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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LostGirl on November 30, 2003, at 21:41:01
I had a very intense therapy experience with someone for 3 years. It was mostly wonderful, we had an incredible connection. Then it fell apart. There are lots of things about it and my feelings toward him and the experience that I still don't understand, though I've read a lot. I see someone else now, which was because one parent was ill and dying, then I had a lot of responsibility for the other, then she died. So this second experience was more superficial, but dealing with serious present day stuff. The other one dealt with a lot of childhood and internal stuff and was twice a week.
Anyway, all the stuff posted here about transference, and people's individual experiences with their therapists have been very helpful in my ongoing attempts to understand those three years and my unresolved feelings since. And that stuff about the Perfect Therapy Patient Club, man I've thought and felt all those things.
Thanks for being so open, everyone.
Posted by fallsfall on December 1, 2003, at 7:20:11
In reply to 2 Years Later, Still Not Over Therapist, posted by LostGirl on November 30, 2003, at 21:41:01
Do you talk to your new therapist about your feelings towards your old therapist? The new one can probably help in this area. Good luck
Posted by LostGirl on December 3, 2003, at 10:49:26
In reply to 2 Years Later, Still Not Over Therapist, posted by LostGirl on November 30, 2003, at 21:41:01
Thanks for answering.
Yes, we talk about it sometimes.
The problems with him were that he would sometimes give me a compliment, and then quickly rephrase it in a way that took it back, out of his own discomfort. One example is he once said "you are appreciated here" and when I asked what he meant, he changed it to "you feel appreciated here" which is very different because now he was making it my feeling (which it wasn't) instead of explaining what he meant about his feeling. Things fell apart when two things happened. He went away for a week in July that year and when he returned made a big deal about asking over and over different ways if I missed him - he couldn't seem to accept that one week was no big deal. Then he forgot to tell me about his 4 weeks away in August. He had said months ago he would probably take the last two weeks in August. But after the big deal about him trying to get me to say what I didn't feel about the one July week, he never told me that the actual August weeks were now 4 - the week before and the week after the 2 he had told me about. So when I was there thinking I'm coming back in 4 days (we met twice a week) he says he'll see in September (4 and a half weeks away). I was really upset all summer and tried to work it out when he returned. We had had such an incredible connection and now because I was the only one he didn't tell the full dates of his vacation to, I felt like the bottom of the barrel, tossed aside. I tried to work it out with him that September, telling him all the double messages were hard, and didn't seem right, yet the connection meant a lot to me. I said I wanted to know that he would examine his own behavior and not repeat these sorts of things. He said he didn't know if he could do things differently. He had tears in his eyes.
I have talked with the current therapist and she says he had a lot of trouble with his own countertransference. She says that what was good, however, which was a lot, will always stay with me. She said that there was also a strong transference and the goal of having a strong transference is to anyalyze it and he and I never did that. When I came to her, I wasn't over the loss of him, but now my father was sick and dying and I was in charge of all that including "pull the plug?" decisions. My father died, then my Alzheimer's mother became my responisbility and drove me nuts, and my teenage kid's acting out behavior got way out of hand. Then my mother died, then I had to clean out her house. So mainly the current therapy was dealing with those current events as they unfolded. I never fully dealt with all the lingering stuff about the former therapist. And it still haunts me.
Posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2003, at 12:19:35
In reply to Re: 2 Years Later, Still Not Over Therapist, posted by LostGirl on December 3, 2003, at 10:49:26
Oh, my god.
My heart goes out to you. Yes, it does sound like he had some countertransference issues. I'm so sorry. They could explain his "need" to have you miss him in July, and his "forgetting" to tell you about the 4 weeks in August, and also not being able to promise to do it differently, and the tears. The only consolation is that his particular countertransference to you meant that he liked you very much (too much?). I hope you understand that you did nothing wrong (actually it sounds like you did exactly the right things). This was his issue - unfortunately his issue ended up hurting you.
My first therapist and I had a transference/countertransference issue. I'm still not sure really what happened. I saw her last 5 months ago, and this week I started freaking about it again. It was too painful to process at that time, I guess now is the "later" I was waiting for. It just doesn't get harder than this. She, too, didn't process the transference that I had. I blame it on the fact that she is a CBT therapist and they don't pay much attention to transference (but it could have been countertransference or some CBT therapists may do better with transference than she did). We had sort of agreed (although we each had very different reasons...) that I should find someone else, so I was in the process of doing that when I knew that I had to leave her cold turkey. I was with her for 8 1/2 years. I miss her so much. Oh, did I mention that one of my issues is "Intense dependence" (my new therapist's words)?
My new therapist is great. He is so different from her. We recently had a 2 week period when I had an excruciating transference with him, but he was able to help me out of it. That felt like such an accomplishment. It gives me more faith in therapy, because I was afraid I'd end up in transference hell with him, too. I'm a little braver now. He is Psychodynamic (esp. Psychology of the Self).
You certainly had an incredibly stressful year. You must be very strong to be able to write in full sentances after all of that. I'm glad you have a new therapist, and that the two of you have talked about the old one.
I know that I have unfinished business with my first therapist, and it seems that now is the time when I should figure out how to finish it. I don't know if I will only need to talk with my new therapist, or if I will have to go back and see her again. I was terrified to see her in July - I couldn't go. I think that I have managed to get more strength and stability over the last 5 months. If I do end up needing to see her, I hope that will be enough. (She works in the office across the hall from my pdoc, so everytime I go to see him I'm afraid I'll run into her).
I definately think that "finishing" with your old therapist is important. If you can finish. Do you feel that he admitted that it was his issue? Other than the tears, did he tell you that he was sorry? Those are things that I would need if I were in your shoes, but you may need something very different. I hope that your crises can abate long enough so that you work on this issue with your current therapist. If that doesn't seem to be happening, can you increase the frequency of your sessions in order to get some time to work on this?
My experience says that my pain won't go away until I deal with it. If your pain is the same way, I hope that you can find the time, energy, and courage to deal with it.
Posted by DaisyM on December 3, 2003, at 13:47:54
In reply to Re: 2 Years Later, Still Not Over Therapist » LostGirl, posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2003, at 12:19:35
My reaction to all of the above is 2-fold:
It is a little like your first love. The impact stays with you, imprints somehow. Is that because the experience of vulnerability is so intimate?
The second is to hold my Therapist (my first) at arms length to avoid all of what you've both been through.
I'm wishing you both strength to deal and then heal.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2003, at 16:08:11
In reply to Re: 2 Years Later, Still Not Over Therapist » LostGirl, posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2003, at 12:19:35
Posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2003, at 22:58:35
In reply to Re: 2 Years Later, Still Not Over Therapist, posted by DaisyM on December 3, 2003, at 13:47:54
Daisy,
Don't hold your therapist at arm's length.
Yes, the pain is awful, but I have learned so much - I know so much more about what life IS. I wouldn't change that.
You have to risk and connect. That is what it is all about.
Posted by DaisyM on December 4, 2003, at 19:52:52
In reply to Re: 2 Years Later, Still Not Over Therapist » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2003, at 22:58:35
I don't know if I can.
I really thought I had -- almost too much actually. Now I'm shut down. I thought I was OK with that -- but I feel the tears coming as I write this.
Loneliness is a terrible thing.
This is the end of the thread.
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