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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tinydancer on March 5, 2004, at 4:21:36
Since my last paycheck fluttered out the window I've started examining my spending habits. Now, I'm a girl who loves to shop. I love to buy clothes, and makeup and all that girly stuff. A few years back I had kind of a meltdown and charged 10K worth of such goods. So its not like I haven't had such a problem before. However I have no credit cards now, nor will I ever get one again (that much is within my control).
In the last few months I have seen my usage of money increase dramatically. I used to be satisfied with window shopping every other day or so, but now I must buy things. It's sort of like every little thing I buy gives me a little charge of security and love and comfort. More and more I sense myself becoming very blank when I shop, not reacting to prices whatsoever, just buying whatever my pretty little (spoiled) heart desires.
This is a problem, because we don't HAVE the money for such outings. (I've been out of work on disability for nearly a year, the pay is nothing) Yesterday I guess I saw it come to a head and scared myself, even though I felt helpless to stop myself, because inside I was hurting to much to deny myself.
I bought shirts, and jewelry, and a new purse (ummm $50 plus a matching wallet). I kept going until my account was cleaned out. I literally spent about $200 total, all more or less on myself.
The thing is, this does goes in swing. Some periods can be worse than others, and I definitley see this particular period as being a bad one, but then I can suddenly stop. I don't really know how to identify if I have a problem. If I do, I also don't know if I can or want to stop, because I don't feel like I have any other outlet to dull the pain. (I guess this is the current form of self injury for me.)
Anyone who can relate to this? Thoughts? Advice?
Posted by rainyday on March 5, 2004, at 7:15:33
In reply to Do I have a problem with this?, posted by tinydancer on March 5, 2004, at 4:21:36
> The thing is, this does goes in swing. Some periods can be worse than others, and I definitley see this particular period as being a bad one, but then I can suddenly stop. I don't really know how to identify if I have a problem. If I do, I also don't know if I can or want to stop, because I don't feel like I have any other outlet to dull the pain. (I guess this is the current form of self injury for me.)
>
> Anyone who can relate to this? Thoughts? Advice?Yes indeed. I don't always see it coming and what starts out as "shopping therapy" becomes a bunch of empty expensive purchases that don't make you feel better at all. I don't carry a cheque book with me. No debit cards, cash only. I only go to the robot bank once a week. I don't even buy groceries unless I have a list so I don't come home with chocolate coated caviar. Do I think I have a problem? Sure - it's what I call an inappropriate coping response. But I am so ashamed of it that I put all these restrictions around me so I make it hard to mess up. It has pretty much eliminated the impulse shopper in me. I get miserable longing for all the things I *think* would make me feel better, even though I know full well the gratification is a lie.
What my T suggested I do is before I go to sleep to make a list of what I have to be thankful for that day. That does help to reinforce what truly makes you happy and grateful. It can improve a really rotten day. Don't know if this helps or makes you want to lend me money!!!
Posted by Racer on March 5, 2004, at 8:03:08
In reply to Re: Do I have a problem with this?, posted by rainyday on March 5, 2004, at 7:15:33
I used to do this, and once cleaned out a savings account to buy a CD player for my stereo. I do it when I'm in despair, a sense of "if I have ENOUGH, I'll feel better" -- hasn't worked yet.
I used a couple of skills to stop doing it. First of all, I started putting coins in a jar. Then I'd through in small bills that I wasn't going to put in the bank, anyway. Just change that was in my purse on the last day of the week. Every so often, when the mood struck, I'd empty the jar, roll the coins, and decide what they were going to bring home for me. That helped more than you'd imagine -- because I hate rolling coins so much! Last time I did that, I had $250 to put in the bank and shop with. I put some in the bank, and took out only what I thought I wanted to spend. Then I went with my mother to a sort of open-to-the-public trade show, and stayed within my budget.
Another thing I did was to check out what I actually needed. Clothing wise, there hasn't been much that interested me in several years, and what there has been is so badly made that I think, "Gee, I could do better than that..." and plan on sewing it myself. That makes it a lot easier to control. I have enough make up to last a chorus line a year, and wear make up about three times a year, so that's not high on the list.
In fact, I spend excessively, when I do, on three main classes of items: books, fabric and yarn, and tools. Again, because it's so limited, it's a lot easier to control.
Oh, yeah, and I dislike malls pretty intensely. Still, I have managed to blow tons of money in a short time and still feel empty. It is hard to get over. Maybe go for the cash purchase idea? Only use your checks or credit cards or debit cards for necessary bills and pay cash for everything else? That should help.
Good luck, and I hope you can integrate this into a healthy adaptation.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 5, 2004, at 11:26:33
In reply to Re: Do I have a problem with this?, posted by Racer on March 5, 2004, at 8:03:08
Tinydancer,
I do "shopping therapy" as well. It usually is during periods when I am trying to feel better. And the bad thing is, it helps until my husband starts talking about finances. Then I feel guilty. I have done this for years. I think the tips others have posted sound good. Credit cards are my enemy. Makes it too easy.gg
Posted by Elle2021 on March 5, 2004, at 14:59:35
In reply to Do I have a problem with this?, posted by tinydancer on March 5, 2004, at 4:21:36
I've been guilty of something very similar. At least once a week I have to buy a few new somethings (usually makeup products or clothes) to keep me "occupied" until the next week. I feel less depressed when I have new things. When I had a job, I was notorious for going on spending sprees until I had no money left to pay my rent or buy food. I find I do it most when I am depressed, but also to keep myself from this feeling of neverending boredom and emptiness. Have you talked to your T about it? I haven't.
