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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Skittles on December 30, 2004, at 0:22:18
I was telling my T today how exhausted I am from keeping up my facade and how I am not looking forward to my upcoming trip because we will be with family all the time and the facade must be constantly maintained. She said she's glad I'm tired of it because she doesn't think it's a very good idea.
But I think she completely misunderstood what I was getting at. My point was that with shopping, the holidays, and my upcoming trip there is no alone time and it's exhausting to keep up that facade for such a long time. Especially since I'm used to staying home pretty much all the time. It never occurred to me to do away with the facade completely.
Frankly, I can't even fathom the possibility. Well, I guess I *can* but it doesn't seem like an appealing option. First of all, being more genuine or transparent would lead to questions from the people in my life who think they deserve answers, but really don't. Second, the real me is absolutely no fun to be with. No one would hang around with her for long.
The thought of telling any of the people in my life exactly what is going on with me is a paralyzing prospect. Is it really necessary? I feel like I need the facade for self-preservation and privacy.
Posted by messadivoce on December 30, 2004, at 2:09:46
In reply to Facade, posted by Skittles on December 30, 2004, at 0:22:18
Yes I know what you are talking about. My family dynamics have always been such that I have had to conceil my feelings somewhat. My family doesn't get my depression and don't deal well with it at all...plus I feel like a stick in the mud when everyone else is happy. I coped with it by telling them I was stressed out (which was true, being with them sometimes stresses me out) and that I was just feeling low energy. I don't think it's neccessary to reveal the details if you don't want because they are such personal, private matters. For me it was hard enough to talk to my T. I couldn't even begin to summarize to others what was going on with me. People will just have to deal with you not being super happy and especially that the holidays have past, people tend to get sort of down anyway, don't they? I wish I could be more helpful. I hope you are able to find some time alone during your trip and that you are able to do some fun things even if the people you are with drive you crazy. ;-)
Posted by cubic_me on January 1, 2005, at 16:31:21
In reply to Facade, posted by Skittles on December 30, 2004, at 0:22:18
Skittles, I completely understand where you are coming from - I think many of us here feel we have to put on a facarde, at least some of the time. When I discussed it with my T she said that some defence mechanisms like this are ok, while some are unhealthy - she always told me that we have these defences for a reason, and we shouldn't have to break them unless we feel ready - this really made sense to me.
I too need 'alone time', which can be really difficult to get, especially this time of year. I usually make up some excuse to be alone for a little while, especially when I'm with my parents as they don't know anything about my depression etc.
Like you say, you feel that people around you would get fed up with the 'real' you, but I don't think that is totally true. I have told a trusted few about what has been going on with me, and it has brought us much much closer. I still put on the happy face sometimes, but not for so long that it really hurts or does me damage.
Take care of yourself first, ok. I hope the next few weeks are ok for you.
cubic
Posted by Camille Dumont on January 3, 2005, at 21:04:48
In reply to Facade, posted by Skittles on December 30, 2004, at 0:22:18
Skittles, you are not alone feeling like that. For years I've put up a facade and told people what they wanted to hear, did what they expected me to do and it made me feel like a fraud and empty and meaningless.
I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was somehow defective, until I found out that I have SPD and its just the way I'm built. I need some time alone ... in fact LOTS of time alone and being with people except perhaps my boyfriend is always tough.
The holidays are horrible for this. All those parties, all that forced interaction with people you don't care about and yet that you have to be nice with because they're "family".
Frankly, even with lots of therapy I haven't been able to be true with my family and maybe thats ok ... maybe they wouldn't be able to take who I really am ... maybe it would hurt their feelings ... so instead I try to not feel guilty about putting up a facade. Its my protection, my way of dealing with things and its ok to protect yourself.
I'm also learning the fine art of training people not to bother me (phone, asking me to visit, etc.) and finding ways out of those nasty family affairs that I loathe so much. Its also ok to make vague excuses like "sorry, I have something planned" ... people don't need to know ... in fact its none of their business if what you have planned is going out or just staying in bed reading a book.
Think of yourself ... you are the most important person to you ... and if not you probably should be. Protect yourself ... find the armor that will suit you and then maybe you can find ways to accomodate the needs of others.
Sometimes its very healthy to be a bit selfish.
This is the end of the thread.
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