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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 12:40:55
I would do almost anything to see my ex-therapist right now. I hurt hurt hurt but I can't see him. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Oh god whom I don't believe in please forgive me if I've hurt him by being so maddening irresponsibile irrepressible unmotivated unkind judgmental hurtful and effusive. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:01:04
In reply to God I hurt; this is a scream and a rant be warned., posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 12:40:55
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 13:01:16
In reply to God I hurt; this is a scream and a rant be warned., posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 12:40:55
And I'm sure you've told us before and my brain like a steel sieve just doesn't remember.
But how did it happen that your therapist terminated you?
I'm truly sorry you're in so much pain. I can't even imagine how I'd feel if my therapist terminated me.
(((Susan)))
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:05:08
In reply to Re: Susan? I feel like an idiot, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 13:01:16
I needed that so much. Agh. Aghahghaghaghaghaghaghaghagh.r f
Sorry I'm bawling my eyes out and can't talk right now.
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:07:51
In reply to Oh god Dinah thanks for the hug, posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:05:08
ever have done this to him. I've made him awful, just awful.so confused I'm so confused I just want this all to be over with.
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 13:20:29
In reply to He's such a sweet person I don't know how I could, posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:07:51
You've made him awful? I don't understand, and I'd like to.
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:34:16
In reply to Re: He's such a sweet person I don't know how I could » Susan47, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 13:20:29
rejecting person who either (1) thinks my trials and tribulations are funny, so treats them cavalierly, or (2) feels like nothing he ever does is right so gives up.
So what the he**. I'm having a rough day I feel weak I phoned him at his office and he sounds like, quite normal and happy, so I'm so so so relieved about that. I was so afraid he was hating me from frustration and anger that I was this impossible wench. Ogod I don't know why I said that. What the he** is a wench anyway? A wench is a woman you don't take seriously; she's meant to have fun with only.
Omygod I see something here; I hate my f**88ing self the say I was perceived when I was a child, the way I'm so weak now, I'm so so so weak, why am I strong one day and weak the very next?>Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:35:19
In reply to I don't know, I feel like I've made him into this, posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:34:16
and I just can't seem to stop them I have to get off this frigging computer for awhile I'm hungry have to eat and have to see the banker cash in more rrsp's to pay for my education .. hah that's a laugh.
Posted by pantt on September 9, 2004, at 14:27:41
In reply to I don't know, I feel like I've made him into this, posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:34:16
Susan I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time. I do understand. Do you think he would see you again if that's what you want? He talked to you on the phone didn't he? Did he close the door for good when you stopped seeing him? What reason did he give? I don't think you should take the blame for his decisions and if you weren't able to work with him when you were seeing him do you think this new insight would make it possible now? Would you be able to take a risk and ask him if you can come back? I know I'm probably not helping but I do sympathise with your pain. I take you VERY seriously and think you deserve to be treated that way by everyone including yourself.
rejecting person who either (1) thinks my trials and tribulations are funny, so treats them cavalierly, or (2) feels like nothing he ever does is right so gives up.
> So what the he**. I'm having a rough day I feel weak I phoned him at his office and he sounds like, quite normal and happy, so I'm so so so relieved about that. I was so afraid he was hating me from frustration and anger that I was this impossible wench. Ogod I don't know why I said that. What the he** is a wench anyway? A wench is a woman you don't take seriously; she's meant to have fun with only.
> Omygod I see something here; I hate my f**88ing self the say I was perceived when I was a child, the way I'm so weak now, I'm so so so weak, why am I strong one day and weak the very next?>Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted by vwoolf on September 9, 2004, at 14:39:26
In reply to I don't know, I feel like I've made him into this, posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 13:34:16
You know, Susan, my T used a metaphor the other day to explain my desperate transference feelings towards my Pdoc, which I found very helpful and non-persecutory. You know how when baby ducklings hatch, they imprint in their brains the memory of the first moving object they see, and they then follow that object obsessively in the conviction that safety and protection are to be found there. Well, in therapy it is a bit like that, when we first begin to trust someone for the first time.
I certainly have this very basic, primitive conviction that my Pdoc can somehow hold me and protect me. Whenever the going gets rough, I start to obsess about him. The sexual angle I add in because that’s what I do with everything (i.e. add sex), but it is merely coincidental.
I find this metaphor helpful, because it explains the primordial pain I feel. This connection really hurts, in the most profound way. Like all your ooohhhhhhs and aaahhhhs. It’s not in the head at all, even though the relationship may not be real, but much, much deeper. The metaphor also helps me overcome the pain, to understand it in this way. I no longer feel guilty about it - in fact I can feel quite good and caring towards myself, and choose at the same time not to drive around near his rooms or call his answering machine.
