![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by smokeymadison on April 28, 2004, at 20:34:50
for all you who deal with this issue, if you feel like cutting, do you go to the hospital? i feel like it has almost become an addiction for me. for some reason unknown to me, the vicodin i was taking mixed with ambien put me in that mood in which i cut the night before last. i was in the same place last night, so i went to the hospital and they shot me full of avitan. what is this "mood" or "mindset?" it feels, for lack of better words, a very negative place. i just feel so very BAD. i suppose it is a lot of anxiety and depression compressed together. it is a place i will do anything to get out of, so i cut and it gets me out for the time being. does anyone have a better description of what they are feeling when they cut than i do? i would like to hear it.
i am trying to find other ways of getting out of that mood, or of how to prevent getting into the mood in the first place, any suggestions?
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 22:09:29
In reply to to cut or not to cut?, posted by smokeymadison on April 28, 2004, at 20:34:50
I had to make that decision myself today, but I cheated. I called my therapist, who is the reason I try not to, for reinforcement.
Are you familiar with
the old llama site?
It's got a lot of alternatives.
Is there a therapist or pdoc you can call?
Posted by shadows721 on April 29, 2004, at 0:38:08
In reply to to cut or not to cut?, posted by smokeymadison on April 28, 2004, at 20:34:50
From what I know about SI, it is usually done when someone is in a dissociated state. The meds that you took defiantely could have put you in such a state. Yes, SI can become an addiction.
I hope you are in therapy. Calling a therapist and working through those feelings is a better way to stop the cycle of SI.
SI can have a cycle. Negative feelings bring on the urge to cut. The cutting can give a moment of high. After the short high, the feelings of shame bring on more urges to cut. Part of the tx is digging at the initial feelings that bring on the cycle. Finding healthier coping skills is key to stopping this pattern.
Posted by B2chica on April 29, 2004, at 14:27:18
In reply to Re: to cut or not to cut?, posted by shadows721 on April 29, 2004, at 0:38:08
Smokey,
this is the first time i've heard anyone at Babble talk about SI. i don't mean this in a bad way but i'm so glad to hear you'all talk about it. I used to do it growing up then stopped about 20, started up again last year but stronger(deeper, more often).
reasons? i think i've used every reason there is.
*The first cut i did i was Very suicidal i wanted to kill myself but i didn't want to "die" if you understand that- so i talked myself into not killing if i just cut real deep a little higher on my arm...it worked but messed up some fingers for a while till it healed (must have hit a tendon or muscle?)
*i cut when the emotional change is too fast and uncontrollable. there was a time when i was rapid cycling and couldn't take it anymore.
*sometimes i feel anger at myself or others horribly so i cut
*sometimes i hate my body, myself and i feel the need to damage it, instead of ripping myself apart i cut.
I've learned that i cut deeper, shorter cuts-darker blood and more of it.
*sometimes i cut just to see the blood, i take a tissue and place it close enough to the blood and watch it soak into it.
*i think as much as i've been cutting i was terribly dissociated for the first five months or so, sometimes i would not even remember making it as long, or in that place...-it is extremely addictive.
And last, every time i've cut-even now (except maybe a handful of times i've NEVER felt any pain. no matter where i choose to cut.
B2c.
Posted by terrics on April 29, 2004, at 16:40:37
In reply to to cut or not to cut?, posted by smokeymadison on April 28, 2004, at 20:34:50
In many ways I feel like you. Once the urge strikes [usually when I am upset] I can't control it. I am supposed to call T. before I cut, but if I don't call before, I lose phone privleges for awhile. Right now I do not want to give it up cause I am having a hard time; and nurturing my injuries keeps my mind off other things. I am going to look at the site Dinah recommended. This stuff I am telling you is not healthy. terrics
Posted by smokeymadison on April 30, 2004, at 20:03:51
In reply to Re: to cut or not to cut? » smokeymadison, posted by terrics on April 29, 2004, at 16:40:37
i looked at the site, Dinah. thanks. i did tell my therapist. i am suppose to check in every day for a while. i find that the scars i have keep me from cutting more often. i am a psych student and a lot of my profs are therapists. i find it terribly embarrasing that any of them might notice the scars. i usually have to wind up saying something about my problems b/c i miss so much class and am late on work. i feel like they can see right through me at times. i plan to go into research, not practice. i feel like i have no right to counsel people when i can't get my own shit together, let alone how unreliable i am.
about the cutting, i have a hard time thinking that taking a cold shower or sticking my hand in ice cream could be a replacement. when i am in that state i want to bleed, to see the blood. i have also burned my skin with cigarette butts before. i definately feel the pain, so i don't think i am that dissociated. does anyone know what exactly the brain does when you feel pain? i think that that is the key for me. it gets me feeling high for a while, whatever it is that happens.
