Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 423224

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I explained / complained via email...(long)

Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2004, at 0:49:39

I sent my p-doc the following email:

'Hey. I am sorry about my last email. I have calmed down a bit now. I have been thinking about whether (all things considered) I would prefer to keep seeing you (and accept the situation) or not; and about whether it is best for me to keep seeing you or not, and well, I have decided that I would like to keep working with you if you aren't sick to death of me by now.

There are a lot of things that are hard for me though. When you are really late (mostly when I see you in hospital). When it takes you quite a while to organise a new script. When your pager or cell go off in sessions and you take those. When I arrive to find out that we aren't going to have a session after all. When you change session times so much. When there doesn't seem to me to be any progress on the Ashburn situation at all after however many months. That I can only see you fortnightly (if that). I try really hard to be understanding about all those things because I do understand that you are really busy. But emotionally it is hard anyway. And that last time really got to me a lot when you didn't even apologise and all that other stuff suddenly didn't seem so understandable anymore. I am also pretty stressed at the moment with ...[stuff].

None of that stuff that bugs me is going to change. I realise that. I have to accept it or lump it. But if I lump it then I suppose that it is likely that I'll spin out in the near future and then I'll have to see you as an inpatient at any rate.

So I am not happy about quite a number of things.
But after thinking hard about how I should handle this, I realise that our relationship is more important to me.
But yes, I will get mad at times.'

He said that they were all good points. That he had no excuse. And that he was sorry. WOW!!!

Then (and this was even more suprising to me)

He said he wouldn't bring his cell & pager any more.
He said we can move to weekly sessions (though he is going away for a month in Jan).
He said he had done the Ashburn report and I'll know within 2 weeks.
He gave my email address to the receptionist (trying to get a message to me by cell is verrrry unreliable)
He scheduled me later in the day (turns out most of his latenesses was when court ran over time)
And he has promised to give me prior notice of change in times.
And that I don't have to go up to hospital to see him anymore (which I really hate)
That he's faxed a script for a 3 month (instead of one month) supply to the pharmacy.

Golly gee, no wonder he's so busy :-)

 

Re: I explained / complained via email...(long) » alexandra_k

Posted by Bent on December 2, 2004, at 7:00:53

In reply to I explained / complained via email...(long), posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2004, at 0:49:39

Wow, that's so great. I think this is such a good example of what can come from being honest with our therapists...not that I am very good at it or anything! :) Good job. It sounds like your T values your relationship with him and that's always good to know.

 

Re: I explained / complained via email...(long)

Posted by partlycloudy on December 2, 2004, at 9:45:34

In reply to I explained / complained via email...(long), posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2004, at 0:49:39

What an effective message - and your p-doc sounds like he is up to the challenge. I'm proud of you, alexandra.

 

Re: I explained / complained via email...(long)

Posted by Daisym on December 2, 2004, at 11:45:05

In reply to Re: I explained / complained via email...(long), posted by partlycloudy on December 2, 2004, at 9:45:34

You go girl!!

I think what you said needed to be said and you were very polite about what you needed and thought. And I think he rose to the occasion admirably.

Good for you.

 

Re: I explained / complained via email...(long) » alexandra_k

Posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 14:22:22

In reply to I explained / complained via email...(long), posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2004, at 0:49:39

Hooray! Wonderful work on both of your parts! That's the sort of exchange that can really lead to relationship building.

Oooohhhh, I love good therapy stories. :))))

 

Re: I explained / complained via email...(long)

Posted by Poet on December 2, 2004, at 16:45:23

In reply to I explained / complained via email...(long), posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2004, at 0:49:39

Hi Alexandra k,

Fantastic. Your email covered your needs and issues and your pdoc responded to all of them. In a postive way.

Sounds like your pdoc realizes he was in error and is going to put your needs first as much as he can.

Poet

 

Re: I explained / complained via email...(long) » alexandra_k

Posted by Aphrodite on December 2, 2004, at 19:47:26

In reply to I explained / complained via email...(long), posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2004, at 0:49:39

I'm so glad you spoke up! He was probably well-meaning; he just didn't realize how his behavior was inappropriate until you pointed it out. How do you feel now?

 

Thanks everyone!

Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2004, at 0:27:23

In reply to Re: I explained / complained via email...(long) » alexandra_k, posted by Aphrodite on December 2, 2004, at 19:47:26

Thanks Dinah for your suggestion of a mature way to handle this :-)

That email was okay, but I have to admit that I sent him two borderline abusive and very sarcastic emails before that :-(

I was very pleased at the outcome. It really was much much better than I expected. I had numbed myself real good before I went to see him and he did seem to notice that something was a bit different about how I was acting.

Now what the hard thing for me to do is going to be putting those hurts behind me and moving on and not holding them against him.

I feel a bit like I humiliated / degraded myself by saying that despite all that I still wanted to see him even if none of it changed. But he did respond in the best possible way with apologising and attempting to do somehting practical to show me that he was genuinely sorry. He also took great pains to address every point that I brought up.

I have two weeks to forgive.
It is hard because I do feel numb now because of all that stuff. Especially because when I brought up some abuse stuff he didn't see me for a month. Rationally, I have moved on. But emotionally I am afraid of him and afraid of opening myself up again. I think that the only thing that may fix that is time.

But I need to make a special effort not to numb myself for the next session. And not to confuse him with abandonments and abuses of the past.

 

Belated good job! (nm) » alexandra_k

Posted by gardenergirl on December 3, 2004, at 0:41:53

In reply to Thanks everyone!, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2004, at 0:27:23

 

Re: Thanks everyone! » alexandra_k

Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 12:36:05

In reply to Thanks everyone!, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2004, at 0:27:23

That's a hard thing to do, to let go, and to not confuse current hurts with past ones. I have trouble with it.

But you did a courageous thing, not a weak one. Please try to reframe it that way. :) Just imagine how much easier it would have been *not* to do that.

And he did everything someone should do in that situation. He apologized, accepted responsibility, and took steps to minimize future offenses.

I know it's still hard...


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