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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 0:22:49
Well, after waiting over an hour for my p-doc to show up for our last appointment he finally responds to my emailed query as to what happened with 'the receptionist was supposed to contact you. I will get her to email you'. I hear nothing from her for several days so I email him again to request a new script and to request that he tell me himself if he can't make it and tell me himself if he wants to reschedule.
He emails me back with a message that he has scheduled me in on the 2nd for 3.00. So: My last appointment was cancelled and my next appointment has moved from 2.00 to 3.00. I only see him fortnightly and so the cancellation means I don't see him for a month. Well that is just bloody great - after our last session brought up all this stuff for me and I had even told him that.
I am so F'd off.
I am so tempted to not go to the next appointment and when he emails me about it reply 'well gee, I guess my secretary didn't manage to get in touch with your receptionist'.
I am sick of feeling like a dog who insists on hanging around to be fed any crumbs of care or attention that people can be bothered throwing my way.
I am so mad.
Posted by mandinka on November 24, 2004, at 1:15:13
In reply to majorly F'd off, posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 0:22:49
Can you talk to him over the phone if he cannot meet you face to face?
Posted by dawnfawn on November 24, 2004, at 13:29:28
In reply to majorly F'd off, posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 0:22:49
You may like to see my comments on lateness and therapy. I would switch therapists, that is outrageous it is a total lack of concern or humanity. I don't know what is going on these days with therapists. Who or what do they think they are??
Posted by pegasus on November 24, 2004, at 13:37:07
In reply to majorly F'd off, posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 0:22:49
Well, I certainly don't blame you for being F'd off. I would be too. In fact, this would be a major issue in therapy, that would need to be worked out in several sessions of therapy. Plus I would demand an apology. It's just fundamentally not ok.
I know you're in a bit of a stuck place, therapywise. I hope you don't feel that you have to accept this type of thing from him, though. You really deserve much better.
pegasus
Posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 16:51:08
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off, posted by pegasus on November 24, 2004, at 13:37:07
Thank you all for your support and understanding. I just wrote him an email telling him that I found some of his behaviour to be disrespectful and distressing and that I am not prepared to tolerate it any more. Basically, I told him he could shove it. I am sick of clinicians thinking they can treat me however they like just because there is nobody else who will work with me.
I will probably lose both my therapists over this. However, at the moment I am just too damn mad to care.
Nobody deserves to be treated like this - not even me.
Posted by Poet on November 24, 2004, at 18:27:33
In reply to majorly F'd off, posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 0:22:49
Hi Alexandra,
I think emailing him was a smart idea. I hope that he understands why you are angry and talks about it in your next session. Which better be on time as scheduled.
You have a right to be mad. Your time is just as valuable as his and you deserve a seven course meal, not a few crumbs.
Poet
Posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 19:08:05
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off » alexandra_k, posted by Poet on November 24, 2004, at 18:27:33
I wasn't planning on attending any more sessions... But then I suppose that is cutting off ones nose to spite ones face rather. He better respond with an apology at the very least, however.
I shall wait and see how he responds.
But I shall try not to expect any response at all (even less a peace making one) so as not to be too disappointed.
Thanks.
Posted by Daisym on November 24, 2004, at 23:26:08
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off » Poet, posted by alexandra_k on November 24, 2004, at 19:08:05
I'm sorry this happened and I would be angry too. I'm glad you emailed him and "spoke" your mind. Now, can you put it aside and have a nice Thanksgiving?
Let us know what happens.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2004, at 19:06:54
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off » alexandra_k, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2004, at 23:26:08
Okay, now that my anger has abated (a little)... Does any one have any idea what the (or at least a) mature thing for me to do would be?
I have found myself checking my email rather frequently for a response... and I am getting more and more anxious...
What do I really want? An apology. For him to see that he is responsible for contacting me to cancel and to stop trying to shift that. Yes, I want more of his time. But now I am worrying that I'll have scared him away for good. I mean, he only took me on because nobody else would and when I am ungrateful... well, maybe he is just thinking 'stuff ya then'.
I feel all sad now. What have I done?
Posted by Dinah on November 26, 2004, at 7:11:10
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off, posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2004, at 19:06:54
Well, I'm not too good at identifying the "mature" thing to do. I think I'm only pretending to be a grownup. So maybe this is a scared little girl thing to do.
But when I have these sort of situations, I assess the relationship as a whole and decide whether I'm better off without or with someone (that old Ann Landers test is amazingly sensible). If someone has screwed up, no matter how royally, but the relationship is valuable to me, I work with them on what happened. Even if they refuse to bend, I usually accept it. But if it happens too often, I end up emotionally divorcing them and then decide the relationship isn't worth it.
Has this sort of thing happened often? Is it an important relationship to you?
