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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by College-Girl on October 7, 2004, at 15:22:12
Hi, I am in College, as my username implies, recently another student asked me to tutor her and help her with some tough concepts in a class that I was vocal enough in for her to know that I was getting the concepts. I don't know her, but we exchanged numbers and set up a time to meet in the library this past Sunday.
Come Sunday I had to call and reschedule for Monday night. No big deal, right? We met Monday night and went over all the material the class had covered since late August. After we studied, she told me something that upset me greatly. She had spent her afternoon therapy session talking about how I had abandoned her on Sunday, and how lonely she had felt consequently. I was really surprised, and told her so. She had seemed so nice and happy to reschedule. I really had had no other choice, but to reschedule the study session. I told her I was sorry that she had been sad about it. Since then she has been calling me often, trying to commit me to a weekly study night, and reminding me of the pain that was caused by my rescheduling.I was not so upset by the fact that she talked to her therapist about feeling lonely when someone rescheduled a meeting with her, but rather that she is SO attached to someone she doesn't even know. My boyfriend is surprised by how often she calls my cell phone, and I would like everyone's advice about how to GENTLY deal with this woman, whom I wouldn't mind tutoring, but whom I do not want to become entagled emotionally...
Posted by just plain jane on October 7, 2004, at 20:50:27
In reply to NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by College-Girl on October 7, 2004, at 15:22:12
Posted by mandinka on October 7, 2004, at 21:07:24
In reply to NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by College-Girl on October 7, 2004, at 15:22:12
That's serious. This level of dependancy is scary. I think you should clearly but politely let her know that you feel uncomfortable with her behavior. I suspect she has no idea that her feelings aren't really about you but past relationships. This looks like transference bigtime with her having little insight into her own motivation. Thats is dangerous. My advice - firmly and swiftly cut her off, don't take upon yourself more than you can handle. Take care of yourself, not her - know your limitations and boundaries. Listen to your feelings. I really don't like her attempts at guilt manipulation. Nasty hostility in there.
Good luck. I hope she'll let go.
Posted by shortelise on October 7, 2004, at 21:20:57
In reply to NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by College-Girl on October 7, 2004, at 15:22:12
yikes.
That is ticklish, isn't it?
Well, dearie, I think the truth might set you free, so to speak.
I would say, I need to apologize about something - I didn't mean to give you the impression that I was trying to make a friendship out of this tutoring thing. I am so busy with my part time job, and my fulls schedule at school, and my boyfriend is a big priority too. I would enjoy to tutoring you once a week if you would like, but an hour or two once a week is honestly the only thing I will have time for for the forseeable (sp?)future. We can set up a time to get together on Mondays, and then you can call me on Thursday afternoons if you have a question or two. Would that be ok? Or would you rather find someone else to help you in this class?
Try if you can to put it in positive terms, not accuse her of dumping stuff on you, but sooner try to take it on yourself - I know you didn't do anything to invite her to get so intense about you. But if you can take it on yourself, it might be easier for her. But do make it clear what your terms are, and that they are firm.
Kindness is a rarity, and you are in a position to show some kindness to someone who needs it. I really admire you.
ShortE
Posted by badhaircut on October 8, 2004, at 8:00:45
In reply to NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by College-Girl on October 7, 2004, at 15:22:12
What seems "gentle" to you may be like cocaine to her. If you say, "You're nice but stop calling," a stalker will only register that you're focusing on her. She's likely to take any attention from you as a cue to escalate. Clearly, your gut is telling you she's a threat. Listen to those warning bells: that's what they're there for.
A stalker doesn't care about your kindness; she wants you to feed her narcissistic demands for attention. It may be hard to ignore her, especially since she may increase her persistent calls for a while, but completely ignoring such a manipulative, boundary-breaking, disrespectful abuser may be the best option.
You may want to look at: http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/areyoubeingstkd.htm, which also has advice on dealing with similar threats.
Good luck.
Posted by cubic_me on October 8, 2004, at 8:08:06
In reply to NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by College-Girl on October 7, 2004, at 15:22:12
This sounds like a really difficult situation, but if you really do feel uncomfortable about being around her could you go back to your tutor and mention how she is behaving and how it is making you feel?
This sitiuation was, in part, brought about by him, so he may be able to help you out.
Good luck, and remember this is your life, and you don't have to do anything that you don't want to, however guilty she makes you feel (and you are not guilty!)
Posted by College-Girl on October 8, 2004, at 11:40:50
In reply to Re: NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by mandinka on October 7, 2004, at 21:07:24
I didn't realize it before but I did have a "gut" reaction, and I should listen to that. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, and am cautious not to let my depression keep me from cutting other people short or not giving other people a chance, but these postings have been a great help in listening to my "inner voice" Thanx :)
Posted by Angela2 on October 11, 2004, at 9:19:50
In reply to NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by College-Girl on October 7, 2004, at 15:22:12
I think you should quit tutoring her. Tell the tutoring center to find someone else.
