![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
A very dear friend of mine asked me yesterday if I would mind if she worked with my therapist. I've been raving about my new therapist, and I guess it sounded interesting to her. My T specializes in some things that would be appropriate for this friend.
I told her, sure, no problem. But I think I'm feeling a little weird about it. My friend doesn't come up often in my therapy, but a few times when I was supporting her with crises in her life, I discussed the crisis with my therapist. My relationship with my new T is pretty young and still feels fragile.
Do any of you have experience with this scenario? How have you found it to affect your friendship or your relationship with your T?
pegasus
Posted by antigua on August 2, 2004, at 19:30:51
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
I wouldn't like it. I want to keep my T all to myself.
antigua
Posted by Aphrodite on August 2, 2004, at 19:49:28
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
Oddly enough, my best friend just asked for my T's name and number. I was stunned but was able to put her off for a little while. I feel selfish for not wanting to share that information, but it also would seem very, very strange. I wouldn't mind if I were finished and then she went, but as it is, I'm going to have to tell her no and not beat myself up about it because we live in a big city, and there are a ton of therapists to chose from.
It's not like sharing a dentist, y'know?
Posted by Dinah on August 2, 2004, at 19:54:45
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
I've given my therapist's name to acquaintances. I wouldn't do it for friends.
Although at the very beginning when we were strictly doing CBT, he also saw my husband, also for CBT. It didn't seem to matter at all on that level of therapy. We could have done our breathing exercises together.
Posted by LG04 on August 2, 2004, at 20:05:55
In reply to Re: Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by Dinah on August 2, 2004, at 19:54:45
I wouldn't do it either. I almost did...one of my friends asked me for my therapist's info. and I thought it over and decided it would be okay. My therapist said okay only because I said okay, and also because my friend was more of an acquaintance at the time. But after talking it over more with my therapist, I realized that it would be difficult for me. My therapist said that's totally normal and that it's very hard to share a therapist. So I went with my tail between my legs to my friend and told her I am very sorry but I changed my mind. Luckily she understood. I'm so glad now that I decided against it.
Since then, I wouldn't give anyone I know my therapist's info. I grew comfortable with telling people that I just didn't want to share my therapist. Even now that we are going to terminate, I think it would still be hard.
I have a close friend who is a therapist, and she says that she refuses to take someone if they are close to another one of her client's. It just can cause too many complicationsm and she said she feels it's her job to protect her client and be the one to say no. (unless it's co-therapy like with a spouse, or to bring in a parent for a session together, or something like that). I like her policy...it's like she is willing to be the fall guy and say no so that the client doesn't feel guilty or bad about it.
Hope that helps.
LG
Posted by pinkeye on August 2, 2004, at 20:12:06
In reply to Re: Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by Dinah on August 2, 2004, at 19:54:45
I wouldn't like to share my T with my friend. My friend once asked me and I told her that it would be better to keep this exclusive as it would help in opening up more to our T. You can try that. You can tell her that you wouldn't feel comfortable telling everything to your T if your friend also goes to the same T.
Posted by DaisyM on August 2, 2004, at 20:31:05
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
My therapist jokes that he doesn't want us comparing him! His policy is generally not to take friends of current clients, or family either. But he doesn't go around sharing his client list either so it is possible that he could be treating a friend and I wouldn't know it. As in, they might call without even asking me, imagine! Especially since he has been in practice for a long time and has a reputation.
If a friend asked me directly, I think I might say, "It's not that I'm talking about you. But it feels a little weird to me that we might run into each other either before or after a session. Besides, who am I going to complain to about her if you go too!"
On the other hand, my best friend loves her therapist and shares the name with everyone. I went and met her and it was too weird for me...not my friend. But we are very different people as far as privacy goes.
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 2, 2004, at 20:33:09
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
I agree with everyone else. It's a complication that you just don't need. Can you talk it over more fully with your T and then maybe tell your friend that you've changed your mind? I think we all want and need our therapists just for ourselves. I would not want a friend going to mine, and worrying about whether he likes her better, or she is progressing faster, etc. I even have a hard time encountering his other patients in the waiting room!
