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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on June 16, 2004, at 10:57:56
I tend to only post when I feel low, and whiney, so I thought I would try something different today in an effort to show that hope does exist, at least for me, today.
I have two T sessions a week. Yesterday in EMDR I dealt primarily with the two little girls who are inside of me--one is the weak, helpless girl who was abused; and the other is the angry girl who disassociated and left that weaker girl behind to deal with the pain. I've just discovered that I have these two girls. I know the ultimate goal is to integrate them with the adult so that I am one, complete being.
Yesterday in EMDR all I could think was that the helpless girl just didn't exist anymore, she couldn't move, and I was too late to save her. Through EMDR I realized I could make her move again, which gave me great hope. This little girl has so much to offer that I haven't tapped into since I was very young. So I'm hopeful that I can bring forth the good parts of her and keep them with me. Also, given my other posts, some may be surprised, but I've discovered that the angry girl has a whole lot to offer too. She is my strength. She would be out of control if I let her, but I've got her locked up for now (in a nice way) until I am able to direct her energy, anger, etc. appropriately. So I put the weak girl in the playroom to draw, color and build blocks and the other girl is being kept safe. This makes me feel very, very safe. They won't come out until I let them.
So in talk therapy today I'm explaining this to my T and she points out to me that I won't necessarily integrate all these "selves" into a whole, but that ultimately I will pull the best parts from both little girls and make a better adult me, one who has freed up all the energy that has been locked up keeping these two little girls under control. Somehow or other it just all made sense. And the T promised to be there with me through it, and to still respect me, no matter how I respond to the opening of the wounds.
I know this is long, but I really have hope now. Now, if I can just remember that. My mind is protecting me from the harshest things right now because I can't handle them yet. I guess what I really mean is that I believe in myself, and I don't know when I could have ever said that before.
Thanks for reading this far. I just wanted to share the hope.
antigua
Posted by Racer on June 16, 2004, at 12:10:04
In reply to Great T sessions this week (long) trigger?, posted by antigua on June 16, 2004, at 10:57:56
I knew that you had that strength in you, Antigua. I'm about to post something to you on Social, so I'll leave it at that. I'm so very, very glad that you finally got a chance to learn something about yourself that a lot of other people have already known.
That's why we worry about you when you hit the bottom of that pit, and why you're so important to us.
Congratulations! And next week we'll teach you the secret handshake. ;-)
Posted by pegasus on June 16, 2004, at 12:11:59
In reply to Great T sessions this week (long) trigger?, posted by antigua on June 16, 2004, at 10:57:56
That is fantastic, antigua! A great reminder of what can happen in therapy at its best. Your T sounds very good, and I'm so proud of you for figuring out how to arrange the girls so that you feel save. And saying that you believe in yourself is such a huge step. Congratulations for all of your hard work!
pegasus
Posted by Aphrodite on June 16, 2004, at 12:37:43
In reply to Great T sessions this week (long) trigger?, posted by antigua on June 16, 2004, at 10:57:56
I was so moved by your vivid account of your experiences. The compassionate way in which you are taking care of those two equally wonderful little girls speaks volumes about the amazing adult self you already are. It seems that EMDR and talking has really aided you in connecting to those parts of yourself.
I'm so glad you shared this. I am happy for you. I am having a very hard day -- one of the worst I can remember, in fact -- so your post is very timely. I can draw from your strength for a glimmer of hope for myself. Once again, thank you, and I hope this trend continues for you.
Posted by Poet on June 16, 2004, at 13:25:25
In reply to Great T sessions this week (long) trigger?, posted by antigua on June 16, 2004, at 10:57:56
Antigua,
Thanks so much for sharing. Take care of both those inner girls, and save some caring for big you, too.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2004, at 20:59:22
In reply to Great T sessions this week (long) trigger?, posted by antigua on June 16, 2004, at 10:57:56
I love great therapy sessions, and I love to hear stories of great therapy sessions, so thank you so much for sharing!
I'm glad you found an arrangement that both honors yourself and keeps you safe. Congratulations to you and to your therapist for the good work.
Posted by antigua on June 17, 2004, at 16:30:04
In reply to Re: Great T sessions this week (long) trigger? » antigua, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2004, at 20:59:22
Posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 17:41:06
In reply to Re: Great T sessions this week (long) trigger? » antigua, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2004, at 20:59:22
Antigua,
I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better. It is important to hang on to hope. You are making amazing discoveries with these two little girls. I'm so impressed with the vision of putting the scared one in the play room. I've always just put mine "away". Maybe she won't tantrum if I create a safe place for her.Keep taking care of yourself.
-D
Posted by antigua on June 17, 2004, at 23:41:48
In reply to Re: Great T sessions this week (long) trigger?, posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 17:41:06
Daisy,
Sounds like you're more integrated than I am, that you have one little girl who is sad AND angry. That's really good. Right now I have to keep mine apart, they aren't ready to be together, they'd probably hurt each other!!My angry girl, funny as it may sound, is actually behind bars, just because I don't want her to hurt any part of me (adult or child). You guys convinced me that the angry one actually has good parts to her as well, so now I understand how important all the parts are.
I hope you're well. You've been working so hard, on top of your husband's illness, that I admire you for your perseverance.
Hang in there. I do feel hopeful now, and I'm sending some of my hope your way.
best,
antigua
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