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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LostGirl on December 28, 2003, at 21:44:32
My 16 year old son has been giving us a lot of trouble for years. Things are really bad now. He consistently cuts school, has already been in an after school drug program, but now seems back to pot/drinking, is failing 7 of 8 subjects due to cutting and not doing the work though he is very bright, is very disrespectful and curses us out a lot at home, has stopped coming home for dinner but does mostly observe curfew. He has destroyed things in the house in rages, and yesterday punched in a glass cabinet and needed stitches in his hand. He did this because he wanted money for a haircut and my husband said no because he just got a haircut two weeks ago. The "no" sent him into a rage. He is in therapy, and we have had him psychologically and psychiatrically evaluated. There is no learning disablity, no depression and the diagnosis is oppositional defiance disorder and conduct disorder. After he punched the glass cabinet, and after my husband spent 5 hours in the emergency room, my son went out to hang out with friends and stayed out all night. We have had it. We have considered placing him before, but then got soft and backed down. But this cabinet incident is the last straw and we have to get him out of the house and to somewhere where he has no choice but to go to school, and where his time is structured and his activities monitored. I have looked into programs in the past, and they were either hell-holes with no middle class type kids and are free, or they are very good and cost $35,000- $40,000 per year which we cannot possibly afford. Without a more serious diagnosis, our options are limited. I wondered if anyone ever placed their teenager in any kind of therapeutic school, and what your experience was like and if anyone can reccomend any. I'm on the East Coast.
Any suggestions would be appreciated. Oh, he is in therapy, has been before, but it doesn't seem to make much difference, the behavior never improves. Thanks.
Posted by dragonfly25 on December 28, 2003, at 22:10:39
In reply to 16 year old son needs residential school, posted by LostGirl on December 28, 2003, at 21:44:32
hi there, i am really sorry to hear about your son. my situation is totally different but i was put in a therapuetic boarding school for the last 3 years of high school. i was having problems getting along with my parents and had a bit of depression. the school no longer exists so i can't help you out there but you have to really research and check the places out, for your son. i was put in the school while parents were in panic mode and my they didn't look into anything. the school no longer exists- need i say anymore. b/c of the role that the teachers and councillers they can sometimes take advantage of this and make life miserable for the child. if you visit any schools i would always ask to talk to some of the students (randomly) i would say that 95% of these schools are fine but it is always best to check. just some advice
the other problem is the money, as far as i know you have to pay to get your child in a decent place. but i am not familiar with insurance issues etc.
i don't have any names but arizona has some good facilities and there is a place in california, but i can't remember the name i realize you are on the east coast- i would start out by consulting with a psychologist/educational consultant, they will have all this info. but again you may have to pay alot for that. i hope some of this is helpful, oh and it may be useful to look up conduct disorder, if you haven't already. those websites might have some advice.
i know from the other side how stressful issues with teens and parents can be, i feel for you
dragonfly
> My 16 year old son has been giving us a lot of trouble for years. Things are really bad now. He consistently cuts school, has already been in an after school drug program, but now seems back to pot/drinking, is failing 7 of 8 subjects due to cutting and not doing the work though he is very bright, is very disrespectful and curses us out a lot at home, has stopped coming home for dinner but does mostly observe curfew. He has destroyed things in the house in rages, and yesterday punched in a glass cabinet and needed stitches in his hand. He did this because he wanted money for a haircut and my husband said no because he just got a haircut two weeks ago. The "no" sent him into a rage. He is in therapy, and we have had him psychologically and psychiatrically evaluated. There is no learning disablity, no depression and the diagnosis is oppositional defiance disorder and conduct disorder. After he punched the glass cabinet, and after my husband spent 5 hours in the emergency room, my son went out to hang out with friends and stayed out all night. We have had it. We have considered placing him before, but then got soft and backed down. But this cabinet incident is the last straw and we have to get him out of the house and to somewhere where he has no choice but to go to school, and where his time is structured and his activities monitored. I have looked into programs in the past, and they were either hell-holes with no middle class type kids and are free, or they are very good and cost $35,000- $40,000 per year which we cannot possibly afford. Without a more serious diagnosis, our options are limited. I wondered if anyone ever placed their teenager in any kind of therapeutic school, and what your experience was like and if anyone can reccomend any. I'm on the East Coast.
> Any suggestions would be appreciated. Oh, he is in therapy, has been before, but it doesn't seem to make much difference, the behavior never improves. Thanks.
Posted by EmmyS on December 28, 2003, at 22:22:04
In reply to 16 year old son needs residential school, posted by LostGirl on December 28, 2003, at 21:44:32
I assume you've already been through family therapy together? If so, what was the outcome?
