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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on April 19, 2004, at 20:33:18
I have had a nightmare weekend, beginning Friday when my husband stopped breathing and we almost lost him. He is strong though, and has pulled back up and is resting at home. However, he is on mega-doses of steroids and REALLY cranky...it feels a bit like living in a nightmare.
My Therapist talked me through the aftermath melt down on Saturday and gave me permission to not be strong about it all and to not be ready for him to die. He let me cry with him until I was ready to stop.
Today was my regular appointment and we talked about how if felt to live like Stretch-Armstrong -- being needed at home and at the office and trying to always find the balance. And how no one, no one, understands how really hard and conflicting it is to live with a sick person who isn't nice to you but needs you desperately.
I told him it was impossible to talk about without sounding whiny or without making my husband sound like a horrible person. He told me to say it anyway. And then he asked that really hard question: "Did talking about it help?" I told him, "ummm, not really, it made me see how hopeless it all is, but kind of, because I'm not alone with all of it and at least one person knows I'm not doing well with it all...but..."
Real straight forward answer, huh?! I was upset at the time. Now, an hour or more later, I feel calmer. I'm not as anxious and I know I can handle it, at least one more night. And since I have a phone check in tomorrow, I know I only "have to" handle it one more night until I can let it out again.
So I called him and left him the message, that now that I've settled down, "yes, talking about it DID help, though I don't know why, because nothing has changed." I can hear him grin at that statement from here.
So -- I want to know. Does talking about "it" help you, or get you more upset? And is there a pattern to how it helps, and how long? Just curious...
Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2004, at 21:03:48
In reply to Answer the Question, posted by DaisyM on April 19, 2004, at 20:33:18
Daisy, dear. I'm so sorry.
((((Daisy))))
I wish I could magically make this a problem you have never had to deal with. You are so strong, but I wish you didn't have to be.
The answer to your question is yes. It does help me. It helps me to release the tension because otherwise it manifests itself in unhealthy ways. If my ability to separate from the pain was good enough, it might be better to avoid talking about it. But I'm not that good. I melt down if I don't have healthier releases like talking about it in therapy.
Posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 21:56:32
In reply to Answer the Question, posted by DaisyM on April 19, 2004, at 20:33:18
It helps because then you AREN'T alone anymore. It helps because in order to explain it, you have to understand it to some degree. It helps because he doesn't say "Oh, my! Well, you are really crazy!" It helps because he does say "I can understand why you would feel like that". It helps because now it isn't a secret anymore - secrets have magic power - it is just a part of your life. It helps because he still accepts you even though you feel this "unacceptable" (to you) way.
Yes, it helps. I'm glad that he could help you today. And I'm glad that you could accept his help.
Falls.
Posted by Speaker on April 19, 2004, at 21:58:04
In reply to Re: Answer the Question » DaisyM, posted by Dinah on April 19, 2004, at 21:03:48
Daisy,
I'm so sorry to hear about your weekend. Living with the yo-yo affects of illness is terrible. Remember, you don't have to take it an hour at a time...there is a song I sang when I was young that went "Day by Day and with each passing moment..." and I found when my husband was very sick it was moment by moment. Keep your faith close and remember that releasing the emotion even though its hard its whats best. I find when I don't talk I can keep the emotion inside. When I talk I release the emotion...so why would I want to talk? Well, the emotion is there and its better to let it out even if it doesn't feel good at the time...at least it's out. Please take care of YOU and keep us posted.
Marie
Posted by terrics on April 20, 2004, at 7:49:19
In reply to Answer the Question, posted by DaisyM on April 19, 2004, at 20:33:18
Talking about IT often makes things worse. terrics
Posted by Racer on April 20, 2004, at 9:17:32
In reply to Re: Answer the Question » DaisyM, posted by terrics on April 20, 2004, at 7:49:19
But it always helps in the end. That's been my experience.
Talking doesn't change anything. You still have to go out there and be SuperWoman. But while you're being SuperWoman, all those goblins have a field day: they get to sneak around, all through your psyche, making mischief, and scaring the beejeebers out of you. What makes talking about it so helpful for me is that I have to look at the goblins, give them names. Once I've done that, they're just little goblins, no longer Scary Monsters who terrify me. My image is a locked room, with all sorts of scary monsters hiding in the dark. It feels as if they'll kill me if I open the door, so I try not to. But when I open the door, with the help of the therapist -- a sort of Goblin Hunter -- I can turn on the lights and see that those scary monsters are about two feet high, have square feet, no claws, and hardly any teeth for biting. At that point, I can find out their names, what they want, and how to battle them most effectively.
(Personally, my goal is to turn some of them into Brownies, so that they'll clean my house while I sleep.)
{{Daisy}} I'm very sorry you're going through this. The only thing I can offer is this: remember the Primal Scream craze a while back? Think of complaining and whining to your therapist as being your primal scream. There's nothing sinful in saying, "Why me??? It's not fair!!!" You're not going to stop doing anything just because you say those things -- they're words, and they create a sort of tunnel for those overwhelming feelings of stress and distress to leave your body. That's what you want, right? To get it out of your body? So, go into your therapist's office, where no one else can hear you whine, and shout to the universe that you've been cheated out of what's rightfully yours! Then, after you've done that, work with your therapist about how it feels to let it go a little bit, how it feels not to be perfect in EVERY way.
I won't say anything about your husband's behavior, because we both know that fear and pain does terrible things to people. I do send hope that it's not all like that, that he still reminds you of why you fell in love in the first place.
And Daisy? You are on my mind. I'm saying lots of secular prayers for you, and some agnostic prayers, too. Let me know how you are, 'K?
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2004, at 16:07:22
In reply to Never seems to help me AT THE TIME, posted by Racer on April 20, 2004, at 9:17:32
I was my Grandmother's caregiver for 5 1/2 years. There were times when she was really sick and I was running on pure adrenalin. When it comes down to it, you do what you have to do because there's no one else to do it. When I first started going to my therapist, she said I was suffering from caregiver burnout. I didn't even know it, but once she said it I knew it was true. I felt better after discussing it with her, if only because someone else was there to say, "Yes, this is a bad situation, and anyone would be feeling as you do". But the best thing about talking about it is, sometimes there are things that could help you that you don't even know about. And you will never know unless you do talk about it. My T was able to give me lots of good suggestions for lightening the load. Give it a try. Ask for help.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on April 22, 2004, at 0:57:56
In reply to Answer the Question, posted by DaisyM on April 19, 2004, at 20:33:18
Daisy, sometimes it helps me to talk on IT but other times it sends my anxiety sky high...as I note the anxiety starting to climb...I back off the subject
Posted by All Done on April 22, 2004, at 2:14:54
In reply to Answer the Question, posted by DaisyM on April 19, 2004, at 20:33:18
(((Daisy))),
Try as I might, I can't seem to come up with a good answer for your question (or even my own definitive answer, for that matter). I will say I notice talking about my "smaller" problems *seems* to help more than talking about the "big" ones. Perhaps that's because I like to see evidence that therapy is working and with the small things, we can get through them rather quickly and I can recognize improvement in those areas faster. That said, I still have faith that talking about the difficult issues will help. It just takes more time.
Sorry for what you're going through, Daisy. I wish things weren't so hard.
Take care,
All Done
Posted by noa on April 22, 2004, at 22:33:42
In reply to Answer the Question, posted by DaisyM on April 19, 2004, at 20:33:18
Daisy--how scary! I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. You are amazingly strong.
This is the end of the thread.
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