Posted by Noodle on October 11, 2004, at 10:40:35
In reply to Re: NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by College-Girl on October 8, 2004, at 11:40:50
Hi College Girl,
I was very pleased to see so many caution you.
I have been the victim of a stalker, and your initial post sent up all of my red flags.
My experience caused me many years of fall-out from the experience of living the life required, in order to stay alive.
The good news, is I did make it through, and have not had the haunted life for some time. I no longer consider it, other than perhaps being much more aware of my surroundings that others.I did do all the right things, and went the extra mile.. it that at that time our state anti-stalking laws were weak. I became involved through no desire on my part, but the laws had to be changed, and people given more protection. The police needed laws to give them the ability to do more.
It just happened that at the time I was forced into hiding, they needed a witness in front of our state legislators, and felt my case was common enough to work, but just extreme enough to hopefully get them to sit up and listen, and change the laws. I look fairly average , so that was probably par of their choice to have me as their main witness. It worked.Rather than the 5 minutes of testimony I was told I would need to do, it turned into a half hour of questions and answers. As I walked out into the hall afterward, I was greeted by hugs and cheers, from the supporters / lawyers. The laws were changed.
But... that only means that the police have more abilities when they catch the perpetrator.Mine did end up spending a year locked away, but it took many arrests before that happened. And many more times catching him and not being arrested, only warned. Then their were all the times they did not catch him.
This cost me my job, many social contacts, though I refused to give up my home. Against the advise of law enforcement, and all of my support system. I did have to go into hiding and leave my home for an extended period of time.They do call the day they release the perpetrator from jail, and it starts over. Will he return ?
He has not yet. It has been many years, but there is still the very slight chance it could happen again. My security now is the time that has passed, and the fact that all of my friends and neighbors would still spot him in an instant. Staying right here, has become safer than hiding now.
Unfortunately, in some cases, an obituary notice is the only way to completely stop being on guard.This is the 'risk' a person faces. Weight that against trying to be 'nice', and not hurt their feelings.
So now your thinking my story is one of a relationship gone bad. ??? Nope. Those years of hell started exactly like what you are telling us happened with this gal. We were never dating and I had only spoken to him a few times. My mistake was trying to not hurt his feelings when I told him I was not interested in 'seeing him'.Perhaps they are attracted to people like us. The more vulnerable ?
Listen to your gut. Save yourself a minimum of 10 years of hell.
There are lots of other people out there to not reject or shut out. People that will treasure what you have to offer.
To any other past victims,
I did go, as a moth to the flame, and checked out the stalking site... and another that had a link there. They are all accurate and the advise is sound and complete.
You do NOT need to go and check... and start to unwillingly relive your past experience.I'm hoping that by typing this now, perhaps I can attempt to start closing that door again, and perhaps have been of help to someone here, that happens upon this thread.
College-Girl,
Look at it this way. If you are wrong, and she is not what we fear, you have done no harm by walking away. No harm at all.
You said she has a therapist. So she does have supervision, and access to help.
If she is just lonely. You are doing her a favor. She needs to learn better ways to make friends.Staying at mucking about in it, will only confuse the issue. Then it gets into personalties and who said what... instead of her lack of social graces or such. One lesson at a time for her may be best. The repeated sight of your back as you happen to be going the other direction is good enough.
Spend your energy on things that count. Not this.I have not had a red flag on this subject pop up in years. So please consider my attempt here as a serious warning. You are not required to speak to this person ever again... at all, for any reason.
Read those sites. They are correct.
Posted by badhaircut on October 11, 2004, at 11:02:49
In reply to Re: NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by Noodle on October 11, 2004, at 10:40:35
Posted by Noodle on October 11, 2004, at 14:14:59
In reply to Great post. What a history! (nm) » Noodle, posted by badhaircut on October 11, 2004, at 11:02:49
Ah ha !
It was you---> "stalkers site".
*lol*Thank you very much for the gift of support this morning.
I have never posted in this area before, as I am here learning. And knowing that many of us have social anxiety, paranoia, etc. I was very concerned that my response will not be taken in the way I "feel" it should be.The odds of this person turning out to be a stalker, are obviously very slim. So I did not post when I first read this question. But somehow your words College Girl, kept coming back to me.
So there we both were : not listening to our gut instinct.
Badhaircut,Yes, it is an interesting history. I am a very plain person. Most assume that alone protects us from such perpetrators. And each step along the way, I believe it would be very common to doubt one's gut instinct, and want to be kind. After all, are we not all familiar with rejection? And hopefully not getting kicked and then kicking the next one down the line, as some sort of reaction.
