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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by devon00 on April 30, 2004, at 23:48:01
Although I desperately want a relationship, dating/relationships bring out my worst insecurities. Every time a date goes nowhere or the guy doesn't call, it's like having concrete proof that I am a loser, reject, unattractive, etc. At least that's how I FEEL.
I meet guys who are interested, yet it always fizzles out on their end. I feel that something goes wrong early on, within the first date or two...but I don't know how to identify what it is. I’m trying to identify and work on problem areas.
1. AFFECTION - I am very shy about showing affection. It takes me a while to trust someone and come out of my shell in that regard. I am very shy about kissing, touching, etc. Although I crave physical affection, I tense up because I fear rejection. I worry that men see that as a lack of chemistry. Sometimes I just don’t feel “in my own skin.”
2. SELF ESTEEM - Also, I know my low self esteem and lack of confidence are probably unattractive qualities, but i just don't know how to fix this lifelong problem.
3. PATIENCE - The other thing is that maybe I don’t know the "rules" of dating?? I guess I am impatient and want to get to know someone as quickly as possible so I can determine where things are going. In a way, I am compulsively searching for a relationship. I don’t just wait to see where it goes…I worry and stress. Maybe I make contact too soon after a date? What are the rules?? My friends say it may take a week for him to call…I freak if I don’t get a call within 2 days. But I can’t relax, because to me my self worth is on the line.
I know a relationship isn't the solution to life's problems, but it would bring so much joy...a few years ago I was in a long-term relationship and that was the one time I felt safe and protected and loved. I long to experience that again.
Posted by Racer on May 1, 2004, at 4:33:24
In reply to DATING insecurities neediness, posted by devon00 on April 30, 2004, at 23:48:01
>
> 1. AFFECTION - I am very shy about showing affection. It takes me a while to trust someone and come out of my shell in that regard. I am very shy about kissing, touching, etc. Although I crave physical affection, I tense up because I fear rejection. I worry that men see that as a lack of chemistry. Sometimes I just don’t feel “in my own skin.”
>You probably already know that that's not an unusual trait, right? And you're in very good company with it -- MINE, for one -- so don't beat yourself up over it, just figure out what to do about it. My suggestions have to do with those four words at the end of that paragraph: get yourself into your own skin. Have you considered Pilates? I know, it's like a cult these days, but I saw a lot of my former students just turn totally around after starting it. It really does seem to help with exactly that.
My second suggestion is this: it's perfectly OK to be physically reserved. You don't have to hug and kiss everybody, no matter how much everyone else seems to find it acceptable. I've finally learned to say things like, "I'm just not comfortable being hugged by people I don't know well." If someone else finds me cold because of it? That's their problem. (And with a few more years of practice at it, I might even believe that myself...) My guess is that what comes across to people and causes problems for you is the conflict between your natural impulse not to allow that sort of casual contact, and your insecurity making you think that that's an indication of something wrong with you. Guess what? It's your skin, you live in it, if you don't want someone else to touch it, that is your ABSOLUTE INVIOLATE RIGHT. We've got so few of those, don't waste this one, eh? ;-)
> 2. SELF ESTEEM - Also, I know my low self esteem and lack of confidence are probably unattractive qualities, but i just don't know how to fix this lifelong problem.
>
Sure you do, you know exactly what you need to fix this lifelong problem -- and it starts with therapy, right? If I had any answers about specifics I'd give 'em to you, but I don't. The best I can offer is to find a good therapist and explore ways of improving your self image. Beyond that, something to help you become more comfortable in your own skin would likely help a lot. (Trust me on this one -- I'm too tired to go into my experience in this area, but it's professional as well as personal. You can trust me, I'm an Expert.) So, I guess this is another vote for Pilates...Good luck!
Posted by lonelygirl on May 1, 2004, at 15:06:18
In reply to DATING insecurities neediness, posted by devon00 on April 30, 2004, at 23:48:01
Gosh, I wish I could give you some advice on this, but I'm afraid I am even worse off in the dating scene. I have never actually been on a date, or been asked out.
I can relate to the issues you mentioned, though, and possibly at an even more extreme level. As for affection, for example, I am shy about even showing any romantic interest whatsoever. I have had bad experiences just about every time I have revealed that I had a crush on a guy (i.e., the guys are horrified and disgusted to find out that *I* like them), so now, I simply keep it a secret. And since I have never had a relationship, I have no idea about the "rules" of dating, and I fear that even if the underworld froze over and someone asked me out, I would be totally lost as to the social norms related to dating.
Anyway, sorry I'm a loser and can't really give you any advice, except maybe to realize that just the fact that you even get asked out, and that guys show interest in you at all, shows that they see some good qualities in you enough that they want to try to get to know you.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 1, 2004, at 20:37:27
In reply to DATING insecurities neediness, posted by devon00 on April 30, 2004, at 23:48:01
I have dated a lot in my life and been married a couple of times. I too have self esteem issues , I crave affection and just wanted to tell you..there ARE NO RULES the guys like us,,,are all different and some call soon some wait they dont wanna look toooo pushy..they suffer anxiety, low self esteem and have issues too. All you can do is do your best, be honest and know that THEY have issues like us too. Just cause they are guys it doesnt make them perfect and knowing all the right moves and things to say and do...many guy friends of mine ask me for dating ideas cause they too are scared...It helps me to always remember..they are humans like girls with different part is all :)
Posted by devon00 on May 7, 2004, at 18:20:52
In reply to Re: DATING insecurities neediness » devon00, posted by lonelygirl on May 1, 2004, at 15:06:18
You're not a loser. I'm sorry you have experienced such difficulty. My only guess is that our families have made us feel like nothing, and since we feel like this about ourselves, others tend to agree?
The way I try to think of it is this: all children are good, right? All children are pure and innocent and deserve love. Well, I guess I need to get back in touch with my inner child. That probably sounds new-wavey, but I think if I could get back in touch with that part of me I could heal. As adults we are saddled with so much guilt, so many walls, so much distrust based on bad past experiences. I want to learn to approach things with a fresh perspective and without fear of rejection. Maybe you can try this too?
I'm thinking of trying some alternative therapies, such as yoga and meditation to try to heal.
Good luck! And you're not a loser :)
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