Posted by Elle2021 on December 29, 2003, at 5:01:59
In reply to Re: 16 year old son needs residential school, posted by EmmyS on December 28, 2003, at 22:22:04
I hate to be the wet blanket, but it seems like somewhere along the line you lost control of your child. At 16, I don't see much hope for getting it back. He only has 2 more years before he is an adult. I hear that military schools (or court mandated boot camps) are very successful at giving young adults motivation and direction. It might seem harsh, but you seem like you are at your wits end. I know someone who went through a court mandated bootcamp, and he is a completely different person: off drugs, polite, and respectful. I hope and pray for the best for your family.
Elle
Posted by fallsfall on December 29, 2003, at 7:59:46
In reply to Re: 16 year old son needs residential school, posted by Elle2021 on December 29, 2003, at 5:01:59
My son is now 18. Around his sophmore year in high school he decided that grades were not an indication of what one learned. He decided that grades were something to be played with. This upset me a lot. It was clear that he should go into Computer Science. He was bright and the dabbling that he had done with CS indicated that he had a talent for it. A bachelor's degree is really necessary to get into that field. As the years progressed, his grades got worse. He seemed to be learning much of what was being taught, but it seemed like he was working really hard to not let his grades reflect that. He failed US History and Economics (both are required for graduation) and had to take them over his last semester Senior year. He also had to pass his English course to graduate. 2 days before graduation we found out that he had passed (2 D's and a D-, or was it 2 D-'s and a D?).
Through all of this it was clear that he was morally a "good kid". He lived with his father who has a much laxer attitude than I do. My son and I had some heated arguments and he would end them by storming out of my house. He went to a therapist because at 15 he was still bedwetting. The therapist tried to work on the defiance and family issues (we were separated), but when my son figured out that they weren't talking about bedwetting anymore, he refused to go. (The bedwetting stopped around age 16 on its own)
He was very resistant to looking at colleges even though he wanted to go into Computer Science. Halfway through his senior year he announced that he was going to join the Army. This seemed like a strange choice to me because he was so intent on doing things his way. He wanted to go into the computer specialty in the Army. After he convinced me that he knew that he could be sent into battle and killed I had to approve his choice. The computer specialty was full so he signed up for Satellite Communications. He went to Basic Training at the end of August (after not even getting his room cleaned out at his dad's house). I went for his graduation 9 weeks later, and he has now had 8 weeks of Satellite training.
He is having the time of his life. He is doing very well (has a 91 average in his classes). He is happy. He loves being told what to do (gee, his dad and I tried that for years - go figure). The kid whose only exercise was to move his fingers on the computer key board is really into the Physical Training - running, situps, pushups. He is motivated. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that the rewards and punishments are very clearly spelled out - and that the length of each task is short (i.e. the reward or punishment occurs quickly). His choice to join the Army was wonderful.
I tell you his story because, while he is different from your son, I wanted you to see how a more structured environment could be really helpful.
I hope that you can find the right environment for your son. Best of luck.
Posted by naiad on December 29, 2003, at 9:35:56
In reply to Re: 16 year old son needs residential school, posted by fallsfall on December 29, 2003, at 7:59:46
Dear Lostgirl,
First, let me say how my heart goes out to you. My story is almost identical to yours except that we are three years down the road and let me tell you it has been hell on earth. We realized that our son (our only child) was on a downward path that accelerated the older he got. After a lot of research, we sent him to a wilderness program in Utah for 10 weeks and then to an emotional growth boarding school in Vermont (The King George School). Both places were safe, highly structured, nurturing, and very expensive. Despite the tremendous expense, we thought we had solved our problem and that he had seen the light. When he returned home for the first time in 8 months, he refused to return to boarding school. He wanted to finish his senior year at the local high school. We had no choice and since his behavior was so improved, we simply hoped for the best.
To make a long story short, last February I found him in his bed having seizures from a heroin overdose. He spent a week in ICU on life support and then 10 weeks in rehab, where he was introduced for the first time to twelve step programs (Alcohoics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous). He has been sober ever since. He clealy hit bottom and the experience changed his life. I found Alanon and it has changed my life.
I have one school recommnendation for you -- The Family Foundation School, http://www.thefamilyschool.com/ Check out their website. I also liked The King George School but they seem to be constantly changing their focus and as I said are very expensive ( $60K/yr). I'm pretty sure Family School is much more affordable. We could not send him there because his best drug buddy was there.
You really are doing the right thing to take some action. These problems do not resolve themselves and ignoring them and hoping that your child will outgrow them is not fair to you or to him.
Peace be with you.
Please let me know if I can help.
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