But being the odd one out, by entire life, I think is what made me more likely to be potentially targeted. As I always try to NOT kick the next one down the line.
Getting up the nerve to post, and possibly still have others tell me, I am uncaring, is not a comfortable place to be. But my moral and ethical self tends to prevail, even when I wish it would just leave me alone. ;)
That is how I ended up testifying, and getting these laws changed, and now others can benefit. That was about 20 years ago, and
things were much different then. So viewing the stalker sites was good for me. I see much more common sense there now, than any advice we were given back so long ago.I was just being an ordinary girl, when the whole terrible situation began. I managed to slip, unintentionally into the swift part of the stream, and was taken for a long distance.Events all seemed so unreal , the whole time it was happening. It covered two years before his jail time and then he was locked up for one year. That took some real doing, as most of them never are locked up by the police. At least not then.
It stared with the police refusing to take a report or allow me to file any charges... because women always change their mind.
Then I was not allowed to obtain a restraining order ... because you must have lived together.
The police at that time, could let a restraining order sit on the desk for years, and never bother to serve it.But I managed to fall in the right part of that fast moving current.... all along the way, other women stepped out and helped me. Each one found a way to bend a rule, just for me. Why ? I still have no idea. The terror of going to testify had to be faced, as he was still following my every move. But to not support these wonderful women, and their organizations, was unthinkable.
They had kept me safe. I was shuffled from shelter to shelter, as you must leave if you are found by the bad guy. And finally one shelter bent even that rule.( after there were no more shelters to go to, but that's not the point really)
I met a wonderful female lawyer, that took care of me through the whole thing, and wanted no compensation.
I required someone with me at all times, those entire two years.
The judge required the bad guy to be strip searched before each trial.
We had extra security required also.Even now, the trauma comes back as if it were last week. Typing this out, it all sounds so dramatic. But as each day unfolded during all of this, the only thing a person can do, is survive and do what must be done.
You get dressed, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, make phone calls to confirm all the days required "body guards", and do all the normal things a person does each day.Then, twenty years later, I write to College Girl, and any one that should happen upon this thread.
I will repeat... If you have been the victim, there is no reason to go to the sites describing the stalkers. They are correct.As far as being nice to this girl, that seems to have some type of problem. Weigh the risk and benefit. I believe the risk is too high.
I do hope some others reply also, as I am still feeling unsettled. I hope I have not offended any one, that could possibly be viewing this situation from a completely different viewpoint.
Posted by just plain jane on October 12, 2004, at 1:27:54
In reply to NEED ADVICE, PLEASE, posted by College-Girl on October 7, 2004, at 15:22:12
Just a few thoughts here (besides "RUNNNN...")
Your college should have a counseling department or psychologist, or someone to whom you can make a report to about this woman so that her behavior, and your concern about it, are documented.
Even if you have to resort to making a report to the campus safety staff or the dean of students' office, I say, do it.
Not saying you have to file a complaint, mind you, just make a report to someone and get a copy of it to prove you did. That way, if she continues to give you reason to feel uncomfortable about her behavior, you can show the evidence of history.
Also, if you can fisnd out who is her therapist, you might call her/him and give them a simple factual report, making clear you aren't complaining (unless things have already escalated by then) but simply want the T to be aware of her unwelcome behavior.
Posted by mandinka on October 12, 2004, at 3:53:23
In reply to Re: Great post. What a history! » badhaircut, posted by Noodle on October 11, 2004, at 14:14:59
This is a real nightmare you lived through. No one should go through something like that. I always wonder why innocent people pay the price of other people's problems when I hear about cases like yours.
I've been reading about stalkers and bullies. There is a brilliant webpage www.crimelibrary.com where you'll find plenty of material both on stalkers and serial killers. Warning! This is a site for people with strong nerves. Nevertheless it's very interesting and despite the upset factor of reading such alarming things, I think it's good to know about them, so you can better protect yourself.
I sincerely wish you'll have a peaceful and happy life.
Posted by mandinka on October 12, 2004, at 3:55:59
In reply to Re: NEED ADVICE, PLEASE » College-Girl, posted by just plain jane on October 12, 2004, at 1:27:54
:)
Posted by College-Girl on October 12, 2004, at 13:31:24
In reply to Re: NEED ADVICE, PLEASE » College-Girl, posted by just plain jane on October 12, 2004, at 1:27:54
So, I have had this class again and I told the girl that I don't have time to tutor her. This morning after I read Just Plain Jane's post, I decided to call the campus Public Safety office and let them know that I was worried about a fellow classmate. They were surprisingly nice and said to feel free to tell them if I felt uncomfortable in the future. Thanx all.:)
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