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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Bent on July 7, 2004, at 13:50:57
So I am almost half way through my therapy ‘break’ (my T went on vacation for a month), and I think I have been doing ok for the most part. I have thought about her often. It seems so strange but I have wondered what she is doing and wondered if she’s even though of me in the slightest…I doubt it. I am now beating myself up over something I did the other day. I drove by her house on purpose. I don’t know why. I know she’s not around. I have done this only a few times and she doesn’t know that I know where she lives. I feel like such a freak for doing that. Afterwards there was just this rush of thoughts…questions – is she with her family? how many kids does she have? Where did she meet her husband? I noticed a pool in the back, I wondered if they entertained guests often? I wondered about her social life? I can’t believe it, I even wondered about her sex life?? I thought a lot about her being a mother and what she might be like with her teenage children. I wonder how she acts around a little baby? I could go on and on. These thoughts make me feel like I shouldn’t be in therapy with her anymore (even though I want to be). There is so much I focus on about her life that has nothing to do with me or the reasons why I am in therapy in the first place. Maybe I should be using therapy to explore these thoughts more. We kinda know why all this transference is taking place. Mainly due to my lacking an emotionally stable mom all my life. She knows I have a strong attachment to her and we have talked about it, but I avoid details like these. I feel like not only will I be uncomfortable but also I risk making her uncomfortable (now I am looking out for my T’s feelings!! That’s backwards.) I am so afraid my intense attachment is going to be too much for her and one day she will drop me, reject me. She never indicates she would and she always welcomes my talking about my feelings towards her. One minute I miss her because she is away and has a life, the next minute I am angry, then the next minute I don’t care. Part of me cant wait until she gets back, yet part of me is dreading it. What will I talk about? I didn’t mean to go on so long, I just needed to vent. I appreciate all your comments. Not everyone understands how complicated the therapy relationship can be and I feel safe expressing myself here, with other who understand or have been there before. Thanks.
Posted by Dinah on July 7, 2004, at 15:40:58
In reply to Mixed emotions, posted by Bent on July 7, 2004, at 13:50:57
I think what you're experiencing is pretty normal. Have you ever read "In Session"? It describes things like this happening to a number of clients.
I talked about it once with my therapist and he was pretty cool about it. I hadn't driven by his house, but I think maybe he thought I had and was smoothing the way for a confession. He said that some clients just need to feel a connection to their therapists between sessions, and I suppose on vacation even more, and that as long as I didn't stalk him or his family or ring his doorbell he thought it was ok.
Warning: Not all therapists are as laid back as mine, and some *do* mind, so disclose with caution.
I think the wondering about their personal lives is perfectly normal, too. Therapy is such a weird relationship, and too new for the human emotional repertoire to be wired for it. So we have this one sided disclosure and vulnerability that is totally contrary to normal human discourse. I think we're wired to disclose, wait for reciprocal disclosure, then disclose more.
Don't beat yourself up over it. The more you obsess over feeling guilty, the more hold it will have over you.
I think I've successfully worked through this with my therapist, so I think it can be done.
Yet I'll admit that when he tells me where he's going on vacations (in general terms, not specific), I like to be able to place him geographically in my mind. Not obsessively, but... well, you know. So that I know he's still around.
Posted by pegasus on July 8, 2004, at 12:09:20
In reply to Mixed emotions, posted by Bent on July 7, 2004, at 13:50:57
Hi Bent,
I've been through exactly what you describe (other than talking explicitly about my attachment with my T), and I think it's really normal in this situation.
I know it's really painful, but I think it makes a lot of sense. As Dinah said, this relationship is so unusual, and it's actually designed to foster the type of attachment that is so difficult for a lot of us - because ultimately that can make the relationship healing. Driving by their house, and wondering about their life is just part of that. Also, there is such a power imbalance in a therapeutic relationship, that I think this type of desire for more info is a natural impulse to equalize the power (info = power).
But anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that my opinion is that this is normal and totally OK.
pegasus
Posted by 10derHeart on July 11, 2004, at 15:42:07
In reply to Mixed emotions, posted by Bent on July 7, 2004, at 13:50:57
<I am now beating myself up over something I did the other day. I drove by her house on purpose. I don’t know why. I know she’s not around. I have done this only a few times and she doesn’t know that I know where she lives. I feel like such a freak for doing that....>
Oh, Bent, trust me, you are no freak. I did this same "drive by" thing with my T., even when he was definitely around. Talk about scary! Possibly being "caught", I mean. In the past 8 months, I'm sure I drove by either home or office over 50 times, maybe a lot more. For me, it became a ritual and a frequent need. So a few weeks ago, I finally wrote him a long letter admitting this, explaining I didn't want anything, would never stop, wait, follow (NOT a stalker) but trying to honestly name the feelings that compelled me to do it. He was wonderful about it-even called me from home on his day off to assure me he was okay with it, not wanting me to agonize that he hated me, was repulsed, etc., and then scheduled an extra session to process it the next day. For me, and I'd guess most people,it's just a variation on the same theme, a normal, little-child (maybe age 1 1/2 or 2) need to reassure myself that the loved, caretaker (usually mom) is still there, and to connect to them by seeing an object or place when they're not. Rapprochement is the child psychology term my T. liked to use time and time again. Meaning, to move away from him, leave and be okay soothing myself and regulating my own emotional states, followed by that urgent need to run back and "touch" him (i.e., see his car, see lights on in the house) again for comfort, to be sure he's not gone away permanently. About feeling "freakish", as my T. said, "Your adult self may be asking - wow, what's up with this? My peers aren't doing this behavior...but the little child in you absolutely knows it's alright and you need it." (Lost my Mom to cancer kind of early on in life-it was also a confusing, messed up family thing-and NEVER grieved or even talked about it until I met this awesome T., so for me it's easy to see how I've attached so deeply)
I get a sense your T. would also handle it great and help you talk about it. It is always a risk, and of course I can't know how each T. might react. But wow, the relief of knowing he knew was just huge for me. I do know that you and I are both fine for doing this. We are acting out a deep longing that maybe wasn't ever met enough, or has resurfaced after later traumatic events.
<...not only will I be uncomfortable but also I risk making her uncomfortable (now I am looking out for my T’s feelings!! That’s backwards.)>
Yup, but also so normal. Try to remember she's responsible for her own feelings, and if she's skilled, she'll know what to do about that. It's so hard, I know, because we care so much, it's only natural to behave like friends or lovers, or parents, or children, and try to edit our comments to shield them. My T. reminded me a few times to try hard not to "spare him" anything. It gets easier with practice, I think. Your T. can work with her own feelings outside the therapy room, but she can't help with yours if you don't share them. Easier said than done :)< Not everyone understands how complicated the therapy relationship can be and I feel safe expressing myself here, with other who understand or have been there before.>
How true. I'm finding in the last 2 weeks, that even the 2 friends I hoped maybe could hear some of my anguish over(the end of) my therapy relationship, really can't do it. They just have very little frame of reference. And frankly, it's too frustrating to try to frame it differently or find analogies so they can relate. For me, since I just ended therapy w/my T. <giant sigh> 10 days ago (he's moving away),I can only discuss these things w/another T. and a little bit with my grown daughter, who has never been in therapy but is an amazingingly insightful person. And then there's Babble, I've discovered the BEST place of all, 'cause so many do understand all of this.
Keep posting, if you can. Hope some of my rambling struck a chord with you. Your questions,fears and worries help me forget my own stuff for a while, too. I hope something I've said helps you feel you are so like the rest of us - a searching, caring human being navigating something wonderful and often heartbreaking at the same time-therapy. No freaks here, Bent. Take care - 10derHeart
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