too much with my week,...
Posted by ghost on January 28, 2005, at 20:13:10
In reply to Friday night. What is it about Fridaynight *trig*, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:08:35
fridays are bad for me too. friday was the day i went to the hospital.
friday nights, most fridays there's a sort of amusing show on ampedout.net (click "listen")...you need winamp or itunes to hear it.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:16:05
In reply to Addicted, Ignorant and just plain Stupid, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
Hah, hilarious. I hope nobody minds my stream of consciousness but I need this so much, I need this to keep it going because I want to get it out, all this shite that makes me someone I don't want to be, someone hurt and wounded all the time and needing to learn to love, learn to be touched, as I used to touch you, I used to run my hands lightly over your stomach you would close your eyes and just feel.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:18:34
In reply to Addicted, Ignorant and just plain Stupid, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
Thank you so much, you sweet thing, you. You little devil, you ghost you.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:23:05
In reply to Addicted, Ignorant and just plain Stupid, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
I mean I feel like i could paint and draw and just dance expressively like Duncan all day all day and all night with the scarves, and the romance and then feel silly the next day, like i'd done something wrong, but it's not wrong. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be an Artist. And nothing else.
And maybe not having much, to show for it all, in the end.
Except your integrity, that you did the best you could, even if nobody else liked it.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:29:16
In reply to Addicted, Ignorant and just plain Stupid, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
into something new. Better keep out of the booze cupboard it depresses you next morning and you have a hospital tour to do, funny it's the one for the funny ones, like you.
Honest, something honest, something good because it's honest and sweet and not hurtful nor rude ..
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:31:02
In reply to This could be a song called Sunny10 *TRIGGER*, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:16:05
No trigger, that was a boyfriend, or two, in the beginning, when I still had a heart to give.
Posted by sunny10 on January 31, 2005, at 11:16:01
In reply to Re: This could be a song called Sunny10No, no tri*, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:31:02
you still Do have a heart, a great,big, hurting one right now, that's all (that's all- what a stupid phrase, hunh?!?)
Use that big heart and love YOU right now, sweetie!
-Sunny-delighted to have a song named for me-10
This is the end of the thread.
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