Posted by Klokka on August 2, 2004, at 20:57:32
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
None of my friends have, to my knowledge, seen my pdoc, though there was one acquaintance. I ran into her in the waiting room, and ended up seeing my pdoc give her a prescription a few moments later. I barely know her, but it was really awkward! I never talked about it with my pdoc, though, because I threw myself into the conversation to distract myself and when he watched us talking, he thought (so he said, anyway) I looked very comfortable and happy. A friend would be too much. When I saw a guidance counselor at school and a very well-liked friend of mine did also, I ended up hearing all sorts of things about preferential treatment which I did not need to at the time. That's made me paranoid about the whole deal, I think.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 2, 2004, at 21:48:25
In reply to Re: Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by Klokka on August 2, 2004, at 20:57:32
A couple of my classmates also see my T. It happened before I started seeing him, so I didn't have any say one way or another. But we actually talk about him and giggle sometimes. It's kind of nice to have someone to share with. The only weird part was when we were having office turmoil...not with each other but with a third party. I just thought he was probably tired of hearing about it. And, it's hard to know what he knows versus doesn't know...I can't always remember what I've told him.
But would I have a friend go to him? I doubt it. At school though, we don't have as many to choose from, so he may well be seing other people I know. And his student this past year was also a friend of mine. I trust him, though, that he did not discuss my case with her.
Good thread,
gg
Posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 22:07:45
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
I think you all are making a lot of sense! Thanks for helping me see that there is no reason to open that can of worms. My T is somewhat Jungian, so we get into some really personal, embarrassing stuff. And there are a lot of therapists in my community. Maybe I'll ask my T if she would recommend someone else with a similar orientation and area of expertise.
One tricky bit is that this friend has refered many of her friends (including me, once) to her current therapist. So, I'm not sure my friend will understand. I like the idea of putting it on my T.
Thanks much to everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. You are a fantastic group of people!
pegasus
Posted by sb417 on August 2, 2004, at 22:52:22
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
My present therapist does not work with friends/ aquaintances or relatives of his patients, and I'm glad he doesn't. Years ago, I had a very bad experience with a therapist who did see friends of his patients. It was disastrous. I think the best you can do in this situation is to ask your therapist to recommend a colleague for your friend.
Posted by shortelise on August 3, 2004, at 1:31:06
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
NO!
I would hate that!
Never!
I'm a selfish cow - that's my mother ... I mean therapist. MINE!
I don't imagine he would ever consent to see a friend of mine. He wouldn't dare. No no. Can't see it happening.
Sniff.
Shorte :-)
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 3, 2004, at 8:37:29
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
I have run into this situation a few times. My fault too since I always talk about what a great T he is. I am quite ashamed to admit this, but I gave his number to a good friend of mine because she is quite a bit older than I and not as pretty. Another gorgeous friend asked for his number and I had to refuse. I don't want the competition apparently. This is nothing I am proud of.
Posted by pegasus on August 3, 2004, at 15:28:17
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
Wow, it's amazing how overwhelmingly you all agree. It's really comforting, too, to hear how vehement some of you are about this issue. I thought maybe I was being a bit selfish and wimpy to care. I probably could have been persuaded to give my T's info to my friend. But now I think, why not feel a bit possessive about my therapist? It's such a personal thing, and hard enough already. Probably best to keep friends sparated from it as much as possible, so I can feel free to talk about whatever.
Thank you to everyone!
pegasus
Posted by underthecs on August 3, 2004, at 17:20:53
In reply to Anyone have a friend also work with your T?, posted by pegasus on August 2, 2004, at 17:05:17
I haven't read the other responses (yet), but
yes, I have referred a friend to my therapist. At the time, I thought I'd be okay with it, but I wasn't. Luckily it was only a short-term thing (a few sessions). I was really jealous... I mean, my therapist is MY therapist. If I don't see any other clients, then there must not be any besides me, right? :-) And I was always wondering what my friend got to "know" about my therapist that I didn't... or what she got to experience in the relationship that I didn't. And I would wonder if my T liked my friend more than me. No, I wouldn't do it again. And especially if you're in a big city, there's no reason why your friend can't find another therapist. I would ask my therapist for a referral for my friend, but I would never "share." Just my $ .02.
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 3, 2004, at 17:34:04
In reply to Re: Anyone have a friend also work with your T? » pegasus, posted by underthecs on August 3, 2004, at 17:20:53
Posted by lucy stone on August 3, 2004, at 18:20:36
In reply to Re: Anyone have a friend also work with your T? » pegasus, posted by sb417 on August 2, 2004, at 22:52:22
My T also will not work with family members or friends. He says it sets up a dual relationship. Of course, as someone said he may not know that he is doing so if it just sort of happens, that is if two people choose him without consultation with each other. When I talk about friends to him I never refer to them by name. That way if he is seeing someone I know he won't know I am talking about him/her. My husband ran into a collegue in his T's waiting room once and it was very akward. They were waiting for different Ts but he still was uncomfortable.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.