Elle
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 5, 2004, at 17:08:23
In reply to Do I have a problem with this?, posted by tinydancer on March 5, 2004, at 4:21:36
I do this too and shop like a madwoman and into huge debt. Sometimes my bills get behind cause of it. My T doesnt think its too bad but I can and need to do better. He feels its healthier than doing more distructive things. Still I need to fix this cause then like a vicious cycle I end up all worried cause I may lose my phone but have TONS of clothes and make up and stuff. So youre not alone
Posted by Dinah on March 5, 2004, at 19:24:30
In reply to Do I have a problem with this?, posted by tinydancer on March 5, 2004, at 4:21:36
A huge problem. Fortunately my husband let us take out a mortgage (which I'm responsible for) to pay off my credit card debt. And I keep my credit limits very very low so that I can't get in trouble again. Now whenever I eat a fast food lunch, I calculate how many hours I'll have to work to pay for it. That's how I measure the price on anything. How many hours do I have to work to bring home the cash to buy this. :(
Posted by shortelise on March 5, 2004, at 19:32:24
In reply to Do I have a problem with this?, posted by tinydancer on March 5, 2004, at 4:21:36
What I think is a funny story:
When I has been in therapy for about 8 months (it's been five and a half years now), I had a bit of a meltdown and called my therapist for the first time ever. He suggested I go shopping. He didn't really mean to, he meant to suggest that I do something, anything, I enjoy to help me get out of the bad frame of mind I was in. But he suggested I go shopping. I was so stunned, that it wasn't until after I got off the phone that I realized what he'd said. I was appalled on one level, I mean, what sort of a solution is that - and it was the very first time I'd appealed to him for help like that. Yes, we talked about it later, and worked through it, and now it just makes me laugh.
I count myself lucky that I don't have too much trouble with money. It must be awful, a kind of self-destruction that must lead to terrible feelings. I feel for you.
ShortE
Posted by Dinah on March 5, 2004, at 19:34:41
In reply to nope, but I do have a funny story, posted by shortelise on March 5, 2004, at 19:32:24
Hopefully you taught him to be a better therapist in those situations. :)
Posted by tinydancer on March 6, 2004, at 7:53:39
In reply to nope, but I do have a funny story, posted by shortelise on March 5, 2004, at 19:32:24
I haven't really discussed it at length with my T, although he knows about the 10K credit card debt I incurred. He also has commented before about the fact I seem to have an awfully large wardrobe...hee!
Posted by noa on March 6, 2004, at 20:27:36
In reply to Do I have a problem with this?, posted by tinydancer on March 5, 2004, at 4:21:36
When I was younger, I got buried under credit card debt on top of student loan debt, etc. etc. It was horrible and made me miserable. Eventually, I got credit counseling and worked my way out of debt and now my only debt is mortgage related and it feels fantastic.
Now, in some ways I spend more on certain things but I am much more frugal in other ways. I keep reminding myself about where I was and how incredibly depressing it was and how far I've come.
Today, on PBS, Susie Ormond was talking about "Telling the Truth" about finances. She talked about how important it is not to decieve oneself about what we can or can't afford because it will catch up with us later.
Sometimes it helps me when I'm tempted by some purchase to remind myself of what I really need to spend my money on.
And I do advise people to start young in saving for retirement. I did not start young because I felt I couldn't--that I had barely enough to get by on my paycheck--this was because I already had all that horrible debt. If you can prevent the debt from growing, and start paying it down, it's good to also start putting retirement funds away early, because the younger you are the bigger it will grow--by a lot.
A possible reminder for you about what the priorities are might be (and I just learned this about you tonight!!) is thinking about college funds for your child--weighing that against the tempting clothing purchase, which believe me I know how strong the temptations can be!!!
We are constantly bombarded with messages that there are so many things to buy, that we want to buy, that we should buy, that we can afford to buy, that we should feel we can't afford NOT to buy, etc. etc. new and wonderful and tempting things all the time everywhere we look, all the time. It can be so hard!
Good luck. It is very hard. But since you are young, it is fantastic that you are asking this question now rather than later.
Posted by noa on March 6, 2004, at 20:32:17
In reply to Re: I have a problem with it, posted by Dinah on March 5, 2004, at 19:24:30
>Now whenever I eat a fast food lunch, I calculate how many hours I'll have to work to pay for it. That's how I measure the price on anything. How many hours do I have to work to bring home the cash to buy this. :(
I love it--what a great idea!!
One thing I've done lately is to take out a certain amount of cash every week and try to use cash for just about everything because when I use my bankcard (I have no real credit card), I forget to log in the purchases and lose track of what my balance is. The cash strategy seems to work well, so far. But I'm also going to try your "Dinah's Work Hours Equivalency Index"!
Posted by noa on March 6, 2004, at 20:34:45
In reply to nope, but I do have a funny story, posted by shortelise on March 5, 2004, at 19:32:24
LOL--this reminds me of someone I know who gave advice to a teenager who was all agitated about his ex girlfriend hanging out with another guy and he wanted to beat the guy up, so this person advised him to go hit a wall. And he did. And along with a major hole in the wall, he also had to go to the ER with a majorly broken hand!!!
This is the end of the thread.
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