Posted by Dinah on April 30, 2004, at 20:29:42
In reply to what does the brain do?, posted by smokeymadison on April 30, 2004, at 20:03:51
I think there are as many reasons to harm yourself as there are self injurers. Probably more, because I know I do it myself for different reasons. To short circuit the electrical feeling of anxiety, to make the pain tangible, and sometimes some not so nice reasons like wanting to have the secret knowledge that I've harmed myself when I'm angry. I'm not proud of that, but it's true.
They say it produces endorphins, and maybe that's the reason you do it.
Sometimes, I just have this calm certaintly come over me, and it doesn't even make sense to talk about it or call my therapist because it's like the process is already started and can't be short circuited. It's as inevitable as the sun rising. I suppose the responsible thing to do is to call my therapist anyway tho. I just don't know that i'll do it.
Posted by terrics on May 1, 2004, at 13:12:18
In reply to Re: what does the brain do? *trigger* » smokeymadison, posted by Dinah on April 30, 2004, at 20:29:42
Wow Dinah, 'The Secret Knowledge' I get it. Like something you have control over and nobody has to know? terrics
Posted by cubic_me on May 1, 2004, at 17:58:59
In reply to Re: what does the brain do? *trigger* » Dinah, posted by terrics on May 1, 2004, at 13:12:18
I've never been to the ER because I want to cut, but if you feel that you are serious danger to yourself, and you can't call your therapist or have someone close sit with you, then it is probably a good idea.
When I am on the edge, I usually give myself limits on the injuries I inflict, or, depending on my mood, I will try to sleep.
I keep all my blades and bandages etc together, and put them way out of reach of my bed ( I like to cut when I sit on my bed), then I have to physically go and get them if I really want to cut. It makes me think twice, and I have to get the energy to get them.
Also, when I am in a 'cutting mood' I will try to be with people to get my mind off it. It doesn't matter if I just go to the shop or sitt with my housemates watching TV - while I'm with people, I can't cut.
Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2004, at 18:18:45
In reply to Re: what does the brain do? *trigger* » Dinah, posted by terrics on May 1, 2004, at 13:12:18
But it's nice to be bad sometimes.
Posted by B2chica on May 2, 2004, at 10:45:10
In reply to Re: what does the brain do? *trigger* » Dinah, posted by terrics on May 1, 2004, at 13:12:18
> Wow Dinah, 'The Secret Knowledge' I get it. Like something you have control over and nobody has to know? terrics
I too TOTALLY Understand and Agree with this. I've never put it into words but that's it.
B2c.
Posted by Escher Dementian on May 4, 2004, at 6:45:46
In reply to Re: what does the brain do? *trigger* » smokeymadison, posted by Dinah on April 30, 2004, at 20:29:42
> I think there are as many reasons to harm yourself as there are self injurers.
>...sometimes some not so nice reasons like wanting to have the secret knowledge
>Dinah, thank you for your candidness and honesty.
i've been reading/hearing about adult symptoms from childhood abuse, and the reasons for them, but never before have i read/heard anyone mention the calmness of having the 'secret knowledge'. And THAT resonates with me exactly.A pdoc asked me if i cut myself or have addictions, because those are typical symptoms, and i've wondered that each time i've begun a behaviour like that throughout my life, i've responded with almost a hypervigilance to prevent myself from continuing.
But there IS something (non-hurtful however might be shocking to most other people) that i do in private secrecy that brings me a calm when energy/'subtle' anxiety builds up too much.
Your words about "the calm in having a secret knowledge" (about my own body) is EXACTLY what is triggered for me.There. I've said it. Now my neurosis is out there and online. (*very quiet tremble*) But it's _here_ among friends....?
Thank you, Dinah.
~Escher
Posted by gardenergirl on May 4, 2004, at 19:34:01
In reply to Secret knowledge *trigger* » Dinah, posted by Escher Dementian on May 4, 2004, at 6:45:46
Posted by rs on May 5, 2004, at 5:50:51
In reply to Secret knowledge *trigger* » Dinah, posted by Escher Dementian on May 4, 2004, at 6:45:46
Thanks for sharing that. Do the same thing. Secret and embarassing. Again thanks for sharing and know I understand
Posted by Penny on May 5, 2004, at 8:07:42
In reply to Secret knowledge *trigger* » Dinah, posted by Escher Dementian on May 4, 2004, at 6:45:46
Yes, among friends.
(((Escher)))
Also wanted to say that I'm most happy to see you posting more, dear one.
P
Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2004, at 16:27:27
In reply to Secret knowledge *trigger* » Dinah, posted by Escher Dementian on May 4, 2004, at 6:45:46
Definitely among friends.
Sorry to take so long to get back to this thread, but I was sort of mulling over the whole idea.
I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.