Posted by pantt on September 9, 2004, at 15:13:06
In reply to Re: I don't know, I feel like I've made him into this, posted by vwoolf on September 9, 2004, at 14:39:26
>That's a wonderful metaphor. I'm sorry to intrude here but how do you ever resolve it and move on to real relationships with real people? Obviously no one is going to compete with that kind of feeling in everday relationship. And how can you keep from feeling like a therapy slut when you have felt like that for a series of therapists? I understand transference but I don't understand how to resolve it. As you said it is a kind of primordial emotion and it doesn't seem to respond to reasoning since it's more or less a preverbal feeling? And how can you separate out and value the "real" feelings you have about a therapist?
You know, Susan, my T used a metaphor the other day to explain my desperate transference feelings towards my Pdoc, which I found very helpful and non-persecutory. You know how when baby ducklings hatch, they imprint in their brains the memory of the first moving object they see, and they then follow that object obsessively in the conviction that safety and protection are to be found there. Well, in therapy it is a bit like that, when we first begin to trust someone for the first time.
>
> I certainly have this very basic, primitive conviction that my Pdoc can somehow hold me and protect me. Whenever the going gets rough, I start to obsess about him. The sexual angle I add in because that’s what I do with everything (i.e. add sex), but it is merely coincidental.
>
> I find this metaphor helpful, because it explains the primordial pain I feel. This connection really hurts, in the most profound way. Like all your ooohhhhhhs and aaahhhhs. It’s not in the head at all, even though the relationship may not be real, but much, much deeper. The metaphor also helps me overcome the pain, to understand it in this way. I no longer feel guilty about it - in fact I can feel quite good and caring towards myself, and choose at the same time not to drive around near his rooms or call his answering machine.
>
Posted by shortelise on September 9, 2004, at 15:36:03
In reply to questions for anyone, posted by pantt on September 9, 2004, at 15:13:06
"I understand transference but I don't understand how to resolve it."
I would love to hear other's ideas on how to resolve transference.
ShortE
Posted by shortelise on September 9, 2004, at 15:37:57
In reply to God I hurt; this is a scream and a rant be warned., posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 12:40:55
Susan, I'm sorry you feel so awful. I can't imagine how awful it must feel.
Can you get out of your house? Go for a fast, fast walk?
Sometimes if I can't cahnge what I am thinking, I change what I am doing and it helps.
((((susan)))))
ShortE
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 15:59:35
In reply to Re: I don't know, I feel like I've made him into this » Susan47, posted by pantt on September 9, 2004, at 14:27:41
I've got tears running down my stupid face again. You do understand. He was so important to me and I just gave him such a hard time. I don't know why, I just don't and now I can't go crawling back because I don't have the money to do that and I feel like my life is a stupid sh** basket full of crap. I can't live up to anybody's expectations much less my own and I'm alone and ugly and can't do anything right and ogodithurtssomuchf I'ms orry I'm posting this but thank you for understanding I just need to talk I just need to cry and talk and feel better please and thank you.
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 16:01:01
In reply to Re: I don't know, I feel like I've made him into this » Susan47, posted by pantt on September 9, 2004, at 14:27:41
strong, can you believe that? I feel like a snail. What does a snail feel like? Better than I do I'm sure. Agh i'm trying so hard not to hate myself.
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 16:04:10
In reply to questions for anyone, posted by pantt on September 9, 2004, at 15:13:06
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 16:07:57
In reply to Re: God I hurt; this is a scream and a rant be warned. » Susan47, posted by shortelise on September 9, 2004, at 15:37:57
I went for a slow walk because it's all the get up I could get up for. When I feel like this it seems like I'm living underwater. I hate this and I don't understand it and sometimes the only thing to do is get stoned. But maybe that's what causes the problem. I don't know but I do want to curl up in bed with the pillow over my head. This is horrible and thanks for the hug shortE, I needed that so much.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 9, 2004, at 18:06:58
In reply to Thanks ShortE,, posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 16:07:57
(((((Susan)))))
I'm so so sorry you are hurting like this. I dont know the specifics of your situation....but would it be possible to see your T? Or write him a letter? You mentioned you spoke with him on the phone, did anything get resolved? Please keep posting if it helps. I hope it gets better soon.