My therapist has any number of personal flaws, not least of which is chronic lateness and disorganization. So I expect that if I arrive a minute over the hour, he is entitled to stop the session at ten till. But I also know he's not likely to show up until ten after and we'll go fifty minutes from there. I also know there will be times that he forgets to turn off his cell time and I'll be interrupted mid-emote by a ring and his subsequent turning off of the ringer, accompanied by some surreptitious peeking at who called.
I talk to him honestly about how what he's done makes me feel, and if there's something he can do to correct it, I might suggest it.
So can you email him and tell him how difficult it was for you, and ask if there isn't some way you can see him sooner? If you think the relationship is worthwhile, of course.
I'm not sure you can expect an apologetic reply, unless your therapist happens to be Daisy's. Usually when I expect that sort of thing, I just end up angrier.
I think maybe it's that awkward therapy balance again. On the one hand, it is a professional relationship, and if they behave less than perfectly, we start thinking about service expectations from a provider. But it's also a relationship. And on the relationship side of it, I think it can be a good place to practice all the inevitable compromise and disappointments that occur in any long term relationship.
Or at least in mine. :)
Posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2004, at 14:51:53
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on November 26, 2004, at 7:11:10
Oh thank you Dinah, that sounds very sensible (and mature!) indeed. I think I am better off with him and I honestly believe that he means well even though some of his behaviour infuriates me.
He is chronically late if we have an appointment at the hospital. About half an hour to an hour late kind of late. I am understanding about that because I understand how busy he is and how likely it is that all sorts of emergency / crisis situations turn up unexpectedly. When we meet in the community he is generally on time - so long as he turns up at all. Usually I get a phonecall once I have arrived to see him and he isn't there. He apologises for this. I always have to put up with him being paged and cell phoned. Sometimes he will just leave the room to have a conversation - no matter where I am at at the time. But once again I am good about this becuase I try really hard to be understanding. He has never just not turned up and not contacted me before. And I guess he generally does say something apologetic about having stuffed me around. At least I say that I am understanding about all this stuff, but really it does bug me immensely at times. But I think you are right, I would rather keep seeing him. It is really hard though.
I think you are right, I should try to send him an email now that I have calmed down some.
I am so sick of this roller coaster ride of emotions...
Posted by Dinah on November 26, 2004, at 18:23:41
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2004, at 14:51:53
Hmmmm... A pattern emerges. :)
Ok, I'd be majorly annoyed myself under those circumstances. And my therapist and I have a strong enough relationship now that I would bless him out up one side and down the other for being so inconsiderate.
But if you still think that the relationship is overall better for you than not, I think it's wise to frame your displeasure in a way that the relationship can withstand. That's not ideal, of course. But it's pragmatic.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2004, at 20:57:58
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on November 26, 2004, at 18:23:41
Yeah, there is a pattern of it :-)
The reason why I try to be understanding about it is that he is an inpatient doctor. He initially only saw me for a medication review but when my therapist terminated me he offered me psychotherapy. He has two half-days a week in the community, but that is intended for a couple of follow up sessions for people who he has recently discharged who haven't been assigned a community clinician yet. He really is very busy with inpatients, and I think I am his only psychotherapy client.There are other things as well though... I email him when I am about out of medication so he can fax a script through to the pharmacy. Sometimes it takes him about a week before he gets around to doing it. He is supposed to be HURRYING UP to try to get me a place at Ashburn next year, but to the best of my knowledge we are no further ahead after three months or so. He has waded through 2 of my files, admittedly, but at this rate he won't have gotten to the end of them - even less have written a summary of them - by the END of next year.
I am only so tolerant because I do believe that he is genuinely really busy, and I do not believe that there is any malice or intention to hurt, and nobody else will work with me (oh yes, there is always that).
But my options are currently him or nothing. If I tell him where he can shove it (sorry - if I leave the situation now after having told him where he can shove it), well, then I imagine I'll probably encounter him as an inpatient myself in the near future :-(
I should tell him what is on my mind, though.
He varies in his willingness to talk about this kind of stuff. Sometimes he just says 'it is forgotten now, lets move on' which just might be a cop out...He isn't that bad, really. Actually I don't know... I don't know... Still, best to talk about it rather than burning my bridges...
Posted by peacefeline on November 28, 2004, at 0:18:49
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2004, at 20:57:58
Just an idea...I wondered if maybe his being an inpatient doctor has some bearing on this? If he doesn't normally do psychotherapy, could there be a number of concepts that he's missing, here? Once a T has been in a psychotherapy practice for awhile, they would kind of have an idea as to which behaviors cause anxiety/anger/discomfort in their patients...but if his only experience is as an inpatient doctor, his patients' expectations of him might be completely different. Still, there is no good excuse for chronic lateness, let alone not showing up at all! I don't blame you a bit for wanting an apology; and I also think Dinah's advice (better off with or without the relationship) is excellent.
I'll be really interested to hear what happens.
Susan
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