Best,
SV
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 20:25:42
In reply to Re: God I hurt...., posted by shrinking violet on September 9, 2004, at 18:06:58
I phoned and he answered; many times it's his machine; I just wanted to hear his voice. He has this voice that's something I could die with in my ear, d'you know what I mean? I mean, it's so *alive* and soothing and emotional (although I know he tries to be as steady as a brick; I read things into his voice on purpose because it excites me, it makes me feel happy and alive). I know, I'm weird.
I've written him a good-bye and thank-you letter a couple weeks ago and I just couldn't do that again. Honestly, I have nothing to say to him that he doesn't already know I'm sure. And if I'm not paying him for his time, it's not fair either. Definitely I don't think it's fair; he's in business and I'd be taking his time. It's bad enough that I phone and leave messages; now with the new *options* on his line I can at least say something, listen to it, and erase before I hang up (did this last night and it was comforting, and I hated the way I sound anyway so I'm glad he doesn't have to listen to my voice anymore).
Sometimes when I think about the burden I am, I'm filled with self-loathing but I just can't afford to feel that way so mostly I try to ignore my emotional neediness. I love that you all are here; you can read or not, you choose; it's a real comfort to me.
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 20:31:32
In reply to Re: God I hurt...., posted by shrinking violet on September 9, 2004, at 18:06:58
I'm sorry I forgot to answer it, probably because we had this nothing conversation, just me apologizing for calling on the machine and him saying it was okay. I try not to think about it too much, I just can't start because I'll obsess. I'm a counter, I mean I count all the time when things aren't going well and I just can't start that shite again; I do it when I'm trying to squelch obtrusive thoughts and a lot of those thoughts have to do with how others are probably looking down on me.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 10, 2004, at 10:17:08
In reply to Re: God I hurt.... » shrinking violet, posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 20:25:42
>> Sometimes when I think about the burden I am, I'm filled with self-loathing but I just can't afford to feel that way so mostly I try to ignore my emotional neediness.
I can relate to this sooo much. I'm so sorry this is so hard for you; I can only hope that it will get better in time. I think it will. In the meantime, if it helps to call the machine to hear him, or/and leave and then erase messages, I think it's okay since it doesn't really intrude upon him too much (especially if the messages are erased and he doesn't know you've called). I wish I could say something to make this better for you. (((((Susan)))))
Posted by Susan47 on September 10, 2004, at 13:04:13
In reply to Re: God I hurt.... » Susan47, posted by shrinking violet on September 10, 2004, at 10:17:08
I can't believe it. I couldn't access the answering machine at 6 this morning; AND he's changed the message again so his voice is not so "holding" .. he's trying to make his voice a monotone. Oh god. Oh god... I'm stripping a person of character, a person who wants something from me and I haven't a clue what, except maybe just for me to disappear. I know that's what he's always wanted. But I can't do that, I have to get better and I have children who need me and I can't be thinking about how I'm trying to work through stuff but I'm not wanted/can't go there this is shite.
Posted by Susan47 on September 10, 2004, at 13:08:21
In reply to Re: God I hurt.... » shrinking violet, posted by Susan47 on September 10, 2004, at 13:04:13
I could not phone ever again and leave a message (so that doesn't mean I won't phone just to hear his voice) if he could leave an answering message wherein he actually sounds happy? And the *options* are gone too! Oh god. I can't think about this anymore. I'm going to smoke what I should've smoked yesterday. Thanks everyone for everything. You're all really wonderful people :)
Posted by JenStar on September 10, 2004, at 16:20:56
In reply to Maybe I can work something out with him, posted by Susan47 on September 10, 2004, at 13:08:21
hi Susan,
I feel for you! I'm not sure your T is worthy of the time you spend worrying & thinking about him! I wish you could spend the same time worrying and caring for yourself, because YOU are worth that time and that amount of introspection. I hope the need to hear his voice fades soon -- your descriptions of needing to hear him seem full of pain & longing. I hope it gets better soon! :)I'm at a loss to help, but I can listen, and offer you wishes for happiness. I hope things lighten up soon. Take care.
JenStar
Posted by Susan47 on September 10, 2004, at 16:53:46
In reply to Re: Maybe I can work something out with him » Susan47, posted by JenStar on September 10, 2004, at 16:20:56
that was really useful, as usual, the darkest before....
I have to quit doing this though. I don't know how a person gets onto the other side of all this worry and insecurity without doing this though; I guess therapy is still too fresh. I remember my T telling me that it would take time to catch up to therapy. Or (sorry, prep) something to that effect. In any case I think that's what's happening. I have to admit I did do therapy the way I do everything; dive in. Well, some might see it differently.
This is the end of the thread.
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